Friday, May 1, 2009

For mags dated May 4, 2009

Sorry I’m so late this week. I was busy with work and then I got a mild case of The Lazies yesterday. The tabs were all over the place this week. Star has Brad & Angie preggers with #7 (again), OuttaTouch has Brad leaving Angie (again) and Lies & Shit has Angie and X avoiding each other in NYC. Brad, of course, got a free pass in the avoidance story. A little something for all the haters and trolls – not much for the fans (unless you want to count the fake pregnancy news).

For Briseis and all you other music lovers out there I’ve included THREE (3) sets of lyrics in the report. Your hints are: All three songs are 1960s and older. All three songs are classics and their singers are icons. Two songs are pop/top 40 tunes and one is a signature song for the artist. Anymore hints than that and I may as well tell you what the songs are.


Busy! Busy! Busy! As they prepare for baby No. 7, life with the Brangie bunch has never been more chaotic. But Brad and Angelina are taking lots of timeouts to heat up the bedroom!

by Jennifer Pearson, Heidi Parker and Casey Brennan (i.e., The usual suspects. I guess Star keeps the same "reporters" on this little fictional world of theirs so they can keep some semblance of continuity to their bullshit.)

What a difference a baby can make! With the happy news that they're expecting their seventh child, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have gone from sniping and bickering to total domestic bliss! (Sidebar: Not according to OuttaTouch...)

"Things are back to normal in the house," an insider tells Star. "Everyone is happy again - Angie is being supersweet to Brad. It's a total 180 - just two weeks ago, she was ignoring him when they passed each other in the hall. Now they're hugging and kissing every chance they get!" (Sidebar: There's been a "180" done here...but it wasn't by Brad and Angie. This must be Star's manic side because the depressive side is all into "Break Up Fever.")

As Star exclusively reported, 33-year-old Angie is expecting again but still not showing (Sidebar: "Not showing" yet, huh? I guess that explains why she was rolling around on top of a moving tanker truck on Sunday. It's okay for pregnant women who aren't showing to do their own stunts, but obviously pregnant women are barred from doing their own stunts? Alrighty then...thanks for clearing that up for me, Star.) - and Brad 45, is going overboard pampering her. (Sidebar: If this doesn't involve edible underwear and vibrating sex toys...who gives a fuck?)

WAFFLES AND COQ AU VIN (Sidebar: Pampering her with food? Food? For the woman Star claims is "scarily skinny" and never eats? The Star's manic phase rages on...)

"Angie is no cook - everybody knows that," says a source. (Sidebar: Uh, yah, cuz she's said it about 20 trillion times!) "But Brad knows his way around the kitchen, and he’s' been having fun surprising Angie with breakfast in bed. He's serving her waffles, eggs, French toast." Brad's even learned to make some of the delicious French meals Ange's mom, Marcheline, used to make for her, the source adds, such as melted Brie tarts (Sidebar: Oh yeah, that's a tough one. Buy some phyllo, cut off a chunk, throw a hunk of brie on top of it and throw it in the oven for 15 minutes at 350 degrees. Whew, wasn't that tiring? Brad prolly needs a 2-hour nap after cooking that.) and coq au vin. "Brad wants Angie to have those comfort foods," the source says. (Sidebar: Not to cause Brad any Robin Givens flashbacks...but...I wonder if Candace Trunzo knows Mike Tyson? Cuz this manic phase Star's in kind of reminds me of when Robin used to say that "Michael" had blackouts and didn't remember the things he did during them (i.e., beating the crap out of her). Cuz...I'm thinking on at least half a dozen occasions in the past the Star has claimed that Brad can't cook either. In fact...Brad has said on multiple occasions that he can't cook. He told Okra "we try" and he can do "a mean barbecue," but that's it. He could probably manage my version of the Brie Tart though...maybe...)

The kids - (Sidebar: I am NOT going to list those kids names again. If you don't know their names and ages by now, then you've been living under a rock) - have noticed the change in the air too! "Brad and Angelina haven't told them the news yet, they'll do that soon, but Maddox and Pax certainly sense something is going on," a friend tells Star. "They're seeing their parents smiling a lot." (Sidebar: If Maddox and Pax can "sense" something's going on, then they're underperforming their roles as children. I do hereby declare that I'll take Maddox's place and remain blissfully ignorant to whatever's going on between "my parents". Maddox can have my job (resident cynic or computer tech, whichever he prefers...or both if he wants. Pax's position is up for grabs, so ladies, try not to hurt each other in the scramble to put in your applications.) And the little ones are thrilled to have dad Brad look after them while mom is filming her upcoming spy thriller, Salt. (Sidebar: I'm gonna guess that Trunzo doesn't keep up with other rags' soap operas. Or maybe she does. She finds out what crap OuttaTouch is going to print this week and does a story from the opposite position. Either that or they're colluding. They wouldn't do that...would they? ATTN TROLLS: That's called a "rhetorical question", meaning no reply is expected (or wanted), so please don't post any answers in the comments section.)

"Brad has tea parties with Shi and Z (Sidebar: Golly, wonder where they got that idea? Could it be because Angie said she and Brad took Z and Shi to tea when they were in London in January?) and plays sports with Pax and Mad," says the insider. "They're practicing baseball in the huge backyard of the home they're renting in Long Island." (Sidebar: Baseball? Is this supposed to make them more palatable to the MVM - because they're playing the national pastime? More than likely they're playing soccer in Long Island, just like they did in France when the ratzi got pix of them playing in their front yard, just like they did in Prague when the ratzi got pix of them at a local park. The Jolie-Pitt family game is soccer, Star. Try to remember this.)

But what's making Brad and Angie happiest of all is the renewed sizzle in their relationship. "They're back to taking nightly baths together," says the insider. "He's giving Angie back rubs and massaging her feet - he's completely doting on her." (Sidebar: I’m sure Brad is "rubbing" and "massaging" certain parts of Angie's body, but I doubt it's her back and her feet...although...reflexologists do say that the soles of the feet are one of the most erogenous zones on the body. Hey about letting me borrow Brad for a few days so I can test their theory out? Oh shit! What was that? Did Z just give me her patented Beatdown A Ratzi Bitch Side-eye? Cuz the hair on the back of my neck is singed.)

Brad and Angie have always been super-attracted to each other, but now, "things are at a whole new level," the insider adds. "Their sex life is always amazing when Angie's pregnant. The love is back - and so is the lust!" (Sidebar: I guess this means Angie won't be loaning Brad to me so I can test out that foot massage theory. Selfish bitch.)

Photo captions -

- Pic of Brad with Z and Shi in DC -

DADDY'S GIRLS: Brad loves to have tea parties with daughters Shiloh and Zahara and an insider tells Star he even bought a special table and chairs to sit at when they play. (Sidebar: GMAFB STAR! Like they're going to lug around a special tea table and chairs as much as they travel!)

- Pic of Angie with Mad & Pax in NO at MIR dedication

MAMA'S BOYS: "Angie sits in the yard and watches Pax and Maddox play catch with Brad," says an insider. "It makes her smile seeing how happy they all are." (Sidebar: Awwwww...a warm and fuzzy, heart-tugging moment from Star. If I didn't know they made that up I'd have a tears in my eyes.)


Just after getting the happy baby news, Brad took a quick trip to France - and returned bearing more than $150,000 worth of gifts for Angie! The first item he bought was a $1,400 antique wood rocking chair (Sidebar of my own: Only $1,400? Cheapskate.) for the baby's nursery. Thoughtful Brad also had "a pricey collection of books by Proust shipped to the Long Island home, since Angie loves reading, especially when she's pregnant," and insider tells Star. (Sidebar: the Star is claiming Brad went all the way to France for some moldy, old books by a French author whose name in unpronounceable by the American masses? You can't get Proust's books in the U.S.? My local B&N carries them. I'm sure there must be a few in NYC that carry them, too.) But Brad's most spectacular love token was a Cartier ring that set him back $80,000! (Sidebar: "Set him back"? Shit. Brad probably has 80 grand worth of newsboy caps! A $80K ring is nothing to him. $80K for rich people is the regular people equivalent of paying $9.99 for one of those cheesy ass half-faux-silver/half -colored-glass "cocktail" rings at JCPenney. If I were Angie, I'd be offended and give it back while telling him, "I'm spitting out YOUR FOURTH CHILD IN 3 YEARS AND ALL YOU SPENT WAS $80K? Somebody's gonna be sleeping alone for the duration of this pregnancy if I don't see some serious rocks in the next 60 minutes!") "It's his way of telling her how thrilled he is about the baby news and putting all the fighting behind them," says the insider. Back in the states, Brad personally designed a pair of diamond and platinum earrings especially for Angie at Asprey in NYC. "They have a leaflike motif," says a source. "Brad didn't care what the price was, and he didn't bat an eye when he found out it was close to $40,000!" (Sidebar: Puh-leeze. The Star needs to take that exclamation mark off that last sentence. For Brad $40K is nothing for custom made jewelry. That amount doesn't even register to people worth a couple hundred million. Methinks the reason the reporter is gawking at that figure is because someone who wrote this story's annual salary is LESS than that amount.)


When Life & Style caught up with Jennifer Aniston in NYC on April 14, (Sidebar: Read - "When Stephen Huvane called our reporter,") the actress hardly looked like someone who was enjoying her stay in the city. Asked how she was doing, a grim-faced Jen simply responded, "I'm hanging in there." (Sidebar: "Hanging." Now there's a word I'd like to see associated with X in a KKK did of way. They hate Greeks, too, don't they? I can see it now...Pastoral scene of the gallant south, the bulging eyes and the twisted mouth. Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh, then the sudden smell of burning flesh...)

Jen, 40, has always loved NYC, soaking up the shopping and dining at the trendiest spots whenever she's in town. (Sidebar: I think that's more like, "...soaking up rays in a tanning bed in her hotel's spa.") But during this stay, which began in late March, she's kept a remarkably low profile. (Sidebar: Pffft. If Lies & Shit wants to see X every damned day, then tell 'em to come on over to Jared's. He's got pix of everything she's done in NYC for the last 5 weeks except her most recent coke binge.) When she's not on set filming her new romantic comedy, The Baster, she's been holed up in her room at the Greenwich Hotel in Tribeca, ordering room service for most meals. (Sidebar: Holed up in her room. Exactly. That's WHY Jared doesn't have pix of her most recent coke binge. Funny, ain't it, how the ratzi never get invited to those?)

Why the sudden shut-in behavior? (Sidebar: Anyone who's ever been to a casino knows not to question why the slot machine is suddenly paying out. In other words, just be glad for the days you don't have to see pix of X's "I'm still young, fresh, hip and cool"-a-thon.) Jen's nemesis, Angelina Jolie, is also shooting a movie - the spy thriller Salt - in and around NYC, (Sidebar: Angie's X's "nemesis"? Let's see... X's ex-husband CHOSE a life of traveling, humanitarian work, lots of kids and a renewed connection with his family in Missouri with Angie over a life of tanning, smoking, toking, not seeing his family and vegging on the sofa with X. That makes Angie X's superior, not her nemesis.) and an insider close to Jen believes she's being extremely careful to avoid bumping into Angie. "Instead of going out to restaurants where she might run into Angelina, Jennifer is entertaining guests in her hotel suite." (Sidebar: "Entertaining guests" is L&Sese for "After John Mayer dumped Jen her needy rep preceded her and now she can't get laid so she asked the concierge to send over some hookers.")

WHY JEN'S SCARED (Sidebar: Easy-peasy - cuz she's an anal retentive mass of neuroses.)

When Jen presented an award at the Oscars in February, with her ex Brad Pitt and Angelina sitting in the front row, she seemed to be sending a message that she was finally ready to come face-to-face with them. (Sidebar: Thankfully they didn't say X was on "even ground" with them because she was only there as a presenter because the producers were using a "Brangie vs. Jen" showdown to drum up viewers. That and all the A-list movie stars turned down the offer to present and the producers were stuck with B-listers and tweeners.) But she avoided an actual meeting, and she seems scared to have one now. (Sidebar: Mainly because she doesn't have a fake date to hide behind anymore. She knows that Brad & Angie know what she was up to that night. Bitch is just afraid they'll laugh in her face UP CLOSE as opposed to them laughing at her from 20 feet away.)

Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt (arf, arf, arf!) in her wounds. "Jen hasn't shown any interest in going out and hitting the clubs," (Sidebar: And that's unusual?) says the insider. "She's on her own, with the occasional visit from her manager or girlfriends. (Sidebar: Girlfriends = hookers.) The bottom line is she's pretty lonely." (Sidebar: is that unusual?)

For her part, Angelina, 33, has barely been seen off set since she began shooting Salt in March. (Sidebar: Ummmm...that's probably because she has a husband and 6 kids who need her attention.) While Brad spent some time in France, Angie's brother James Haven stayed with her to help take care of the kids, an insider close to Angie says. But Angelina didn't use her bachelorette time to hit her favorite bars. (Sidebar: First of all, when has Angie been ever been a barfly? And secondly, she has 6 kids, morons. She's with her family when she's not working. If she were out bar hopping, then she'd never hear the end of, "Why isn't she with her kids and Brad?" Actually...WE would hear that from the trolls. Angie couldn't care less what the detractors are saying about her.)

"She's not afraid of Jennifer," the Angie insider says. (Sidebar: ROTFLMAO. That's the understatement of the century.) But running into Brad's ex would be very awkward, "and she refuses to even acknowledge that Jen might be right down the block." (Sidebar: I'm sure it's more like one of the ratzi yelled at Angie, "Hey Angie, did you know Jen's staying just a block from here?" And Angie ignored him and kept walking.)


Pic of B/A/Z/S exiting the grocery store (Sidebar of my own...somewhere they'd NEVER run into X...cuz we all know X doesn't eat unless is her Friend's salad and someone has to deliver that to her house. Oh wait...she did say she baked a cake for a party for Obama's presidential victory. BBBBWWWWHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!)

Stop & Shop - Angie's barely ventured out in NYC at all. But on April 18, she went out with Brad, Zahara and Shiloh - to a Stop & Shop on Long Island where there was no risk of running into Jen! They spent nearly $200 on groceries including fried chicken and pretzels the store's floral director Katherine Pastore tells Life & Style, adding, "Brad paid cash." (Sidebar: Sad ain't it when you can't even buy chicken and pretzels without it being in a national magazine. I'm sure Tampax, Playtex, Kotex and O.B. were sorry Angie didn't need any tampons. I can just see the lunatic-fringe fans like OctoCrazazyMom swearing off their regular brand because they heard Angie uses a different product.)


Pic of X wearing a too-tight gray dress and clutching a bag that says "Nobu".

The caption reads - "Jen loves Nobu but hasn't popped in during the trip. "We hope Jen finds time to come by," says a Nobu staffer." (Sidebar of my own: She hasn't been to Nobu because she's afraid of running into The Urinator not Angie. The Urinator is known to eat at that particular Nobu sometimes 3 times a week when he's in NYC. Hell...he even took X there one night.)

Photo of X from summer 2008 after the Urinator dumped her - (Sidebar of my own: It's the ones where she was wearing that fug gray knit tube top. 40 years old, sorry, 39 at the time, and wearing a tube top. She must have been taking fashion advice some of her trailer park dwelling relatives. A freaking tube top. She's one white bikini and a pair of 38 double D implants, 2 kids and an ex-hubby who still speaks to her away from being Pamela Anderson, Jr.)

The caption reads - "Jen's a fan of NYC museums, but this time around she steers clear of them." (Sidebar of my own: The only reason X went to a museum last year after The Urinator dumped her is because apparently he used to mock her about her lack of culture and asked her, "Have you ever even been to a museum?" So the word at the time was after he dumped her X deliberately went to NYC and invaded his territory - she went to the Nobu he always goes to - and then called a pack of ratzi and made sure they snapped her going into the Metropolitan Museum. Shit...I think I may have read that on Terd's, Lamey's or Marc Malkin's page! So never mind...knowing those 3 they pulled it out of their ass. all the years I've been making fun of X...I have NEVER seen anything to remotely indicate she knows a Picasso from a Rembrandt...and Lord knows she sure hated all the modern art stuff that Brad liked...even though she liked while they were dating and told she did...and then decorated their BH house in Laura Ashley and chintz shit while he was in Malta shooting Troy...)

(As you guys read this OuttaTouch story...see how many JJ Troll-isms you can spot...I lost count at about 842...)


Tired of Angelina Jolie's selfish behavior, Brad Pitt moves out

Angelina Jolie is normally very calm, cool and collected when she's filming a movie. But lately, on the New York set of her next thriller, Salt, onlookers say she's not her usual strong, sexy self. "She's been tearful," a behind-the-scenes source tells in Touch. (Sidebar: I guess OuttaTouch source hasn't heard about the Star-pregnancy yet. Don't pregnant women get weepy for no reason? Hell, for that matter maybe Angie had PMS!) "She looks really sad and distant. That's so not Angie. She hardly ever cries. Everyone's worried about her." (Sidebar: It's obvs to me that Angie was crying being she's sad that her mother won't get to me the new baby from Star's fake pregnancy.)

There's a good reason why Angelina is so distraught. (Sidebar: This story?) Just before Easter, she got into a big argument with her partner, Brad Pitt, and he stormed out of their rented mansion on Long Island, NY. "He told her very clearly that he just can't live with her anymore," a friend tells In Touch. "He said it was over. He was like, 'I'm outta here,' and left." (Sidebar: Oh. THAT reason. DJ's reason. My bad.)

On April 9, Brad flew to their $70 million estate, Chateau Miraval, in France, and packed his belongings. "He said he was there to check on the renovations," a local tells In Touch. "But he was really picking out his personal items and pieces of art he wanted removed from the property." (Sidebar: Dear DJ, please notice that this story DOES NOT say that the owner of Chateau Miraval said Brad was removing his things from the house. This story quotes an unnamed "local". Local to what they don't say. Never make assumptions. They never said this person was in France. For all we know he could "local" to NJ, where, unsurprisingly, OuttaTouch has offices. In fact he could have a desk that's "local" to the person who wrote this story.)

Instead of returning to the U.S. to be with Angie and their six kids for Easter, Brad stayed in Europe for more than a week. "He couldn't deal with the madness," a family friend explains. "He was at his breaking point. He needed space." (Sidebar: On behalf of Brad, I'm offended that OuttaTouch is saying that he'd rather be alone in France than be with his beautiful children on a MAJOR holiday like Easter. Even if you're not religious, Easter is a great time for kids and families to have fun and play games and do artsy shit to hard-boiled eggs that have more sense than OuttaTouch.)

While Brad called to check in on their children - (Sidebar: You know the drill - names and ages) - he couldn't talk to Angelina without getting into another fight. A confidante explains, "He's tired of all this. It never stops. Like always, Angelina only sees her side of it. Brad thinks she is so self-serving." (Sidebar: Confidante = "inside source" = We made this shit up. If Brad had a "confidante" who ratted him out to a tabloid, that person would no longer be a confidante. Yet every week one of these rags cite and "insider," "pal," or "family friend" who's selling B/A's business to the tabloids. Only a complete moron would continue confiding in people around him when there are constant leaks. In other words - I call bullshit on OuttaTouch.)

Angelina thought Brad would "cool off" and come back, an insider says, but when he refused, she had to plead with him to return home - and even used Maddox to make him feel guilty about being away from the family. "He got a call on his cell from Maddox, begging him to come home and look after Mommy because she is sad," the friend adds. (Sidebar: See, this is where the tabloids make a major mistake - dragging children (and elderly people) into their tall tales. When they go this low and start lying about things kids supposedly said and did most human beings' brains will shut down because they see children being exploited. My brain instantly says, "Yeah, right!" and "Leave the kids out of it, assholes!")

Brad finally booked a flight back to New York over the weekend of April 18. A rep for the couple denies any trouble. (Sidebar: Oooh...this week they've included a denial from a rep. They haven't been bothering to do that, so I guess this means they received a letter from Brad's lawyers again. Next time the lawyers write to them - could y'all remember to tell them to stop lying about the children and Brad's parents? These damned tabloids are like cockroaches scattering when the lights come on. See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.)

BRAD'S FED UP (Sidebar: Not as much as I'm fed up with this story...and it ain't even over yet...)
As In Touch has reported, it's not the first time Brad, 45, and Angelina, 33, have separated in anger. (Sidebar: No, it's the 3 trillionth, but who's counting.) But it is the first time that Brad has stayed away for an extended period of time. "They've gone a day or two," says a source, "but never for more." Brad's friend says this latest fight may be the final straw: "There's no fun left in the relationship. All they do is scream and shout about taking care of the kids. Brad wanted her to stop working and live in one place and be a stay-at-home mom. Instead, he feels like a single dad. He's exhausted." (Sidebar: Ummm...should I get out my handy-dandy quote again? Yeah...I think so...

1. How Brad REALLY feels about Angie going back to work on Salt -

Are you planning to return to work?

"I’m looking at something at the end of February, but there was a big discussion in the house—should I go back to work at all? It would have been over a year since I last worked. But, he was just wonderfully supportive and said, 'We’re here, and we’re great. The babies will be sitting up and hanging out in your trailer. It’s going to be all right. The kids are at school, and they will come visit.' We’re trying to balance it all."

2. How ANGIE really feels about going back to work -

After that, she said, she’ll stay home for another full year, and she expects acting to play a diminishing role in her life as time goes by. For the past several months, since the twins were born, the older kids have been home-schooled, “and they’ve had Mommy and Daddy every day for every meal, and they’ve been very close to us.” It’s not a routine she’s eager to disrupt. Deciding to take a job is “really hard,” she said. “Who’s in school at that time? How can I be sure I don’t do too many long hours? Can the three youngest be on the set every day?”

3. What Brad REALLY thinks about his large family…2008dec26,0,4238161.story (this link may be broken...I'm too lazy to go find the one that works...)

"I had a whole other life and I got to experience a lot. And I probably got away with more than I should," he says. "And it kind of ran its course, you know, it kind of hit a dead end." Fatherhood, he notes, is "the direction I always thought I would go in. But not until, with Angie and it felt like a natural evolution, a natural direction."

The prosecution now rests it's case.)

He is trying to remain "stoic," but may eventually cave in to Angelina. "Brad can't live with her, but he can't live without her," says the friend. (Sidebar: How convenient. Brad decided to go back...and OuttaTouch lives to lie another day.) "If it wasn't for their six children, odds are they wouldn't still be together." (Sidebar: That's a Faniston's - and a few trolls - wet dream, ain't it? Even if Brad left Angie tomorrow...X would still be alone. He wouldn't go running back to X. Oh well, let them have their delusions...if for no other reason than because it cracks my ass up.)

Dr. Gilda Carle, author of thBolde e-book 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, believes that breaking up is hard to do, especially with kids involved, (Sidebar: OuttaTouch needed a shrink to tell them this? Their collective IQ must be 19.) and that Brad and Angelina will likely go back and forth several times before they permanently split. (Sidebar: In other words, "We'll be doing these break-up stories 9 times a year for the next 50 years or until one of them dies, a bigger sustainable cash cow comes along or until this magazine finally folds - whichever comes first.") "It's a porcupine dance," Dr. Gilda, who doesn't work with the family, tells In Touch. "They'll separate and reunite until the quills prick them again. It'll go on until someone says, "I've had enough. Goodbye forever." (Sidebar: Anyone out there having relationship problems? If so - stay the fuck away from Dr. Obvious and her lame-ass analogies. "Porcupine dance"? Does that look anything like the Macarena?)

For now, Brad and Angelina are still both scheduled to attend the Cannes International Film Festival in May, (Sidebar: Read that DJ? Your bosses say Angie's going to be in Cannes. Guess you didn't get that e-mail, huh?) where he's promoting his movie Inglourious Basterds, and Angelina hopes they'll spend the summer at Chateau Miraval. (Sidebar: Ruh roh...someone at OuttaTouch didn't do their homework and doesn't know Brad will be filming "Moneyball" this summer. If they go to Miraval, it won't be for the whole summer.) "No matter what happens, they always want the kids to go there every year," an insider reveals. (Sidebar: "Every year" = "for as long as they're leasing it." Because the owner said they signed a 3-year lease.)

But Brad isn't sure they'll make it that long. "There's a part of him that always knew they may not last forever," the close friend admits. "Brad adores his kids, but he's tired of the drama." (Sidebar: Hey, at least he got kids out of this "drama". With X he had all the drama and nothing to show for it. Not even an egg roll or Norman's pawnail clippings.)

PHOTOS with stupid CAPTIONS -

- Picture of Brad in France a few weeks back


On April 9, witnesses spied Brad alone at the Marseille airport in France, "He was tired of Angelina's drama," his friend tells In Touch. (Sidebar: Actually...Brad was just fucking with the tabloids. He really went to France for 2 days because he wanted to see what yarn the tabloids would spin. Wasn't that nice of him to provide OuttaTouch with enough storyline to get them to Cannes in mid-May?)

- Picture of Angie - looks like one from their trip to NO for the MIR 1st home dedication -

CAPTION - SHE WAS HOME ALONE (Sidebar: That makes it sounds like they adopted Macauley Culkin - minus Michael Jackson.)

After Brad left her for Chateau Miraval, Angelina looked after their 7 kids at their mansion on Long Island, "It's her turn to be a parent," Brad's friend says. (Sidebar: It's Angie's "turn to be a parent"? Whuh? Did you guys hear that Dr. Stephen Hawking is seriously ill? That's a real shame...because he retired from Cambridge recently and I was thinking now that he has some free time on his hands - Here's a man who can explain the origins of the universe, meld Einstein's theory of relativity with quantum physics to explain quarks, black holes and the likelihood of other dimensions in terms normal people can understand, then he MIGHT be able to explain to OuttaTouch that - a) Angie was preggers and had 4 kids to take care of while Brad shot Tree of Life for 6 weeks in late-Feb/March 2008; and b) she then had 4 very active kids over the age of 2 and 2 4-month-old infants to take care of while Brad shot Inglourious Basterds off-and-on for 3 months in late 2008 and early 2009. Therefore, Angie's 18 weeks of watching the 4, then 6, kids by herself, without OuttaTouch claiming she was complaining because Brad was shirking his fatherly duties by working on his movie, trumps Brad's 6 weeks of child-watching by 2/3. That is, of course, assuming Dr. Hawking can get the Mensa members at OuttaTouch to understand addition, subtraction and fractions.)

SIDEBAR: THEY'VE BEEN HAVING RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE FOR MORE THAN A YEAR (Sidebar of my own: Uh...'scuse me for pointing this out, OuttaTouch, but y'all have been saying they've had relationship problems since...well...since they became a couple in mid-2005. that's slightly longer than "a year.")

1. Too Much chaos - pic of B/A/M/P/Z going to a theater in NO

As In Touch has reported, Brad started feeling overwhelmed with having to take care of so many children around December 2007. (Sidebar of my own: If that's the case then he shouldn't have been spent all of November 2007 in Angie's trailer on the Changeling set making her eyes roll back in her head...and then she wouldn't have been PREGNANT AGAIN by December 2007 and Brad wouldn't have been "feeling overwhelmed". Fucking morons.)

2. She was Emotional - pic of a very pregnant Angie with Brad at the Cannes premiere of Changeling

Angie's pregnancy was so stressful, he drank alone at the bar at the Cannes film festival in May 2008. (Sidebar of my own: Is there only 1 bar in Cannes? Which bar was it, OuttaTouch? And who, other than Assley and DJ, saw him? cuz...they were staying in Paul Allen's villa, which isn't in Cannes and only went into Cannes for Angie's doctor appointments and the film festival. OuttaTouch would have been more believable to say that Brad was drinking at some club with Bono and The Edge, who he spent a lot of time hanging out with last summer. Pardon me for giving them ideas, but if they're going to lie, could they at least be half-way believable?)

3. He took off before - pic of Brad in Berlin, looks like one where he was exiting the restaurant after Tarantino's first cast/crew get-together.

After a fight last September, Brad left on his motorcycle and attended an event with an Angelina look-alike. (Sidebar of my own: No, they don't show a picture of this supposed Angie look-alike. They don't even have a picture of Brad on a motorcycle. This is the first I've heard of this Angelina look-alike crap. Guess I better e-mail OuttaTouch and tell 'em Assley was slacking that week. I'd do it...except...I doubt they'll fire her. I mean, you's not often you find someone willing to work for $1.50 an hour and all the Cheesy Spam and Tofu Noodle casserole they can eat.)

4. He drinks too much - pic of Brad & Angie in Germany getting into a car after an night out with the IB cast...

Angelina was annoyed with Brad's drinking. In January he snuck a beer out of a restaurant. (Sidebar: My recollection is that the bar owner said Brad didn't even realize he had the beer in his pocket. However, good old Assley said at the time that Brad was sneaking a beer. Wonder where OuttaTouch got this idea...THREE MONTHS LATER.)

5. Jennifer Interferes - pic of Brad & Angie at the Oscars

They looked unhappy at the Oscars in February when they saw his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, for the first time. (Sidebar of my own: This was one of the few pix from the Oscars commercial breaks where Brad and Angie didn't look completely relaxed and happy. Brad's hand is reaching out toward Angie and to me it looks like he's saying, "Baby...they're about to give out the documentary awards. Let's go have a quickie behind that huge potted palm tree in the lobby. I know OuttaTouch has a reporter masquerading as a bartender out there, so I'll be sure to yell out Jen's name when I come so the tabloids will have something to right about next week." The look on Angie's face? "Alright baby, whatever you want...but only if I can call you Billy Bob and scream, 'That's right, bitch! Suck my blood!'") (PS - Just kidding Mr. IUC! Wouldn't want that little scenario to turn up on your site next week as more inside info from "Toni"...)


Pic of B/A/Z/S at the Stop-and-Shop.

The Captions reads - "The children are upset: Brad and Angie try to hide their issues from the kids, but a source says the pair know there are problems." (Sidebar of my own: Uh...pardon me for interjecting a little logic into the proceedings...but...if Brad and Angie are the ones having problems, then it stands to reason that "the pair know there are problems." See where I'm going with this OuttaTouch? Redundancy is an ongoing problem with this rag. Guess the editor just doesn’t get paid enough to give a shit.)

Also, there's a cut-out circle with a pic of Z sucking her thumb and they've drawn a white arrow to point it out and beside the arrow it says, "Zahara looks so sad!" (Sidebar of my own: No. Zahara didn't look sad. Zahara looked tired and at the earliest opportunity proceeded to take a nap on daddy's shoulder...cuz that's what daddies are for...unless you work at IUC. My brain just barfed a little trying to imagine what pederast perversion those sick fuckers would turn my comment into.)

For the first time since February 22, Brad and Angelina were seen together publicly. (Sidebar of my own: Aside from the fact that OuttaTouch means "photographed together" and NOT "seen together," the actual date they were last snapped together was Feb 25, outside the theater where they saw The Little Merman, NOT The Lion King as OuttaTouch reported last week. Now you know why I call them "OuttaTouch". Dumb fuckers can't even see the shit that's right under their noses.) On April 18, the couple were spotted grocery shopping with Zahara and Shiloh at the Stop & Shop supermarket on Long Island. Even though their relationship is tense, they are trying to make it work for the sake of their children. (Sidebar of my own: "...and our continued existence as a weekly publication.") "Brad's love for the kids is never going to change," an insider says. "No matter where things to with Angelina, he's always going to be their daddy." (Sidebar of my own: Duh. Kinda like OuttaTouch will always been lowlife, bottom-feeding scumbags.)


(Sidebar of my own: OuttaTouch is going for the old misdirection strategy - Don't believe your eyes, believe our story! They could should have called this section, "Yeah, they look all happy and cuddly and shit...but...they fakin' it, y'all!)

Behind the scenes, Brad and Angelina are having serious problems. But you'd never know it, considering how loving and affectionate they are when they appear at red carpet events together all over the world. "Sure, they look happy in photos," a family friend tells In Touch. "They are actors and can turn it on for the cameras most of the time." (Sidebar of my own: Sooooooo...Brad and Angie are faking their affection for one another in public...but...X and The Urinator - especially at the Oscars - were profoundly and undyingly in love. Yet those loved-up kids parted ways before Angie and Brad. Hmmmm...) But as they've added kids to the family, their problems have gradually gotten worse. And they're increasingly having a harder time always putting on a happy face in public. "The cracks in their relationship are getting deeper and deeper," says the family friend. An insider agrees and claims the chemistry has fizzled: "Their relationship has changed. They're both bored with each other." (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, they're so bored with one another that Janice Min at US magazine can't be bothered to investigate and report on their alleged problems. Min LIVES to make Angie look bad. They're so bored with one another that 2 weeks ago even the Star magazine finally gave up on their first quarter "It's ALMOST over" story.)

1. They're Hands-on - pic of B/A at the Tokyo CCOBB premiere with Angie's arms wrapped around Brad's waist

Angie hung on to Brad at the Japanese premiere of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on January 29. (Sidebar of my own: Brad & Angie "acted" so well at the premiere that Japan was the #1 foreign market for CCOBB with over $25 million in box office receipts. Par & WB both want to sincerely thank our intrepid duo for "acting like they're still together.)

2. They're all smiles - pic of B/A at the Berlin CCOBB premiere

At the Berlin premiere of Benjamin Button on January 13, her laugh seemed forced and phony. (Sidebar of my own: This is a cut-and-paste quote from their story on the Oscars...cuz they used EXACTLY the same phrase about the picture of Angie laughing while X and Jack Black were on stage.'re not supposed to remember that...If I weren't the Queen of Trivial Shit Nobody Else Gives A Fuck About I wouldn't remember it either. Needless to say - Angie was radiant in Berlin, despite the fug Akris pantsuit.)

3. They try to be romantic - pic of B/A at the GG ceremony - it's one taken during a break and Angie's got her arm around Brad with her hands crossed behind his shoulders.

They struck a classic Hollywood pose at the Golden Globes on January 11. (Sidebar of my own: If it's so "classic" then how does OuttaTouch know that others who "struck" the pose in the past weren't "acting," too?)

4. They're a united front - pic of B/A at the SAG ceremony waving to the crowd

Brad and Angelina seemed connected when they held hands and waved to the crowd at the SAG awards on January 23. (Sidebar of my own: In other words - "Ha, ha, ha. We kid. We kid! Things are just hunky dory between them but we got a magazine to sell and we have no morals so everyone in their lives, from infants to senior citizens, is fair game!")


(Sidebar of my own: This is easily one of the lowest blows OuttaTouch has ever made. Is there no line these losers won't cross to make a buck? This fuckery will never end, will it? Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

In the left-hand corner of the ring - weighing in at "None of your dad gummed business!" and "A gentleman should never ask a lady two things - her age and her weight."...fresh from the back woods and corn fields of southern Missouri, each carrying their own leather-embossed, large print edition of the King James Bible & Parables for Today's Gossip-Mongering Tabloids - let's hear a thunderous round of applause for our reigning champs - sponsored by AARP, Polident, Depends and Geritol, ladies and gents I give you - Mr. & Mrs. William Pitt, aka, Bill and Jane or "Papa" and "Grammy"! Woo-hoo! Go Grammy! Go Papa!

And now, ladies and gents, in the right-hand corner of the ring, let me introduce our challenger - weighing in at "It used to a hell of a lot less before I gave up running." and hailing from the land of sun-baked faux bleached blondes who routinely deny their Greek heritage, coked-up clubs and douchebaggery galore, otherwise known as Los Angeles, Cal-ee-for-nee-uh, standing too damned tall and putting a crick in my neck, we have the unemployed "actor", moocher sibling of our heroine. We're not entirely sure what it is he does with all his time, but we've heard rumors it might be something shifty called "charity work". Let's have a slightly less enthusiastic welcome for Mr. James Haven, or "Uncle Jamie" or "Jon Voight's other acknowledge kid - the one that's not famous! We're also inserting a disclaimer of Mr. Haven being Mr. Voight's only other child have because certain rumors say a certain goddaughter may actually be just be a plain old "god"-less "daughter.) Go Jamie, go Jamie, go Jamie!)

- Really old pic of Bill & Jane walking down the street somewhere...I have no idea where this was taken, but it's at least 7-8 years old

The caption reads - JANE'S WORRIED - "When she talks to Brad, he's increasingly pessimistic," her friend says. "It tears her up." (Sidebar of my own: Not as badly as it must "tear her up" to constantly hear that she's been thrust into these ridiculous tabloid stories. LEAVE THE SENIOR CITIZENS ALONE, OUTTATOUCH! Don't make me sic AARP on your asses!)

- Picture of James wearing...OMFG...I bet Brad gave him this shit for X-mas...A NEWSBOY HAT! Angie REALLY needs to break Brad of his addiction. First Knox...not Jamie...There's got to be a 12-step program for that shit somewhere. There's a 12-step program for EVERYTHING...

The caption reads - JAMES GETS IN THE WAY - "He's the only man who's never let her down," says a source about Angelina's brother, James. (Sidebar of my own: No, OuttaTouch doesn't explain how Brad has "let her down"...but I'm sure Assleytroll, Tres Jolie, DJ, Bet and their many alters will be more than happy to pick up OuttaTouch's gauntlet.)

Brad's mother, Jane, has never been a huge fan of Angelina's (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, that's why she gushed about Angie and hung all over her at the LA CCOBB premiere...cuz she's pining for X.) - and now she's angry at her for making Brad upset. (Sidebar of my own: Oh brother...let’ see if I have this straight...a senior citizen is mad because middle-aged son was upset by his 30-something girlfriend? Just when I'd hoped to retire Bo and Hope...) "Jane wants him to be happy, but it's painfully obvious he's not," her friend says. "She can tell by the look on his face and the sound of his voice. She's reminded him that he was never this miserable with Jen." (Sidebar of my own: would his mother know? She only saw him a couple of times a year when he was with X! And did OuttaTouch forget about the sidebar they just did? "They're actors..." so they "acted" when Brad's 'rents were around. Didn't Grandma Betty say they had no inkling there was trouble in the marriage when Brad dumped X? Uh, yah, she did. CLUE! That means Brad wasn't running home to Mommy every time X pulled some stunt on him. He didn't then. He didn't with Putrid and he sure as hell wouldn't now with Angie. It's called being an ADULT!) Brad is also annoyed with Angelina's brother, James Haven, who often helps care for the kids. "James is rude and manipulative," another source reveals. "Brad is sick of it." (Sidebar of my own: Yeah...that's why James is wearing that damned newsboy hat...cuz Brad's sick of him. Listen - even if Brad didn't give Jamie that hat...only a friend would buy/wear a similar hat. If James and Brad didn't get along James would be MOCKING the hats...not wearing one just like it. OuttaTouch has turned this story into a game of limbo - how low can they go? I guess they don't know that Jamie is a born-again Christian...just like Brad's brother, Doug. Does that mean Doug's "rude and manipulative," too? And dollars to donuts - Doug's got one of those damned newsboy caps, too!)


Nedda said...

It is really incredible the BS these mags write. My question is if it's possible that there are people with such a low IQ to buy this BS?
Bye thanks

Alexkziel said...

Hey PT, why you don't star posting some nice Brad and Angie pics and make this blog JJ 2? :)
I am sick of Just Jared and the vile people posting there...
Sorry I know that it is a dream, but sometimes one person can feel depressed after reading the same crap over and over again.

briseis said...

Dear PT:

I finally got the third one, courtesy of my aunt. I was able to figure out the lyrics, but had no idea that it was "Strange Fruit" by Billie Holiday. "I Am a Walrus" was a no brainer for this Beatles fan, and neither was "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel.

Whew, had to type this in between our quizzes and presentation. It's really a bummer when I have only two brain cells working and had to go back to school. ;}