FOR MAGAZINES DATED MAY 18, 2009

This week I'll be splitting the report up and posting part of it today and part of it tomorrow or Friday. I was going to post it all today, but there's no way I'm going to have time to finish it.

For now, here's the Star part of the report. I started with them because they're story is easily the biggest piece of libelous bullshit I've seen in a tabloid in quite a while. I sincerely hope Angie sics her lawyers on them.

Briseis - There are no song lyrics in this part of the report. I was just too disgusted by the article to even bother.





EXPLOSIVE NEW TELL-ALLS! PREGNANT ANGIE'S SECRETS & LIES

Famed Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has set his sites on Angelina Jolie - and he's got lots to spill! So does her former bodyguard!

By Jennifer Pearson, Heidi Parker, Suzanne Rozdeba & John Bell (Wouldn't want to short any of the Star brain trust on their by-line...)


Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston - and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend! These are just some of the explosive revelations that renowned investigative reporter Andrew Morton COULD serve up in a shocking new tell-all. (Sidebar: The operative word here is "COULD". Morton could also say that none of these rumors are true and were started by malicious gossips who were envious and jealous of Angie or who were simply greedy bastards who didn't care how they made a living.)

And just in case Morton misses any juicy scandals, Angie's ex-bodyguard Mickey Brett is also penning a book of his own! (Sidebar: Yes, Star did have the chutzpah to tell an outright lie. The Mickey book has been stopped in its tracks WEEKS AGO and multiple media outlets have reported as much WEEKS AGO. This is just another instance where a tab CAN print the truth, but deliberately lies instead to sell more mags.)

Morton - who was handpicked by Princess Diana to write Diana: Her True Story - In Her Own Words (Sidebar: This should read, "...who was handpicked by Princess Diana to write Diana: Her True Story - In Her Own Words because Diana was hell-bent on making sure the British public knew exactly how big a heartless, cold asshole Prince Charles really is...") - is already researching every aspect of the 33 year-old actress' life, (Sidebar: Except for the stuff included in our story that we either made up or "borrowed" from other tabloids) including her stint in an L.A. mental institution in 2000. Just hours after her release, (Sidebar: Yeah, about 72 hours - in other words THREE DAYS.) she married Billy Boob (typo but I'm keeping it) Thornton.

"That period in Angelina's life is still a mystery, even to people who are close to her," Morton tells Star. "Was she committed, or was she a voluntary patient? I want to get at the truth and discover why she was there at all." (Sidebar: Where's the mystery? Angie said years ago that she committed herself because she thought something was wrong with how crazy in love she was with BBT...and ya gotta admit, she had a point. And she was only there for a whopping 3 days. We're not talking about weeks, let alone months or years. Exactly how much dirt does he expect to uncover without having employees violate HIPAA regulations and risk losing their jobs?)

"KNIVES AND DRUGS"

In fact, insiders tell Star that Angie's relationship with Billy Bob is rife with shocking details that Morton may expose "She was so obsessed with him that she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her," says a source. (Sidebar: Now THIS is the kind of shit Angie ought to sue these tabs over.) "Angelina was very dramatic, and because she carried knives and did drugs, he thought it was possible she could harm herself. He was so worried that he agreed to tie the knot." (Sidebar: First of all - BBT is far crazier than Angie could ever be. The man, and I LOVE to harp on this, has a phobia about Benjamin Disraeli's hairpiece. This hairpiece is in a British museum under lock and key and nowhere near BBT...yet the man is afraid of it. He's fears orange food and claimed last year that he'll only eat raw foods these days and didn't even say why. Plus, BBT was doing way more drugs than Angie was at this point in her life. In fact, rumor has it, HIS coke habit was the main reason she fell off the wagon during the early stages of their relationship and marriage. Secondly, yes, the Star just let BBT off the hook after claiming for years that he dumped Laura Dern specifically to go chasing after Angie - of his own free will. Now they're claiming that Angie coerced BBT, 20 years her senior and 4-times divorce with just as many failed "engagements", into marrying her by threatening to kill herself. Sue, Angie, sue! BBT switched wives more frequently than most people switch shoes.)

What about Angie and Billy Bob wearing vials of each other's blood around their necks? (Sidebar: What about it? It was a dab of blood in a locket, not a vial. At this point, after 8 years of explaining in various interviews that it was a keepsake locket and not a vial, tabs should have to pay Angie a dime every time they refer to the locket as a vial. She could fund UNICEF for about 10 years on the fifth estate's dime.) Apparently, that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Angie's taste for blood! In her teens, the actress was captivated by vampires, a family insider reveals, "She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She even wanted to become a mortician." (Sidebar: How shocking is that shit really? Angie's told these stories a gazillion times. And it was "boyfriend" - singular, not plural. All the research Morton needs to do is to read Angie's interviews and watch her "Inside the Actor's Studio".)

Morton few from London to L.A. on May 3 with a team of researchers. "I want to separate the truth from all the fiction and all the hype that follows Angelina everywhere," he tells Star. (Sidebar: Pfffft. Like he's the arbiter of what's true. This is a guy who spent 2 years researching Tiny Tom and couldn't find anything hinky about the Scientolocrazies. How is that possible?) "I'd love to sit down with her, and I've made an approach asking her to cooperate on the book." (Sidebar: An overture which I'm sure was met with a big, resounding, "You're writing a book about me? Whatevs, dude. Spell my name right.")

In her younger days, Angie was barely recognizable as the glamorous icon she's become. (Sidebar: GMAFB. Who looks now like they did in their "younger days"? Not even X, Ms. "I tried Botox once" can make that claim. Sorry, Leatherface fans.) In school, "people called her Spider Lady and Freak because she was so thin and pale, and she only wore, black," says another source. (Sidebar: Star may want to rethink the opening sentence of this paragraph...cuz...ANGIE'S STILL "THIN AND PALE," wears a lot of black and people make fun of her because of it. HELL-OOOOOOO!) "She was the outcast. She was far from popular." (Sidebar: Once again - how has this changed? Her popularity level has increased, but not because of rags like this! But rags like this DO try to keep her an "outcast" by forever bringing up shit she did 10, 15 and 20 years ago.)

But by the time she hit sweet 16, Angie was blossoming into a gorgeous woman - and she quickly learned how to use her beauty to snag a much older, married man! (Sidebar: 16-year-old girls cannot make grown ass men do something they wouldn't normally do. Men are whores and think with their dicks. That's just how it is, was and always will be.)

Morton may also reveal that Angelina "had a brief but steamy affair with a guy her mom knew," the family insider tells Star. (Sidebar: "May" = "We made this shit up.") "Angie knew that he was attached - and 20 years older - but she still seduced him! She was a total sex kitten." (Sidebar: Pardon me for pointing this out...AGAIN...but a grown ass man of 36 CANNOT be "seduced" by a 16 year-old girl, no matter how forward said girl is. HE is the adult. It's his responsibility to keep his dick in his pants because if he's caught he's going to become Butch's bitch for 3 1/2 to 7 years. Secondly, we've seen photos and a video of Angie at 16 talking about her sword collection while doing a portfolio for her modeling career. That DID NOT look like a 16 year-old "sex kitten" to me. But hey, I don't write tabloids for a living, so I'm not being paid to see a "sex kitten" on that video.)

Teen temptress Angie knew no limits and even went after her mother Marcheline's boyfriend! "March and her guy had a huge fight, and Angie saw her chance to seduce him. She felt guilty about it, she confessed to her mom. She promised she would never do something like that again," says the insider. (Sidebar: Now Star is definitely in libel territory. Angie and her mother were very close and I seriously doubt Angie would go after her mother's boyfriend. And yet again we have another GROWN ASS MAN getting a free pass from Star. If he was Marcheline's boyfriend, then this was a man well into his 40s or 50s. Why is HE not the one being blamed for seducing a 16 year-old, or younger, child? That is statutory rape, same as the previous scenario, and borderline pedophilia. Yet Star is blaming ANGIE. With fucktards like Star printing this kind of bullshit it's no wonder that young girls and women everywhere remain victims of sexual predators and are too scared to report the crimes. Why bother when people are calling YOU the instigator and saying you "asked for it". Then, years later, you find yourself a celebrity and fuckers like the losers at Star are calling you a "sex kitten" and claiming you seduced men who victimized you. Pardon my French, but this shit irritates the hell out of me. And BTW, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but Marcheline's friends called her "Marsha" NOT "March," because Marsha was her real name and she changed it for her acting career because she thought she needed a more exotic name. So if the person who spoke to Star was supposedly a friend of Marcheline's, why isn't she calling her by the right name? Could it be because Star doesn't know that "Marcheline" was a stage name or that family and friends called her by another name? Someone needs to share Andy Taylor's life lesson for young Opie with the Star staff - "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.")

LUST FOR WOMEN

As Angie grew older, her taste in sex partners expanded to include women. (Sidebar: It's called "bicurious" and "bisexual" and there's nothing wrong with it. Millions of people experience the feelings, yet only a fraction of them are brave enough to experiment.) Actress Jenny Shimizu was just one of them. (Sidebar: Name the others, please Star. On the record, with real names and include proof. Otherwise - you got nuttin' but Shitzu. That goes for you Andrew Morton and Mr. IUC as well.) To this day, says the source (Sidebar: It's Mr. IUC.), "Angie checks into hotels by herself, and Brad doesn't ask questions. But it's because she still likes to sleep with women." (Sidebar: Let's see - does Star offer up proof of this statement? No, of course not. They're basing this assumption on Angie checking into hotels by herself, but all that proves is that she was at a hotel. How do they know Brad didn't join her later? Or how about the fact that interviews are often conducted in hotel suites. Usually the suites are paid for by the magazine or the studio. Also, exactly when does the Star think Angie has time to cheat on Brad? She's got 6 kids who each get individual time every day, her humanitarian work, acting gigs, a boyfriend with working and willing dangly bits, ratzi on her trail, tabloids and trash-mongering "biographers" snooping around in her business, friends/pals/insiders/colleagues/family friend/confidantes who constantly tell all her biz to tabs... The woman doesn't even have time she shave her own muff let alone dive in someone else's!)

Meanwhile, Angie's former bodyguard, Brett, a burly 52-year-old Londoner, could also spill the beans about her hush liaison with a famous rock star (see box on next page)! (Sidebar: I threw that "See box on next page" in there just so y'all would know that accusation was important enough to get it's own sidebar...whet your appetite so to speak...)

But it's Angie's affairs with men that have caused her the most pain - and that she's most worried about having the details of exposed in a new book. (Sidebar: Uh...why? She was single when she slept with men she wasn't married to...so what's the big deal? She's stated her whole public life that she'd never sleep with a married man because of what JV did to her mother, so bring it on, Mr. Morton. Exes Shitzu, JLM and BBT have all said Angie is a woman of her word. Bill O'Reilly did some digging around about her charity donations and found Angie "walks the talk". Brad said Angie is a straight-shooter. Yet Star is now saying she's a fraud. Hmmm...do I believe the people who actually know her...or the rag that uses her to make money? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Also, if he libels Angie in a book and makes millions of bucks off her I hope Angie doesn't let him slide and she sues him and St. Martin's Press for a ton of money...and then gives all their money to charity.)

With his knack for digging, sources tell Star that Morton, 44, could reveal the truth about the babies Angie lost when she was younger. (Sidebar: Hopefully Angie already has Marty Singer filing the libel lawsuit paperwork...)

"I'm told she was pregnant two or three times," says the family insider. "She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." (Sidebar: Now which is it - Angie's a "conniving" "seducer" of older men...yet she was too stupid to guard against pregnancy? Bitch, please.) The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why the now pregnant mom of - (you know the drill, names and ages) - is determined to have a huge family. (Sidebar: Good grief. Now Star is accusing Angie of having multiple abortions. She ain't Sherry Shephard! If Angie had ever had an abortion - she'd have spoken of it publicly. This is a woman who's talked about her self-harming and bisexuality...yet Star is saying she wouldn't discuss an abortion? Double bitch, please.) And her great love for her rainbow brood is one of the main reasons Angie wants to keep her secrets in the closet. (Sidebar: Ummm...Angie has said, and her family as well, that she's spoken of adopting lots of kids and having a huge family since she was a young child. Ergo, that means at the time she was discussing her struggles with cutting and her bisexuality that she knew her children would one day find those things out. Duh.)

"Angie does not want her kids to know about her raunchy past," says a source. (Sidebar: Ummm...see my previous sidebar...)

And she especially doesn't want her daughters to know about her multiple boob jobs, another insider adds. (Sidebar: Oh brother...not this fuckery, too. Anybody missing a kitchen sink? Cuz I think Star's gonna claim Angie stole it by the end of this shitfest.)

"She had them enlarged just before Lara Croft: Tom Raider, then she had them made smaller," says the insider. "She hopes her girls never feel like they need breast augmentation." (Sidebar: ROTFLMAO. Okay...now this is just pathetic. Angie said very clearly that after bulking up for LC:TR she was a 36C, the character was a 36DD, and they split the difference, padded the bra and made her a 36D. After she lost the weight she gained her boobs were smaller. Does Star think she's Xtina? That girl changes boob implants more often than I blink. How is it Star doesn't understand about weight gain and loss? Women gain weight - their bra size goes up. Women lose weight - their bra size goes down - even if their cup size stays the same. You can look at candid pix of Angie and see she was a C-cup before, during and after the LC movies. And anyone who saw her in a nude scene before AND after the LC movies KNOWS those puppies are real. Yes, Star (and Mr. IUC), The Jolie's boobs are natural. Sowwy.)

Another secret Angie is determined to keep out of print: her ongoing scheme to destroy Brad's ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. (Sidebar: Let me guess - it was Angie's hand in X's back that made her fuck up her marriage, get nude on the GQ cover, faux-date loser after loser, make bad romcoms, turn her skin into a replica of the mocha brown leather couch I've got my eye on, repeatedly put on Ass & Cooch shows in Meh-hee-co, suck as an actress, be unable to get a movie greenlit on her own steam...and lest I forget, lie like a cheap ass shag rug in ever interview she's ever given?) After years of denying it, Angie finally copped to falling in love with Brad on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, while he was still married to Jen. (Sidebar: Years of denying it? Let me correct Star - She admitted it in January 2007's Vogue magazine. If Star was too stupid to realize it...NOT Angie's fault. Considering it was the first interview Angie had given since getting together with Brad, there was no "years of lying" because she had no movies to promote, therefore no reason to do interviews and didn't lie to anyone. Savvy?) But that was Angie's plan form the start, the source tells Star! "Right before filming started, Jen introduced herself to Angelina at Warner Bros. Angelina's appraisal was cool. She meant to take Brad from Jen - and he went more than willingly!" (Sidebar: ROTFLMBAOPIMP!!! Honest to God - this is the funniest thing in the whole story! We all know Brad already had 1 1/2 feet out of the door by the time M&MS started shooting, but dammit, Angie helped him put that other 1/2 of a foot over the threshold and walk away! LOL! Seriously though - now Star's claiming Angie planned to steal Brad even though she was already on the record telling interviewers that she wasn't looking for anyone and she liked life with Mad just the way it was...and turned down multiple attempts by BBT to get back together...and they just said she loved sleeping with women, too, so why would Angie have been scheming to take Brad from X before she'd even properly met the man? She said herself that she was guilty of believing the media's view of him - just as he admitted doing with her - and that's why she was so surprised by how much she liked him and how much they had in common, because he was not like the media portrayed him to be. And sorry, but she didn't sound like impressed by the prevailing opinion, therefore why would she have been scheming to "steal" him from X? I know...I know...I need to quit being so damned logical...)

The love scenes between Brad and Angie quickly turned into the real thing, says another insider. "One time, they made out after the director yelled cut, but forgot to turn their mics off. Everyone heard kissing noises and Angelina tell Brad she wanted him. When they realized everyone heard them, they ran to her trailer laughing." (Sidebar: Ay yi yi yi yi. What kind of fuckery is this? If you're going to lie, shouldn't you at least ATTEMPT to get the details right? Actors DO NOT wear mics when filming a movie. The mic is in the overhead boom and in other objects on the set. This isn't the early days of talkies. someone as Star needs to turn off the Al Jolson flix and get with the times. Movies are even in color now! And then there's the bit that they supposedly laughed and ran to their trailer. Maybe they were playing A JOKE? Brad's known as a prankster. Angie has a good sense of humor and doesn't take herself seriously. Therefore having fun on the set is NOT out of the question, as witnessed by the outtakes on the M&MS DVD. God...this mag is tiresome as fuck all.)

BLOCKING JEN

The tell-alls reveal that Angie didn't stop at stealing Jen's man (Sidebar: Uh...one book isn't being written, the other hasn't even been researched, so how does Star know what's in them already? Sorry. I let logic slip into my brain again for a millisecond. I shook my head and tumbled out of my left ear...along with the spare car key I've been missing...): She's also been blocking Jen from getting plum movie roles! "Angie grabs up all the great scripts she knows Jen wants," says a source. "At this rate, Jen will never land an Oscar-worthy role." (Sidebar: BBBBWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Damn...now I've got a stitch in my side from laughing so hard. Someone at the Star obviously got a hold of some really good ganja, blow, ex or crystal meth...or some really cheap ganja, blow, ex or crystal meth cut with Dr. Scholl's foot powder... Does Star not realize that offers come to Angie, roles meant for men are being re-written with Angie specifically in mind and Angie doesn't have to seek scripts out...unlike a certain B-list romcom actress who repeatedly makes movies with titles that reflect her patheticness, who has to audition to get a role co-starring with 22 mutts and a fellow cokehead and who can't get cast in a serious drama no matter who she sleeps with and how good friends she is with a certain studio head's daughter. Let me break this down for Star - Angie: Tied for #2 on Forbes Most Bankable Stars list; X: Tied for 55th on the same list - behind Angie's fellow Oscar winning actresses - Julia Roberts (11), Meryl Streep (16), Nicole Kidman (22), Reese Witherspoon (34) Charlize Theron (38), Cate Blanchett (39), Jodie Foster (40), Putrid (40), Kate Winslet (51); and Oscar nominees Keira Knightly (40); proven box office draws Drew Barrymore (44), Cameron Diaz 47), and Sandra Bullock (53). And then there are the women who rank equal to or below X who either get better scripts or have to hustled for them - and NONE of them are named "Angelina Jolie" - Oscar winners Halle Berry (55), Renee Zellweger (62), Hillary Swank, (68) Penelope Cruz (70), Catherine Zeta-Jones (85), Helen Mirren (96); Oscar nominees Anne Hathaway (80) and Naomi Watts (100). And then there are the other actresses who have their own production companies and come up with their own projects or can actually talk someone into funding them without having to sleep with them - ScarJo (77), Kate Hudson (80), Natalie Portman (80), JLo (98) and Uma Thurman (98).

Folks - I only made it through the first 100 out of 1400 actors that were included in the poll. Notice that Katherine Heigl's name isn't mentioned above? Yet she's the 9th or 10th highest paid actress in HW. She gets scripts that X would kill her for. There's also Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Katherine Keener, Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton - you know...women who can really bring it in a drama.

In other words - I'm not only calling BULLSHIT on Star but I'm laughing in their faces for so wantonly flaunting their stupidity.

http://star-currency.forbes.com/celebrity-list/top-celebrities)

And Angie is about to ratchet up her vengeance on Jen, the source adds. "They both have big movies coming out: in July 2010 Angie's film Salt opens,and later comes Jen's film The Baster. Angie has already secured the covers of Vanity Fair and another major magazine because she knew Jen wanted to do them too." (Sidebar: Pfffft. Like Graydon Carter is going to tell the Star magazine his plans for the JULY 2010 cover! Graydon Carter doesn't trust his own staff with info on future issues of his mag. I'm almost positive Candace Trunzo IS NOT on his list of "most trustworthy people." And then there's the fact that X's movie isn't a major studio release and will be going the same "limited release" route as misManagement - and Traveling, too, IF she ever gets a US distributor for it.)

Baring her deepest secrets, Morton's book could be painfully embarrassing for Angie. (Sidebar: Then again, there could be no secrets to bare and the book will be little more than a rehash of all the things Angie has already told herself.) But it's bodyguard Brett's tell-all that may deliver the most bitter blow, says a source. (Sidebar: That should be ..."ex-bodyguard Mickey Brett, won't deliver any blows because Brett's tell-all has been stopped in its tracks by one of the most powerful entertainment law firms in the world.")

"Angelina trusted Mickey with her kids and her life," the source explains. She always felt protected with him. Now she's devastated to hear that he's talking about her private life. I doubt she'll ever get too chummy with a bodyguard again. She learned her lesson." (Sidebar: I think this faux quote fulfills Star's "1% Real Fruit Juice" quota for the article. I'm sure Angie called Mickey herself and gave him an earful. Then again, Mickey had nothing but nice things to say about HER. I doubt she'd ever make Assley's wet dreams come true and sic him on Brad IF they split. Sorry, Ass. You and your alters are on your own.)


COVER STORY PHOTO - B/A/Z/S exiting the Stop & Shop on Long Island

CAPTION - Sure, Angie is now a great mom t her six kids (there's another on the way) - but she's got lots of skeletons in her closet! (Sidebar: Yes, Star is STILL pimping their fake pregnancy...)

SIDEBAR: ANGIE SLEPT WITH HER MOM'S BOYFRIEND... (includes a photo of Angie & her mother at the Original Sin premiere - they cropped Jacqueline Bissett out of the photo)

A tell-all could reveal that after hooking up with her mother Marcheline's boyfriend, "Angie cried and begged march to forgive her," an insider tells Star. "Of course, March did." (Sidebar of my own: Lying about sleeping with a dead woman's boyfriend? Thank God Angie's mother didn't live to see this bullshit.)

...AND SHARED A BED WITH HER BROTHER! (includes the obligatory pic of Angie kissing James after she won her Oscar)

The truth about Angie's strange relationship with her brother James Haven, whom she kissed on the lips at the Oscars in 2000, may finally be revealed. "I've heard that she'd creep into his bed when they were in their teens," says Morton. (Sidebar of my own: Wow...that seals it for me...he "heard". Guess it must be true, then. In her teens? Umm...pardon me for pointing this out, but when she was 14 her boyfriend moved into their house with them...so did she bring her boyfriend along on the trips to James' room? Seriously, WTF is wrong with people? Teenage siblings of the opposite sex sleeping in the same bed, so they MUST be having an incestuous relationship? These people need to sign up for Maury's show and stop projecting their own slimy perversions on everyone else. And why is all of this shit Angie's fault? All of these men Star has accused her of "seducing" are older than she is and supposedly responsibility and maturity comes with age, so why are they getting a free pass and Angie's being made into a big ole X-type ho?)

SIDEBAR - SHE CHEATED ON BRAD!

Photo - Brad outside the Standard hotel two weeks ago with a big cut-out circle proclaiming "BOMBSHELL TELL-ALL!"...The big ass caption is just in case you forgot that Star is giving you a first look at info that Morton has yet to uncover because he's still "researching" Angie in L.A...

Brad may have fallen for Angie while he was still wed to Jennifer Aniston, but in the summer of 2007, Angie began cheating on him with a blonde, female rock superstar! "Mickey the bodyguard knew all about this relationship," an insider tells Star. (Sidebar of my own: This would be the same "insider" who SOLD OuttaTouch this SAME TALE 4 months ago...and UK tabloid Grazia 2 months before that. What a wonderful pedigree of truth & honesty, huh? This lie is a dog even X wouldn't make a movie with.) "And the details are pretty hot! Between the summer of 2007 and September 2008, Angie and this singer had sex about half a dozen times, and they hooked up a few times late at night, right on the beach in Malibu! (Sidebar: Wait a sec - Star just said Angie checked into hotels to have sex with women...now they're saying she was such a skank she did it on the beach instead. This story is like watching a cat play with a ball of yarn - it's one big fucking knotted mess.) Now Angie considers her a friend and doesn't want to tarnish her image with this coming out!" (Sidebar of my own: Let me start with the obvious - It's already been stated that Mickey has not been allowed a visa to enter the U.S., let alone a green card to work here, since the late 1990s. Therefore, any tales of a lesbian affair in Malibu, coming from Mickey, unless he claims Angie told him directly, would be here say or an outright lie. Secondly Angie wasn't in California, much less Malibu, very often from April 2007 to mid-October 2007; and she spent 6 1/2 months of 2008 very pregnant, the last 4 months of which she was in France, followed by spending 2 months in seclusion at their rented French estate. So...was she having lesbian sex while pregnant with Brad's child? Is this what Star really wants us to believe?

Since the Star has clearly forgotten where Angie (WITH BRAD and the kids) spent most of 2007, let me remind me. Using my memory (and Jared's archives!) I'm going to give Angie's very busy itinerary for the time period laid out in this sidebar - Summer (June 22) 2007 to September 2008 - and dare Star to show me where this woman had time to have lezbo relationships behind Brad backs...unless it was with Gwen Stefani while Shiloh & Kingston were having a play date! We all know Gavin swings both ways, why NOT Gwen? And she is blond...and she IS a "rock star". BTW - keep in mind that Angie told Marie Claire that Pax was sleeping in their bed after she brought him home from the orphanage (and the other kids would crawl in, too). She said he adjusted to life with them pretty quickly, but who knows how long he slept in their bed before he was able to sleep the night through on his own. She also said that she could only leave Pax with others for an hour or two at a time because he'd get scared, panic and started crying if she was gone too long.

Okay.. Here we go...

- Early-to-mid-June 2007: Promoting AMH in LA and NYC, followed by Brad's O13 premiere in LA. Probably spent a total of 8 days in Cali - worked the entire time, including an evening she and Brad spent with Daniel Pearl's parents, another evening showing AMH to the Daniel Pearl Foundation

- Mid-June 2007: Back in Prague for Wanted shoot; took a side trip to Bilbao with Brad; Brad spent 1 day in Berlin with his architect buds, so I guess she could have been cheating then, but the last time I checked Prague and Malibu are about 5,600 miles apart...

- Mid-to-late July 2007: Family on vacay in France

- Early August 2007: Family back in L.A. for TWO DAYS while Angie does voice work for KFP. Family then heads to Chicago for end of Wanted shoot

- First 2 weeks of August 2007: In Chicago shooting Wanted

- Third week of August 2007: In NO for a few days while Brad does some work on his Global Green project

- Last week of August 2007: Moved to NYC for Brad's BAR shoot, then to Venice, Deauville and Toronto FFs, 1 in DC for Angie to meet with Condi & Colin Powell while Brad was at the Washington Post researching his ill-fated SOP role as a journalist, but otherwise in NYC for about 6 weeks while Brad shot BAR and they both did the CGI

- Mid-Oct 2007 to early Dec 2007: Back to LA for Changeling shoot, which began on Oct 16. Also had the LA Beowulf premiere, then to London for 1 day for the Beowulf premiere their. In November she cancelled a trip to Italy, due to illness, to speak at some charity event that was presenting her with an award. Otherwise she worked on Changeling 5 days a week...and judging from what she said in the USA Today interview with Clint, she spend all her time in between shots knockin' boots with Brad in her trailer. Considering how Star spent this entire time saying Angie was too "scarily skinny" and knockin' at death's door because she refused to eat... you'd think the woman would have been too tired for a little lezbo nookie on the side!

- Early Dec 2007: Back in NO where Brad announced his MIR project. Oooh...On Dec 8/9 Brad and Angie went to Vegas for the Hatton/Mayweather fight...WITH GWEN & GAVIN! So there you have it - it's Gwen Stefani! Okay, okay...forget they were in public most of the time and nobody reported, let alone video-taped, any lezbo sex acts between them! This is Star we're talking about...

- Mid-December 2007: Back to LA for a week or so while Brad pimps MIR on talk shows around the country. All his spots were filmed in LA, so settle down trolls. At this point Angie was already pregnant and knew it. But maybe that's an aphrodisiac for her fictitious lesbian lover....

- Late Dec 2007: Back in NO for the holidays; followed by a trip to Missouri

- Early January 2008: Back to LA for awards season where everyone wondered if Angie was preggers at the CCA's and then her cleavage was on display at the SAGs. Once again, Star, Angie is pregnant...by Brad...NOT the fictitious lesbian lover. BUT...let's not forget that Angie did the VF photoshoot at Malibu house around this time...except... it was with dozens of people from VF present and no lesbian lover anywhere around. Drats! Foiled again!

- Early February 2008: Angie's honored at the Santa Barbara Film Festival...make that A STILL PREGNANT BY BRAD PITT'S SPERM ANGELINA JOLIE. The family then heads to Mammoth Mountain for a few days of skiing and snowboard. Followed by dinner with the Eastwoods, then Angie goes to Iraq - sans her lesbian lover who was waiting in vain for her on the beach in the 'Bu. When she returns to LA 4 days later they head to the Ind Spirit Awards where Angie's pregnancy was revealed...and the fictitious lesbian lover wept...

- Late Feb 2008: The day after the Night Before party that the tabs touted as the first Angie/Brad/X showdown the family shows up in Austin, TX for TOL shoot. Angie's already 3 1/2 months preggers...and once again, Austin, TX is nowhere near Malibu, CA.

- Mid-March 2008: The family goes to NO for Brad's the CGI event with Bill Clinton; then back to TX to complete TOL shoot. During this time the Star had a story claiming Brad and Angie had married in NO. When Peeps and US debunked their story, Bonnie Fuller, at the time she still oversaw Star, then tried to bribe a clergyman at a church in NO to get him to say he'd performed the wedding ceremony. The preacher refused and told everyone about the bribe attempt' Bonnie was later fired, but alas, it had little to do with the failed bribe attempt than with Star's plunging circ numbers. Angie also went to Washington DC for 2 days during this time. She took Maddox & Pax and met up with Marianne Pearl to present her with an award. Since Marianne is neither blonde nor a rock star, Star is crossing her off the list of potential lesbian lovers.

Mid-April 2008: Family heads back to LA for about a week, then decamps for Paul Allen's villa in southern France. At this point Angie's belly is waaaaaaay out there. Once again...maybe this fictitious lesbian lover has a thing for hugely pregnant women carrying not 1, but 2, of Brad Pitt's babies.

April 29, 2008: E! reports that the J-Ps are in France.

May - September 30, 2008: The family is in France, where they stayed at various abodes, sans Angie's fictitious lesbian lover, for the birth of the twins, Angie's recovery, family bonding time with the kids, grandparents and extended family until they return to the U.S. in the wee morning hours of October 2, 2008 for the Changeling premiere at the NYFF. Brad, however, did take trips to the Venice FF at the end of August 2008 and the Toronto IFF in early September; and also started shooting IB in Germany before the rest of the family moved there to be with him. However, this is all extraneous info and I'm rubbing salt in Star's open, puss-filled wound because they claim the fictitious affair ended by September 2008. I was just being mean. Shame on me, huh?

And that, folks, is how you kneecap a bitch. Idiotic stories that give specific timelines for fictitious events are a big no-no in tabloid journalism. It's far too easy to prove they're lying. Were there opportunities during this time for Angie to have an affair? Sure. Then again, there were opportunities during this time for Angie cure cancer, end the war in Iraq and accidentally run over X with a luxury SUV...but she didn't do any of that shit either, did she?)

FOR MAGS DATED MAY 11, 2009

Before I begin the report – I apologize in advance for making you look at a pic of Kim KardASSian…in a bikini no less.


Also, no song lyrics in this report because I forgot…again…I’ll try to do better next week…











I was LMAO at the caption to the main picture with the story on Brad and Angie. It was one of the pix from India when Brad & Angie took Mad and Z walking and Angie tried to buy Z some ice cream and Brad tasted it first, then threw it away.

Anyway...Mickey's in the picture with them and he's wearing a black t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up so you can see his biceps and his tats. The caption says, "He's a scary foe!" All I could think was..."Wonder how long they had to search before they found a picture where Mickey's NOT wearing a pink shirt?"


BRAD & ANGELINA: THE FIGHT OF THEIR LIVES

Faced with reports that their bodyguard is planning to reveal their secrets, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie battle back!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been through a lot together, from a love affair that began when Brad was still married to their travels around the globe with their six kids. Along the way, one man was by their side, trusted bodyguard Mickey Brett, who protected Brad and Angelina and their children for years. (Sidebar: I was going to hold off on my comments to see how long it took L&S to tell their first lie and doggonit if they didn't get in a whole 45 words before they started FUDGING on the truth. Mickey guarded them "for years"? More like, "Mickey guarded them for years when the family traveled abroad." But...that doesn't sound as promising as a bodyguard who was there 24/7365 spilling all their secrets.)

Now, according to reports, Brett's considering committing the ultimate betrayal. (Sidebar: In other words, "We don't consider our lies to be "a betrayal" because they never signed our paychecks.") On April 26, New York Daily News, reported receiving a proposal for a tell-all book and TV show based on Brett's work as a bodyguard to the stars. "the main focus of the pitches," the newspaper said, "was Brangelina." (Sidebar: Of course the focus was Angie and Brad. Nobody cares about Tiny Tom's crazy ass anymore. People just accepted that he's crazy and always will be and moved on!)

Brett, who was fired in 2008, clearly would have lots to write about. (Sidebar: Not as much as the tabs think!) A report earlier this year said he planned to include details of how Brad, 45, and Angie, 33, first hooked up on the set of M&MS in 2004, just 3 three into filming and long before Brad and Jen divorced. (Sidebar: Yeah..."a report" by their sister publication, OuttaTouch...who stole their story from a UK tabloid, The Sun, IIRC. The lineage of this lie reads like a who's who of professional liars.)

As head of security for the duo, he would also have been a witness to their many knockdown fights and could write about what they're like as parents. (Sidebar: Why is it I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around Brad and Angie having "knockdown fights" in front of the hired help? More specifically, I can't see BRAD fighting in front of "the help". Angie probably doesn't give a rat's ass...but BRAD would.)

BRAD AND ANGELINA'S PAIN

Angelina - who first met Brett in 2000 and was especially close to him - and Brad are both hurt and furious about the potential tell-all. "It's hard to think of a bigger betrayal in Angelina's life than Brett (Sidebar: Uh, does the name "Jon Voight" ring any bells for Lies & Shit?) going out and attempting to profit from his time with Angelina and the rest of the family," says an insider close to the actress. (Sidebar: After Shitzu and The Sperm Donor sold her down the river, I highly doubt Angie was that shocked that Mickey would attempt to do the same.)

But Brad and Angie aren't planning to let him get the chance. "They knew this was coming and have been planning to defend against it for months," the insider says. "They're certain they're going to come out on top." (Sidebar: Let's put it this way - if Brad and Angie, as superior as the HW A-list gets these days, lose a fight to keep their bodyguard from blabbing, then a streak of fear HW has never seen the likes of before will reverberate through the entertainment industry. Just think how actors in the closet - Tiny Tom, Travolta, Will Smith, etc. - are going to panic. Famous people will have to fire all their flunkies and go back to fending off fans, opening doors and wiping their asses themselves. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they even started answering their own phones and reading their own e-mail.)

BRANGELINA STRIKE BACK

Indeed, a lawyer for the couple, Marty Singer, told the Daily News that Brett is a pathological liar, (Sidebar: Anybody besides me seeing the irony of a tabloid reporting on someone being a pathological liar? Tabs could print the truth, but they choose not to, ergo, they're pathological liars for profit.) and he's long been a controversial figure. While with the Jolie-Pitts in India in 2006, Brett was arrested for choking a photographer (Sidebar: Not true. The photographer yelped about it to the press, but never filed charges.) and allegedly hurled racial slurs at parents trying to pick up their kids. (Sidebar: Also not true. That was ultimately proven false and was actually the ratzi. If they were trying to make a point that Mickey's violent they'd have done better to cite the incidents in Namibia or the time he was questioned about a murder.)

Singer says Brett is bound by a confidentiality agreement that prohibits his writing a tell-all, and Brett may have already backed down. "I'm not writing a tell-all book," he tells Life & Style, "It's not true." (Sidebar: If he's a pathological liar, does it really matter that he denies it?) Whatever the case, Brad and Angie will continue to fight to protect themselves. "Mickey has seen Angie at her best and her worst," the insider says. "If he did do a tell-all, she'd have the most to lose." (Sidebar: Ya think? Tales of Brad wiping his ass with his bare hands aside, Mickey worked for Angie for 7 years. He only worked for Brad on 3 occasions, yes, only 3 occasions - Namibia, India and Prague...and somehow I doubt Brad and Angie were openly discussion Brad's bathroom habits while their bodyguard was present.)

SIDEBAR: WHAT COULD BE IN THE TELL-ALL BOOK

1. Did Brad cheat on Jen? (pic from M&MS tango scene)

Brett reportedly walked in on an intimate moment between Brad and Angie in 2004, when Brad was still married to Jen. (Sidebar of my own: If he did then he must have gotten Mr. Scott to teleport him to Cali. I believe we've already established that Mickey hasn't been granted a visa to enter the US since the late 90s/early 2000s. Or maybe Mickey's just so darned good at his job that he guarded Angie from 5500 miles away.)

2. Angie's kinky side (pic of Angie in the dominatrix outfit in M&MS)

One report says Brett could expose how Angie won Brad over by dressing in latex and using sex toys. (Sidebar of my own: First of all, Brad would be the one wearing latex, or do I need to explain "safe sex" to the eds at Lies & Shit? Secondly, who was Angie using these sex toys on - herself or Brad? And...did Mickey get video that will be included in the book, on DVD or streamed over the internet? If so, I'm going straight to Amazon.com to reserve my copy of the non-existing book right now.)

3. Their biggest fights (pic of Brad & Angie at the Deauville FF in 2007. Brad has his hand on Angie's arm in what I guess L&S thought was an aggressive manner. It's one of the pix where he was helping her into their limo...)

"Mickey, more than anyone, has seen Brad and Angie go at it," says an insider. (Sidebar: Yeah right. Angie and Brad were smart enough to have Mickey sign a confidentiality agreement, but dumb enough to air all their business in front of him - and the nannies, housekeeper, dog trainer, tutors, gardeners, etc.)

4. What they're like as parents (pic of Brad & Shiloh on the CCOBB when they were BOTH eyeballing that other little girl's cookie)

Brett would have the inside story on how Brad and Angie really raise their kids. (Sidebar: You mean the hand-me-downs, thumb sucking, blankies and bedheads aren't all the clues you need? Why not? It's enough for the trolls.)

BRAD TAKES THE KIDS

Joined by his parents, Brad Pitt holds his children close as he faces an uncertain future with Angelina Jolie

Wearing a blue plastic poncho and lots of layers, Brad Pitt helped his oldest sons, Maddox and Pax, onto the famed Maid of the Mist tour boat during a family outing to Niagara Falls on April 25. But while Brad was clearly trying to make it a fun day for the boys - and for his visiting parents, Bill and Jane - there was no missing the sadness etched into his face. At a breaking point in his relationship with Angelina Jolie, "Brad is finding this time so much tougher than his divorce [from Jennifer Aniston]," says a confidante. (Sidebar: Maybe that's because there's are emotions other than disgust and relief involved here.) "With Jen, it was just the two of them, but with Angie, there are six kids involved." (Sidebar: "...which we here at In Touch don't give a rat's ass about.")

As In Touch previously reported, Brad, 45, left the rented Long Island home he shares with Angelina and their children on April 9 when the fighting between them became too much for him to take. And though he did return on April 18, it was purely for the children's sake. "He knows that he and Angie are over," the confidante shares. "They try to be civil, but they rarely speak these days without it erupting into a screaming match." Spending most of his time with - (Sidebar: mentally insert usual litany of kids names and ages here.) - and as little time as possible with Angelina - (Sidebar: Typically that time is spent with a few of his body parts joined to her body parts.) Brad is trying to figure out what would happen if he had to share custody of the children. (Sidebar: Usually the way that works is that...Angie would have the kids SOME OF THE TIME...and then BRAD would have the kids...SOME OF THE TIME. That's why it's called "sharing custody"!)

But that may be easier said than done. According to the confidante, Angelina has threatened that she won't give up the kids without a fight: "He's worried the kids are picking up on that." (Sidebar: What parent worth his/her salt (pun not intended) gives up their kids without a fight? If these tabs wrote in more than clichés, then maybe they wouldn't sound so fucking up their own asses!)

HIS PARENTS ARE CONCERNED (Sidebar: "...by how often we drag their names into our bullshit stories...")

Brad's parents, Jane and Bill, are aware of the severe rift between their son and his partner - but even though there is no love lost between them and Angelina, they are urging him to work things out with Angie so that he can still play a role in his children’s lives. (Sidebar: They're also urging Brad to work things out so that OuttaTouch can continue to lie and defame them. Such a shame they don't sue these fucktards.) "Jane has been telling Brad, 'Those kids are what's important, not you or Angie,'" the confidante says. But though Brad "knows she's right," adds the source, he also understands that he can't stay in such an unhappy relationship - and it's upsetting him deeply. (Sidebar: Why not? He stayed married to X for at least 2 years after their marriage was dead? Another 17 years - until the twins are 18 - with Angie should be child's play. The really hard part is going to be stopping himself from sleeping with Angie and accidentally having more babies with her or accidentally signing his name to more adoption papers during those 17 years. Because THAT would definitely delay his exit from the relationship OuttaTouch says he doesn't want...yet somehow I think there'll be more babies and more adoptions...) "The idea that he may not be around to see every minute of his kids growing up is tearing Brad apart." (Sidebar: Betcha it's not tearing him up nearly as much as that chili-cheese dog with kraut, onions and Kosher pickles that he had for lunch. Middle-aged men...they never learn...still think they can eat like they ate at 22. Nexium, Brad. Get some. It's your friend.)

But that idea may soon be a reality. On a rare shopping trip with Angelina, 33, and the kids on April 18, Brad, "was in a foul mood," reveals one shopper who saw the family at a Long Island Stop & Shop. Brad appeared to be frustrated with a clerk who couldn't find a type of organic tea he wanted: "Brad seemed like he was at his wit's end, and didn't say one word to Angelina." (Sidebar: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm gonna let Peeps handle this one for me...

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20275350,00.html

Katherine Pastore, a manager at the local Stop & Shop, agrees. She spotted the celeb pair in the store on April 18 with daughters Zahara, 4 and Shiloh, 2 ½. "They looked out of place because they were so beautiful," says Pastore. "They looked like they were airbrushed when they were walking. I went up to Brad and asked if he needed help and he said, 'No thanks.' I was looking at him but I don't really remember it – it was like a dream."

Pastore says the stars acted like regular shoppers, walking the aisles – each pushing a daughter in a shopping cart – and buying items such as pre-sliced watermelon, nuts, tuna fish and toys.

"They were very attentive with their kids. Brad was rubbing Zahara's back and Angelina was comforting Shiloh when she got a little upset. It was sweet," adds Pastore.

I think perhaps OuttaTouch assumes - and you know what they say about "assuming" - that its readers only read it and never read Peeps...)

THE LAW IS ON HER SIDE

And during the Niagara Falls trip, Angelina was conspicuously absent. (Sidebar: Yah, cuz she was WORKING!) While the younger children were being watched by nannies, and Angelina - who was shooting in Albany, N.Y. - could have easily made the trip to the falls to join them for the day, (Sidebar: So you admit you knew she was working but still lied in order to make her look bad.) she "bailed out," a family friend says. (Sidebar: I'm sure that would have gone over well with the studio and the producers - "I know this shoot was planned meticulously for months - down to the last millisecond, but...I need the day off to go to Niagara Falls with my husband, in-laws and two of my kids because OuttaTouch thinks it's hinky that I'm working while they're wearing fug blue ponchos that make them look like water 'fraidy cats and riding around on a boat to go look at water fall off a big ass cliff into a river...and there's not even a cool dam making hydro-electric power! It's just dumb water running into more dumb water like it's been doing for a few hundred million years!")

Another friend of Brad's says that he is "seriously considering leaving Angelina," (Sidebar: "...for the weekend to go to L.A. on business and to a Chris Cornell concert on Sunday night...but...he'll be back in a day or two...unless he stops off in Brazil to visit DJ for a few days...") knowing his family would be there to help him with parenting responsibilities. But a friend of Angelina's says, "She's not about to just hand him the six kids. She will fight for full custody, and she'll fight to the end." (Sidebar: I wish OuttaTouch would stop acting like these two are completely insensitive to their children's needs. Angie knows better than most that a child needs the steady influence and guidance of a good father. I think she and Brad would be able to share custody without a big melodrama...which is EXACTLY what the tabs are afraid of because that puts them scrambling for new cover material.)

And Angelina would have every legal right to do just that - but divorce lawyer Vikki Ziegler, (Sidebar: "...who is an ambulance chaser, bad at her job and clearly needs the business or else she wouldn't be speaking to us on the record under her real name...") who does not represent Brad or Angelina, (Sidebar: "...and never will...") warns that it will be the children who suffer most, (Sidebar: "...not that she cares as long as she gets P-A-I-D before all her client's money is gone...") and whether or not Brad's name is on the adoption papers, "they call him Daddy. The whole family believes he is the father." (Sidebar: Now you know why Assley was here last week going on and on about Brad's not having legally adopted Mad, Pax and Z. A troll's work is never done.)

And from a personal perspective, says Dr. Gilda Carle, (Sidebar: Yes, it's that talky bitch...AGAIN...) it's in the children's best interest (Sidebar: "...not that we care. We just want you to buy this issue and save us from a potential bankruptcy...") to have both Brad and Angelina in their lives. "They've grown to love Brad, grown to trust him," explains Dr. Gilda Carle, author of the e-book ____________ (Sidebar: Same shitastic drivel as last week. I refuse to give her anymore promotional space on my dime.) , who does NOT treat the couple. "You always seen them doing activities with him. (Sidebar: That's cause he's the manny, not the daddy! Silly shrinkette!) The kids are no doubt going to be disoriented if they split." (Sidebar: "...not that I care. The more fucked up they are, the more checks I get from OuttaTouch for my 'expert' opinion.") And if one parent gets full custody, "they will only understand that Daddy isn't here or Mommy isn't here." (Sidebar: "...not that I give a shit about their rug rats. All I know is the more miserable those kids are the more money I make in consult fees. Cha-ching! Baby's buying a new pair of Louboutins!)

PHOTOS - pic B/M/P/J/B on Maid of the Mist

Caption: TRYING TO HAVE FUN - A friend says that Brad's mom noticed how unhappy he seemed during their trip to Niagara Falls with Pax and Maddox (Sidebar: What they don't say is that Jane noticed that no matter how sad he look...he was still happier now than he was with the Rhinoplastied One.)

SIDEBAR: ANGELINA IS THROWING HERSELF INTO WORK

Despite emotional and physical exhaustion, Angelina has been doing grueling stunts on the New York set of Salt, and she isn't planning to rest any time soon - she just signed on to play Dr. Kay Scarpetta in the movie versions of Patricia Cornwell's books. (Sidebar of my own: OuttaTouch neglects to tell its readers that this is a project with no script, no writer, no directors and no financing. In other words - they ain't making it next week!) "It's typical Angie, burying herself in her work so she doesn't have to think about her problems," says an insider. "Her brother is telling her to take a vacation and get lots of sleep, but she won't listen." (Sidebar: Now how is she going to "take a vacation and get lots of sleep" if she's got sole custody of 6 kids? OuttaTouch forgot they just broke her and Brad up and gave Angie custody. Even if she has nannies to help, she's still going to have 6 kids to watch...unless she ships them off to the daddy OuttaTouch says she doesn't want them to see anymore. Lame, lame, lame...)


SIDEBAR: HIS FAMILY IS THERE FOR HIM - AS ALWAYS

Throughout his relationship with Angelina, Brad's parents have always been available for moral - and physical - support with the kids. "Even though they have nannies, Brad would much rather have his children looked after by family than people that they hire," and insider explains. "He loves having them around." (Sidebar: Yeah, Brad loves having his parents around so darned much that during the X years he rarely made it back to Missouri to see them and made them schlep all the way out to Cali because X couldn't be bothered to visit Podunk, Missouri. Feel the love.)

1. THEY HAD FUN IN NEW ORLEANS (pic of Jane with Shiloh & Maddox in horse-drawn carriage) - Back in 2007, Jane and Bill helped their children and grandkids settle into their new home in Louisiana. (Sidebar: I am sooooo ashamed of OuttaTouch. Who edits this piece of shitoid these days? Here they have a perfect opportunity to remind America that Jane & Bill were in NO in February 2007 helping watch the kids because Angie and Brad were having one of their "knockdown fights" and Angie ran off to Chad - on a moment’s notice - to visit Darfur refugees, leaving Brad with 1 toddler, a 5 year old and an infant...while simultaneously filming CCOBB. Instead all we get is some lame bit about how much fun the elder Pitts had. OuttaTouch could have gone on at length about Angie abandoning her duties as a mother and how Jane reminded Brad that X would never do such a thing...if only X had kids...and that Jane told Brad he should never have left X, blah, blah, blah. This sidebar gets a big old "FAIL!" from me. Opportunities wasted...)

2. HELPING WITH THE KIDS (pic of Brad/Z/Jane at museum in France last summer) - Soon after the twins were born, the couple flew to the Jolie-Pitt home in France to watch their grandchildren. (Sidebar of my own: Yet another wasted opportunity. OuttaTouch could have told America that when the down-home Missouri couple arrived in France they reminded Brad that X would never have had their baby on foreign soil, IT would have been born in America, my country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty...a God-fearing land where salt of the earth peeps like the Pitts eat good old fashioned American food like mountain oysters and chit'lings and don't cotton to eating slimy critters that crawl on the ground and give the dish a fancy names like "escargot." A snail's a snail in Missouri and damned proud of it! Instead we get, "The Pitts flew to France to help watch their grandchildren." This rag is run by a bunch of fucking amateurs! And they wonder why their sales are down...)

3. SPENDING TIME IN NEW YORK (pic of Jane & Bill in Dunkin Donuts parking lot) - Brad's folks leant moral support to their son when he took the kids to Niagara Falls during the weekend of April 25. (Sidebar of my own: Here's some more candy-assed writing. OuttaTouch had the perfect opportunity to remind American that Angie was shirking her motherly AND wifely responsibilities by working at a j-o-b and not being at her husband's side taking care of his children and pampering the visiting in-laws who can't stand her ass...just like every housewife in America with a meddling mother-in-law. OuttaTouch could have given the MVM even more reason to side with X...cuz X would be there kissing the MIL's ass trying to make the woman like her. And all OuttaTouch gives me is some line about the Pitts giving moral support to Brad? I have always said - if you're going to lie, lie big. Don't do these silly little lies that are easily debunked. Make people THINK about it before they call "bullshit" on you! Pussies.)


SIDEBAR: THE PRESSURE IS GETTING TO HIM

(PHOTOS - Side-by-side pix of Brad - With Z & Shiloh shopping in DC & In front of the Standard Hotel the afternoon he shot the Softel commercial)

As recently as March, Brad was still smiling in public, but lately, he's been looking exhausted, thinner - and very sad. "Brad hasn't seemed like himself lately," says a friend of the actor. "He's been acting like he has a lot on his mind." And the confidante shares, "Brad's love for the kids is never going to change, but he has been acting depressed about everything else in his life." (Sidebar: Soooooo...Brad's "acting like he has a lot on his mind," and from this OuttaTouch deduces that he and Angie are having relationship problems? Let me see if I can give some example of some other things Brad could be worrying about -

1. Mickey's faux book.
2. Andrew Morton's supposed book.
3. 6 kids under the age of 8 who could turn out to be serial killers if he fucks up their upbringing...just the thought sends a cold shiver up my spine.
4. His production company.
5. We ARE in a recession, ya know.
6. Shitty tabloids like this one getting all up in his bizness
7. His upcoming movie that's scheduled to shoot not too long after Angie wraps her film and the logistics of moving the entire family across the country - AGAIN.
8. That his six pack is turning into a keg due to all the liquor DJ/Bet/Tres Jolie/Assley/Shitzy said he drinks.
9. MIR
10. The faux triangle will never end.

I could go on, but I think the OuttaTouch and other tab trolls get the point...)


SIDEBAR: IT'S AFFECTING THE KIDS, TOO!

(pic of Maddox & Pax in the airport parking lot after their visit to Niagara Falls when they were obviously having a brotherly quarrel...but they conveniently left out the pic from 2 seconds later when Mad had his arm around Pax's shoulder.)

The tension between Brad and Angelina has spread to their kids - especially the two oldest boys, says a friend. "Maddox and Pax can sense something is wrong with their parents, and they're acting up," the friend shares. "One minute they're fighting each other, and the next they're ganging up on Shiloh and Zahara. It's turning into chaos." (Sidebar of my own: Oh please. Princess Zahara could melt both Mad and Pax into a puddle of goo with just ONE of her patented Kiss My ASs You Pathetic Ratzi Bitches stares. Besides, if Pax wants to keep his dancing partner he knows he'd better recognize...)


SIDEBAR: WILL SHE GET PREGNANT TO KEEP BRAD?

PHOTO - Pic of Angie in the black maxidress from last week

CAPTION - IS THAT A BUMP? Angelina covered up on the set of Salt on April 23. (Sidebar of my own: Yes, they're still calling that little left-over fat in Angie's lower belly a "baby bump". If it were to disappear suddenly all the tabs would be yelling she got it lipoed away out of vanity.)

PHOTOS - Pic of Angie in the green dress at the Cannes KFP premiere next to cut-out pix of Knox & Vivienne from the airport in Tokyo

CAPTION - SHE DID IT BEFORE. "They were on the verge of splitting right before Angelina got pregnant with Vivienne and Knox," the friend explains. "It worked then and it will work now." (Sidebar of my own: Let me correct this caption - "We know we said they were on the verge of splitting before Angie announced her last pregnancy...but we were just funnin' with youse guys! Ha. Ha. Ha. You know how we are...always with the jokes. Ha. Ha. Ha.")

Angelina is so desperate to hold on to Brad that friends say she's ready to turn to a tried-and-true method: conceiving his child. (Sidebar of my own: Since Brad is an unwilling participant in this pregnancy, can we assume he'll be filing rape charges against Angie? Or did she borrow X's turkey baster?) "The second she tells him she's pregnant, he unpacks his bags," says an insider, and another likens it to couples counseling. "They don't fight, he becomes Mr. Happy Dad, and even she has publicly claimed the sex is at its best when she's expecting," says the friend, who predicts Angie will give birth in 2010. (Sidebar of my own: This is OuttaTouch's way of saying, "Our rivals at Star are claiming that Angie is 2 1/2 months preggers. In the unlikely event that they are correct we are adding this sidebar to our story.") "Even though Brad thinks six is enough for now, she is the one who controls the family planning," adds the friend. "She knows how to seduce him, and they're a very fertile couple." (Sidebar of my own: Yes, Angie controls the family planning...onacounta she's the one with the UTERUS! HELLO! True story - one of the profs at work told me a few months back that she asked her husband if he wanted another child. They're son is 12 or 13 and she figured she's hitting her mid-40s they better hurry up if they want more kids. Her husband, also a Ph.D., says to her, "I don't care. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO DO ALL THE WORK." Some men know the lay of the land. Case closed. Next.) But expanding the family is only a temporary fix. "A baby is not insurance," Dr. Judy Kuriansky, the author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy relationship (who does not treat the couple), tells In Touch. "Brad could end up resentful. He may stick around physically, but not emotionally." (Sidebar: X knows all about that...and they didn't even have any kids to consider.) The insider points out that it would also be unfair to her other kids: "Adding another baby is on a par with Octomom levels of insanity and selfishness." (Sidebar: Ooooh...check out OuttaTouch...low-blowing with the OctocrazazyMom analogy. Bet it took the brain trust that runs this rag a whole day to come up with that put-down. Remind me not to get into a game of the dozens with them. Wouldn't want them to insult me by calling me "that colored girl who makes fun of our magazine.")

For mags dated May 4, 2009

Sorry I’m so late this week. I was busy with work and then I got a mild case of The Lazies yesterday. The tabs were all over the place this week. Star has Brad & Angie preggers with #7 (again), OuttaTouch has Brad leaving Angie (again) and Lies & Shit has Angie and X avoiding each other in NYC. Brad, of course, got a free pass in the avoidance story. A little something for all the haters and trolls – not much for the fans (unless you want to count the fake pregnancy news).

For Briseis and all you other music lovers out there I’ve included THREE (3) sets of lyrics in the report. Your hints are: All three songs are 1960s and older. All three songs are classics and their singers are icons. Two songs are pop/top 40 tunes and one is a signature song for the artist. Anymore hints than that and I may as well tell you what the songs are.

MR. & MRS. MOM

Busy! Busy! Busy! As they prepare for baby No. 7, life with the Brangie bunch has never been more chaotic. But Brad and Angelina are taking lots of timeouts to heat up the bedroom!

by Jennifer Pearson, Heidi Parker and Casey Brennan (i.e., The usual suspects. I guess Star keeps the same "reporters" on this little fictional world of theirs so they can keep some semblance of continuity to their bullshit.)

What a difference a baby can make! With the happy news that they're expecting their seventh child, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have gone from sniping and bickering to total domestic bliss! (Sidebar: Not according to OuttaTouch...)

"Things are back to normal in the house," an insider tells Star. "Everyone is happy again - Angie is being supersweet to Brad. It's a total 180 - just two weeks ago, she was ignoring him when they passed each other in the hall. Now they're hugging and kissing every chance they get!" (Sidebar: There's been a "180" done here...but it wasn't by Brad and Angie. This must be Star's manic side because the depressive side is all into "Break Up Fever.")

As Star exclusively reported, 33-year-old Angie is expecting again but still not showing (Sidebar: "Not showing" yet, huh? I guess that explains why she was rolling around on top of a moving tanker truck on Sunday. It's okay for pregnant women who aren't showing to do their own stunts, but obviously pregnant women are barred from doing their own stunts? Alrighty then...thanks for clearing that up for me, Star.) - and Brad 45, is going overboard pampering her. (Sidebar: If this doesn't involve edible underwear and vibrating sex toys...who gives a fuck?)

WAFFLES AND COQ AU VIN (Sidebar: Pampering her with food? Food? For the woman Star claims is "scarily skinny" and never eats? The Star's manic phase rages on...)

"Angie is no cook - everybody knows that," says a source. (Sidebar: Uh, yah, cuz she's said it about 20 trillion times!) "But Brad knows his way around the kitchen, and he’s' been having fun surprising Angie with breakfast in bed. He's serving her waffles, eggs, French toast." Brad's even learned to make some of the delicious French meals Ange's mom, Marcheline, used to make for her, the source adds, such as melted Brie tarts (Sidebar: Oh yeah, that's a tough one. Buy some phyllo, cut off a chunk, throw a hunk of brie on top of it and throw it in the oven for 15 minutes at 350 degrees. Whew, wasn't that tiring? Brad prolly needs a 2-hour nap after cooking that.) and coq au vin. "Brad wants Angie to have those comfort foods," the source says. (Sidebar: Not to cause Brad any Robin Givens flashbacks...but...I wonder if Candace Trunzo knows Mike Tyson? Cuz this manic phase Star's in kind of reminds me of when Robin used to say that "Michael" had blackouts and didn't remember the things he did during them (i.e., beating the crap out of her). Cuz...I'm thinking on at least half a dozen occasions in the past the Star has claimed that Brad can't cook either. In fact...Brad has said on multiple occasions that he can't cook. He told Okra "we try" and he can do "a mean barbecue," but that's it. He could probably manage my version of the Brie Tart though...maybe...)

The kids - (Sidebar: I am NOT going to list those kids names again. If you don't know their names and ages by now, then you've been living under a rock) - have noticed the change in the air too! "Brad and Angelina haven't told them the news yet, they'll do that soon, but Maddox and Pax certainly sense something is going on," a friend tells Star. "They're seeing their parents smiling a lot." (Sidebar: If Maddox and Pax can "sense" something's going on, then they're underperforming their roles as children. I do hereby declare that I'll take Maddox's place and remain blissfully ignorant to whatever's going on between "my parents". Maddox can have my job (resident cynic or computer tech, whichever he prefers...or both if he wants. Pax's position is up for grabs, so ladies, try not to hurt each other in the scramble to put in your applications.) And the little ones are thrilled to have dad Brad look after them while mom is filming her upcoming spy thriller, Salt. (Sidebar: I'm gonna guess that Trunzo doesn't keep up with other rags' soap operas. Or maybe she does. She finds out what crap OuttaTouch is going to print this week and does a story from the opposite position. Either that or they're colluding. They wouldn't do that...would they? ATTN TROLLS: That's called a "rhetorical question", meaning no reply is expected (or wanted), so please don't post any answers in the comments section.)

"Brad has tea parties with Shi and Z (Sidebar: Golly, wonder where they got that idea? Could it be because Angie said she and Brad took Z and Shi to tea when they were in London in January?) and plays sports with Pax and Mad," says the insider. "They're practicing baseball in the huge backyard of the home they're renting in Long Island." (Sidebar: Baseball? Is this supposed to make them more palatable to the MVM - because they're playing the national pastime? More than likely they're playing soccer in Long Island, just like they did in France when the ratzi got pix of them playing in their front yard, just like they did in Prague when the ratzi got pix of them at a local park. The Jolie-Pitt family game is soccer, Star. Try to remember this.)

But what's making Brad and Angie happiest of all is the renewed sizzle in their relationship. "They're back to taking nightly baths together," says the insider. "He's giving Angie back rubs and massaging her feet - he's completely doting on her." (Sidebar: I’m sure Brad is "rubbing" and "massaging" certain parts of Angie's body, but I doubt it's her back and her feet...although...reflexologists do say that the soles of the feet are one of the most erogenous zones on the body. Hey Ange...how about letting me borrow Brad for a few days so I can test their theory out? Oh shit! What was that? Did Z just give me her patented Beatdown A Ratzi Bitch Side-eye? Cuz the hair on the back of my neck is singed.)

Brad and Angie have always been super-attracted to each other, but now, "things are at a whole new level," the insider adds. "Their sex life is always amazing when Angie's pregnant. The love is back - and so is the lust!" (Sidebar: I guess this means Angie won't be loaning Brad to me so I can test out that foot massage theory. Selfish bitch.)


Photo captions -

- Pic of Brad with Z and Shi in DC -

DADDY'S GIRLS: Brad loves to have tea parties with daughters Shiloh and Zahara and an insider tells Star he even bought a special table and chairs to sit at when they play. (Sidebar: GMAFB STAR! Like they're going to lug around a special tea table and chairs as much as they travel!)

- Pic of Angie with Mad & Pax in NO at MIR dedication

MAMA'S BOYS: "Angie sits in the yard and watches Pax and Maddox play catch with Brad," says an insider. "It makes her smile seeing how happy they all are." (Sidebar: Awwwww...a warm and fuzzy, heart-tugging moment from Star. If I didn't know they made that up I'd have a tears in my eyes.)


SIDEBAR: BRAD'S PRE-PUSH PRESENTS

Just after getting the happy baby news, Brad took a quick trip to France - and returned bearing more than $150,000 worth of gifts for Angie! The first item he bought was a $1,400 antique wood rocking chair (Sidebar of my own: Only $1,400? Cheapskate.) for the baby's nursery. Thoughtful Brad also had "a pricey collection of books by Proust shipped to the Long Island home, since Angie loves reading, especially when she's pregnant," and insider tells Star. (Sidebar: Soooo...now the Star is claiming Brad went all the way to France for some moldy, old books by a French author whose name in unpronounceable by the American masses? You can't get Proust's books in the U.S.? My local B&N carries them. I'm sure there must be a few in NYC that carry them, too.) But Brad's most spectacular love token was a Cartier ring that set him back $80,000! (Sidebar: "Set him back"? Shit. Brad probably has 80 grand worth of newsboy caps! A $80K ring is nothing to him. $80K for rich people is the regular people equivalent of paying $9.99 for one of those cheesy ass half-faux-silver/half -colored-glass "cocktail" rings at JCPenney. If I were Angie, I'd be offended and give it back while telling him, "I'm spitting out YOUR FOURTH CHILD IN 3 YEARS AND ALL YOU SPENT WAS $80K? Somebody's gonna be sleeping alone for the duration of this pregnancy if I don't see some serious rocks in the next 60 minutes!") "It's his way of telling her how thrilled he is about the baby news and putting all the fighting behind them," says the insider. Back in the states, Brad personally designed a pair of diamond and platinum earrings especially for Angie at Asprey in NYC. "They have a leaflike motif," says a source. "Brad didn't care what the price was, and he didn't bat an eye when he found out it was close to $40,000!" (Sidebar: Puh-leeze. The Star needs to take that exclamation mark off that last sentence. For Brad $40K is nothing for custom made jewelry. That amount doesn't even register to people worth a couple hundred million. Methinks the reason the reporter is gawking at that figure is because someone who wrote this story's annual salary is LESS than that amount.)

ANGELINA AND JEN AVOID EACH OTHER IN NEW YORK

When Life & Style caught up with Jennifer Aniston in NYC on April 14, (Sidebar: Read - "When Stephen Huvane called our reporter,") the actress hardly looked like someone who was enjoying her stay in the city. Asked how she was doing, a grim-faced Jen simply responded, "I'm hanging in there." (Sidebar: "Hanging." Now there's a word I'd like to see associated with X in a KKK did of way. They hate Greeks, too, don't they? I can see it now...Pastoral scene of the gallant south, the bulging eyes and the twisted mouth. Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh, then the sudden smell of burning flesh...)

Jen, 40, has always loved NYC, soaking up the shopping and dining at the trendiest spots whenever she's in town. (Sidebar: I think that's more like, "...soaking up rays in a tanning bed in her hotel's spa.") But during this stay, which began in late March, she's kept a remarkably low profile. (Sidebar: Pffft. If Lies & Shit wants to see X every damned day, then tell 'em to come on over to Jared's. He's got pix of everything she's done in NYC for the last 5 weeks except her most recent coke binge.) When she's not on set filming her new romantic comedy, The Baster, she's been holed up in her room at the Greenwich Hotel in Tribeca, ordering room service for most meals. (Sidebar: Holed up in her room. Exactly. That's WHY Jared doesn't have pix of her most recent coke binge. Funny, ain't it, how the ratzi never get invited to those?)

Why the sudden shut-in behavior? (Sidebar: Anyone who's ever been to a casino knows not to question why the slot machine is suddenly paying out. In other words, just be glad for the days you don't have to see pix of X's "I'm still young, fresh, hip and cool"-a-thon.) Jen's nemesis, Angelina Jolie, is also shooting a movie - the spy thriller Salt - in and around NYC, (Sidebar: Angie's X's "nemesis"? Let's see... X's ex-husband CHOSE a life of traveling, humanitarian work, lots of kids and a renewed connection with his family in Missouri with Angie over a life of tanning, smoking, toking, not seeing his family and vegging on the sofa with X. That makes Angie X's superior, not her nemesis.) and an insider close to Jen believes she's being extremely careful to avoid bumping into Angie. "Instead of going out to restaurants where she might run into Angelina, Jennifer is entertaining guests in her hotel suite." (Sidebar: "Entertaining guests" is L&Sese for "After John Mayer dumped Jen her needy rep preceded her and now she can't get laid so she asked the concierge to send over some hookers.")

WHY JEN'S SCARED (Sidebar: Easy-peasy - cuz she's an anal retentive mass of neuroses.)

When Jen presented an award at the Oscars in February, with her ex Brad Pitt and Angelina sitting in the front row, she seemed to be sending a message that she was finally ready to come face-to-face with them. (Sidebar: Thankfully they didn't say X was on "even ground" with them because she was only there as a presenter because the producers were using a "Brangie vs. Jen" showdown to drum up viewers. That and all the A-list movie stars turned down the offer to present and the producers were stuck with B-listers and tweeners.) But she avoided an actual meeting, and she seems scared to have one now. (Sidebar: Mainly because she doesn't have a fake date to hide behind anymore. She knows that Brad & Angie know what she was up to that night. Bitch is just afraid they'll laugh in her face UP CLOSE as opposed to them laughing at her from 20 feet away.)

Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt (arf, arf, arf!) in her wounds. "Jen hasn't shown any interest in going out and hitting the clubs," (Sidebar: And that's unusual?) says the insider. "She's on her own, with the occasional visit from her manager or girlfriends. (Sidebar: Girlfriends = hookers.) The bottom line is she's pretty lonely." (Sidebar: Again...how is that unusual?)

For her part, Angelina, 33, has barely been seen off set since she began shooting Salt in March. (Sidebar: Ummmm...that's probably because she has a husband and 6 kids who need her attention.) While Brad spent some time in France, Angie's brother James Haven stayed with her to help take care of the kids, an insider close to Angie says. But Angelina didn't use her bachelorette time to hit her favorite bars. (Sidebar: First of all, when has Angie been ever been a barfly? And secondly, she has 6 kids, morons. She's with her family when she's not working. If she were out bar hopping, then she'd never hear the end of, "Why isn't she with her kids and Brad?" Actually...WE would hear that from the trolls. Angie couldn't care less what the detractors are saying about her.)

"She's not afraid of Jennifer," the Angie insider says. (Sidebar: ROTFLMAO. That's the understatement of the century.) But running into Brad's ex would be very awkward, "and she refuses to even acknowledge that Jen might be right down the block." (Sidebar: I'm sure it's more like one of the ratzi yelled at Angie, "Hey Angie, did you know Jen's staying just a block from here?" And Angie ignored him and kept walking.)

SIDEBAR: ANGIE ONLY GOES PLACES JEN WON'T

Pic of B/A/Z/S exiting the grocery store (Sidebar of my own...somewhere they'd NEVER run into X...cuz we all know X doesn't eat unless is her Friend's salad and someone has to deliver that to her house. Oh wait...she did say she baked a cake for a party for Obama's presidential victory. BBBBWWWWHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!)

Stop & Shop - Angie's barely ventured out in NYC at all. But on April 18, she went out with Brad, Zahara and Shiloh - to a Stop & Shop on Long Island where there was no risk of running into Jen! They spent nearly $200 on groceries including fried chicken and pretzels the store's floral director Katherine Pastore tells Life & Style, adding, "Brad paid cash." (Sidebar: Sad ain't it when you can't even buy chicken and pretzels without it being in a national magazine. I'm sure Tampax, Playtex, Kotex and O.B. were sorry Angie didn't need any tampons. I can just see the lunatic-fringe fans like OctoCrazazyMom swearing off their regular brand because they heard Angie uses a different product.)


SIDEBAR CONTINUED: ...WHILE JEN GIVES UP HER NYC HABITS

Pic of X wearing a too-tight gray dress and clutching a bag that says "Nobu".

The caption reads - "Jen loves Nobu but hasn't popped in during the trip. "We hope Jen finds time to come by," says a Nobu staffer." (Sidebar of my own: She hasn't been to Nobu because she's afraid of running into The Urinator not Angie. The Urinator is known to eat at that particular Nobu sometimes 3 times a week when he's in NYC. Hell...he even took X there one night.)

Photo of X from summer 2008 after the Urinator dumped her - (Sidebar of my own: It's the ones where she was wearing that fug gray knit tube top. 40 years old, sorry, 39 at the time, and wearing a tube top. She must have been taking fashion advice some of her trailer park dwelling relatives. A freaking tube top. She's one white bikini and a pair of 38 double D implants, 2 kids and an ex-hubby who still speaks to her away from being Pamela Anderson, Jr.)

The caption reads - "Jen's a fan of NYC museums, but this time around she steers clear of them." (Sidebar of my own: The only reason X went to a museum last year after The Urinator dumped her is because apparently he used to mock her about her lack of culture and asked her, "Have you ever even been to a museum?" So the word at the time was after he dumped her X deliberately went to NYC and invaded his territory - she went to the Nobu he always goes to - and then called a pack of ratzi and made sure they snapped her going into the Metropolitan Museum. Shit...I think I may have read that on Terd's, Lamey's or Marc Malkin's page! So never mind...knowing those 3 they pulled it out of their ass. However...in all the years I've been making fun of X...I have NEVER seen anything to remotely indicate she knows a Picasso from a Rembrandt...and Lord knows she sure hated all the modern art stuff that Brad liked...even though she liked while they were dating and told she did...and then decorated their BH house in Laura Ashley and chintz shit while he was in Malta shooting Troy...)

(As you guys read this OuttaTouch story...see how many JJ Troll-isms you can spot...I lost count at about 842...)


Brad Tells Angelina: I CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU ANYMORE

Tired of Angelina Jolie's selfish behavior, Brad Pitt moves out

Angelina Jolie is normally very calm, cool and collected when she's filming a movie. But lately, on the New York set of her next thriller, Salt, onlookers say she's not her usual strong, sexy self. "She's been tearful," a behind-the-scenes source tells in Touch. (Sidebar: I guess OuttaTouch source hasn't heard about the Star-pregnancy yet. Don't pregnant women get weepy for no reason? Hell, for that matter maybe Angie had PMS!) "She looks really sad and distant. That's so not Angie. She hardly ever cries. Everyone's worried about her." (Sidebar: It's obvs to me that Angie was crying being she's sad that her mother won't get to me the new baby from Star's fake pregnancy.)

There's a good reason why Angelina is so distraught. (Sidebar: This story?) Just before Easter, she got into a big argument with her partner, Brad Pitt, and he stormed out of their rented mansion on Long Island, NY. "He told her very clearly that he just can't live with her anymore," a friend tells In Touch. "He said it was over. He was like, 'I'm outta here,' and left." (Sidebar: Oh. THAT reason. DJ's reason. My bad.)

On April 9, Brad flew to their $70 million estate, Chateau Miraval, in France, and packed his belongings. "He said he was there to check on the renovations," a local tells In Touch. "But he was really picking out his personal items and pieces of art he wanted removed from the property." (Sidebar: Dear DJ, please notice that this story DOES NOT say that the owner of Chateau Miraval said Brad was removing his things from the house. This story quotes an unnamed "local". Local to what they don't say. Never make assumptions. They never said this person was in France. For all we know he could "local" to NJ, where, unsurprisingly, OuttaTouch has offices. In fact he could have a desk that's "local" to the person who wrote this story.)

Instead of returning to the U.S. to be with Angie and their six kids for Easter, Brad stayed in Europe for more than a week. "He couldn't deal with the madness," a family friend explains. "He was at his breaking point. He needed space." (Sidebar: On behalf of Brad, I'm offended that OuttaTouch is saying that he'd rather be alone in France than be with his beautiful children on a MAJOR holiday like Easter. Even if you're not religious, Easter is a great time for kids and families to have fun and play games and do artsy shit to hard-boiled eggs that have more sense than OuttaTouch.)

While Brad called to check in on their children - (Sidebar: You know the drill - names and ages) - he couldn't talk to Angelina without getting into another fight. A confidante explains, "He's tired of all this. It never stops. Like always, Angelina only sees her side of it. Brad thinks she is so self-serving." (Sidebar: Confidante = "inside source" = We made this shit up. If Brad had a "confidante" who ratted him out to a tabloid, that person would no longer be a confidante. Yet every week one of these rags cite and "insider," "pal," or "family friend" who's selling B/A's business to the tabloids. Only a complete moron would continue confiding in people around him when there are constant leaks. In other words - I call bullshit on OuttaTouch.)

Angelina thought Brad would "cool off" and come back, an insider says, but when he refused, she had to plead with him to return home - and even used Maddox to make him feel guilty about being away from the family. "He got a call on his cell from Maddox, begging him to come home and look after Mommy because she is sad," the friend adds. (Sidebar: See, this is where the tabloids make a major mistake - dragging children (and elderly people) into their tall tales. When they go this low and start lying about things kids supposedly said and did most human beings' brains will shut down because they see children being exploited. My brain instantly says, "Yeah, right!" and "Leave the kids out of it, assholes!")

Brad finally booked a flight back to New York over the weekend of April 18. A rep for the couple denies any trouble. (Sidebar: Oooh...this week they've included a denial from a rep. They haven't been bothering to do that, so I guess this means they received a letter from Brad's lawyers again. Next time the lawyers write to them - could y'all remember to tell them to stop lying about the children and Brad's parents? These damned tabloids are like cockroaches scattering when the lights come on. See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.)

BRAD'S FED UP (Sidebar: Not as much as I'm fed up with this story...and it ain't even over yet...)
As In Touch has reported, it's not the first time Brad, 45, and Angelina, 33, have separated in anger. (Sidebar: No, it's the 3 trillionth, but who's counting.) But it is the first time that Brad has stayed away for an extended period of time. "They've gone a day or two," says a source, "but never for more." Brad's friend says this latest fight may be the final straw: "There's no fun left in the relationship. All they do is scream and shout about taking care of the kids. Brad wanted her to stop working and live in one place and be a stay-at-home mom. Instead, he feels like a single dad. He's exhausted." (Sidebar: Ummm...should I get out my handy-dandy quote again? Yeah...I think so...

1. How Brad REALLY feels about Angie going back to work on Salt -

http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/entertainment/entertainment/view/20081011-165802/Angelina-Brad-Hard-to-find-quiet-time

Are you planning to return to work?

"I’m looking at something at the end of February, but there was a big discussion in the house—should I go back to work at all? It would have been over a year since I last worked. But, he was just wonderfully supportive and said, 'We’re here, and we’re great. The babies will be sitting up and hanging out in your trailer. It’s going to be all right. The kids are at school, and they will come visit.' We’re trying to balance it all."

2. How ANGIE really feels about going back to work -

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/movies/19harr.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3&ref=arts

After that, she said, she’ll stay home for another full year, and she expects acting to play a diminishing role in her life as time goes by. For the past several months, since the twins were born, the older kids have been home-schooled, “and they’ve had Mommy and Daddy every day for every meal, and they’ve been very close to us.” It’s not a routine she’s eager to disrupt. Deciding to take a job is “really hard,” she said. “Who’s in school at that time? How can I be sure I don’t do too many long hours? Can the three youngest be on the set every day?”

3. What Brad REALLY thinks about his large family

http://www.latimes.com/en…2008dec26,0,4238161.story (this link may be broken...I'm too lazy to go find the one that works...)

"I had a whole other life and I got to experience a lot. And I probably got away with more than I should," he says. "And it kind of ran its course, you know, it kind of hit a dead end." Fatherhood, he notes, is "the direction I always thought I would go in. But not until, with Angie and it felt like a natural evolution, a natural direction."

The prosecution now rests it's case.)

He is trying to remain "stoic," but may eventually cave in to Angelina. "Brad can't live with her, but he can't live without her," says the friend. (Sidebar: How convenient. Brad decided to go back...and OuttaTouch lives to lie another day.) "If it wasn't for their six children, odds are they wouldn't still be together." (Sidebar: That's a Faniston's - and a few trolls - wet dream, ain't it? Even if Brad left Angie tomorrow...X would still be alone. He wouldn't go running back to X. Oh well, let them have their delusions...if for no other reason than because it cracks my ass up.)

Dr. Gilda Carle, author of the e-book 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, believes that breaking up is hard to do, especially with kids involved, (Sidebar: OuttaTouch needed a shrink to tell them this? Their collective IQ must be 19.) and that Brad and Angelina will likely go back and forth several times before they permanently split. (Sidebar: In other words, "We'll be doing these break-up stories 9 times a year for the next 50 years or until one of them dies, a bigger sustainable cash cow comes along or until this magazine finally folds - whichever comes first.") "It's a porcupine dance," Dr. Gilda, who doesn't work with the family, tells In Touch. "They'll separate and reunite until the quills prick them again. It'll go on until someone says, "I've had enough. Goodbye forever." (Sidebar: Anyone out there having relationship problems? If so - stay the fuck away from Dr. Obvious and her lame-ass analogies. "Porcupine dance"? Does that look anything like the Macarena?)

For now, Brad and Angelina are still both scheduled to attend the Cannes International Film Festival in May, (Sidebar: Read that DJ? Your bosses say Angie's going to be in Cannes. Guess you didn't get that e-mail, huh?) where he's promoting his movie Inglourious Basterds, and Angelina hopes they'll spend the summer at Chateau Miraval. (Sidebar: Ruh roh...someone at OuttaTouch didn't do their homework and doesn't know Brad will be filming "Moneyball" this summer. If they go to Miraval, it won't be for the whole summer.) "No matter what happens, they always want the kids to go there every year," an insider reveals. (Sidebar: "Every year" = "for as long as they're leasing it." Because the owner said they signed a 3-year lease.)

But Brad isn't sure they'll make it that long. "There's a part of him that always knew they may not last forever," the close friend admits. "Brad adores his kids, but he's tired of the drama." (Sidebar: Hey, at least he got kids out of this "drama". With X he had all the drama and nothing to show for it. Not even an egg roll or Norman's pawnail clippings.)


PHOTOS with stupid CAPTIONS -

- Picture of Brad in France a few weeks back

Caption - BRAD NEEDED SPACE

On April 9, witnesses spied Brad alone at the Marseille airport in France, "He was tired of Angelina's drama," his friend tells In Touch. (Sidebar: Actually...Brad was just fucking with the tabloids. He really went to France for 2 days because he wanted to see what yarn the tabloids would spin. Wasn't that nice of him to provide OuttaTouch with enough storyline to get them to Cannes in mid-May?)

- Picture of Angie - looks like one from their trip to NO for the MIR 1st home dedication -

CAPTION - SHE WAS HOME ALONE (Sidebar: That makes it sounds like they adopted Macauley Culkin - minus Michael Jackson.)

After Brad left her for Chateau Miraval, Angelina looked after their 7 kids at their mansion on Long Island, "It's her turn to be a parent," Brad's friend says. (Sidebar: It's Angie's "turn to be a parent"? Whuh? Did you guys hear that Dr. Stephen Hawking is seriously ill? That's a real shame...because he retired from Cambridge recently and I was thinking now that he has some free time on his hands - Here's a man who can explain the origins of the universe, meld Einstein's theory of relativity with quantum physics to explain quarks, black holes and the likelihood of other dimensions in terms normal people can understand, then he MIGHT be able to explain to OuttaTouch that - a) Angie was preggers and had 4 kids to take care of while Brad shot Tree of Life for 6 weeks in late-Feb/March 2008; and b) she then had 4 very active kids over the age of 2 and 2 4-month-old infants to take care of while Brad shot Inglourious Basterds off-and-on for 3 months in late 2008 and early 2009. Therefore, Angie's 18 weeks of watching the 4, then 6, kids by herself, without OuttaTouch claiming she was complaining because Brad was shirking his fatherly duties by working on his movie, trumps Brad's 6 weeks of child-watching by 2/3. That is, of course, assuming Dr. Hawking can get the Mensa members at OuttaTouch to understand addition, subtraction and fractions.)



SIDEBAR: THEY'VE BEEN HAVING RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE FOR MORE THAN A YEAR (Sidebar of my own: Uh...'scuse me for pointing this out, OuttaTouch, but y'all have been saying they've had relationship problems since...well...since they became a couple in mid-2005. that's slightly longer than "a year.")

1. Too Much chaos - pic of B/A/M/P/Z going to a theater in NO

As In Touch has reported, Brad started feeling overwhelmed with having to take care of so many children around December 2007. (Sidebar of my own: If that's the case then he shouldn't have been spent all of November 2007 in Angie's trailer on the Changeling set making her eyes roll back in her head...and then she wouldn't have been PREGNANT AGAIN by December 2007 and Brad wouldn't have been "feeling overwhelmed". Fucking morons.)

2. She was Emotional - pic of a very pregnant Angie with Brad at the Cannes premiere of Changeling

Angie's pregnancy was so stressful, he drank alone at the bar at the Cannes film festival in May 2008. (Sidebar of my own: Is there only 1 bar in Cannes? Which bar was it, OuttaTouch? And who, other than Assley and DJ, saw him? cuz...they were staying in Paul Allen's villa, which isn't in Cannes and only went into Cannes for Angie's doctor appointments and the film festival. OuttaTouch would have been more believable to say that Brad was drinking at some club with Bono and The Edge, who he spent a lot of time hanging out with last summer. Pardon me for giving them ideas, but if they're going to lie, could they at least be half-way believable?)

3. He took off before - pic of Brad in Berlin, looks like one where he was exiting the restaurant after Tarantino's first cast/crew get-together.

After a fight last September, Brad left on his motorcycle and attended an event with an Angelina look-alike. (Sidebar of my own: No, they don't show a picture of this supposed Angie look-alike. They don't even have a picture of Brad on a motorcycle. This is the first I've heard of this Angelina look-alike crap. Guess I better e-mail OuttaTouch and tell 'em Assley was slacking that week. I'd do it...except...I doubt they'll fire her. I mean, you know...it's not often you find someone willing to work for $1.50 an hour and all the Cheesy Spam and Tofu Noodle casserole they can eat.)

4. He drinks too much - pic of Brad & Angie in Germany getting into a car after an night out with the IB cast...

Angelina was annoyed with Brad's drinking. In January he snuck a beer out of a restaurant. (Sidebar: My recollection is that the bar owner said Brad didn't even realize he had the beer in his pocket. However, good old Assley said at the time that Brad was sneaking a beer. Wonder where OuttaTouch got this idea...THREE MONTHS LATER.)

5. Jennifer Interferes - pic of Brad & Angie at the Oscars

They looked unhappy at the Oscars in February when they saw his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, for the first time. (Sidebar of my own: This was one of the few pix from the Oscars commercial breaks where Brad and Angie didn't look completely relaxed and happy. Brad's hand is reaching out toward Angie and to me it looks like he's saying, "Baby...they're about to give out the documentary awards. Let's go have a quickie behind that huge potted palm tree in the lobby. I know OuttaTouch has a reporter masquerading as a bartender out there, so I'll be sure to yell out Jen's name when I come so the tabloids will have something to right about next week." The look on Angie's face? "Alright baby, whatever you want...but only if I can call you Billy Bob and scream, 'That's right, bitch! Suck my blood!'") (PS - Just kidding Mr. IUC! Wouldn't want that little scenario to turn up on your site next week as more inside info from "Toni"...)


SIDEBAR: WILL THE KIDS KEEP THEM TOGEHTER?

Pic of B/A/Z/S at the Stop-and-Shop.

The Captions reads - "The children are upset: Brad and Angie try to hide their issues from the kids, but a source says the pair know there are problems." (Sidebar of my own: Uh...pardon me for interjecting a little logic into the proceedings...but...if Brad and Angie are the ones having problems, then it stands to reason that "the pair know there are problems." See where I'm going with this OuttaTouch? Redundancy is an ongoing problem with this rag. Guess the editor just doesn’t get paid enough to give a shit.)

Also, there's a cut-out circle with a pic of Z sucking her thumb and they've drawn a white arrow to point it out and beside the arrow it says, "Zahara looks so sad!" (Sidebar of my own: No. Zahara didn't look sad. Zahara looked tired and at the earliest opportunity proceeded to take a nap on daddy's shoulder...cuz that's what daddies are for...unless you work at IUC. My brain just barfed a little trying to imagine what pederast perversion those sick fuckers would turn my comment into.)

For the first time since February 22, Brad and Angelina were seen together publicly. (Sidebar of my own: Aside from the fact that OuttaTouch means "photographed together" and NOT "seen together," the actual date they were last snapped together was Feb 25, outside the theater where they saw The Little Merman, NOT The Lion King as OuttaTouch reported last week. Now you know why I call them "OuttaTouch". Dumb fuckers can't even see the shit that's right under their noses.) On April 18, the couple were spotted grocery shopping with Zahara and Shiloh at the Stop & Shop supermarket on Long Island. Even though their relationship is tense, they are trying to make it work for the sake of their children. (Sidebar of my own: "...and our continued existence as a weekly publication.") "Brad's love for the kids is never going to change," an insider says. "No matter where things to with Angelina, he's always going to be their daddy." (Sidebar of my own: Duh. Kinda like OuttaTouch will always been lowlife, bottom-feeding scumbags.)


SIDEBAR: THEY ALWAYS PUT ON A SHOW FOR THE CAMERA
(Sidebar of my own: OuttaTouch is going for the old misdirection strategy - Don't believe your eyes, believe our story! They could should have called this section, "Yeah, they look all happy and cuddly and shit...but...they fakin' it, y'all!)

Behind the scenes, Brad and Angelina are having serious problems. But you'd never know it, considering how loving and affectionate they are when they appear at red carpet events together all over the world. "Sure, they look happy in photos," a family friend tells In Touch. "They are actors and can turn it on for the cameras most of the time." (Sidebar of my own: Sooooooo...Brad and Angie are faking their affection for one another in public...but...X and The Urinator - especially at the Oscars - were profoundly and undyingly in love. Yet those loved-up kids parted ways before Angie and Brad. Hmmmm...) But as they've added kids to the family, their problems have gradually gotten worse. And they're increasingly having a harder time always putting on a happy face in public. "The cracks in their relationship are getting deeper and deeper," says the family friend. An insider agrees and claims the chemistry has fizzled: "Their relationship has changed. They're both bored with each other." (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, they're so bored with one another that Janice Min at US magazine can't be bothered to investigate and report on their alleged problems. Min LIVES to make Angie look bad. They're so bored with one another that 2 weeks ago even the Star magazine finally gave up on their first quarter "It's ALMOST over" story.)

1. They're Hands-on - pic of B/A at the Tokyo CCOBB premiere with Angie's arms wrapped around Brad's waist

Angie hung on to Brad at the Japanese premiere of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on January 29. (Sidebar of my own: Brad & Angie "acted" so well at the premiere that Japan was the #1 foreign market for CCOBB with over $25 million in box office receipts. Par & WB both want to sincerely thank our intrepid duo for "acting like they're still together.)


2. They're all smiles - pic of B/A at the Berlin CCOBB premiere

At the Berlin premiere of Benjamin Button on January 13, her laugh seemed forced and phony. (Sidebar of my own: This is a cut-and-paste quote from their story on the Oscars...cuz they used EXACTLY the same phrase about the picture of Angie laughing while X and Jack Black were on stage. But...you're not supposed to remember that...If I weren't the Queen of Trivial Shit Nobody Else Gives A Fuck About I wouldn't remember it either. Needless to say - Angie was radiant in Berlin, despite the fug Akris pantsuit.)

3. They try to be romantic - pic of B/A at the GG ceremony - it's one taken during a break and Angie's got her arm around Brad with her hands crossed behind his shoulders.

They struck a classic Hollywood pose at the Golden Globes on January 11. (Sidebar of my own: If it's so "classic" then how does OuttaTouch know that others who "struck" the pose in the past weren't "acting," too?)

4. They're a united front - pic of B/A at the SAG ceremony waving to the crowd

Brad and Angelina seemed connected when they held hands and waved to the crowd at the SAG awards on January 23. (Sidebar of my own: In other words - "Ha, ha, ha. We kid. We kid! Things are just hunky dory between them but we got a magazine to sell and we have no morals so everyone in their lives, from infants to senior citizens, is fair game!")


SIDEBAR: NOW THEIR FAMILIES ARE FIGHTING, TOO

(Sidebar of my own: This is easily one of the lowest blows OuttaTouch has ever made. Is there no line these losers won't cross to make a buck? This fuckery will never end, will it? Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

In the left-hand corner of the ring - weighing in at "None of your dad gummed business!" and "A gentleman should never ask a lady two things - her age and her weight."...fresh from the back woods and corn fields of southern Missouri, each carrying their own leather-embossed, large print edition of the King James Bible & Parables for Today's Gossip-Mongering Tabloids - let's hear a thunderous round of applause for our reigning champs - sponsored by AARP, Polident, Depends and Geritol, ladies and gents I give you - Mr. & Mrs. William Pitt, aka, Bill and Jane or "Papa" and "Grammy"! Woo-hoo! Go Grammy! Go Papa!

And now, ladies and gents, in the right-hand corner of the ring, let me introduce our challenger - weighing in at "It used to a hell of a lot less before I gave up running." and hailing from the land of sun-baked faux bleached blondes who routinely deny their Greek heritage, coked-up clubs and douchebaggery galore, otherwise known as Los Angeles, Cal-ee-for-nee-uh, standing too damned tall and putting a crick in my neck, we have the unemployed "actor", moocher sibling of our heroine. We're not entirely sure what it is he does with all his time, but we've heard rumors it might be something shifty called "charity work". Let's have a slightly less enthusiastic welcome for Mr. James Haven, or "Uncle Jamie" or "Jon Voight's other acknowledge kid - the one that's not famous! We're also inserting a disclaimer of Mr. Haven being Mr. Voight's only other child have because certain rumors say a certain goddaughter may actually be just be a plain old "god"-less "daughter.) Go Jamie, go Jamie, go Jamie!)

- Really old pic of Bill & Jane walking down the street somewhere...I have no idea where this was taken, but it's at least 7-8 years old

The caption reads - JANE'S WORRIED - "When she talks to Brad, he's increasingly pessimistic," her friend says. "It tears her up." (Sidebar of my own: Not as badly as it must "tear her up" to constantly hear that she's been thrust into these ridiculous tabloid stories. LEAVE THE SENIOR CITIZENS ALONE, OUTTATOUCH! Don't make me sic AARP on your asses!)

- Picture of James wearing...OMFG...I bet Brad gave him this shit for X-mas...A NEWSBOY HAT! Angie REALLY needs to break Brad of his addiction. First Knox...not Jamie...There's got to be a 12-step program for that shit somewhere. There's a 12-step program for EVERYTHING...

The caption reads - JAMES GETS IN THE WAY - "He's the only man who's never let her down," says a source about Angelina's brother, James. (Sidebar of my own: No, OuttaTouch doesn't explain how Brad has "let her down"...but I'm sure Assleytroll, Tres Jolie, DJ, Bet and their many alters will be more than happy to pick up OuttaTouch's gauntlet.)

Brad's mother, Jane, has never been a huge fan of Angelina's (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, that's why she gushed about Angie and hung all over her at the LA CCOBB premiere...cuz she's pining for X.) - and now she's angry at her for making Brad upset. (Sidebar of my own: Oh brother...let’ see if I have this straight...a senior citizen is mad because middle-aged son was upset by his 30-something girlfriend? Just when I'd hoped to retire Bo and Hope...) "Jane wants him to be happy, but it's painfully obvious he's not," her friend says. "She can tell by the look on his face and the sound of his voice. She's reminded him that he was never this miserable with Jen." (Sidebar of my own: Uh...how would his mother know? She only saw him a couple of times a year when he was with X! And did OuttaTouch forget about the sidebar they just did? "They're actors..." so they "acted" when Brad's 'rents were around. Didn't Grandma Betty say they had no inkling there was trouble in the marriage when Brad dumped X? Uh, yah, she did. CLUE! That means Brad wasn't running home to Mommy every time X pulled some stunt on him. He didn't then. He didn't with Putrid and he sure as hell wouldn't now with Angie. It's called being an ADULT!) Brad is also annoyed with Angelina's brother, James Haven, who often helps care for the kids. "James is rude and manipulative," another source reveals. "Brad is sick of it." (Sidebar of my own: Yeah...that's why James is wearing that damned newsboy hat...cuz Brad's sick of him. Listen - even if Brad didn't give Jamie that hat...only a friend would buy/wear a similar hat. If James and Brad didn't get along James would be MOCKING the hats...not wearing one just like it. OuttaTouch has turned this story into a game of limbo - how low can they go? I guess they don't know that Jamie is a born-again Christian...just like Brad's brother, Doug. Does that mean Doug's "rude and manipulative," too? And dollars to donuts - Doug's got one of those damned newsboy caps, too!)