PT's Tabloid Report

As promised here are the rest of the tabloids on Brad & Angie's divorce. Except for the NE and OuttaTouch they are SOOOOOOOOO fucking disappointing that I can't even be bothered to comment beyond more than this -

1. notOK -

2. Lies & Shite -

3. OuttaTouch says to Lies & Shite

Honestly...read the OuttaTouch first...The L&S is basically a Cliff's Notes version of the long-ass, every-lie-they've-told-the-last-12-years-12-pages-long-epic-whale-bowel-movement.

4. Star - I will give Star credit for 1 thing - having the balls to surround the article with covers from the past 12 years. They seem to think their article proves that each of those covers was true, but all it really does is point out how much bullshit they've made up the last 12 years.

5. US - If you've read the stories on their website - then you've read this cover story. Literally.

6. NE - also known as the perpetual boil on the ass of humanity. Let's just say this - Bert Fields and Company need to pay a visit to Donald Drumpf's biggest supporter with a letter that reads as follows -

TABLOID READING DRINKING GAME:

- 10 shots of any tequila but Casamigos every time Brad's NOT BFF Porgie is mentioned

- 20 shots of any 90 proof liquor every time Ticky is mentions. Add an addition 20 shots if the words "reunion," "affair" or "poor" - as in "poor Jen" - are mentioned

- 5 glasses of Miraval Rose every time "ther $60 million French chateau" is mentioned

- 2 Heinekens for every accusation that Angie beat Brad up but only 1 Heineken if Brad beat up Angie or the kids.

- 7 Bloody Marys every time Angie moves to London, wants to go into politics or join the UN

- 2 shot of a beverage of your choice every time the kids are said to be messy, out of controls, brats, terrors, etc.

- 1 glass of water for every named source

- 1 entire bottle of Jack Daniels every time it's mentioned that Brad has a drinking or weed problem

- 3 Martinis every time Angie's said to have a temper, be mean, vindictive, or past mental issues means she's currently batshit cray and drove Brad to drink and toke and is in general at fault for the behavior of a grown ass man 11 1/2 years her senior

- 4 frozen fruity drinks for every time you want to slap the shit out of the writer

And now...for the scans....

Don't say I didn't warn you. Boringest shite evah! After 12 years of every lie imaginable - THIS is what they came up with? Some mags are mainly just photo retrospectives with snippy captions. Lame! I fell asleep on page 2 of the OuttaTouch and hard start all over. The NE, at least, is pure CFG. Not only do they have Brad beating the shit out of Angie and the kids, but he cheated on Angie with a Croatian twinkie - and Angie and NOT LENA GOULD are lesbian lovers...again...only this time NE got Daltons's name right...and no, the fuckers DID NOT give me credit for finding out her name LAST YEAR when they claimed she was nanny named "Lena Gould." Ungrateful jackasses. And I particluarly enjoyed the "re-enactment," ie, hired look-a-like models, of Brad and Ticky's "reunion" at a hotel after she found out about the divorce. You know...when she was seen boarding a private jet and hightailing it to NYC because her stolen troll boy was finally done shooting his shitty little tv show...

PS - James, the perpetually unemployed 43 year-old who as far as I can tell has never had steady employment in his whole life and certainly not during Brad and Angie's relationship, gets to be the children's "savior" instead of his sister's butt-monkey. Wonder how long it'll take the tabs to turn on him? Serioulsy - WTF does James do for a living that he can drop everything and go watch his sister's kids?

notOK - October 10 -2016