Wednesday, May 13, 2009

FOR MAGAZINES DATED MAY 18, 2009

This week I'll be splitting the report up and posting part of it today and part of it tomorrow or Friday. I was going to post it all today, but there's no way I'm going to have time to finish it.

For now, here's the Star part of the report. I started with them because they're story is easily the biggest piece of libelous bullshit I've seen in a tabloid in quite a while. I sincerely hope Angie sics her lawyers on them.

Briseis - There are no song lyrics in this part of the report. I was just too disgusted by the article to even bother.





EXPLOSIVE NEW TELL-ALLS! PREGNANT ANGIE'S SECRETS & LIES

Famed Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has set his sites on Angelina Jolie - and he's got lots to spill! So does her former bodyguard!

By Jennifer Pearson, Heidi Parker, Suzanne Rozdeba & John Bell (Wouldn't want to short any of the Star brain trust on their by-line...)


Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston - and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend! These are just some of the explosive revelations that renowned investigative reporter Andrew Morton COULD serve up in a shocking new tell-all. (Sidebar: The operative word here is "COULD". Morton could also say that none of these rumors are true and were started by malicious gossips who were envious and jealous of Angie or who were simply greedy bastards who didn't care how they made a living.)

And just in case Morton misses any juicy scandals, Angie's ex-bodyguard Mickey Brett is also penning a book of his own! (Sidebar: Yes, Star did have the chutzpah to tell an outright lie. The Mickey book has been stopped in its tracks WEEKS AGO and multiple media outlets have reported as much WEEKS AGO. This is just another instance where a tab CAN print the truth, but deliberately lies instead to sell more mags.)

Morton - who was handpicked by Princess Diana to write Diana: Her True Story - In Her Own Words (Sidebar: This should read, "...who was handpicked by Princess Diana to write Diana: Her True Story - In Her Own Words because Diana was hell-bent on making sure the British public knew exactly how big a heartless, cold asshole Prince Charles really is...") - is already researching every aspect of the 33 year-old actress' life, (Sidebar: Except for the stuff included in our story that we either made up or "borrowed" from other tabloids) including her stint in an L.A. mental institution in 2000. Just hours after her release, (Sidebar: Yeah, about 72 hours - in other words THREE DAYS.) she married Billy Boob (typo but I'm keeping it) Thornton.

"That period in Angelina's life is still a mystery, even to people who are close to her," Morton tells Star. "Was she committed, or was she a voluntary patient? I want to get at the truth and discover why she was there at all." (Sidebar: Where's the mystery? Angie said years ago that she committed herself because she thought something was wrong with how crazy in love she was with BBT...and ya gotta admit, she had a point. And she was only there for a whopping 3 days. We're not talking about weeks, let alone months or years. Exactly how much dirt does he expect to uncover without having employees violate HIPAA regulations and risk losing their jobs?)

"KNIVES AND DRUGS"

In fact, insiders tell Star that Angie's relationship with Billy Bob is rife with shocking details that Morton may expose "She was so obsessed with him that she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her," says a source. (Sidebar: Now THIS is the kind of shit Angie ought to sue these tabs over.) "Angelina was very dramatic, and because she carried knives and did drugs, he thought it was possible she could harm herself. He was so worried that he agreed to tie the knot." (Sidebar: First of all - BBT is far crazier than Angie could ever be. The man, and I LOVE to harp on this, has a phobia about Benjamin Disraeli's hairpiece. This hairpiece is in a British museum under lock and key and nowhere near BBT...yet the man is afraid of it. He's fears orange food and claimed last year that he'll only eat raw foods these days and didn't even say why. Plus, BBT was doing way more drugs than Angie was at this point in her life. In fact, rumor has it, HIS coke habit was the main reason she fell off the wagon during the early stages of their relationship and marriage. Secondly, yes, the Star just let BBT off the hook after claiming for years that he dumped Laura Dern specifically to go chasing after Angie - of his own free will. Now they're claiming that Angie coerced BBT, 20 years her senior and 4-times divorce with just as many failed "engagements", into marrying her by threatening to kill herself. Sue, Angie, sue! BBT switched wives more frequently than most people switch shoes.)

What about Angie and Billy Bob wearing vials of each other's blood around their necks? (Sidebar: What about it? It was a dab of blood in a locket, not a vial. At this point, after 8 years of explaining in various interviews that it was a keepsake locket and not a vial, tabs should have to pay Angie a dime every time they refer to the locket as a vial. She could fund UNICEF for about 10 years on the fifth estate's dime.) Apparently, that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Angie's taste for blood! In her teens, the actress was captivated by vampires, a family insider reveals, "She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She even wanted to become a mortician." (Sidebar: How shocking is that shit really? Angie's told these stories a gazillion times. And it was "boyfriend" - singular, not plural. All the research Morton needs to do is to read Angie's interviews and watch her "Inside the Actor's Studio".)

Morton few from London to L.A. on May 3 with a team of researchers. "I want to separate the truth from all the fiction and all the hype that follows Angelina everywhere," he tells Star. (Sidebar: Pfffft. Like he's the arbiter of what's true. This is a guy who spent 2 years researching Tiny Tom and couldn't find anything hinky about the Scientolocrazies. How is that possible?) "I'd love to sit down with her, and I've made an approach asking her to cooperate on the book." (Sidebar: An overture which I'm sure was met with a big, resounding, "You're writing a book about me? Whatevs, dude. Spell my name right.")

In her younger days, Angie was barely recognizable as the glamorous icon she's become. (Sidebar: GMAFB. Who looks now like they did in their "younger days"? Not even X, Ms. "I tried Botox once" can make that claim. Sorry, Leatherface fans.) In school, "people called her Spider Lady and Freak because she was so thin and pale, and she only wore, black," says another source. (Sidebar: Star may want to rethink the opening sentence of this paragraph...cuz...ANGIE'S STILL "THIN AND PALE," wears a lot of black and people make fun of her because of it. HELL-OOOOOOO!) "She was the outcast. She was far from popular." (Sidebar: Once again - how has this changed? Her popularity level has increased, but not because of rags like this! But rags like this DO try to keep her an "outcast" by forever bringing up shit she did 10, 15 and 20 years ago.)

But by the time she hit sweet 16, Angie was blossoming into a gorgeous woman - and she quickly learned how to use her beauty to snag a much older, married man! (Sidebar: 16-year-old girls cannot make grown ass men do something they wouldn't normally do. Men are whores and think with their dicks. That's just how it is, was and always will be.)

Morton may also reveal that Angelina "had a brief but steamy affair with a guy her mom knew," the family insider tells Star. (Sidebar: "May" = "We made this shit up.") "Angie knew that he was attached - and 20 years older - but she still seduced him! She was a total sex kitten." (Sidebar: Pardon me for pointing this out...AGAIN...but a grown ass man of 36 CANNOT be "seduced" by a 16 year-old girl, no matter how forward said girl is. HE is the adult. It's his responsibility to keep his dick in his pants because if he's caught he's going to become Butch's bitch for 3 1/2 to 7 years. Secondly, we've seen photos and a video of Angie at 16 talking about her sword collection while doing a portfolio for her modeling career. That DID NOT look like a 16 year-old "sex kitten" to me. But hey, I don't write tabloids for a living, so I'm not being paid to see a "sex kitten" on that video.)

Teen temptress Angie knew no limits and even went after her mother Marcheline's boyfriend! "March and her guy had a huge fight, and Angie saw her chance to seduce him. She felt guilty about it, she confessed to her mom. She promised she would never do something like that again," says the insider. (Sidebar: Now Star is definitely in libel territory. Angie and her mother were very close and I seriously doubt Angie would go after her mother's boyfriend. And yet again we have another GROWN ASS MAN getting a free pass from Star. If he was Marcheline's boyfriend, then this was a man well into his 40s or 50s. Why is HE not the one being blamed for seducing a 16 year-old, or younger, child? That is statutory rape, same as the previous scenario, and borderline pedophilia. Yet Star is blaming ANGIE. With fucktards like Star printing this kind of bullshit it's no wonder that young girls and women everywhere remain victims of sexual predators and are too scared to report the crimes. Why bother when people are calling YOU the instigator and saying you "asked for it". Then, years later, you find yourself a celebrity and fuckers like the losers at Star are calling you a "sex kitten" and claiming you seduced men who victimized you. Pardon my French, but this shit irritates the hell out of me. And BTW, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but Marcheline's friends called her "Marsha" NOT "March," because Marsha was her real name and she changed it for her acting career because she thought she needed a more exotic name. So if the person who spoke to Star was supposedly a friend of Marcheline's, why isn't she calling her by the right name? Could it be because Star doesn't know that "Marcheline" was a stage name or that family and friends called her by another name? Someone needs to share Andy Taylor's life lesson for young Opie with the Star staff - "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.")

LUST FOR WOMEN

As Angie grew older, her taste in sex partners expanded to include women. (Sidebar: It's called "bicurious" and "bisexual" and there's nothing wrong with it. Millions of people experience the feelings, yet only a fraction of them are brave enough to experiment.) Actress Jenny Shimizu was just one of them. (Sidebar: Name the others, please Star. On the record, with real names and include proof. Otherwise - you got nuttin' but Shitzu. That goes for you Andrew Morton and Mr. IUC as well.) To this day, says the source (Sidebar: It's Mr. IUC.), "Angie checks into hotels by herself, and Brad doesn't ask questions. But it's because she still likes to sleep with women." (Sidebar: Let's see - does Star offer up proof of this statement? No, of course not. They're basing this assumption on Angie checking into hotels by herself, but all that proves is that she was at a hotel. How do they know Brad didn't join her later? Or how about the fact that interviews are often conducted in hotel suites. Usually the suites are paid for by the magazine or the studio. Also, exactly when does the Star think Angie has time to cheat on Brad? She's got 6 kids who each get individual time every day, her humanitarian work, acting gigs, a boyfriend with working and willing dangly bits, ratzi on her trail, tabloids and trash-mongering "biographers" snooping around in her business, friends/pals/insiders/colleagues/family friend/confidantes who constantly tell all her biz to tabs... The woman doesn't even have time she shave her own muff let alone dive in someone else's!)

Meanwhile, Angie's former bodyguard, Brett, a burly 52-year-old Londoner, could also spill the beans about her hush liaison with a famous rock star (see box on next page)! (Sidebar: I threw that "See box on next page" in there just so y'all would know that accusation was important enough to get it's own sidebar...whet your appetite so to speak...)

But it's Angie's affairs with men that have caused her the most pain - and that she's most worried about having the details of exposed in a new book. (Sidebar: Uh...why? She was single when she slept with men she wasn't married to...so what's the big deal? She's stated her whole public life that she'd never sleep with a married man because of what JV did to her mother, so bring it on, Mr. Morton. Exes Shitzu, JLM and BBT have all said Angie is a woman of her word. Bill O'Reilly did some digging around about her charity donations and found Angie "walks the talk". Brad said Angie is a straight-shooter. Yet Star is now saying she's a fraud. Hmmm...do I believe the people who actually know her...or the rag that uses her to make money? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Also, if he libels Angie in a book and makes millions of bucks off her I hope Angie doesn't let him slide and she sues him and St. Martin's Press for a ton of money...and then gives all their money to charity.)

With his knack for digging, sources tell Star that Morton, 44, could reveal the truth about the babies Angie lost when she was younger. (Sidebar: Hopefully Angie already has Marty Singer filing the libel lawsuit paperwork...)

"I'm told she was pregnant two or three times," says the family insider. "She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." (Sidebar: Now which is it - Angie's a "conniving" "seducer" of older men...yet she was too stupid to guard against pregnancy? Bitch, please.) The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why the now pregnant mom of - (you know the drill, names and ages) - is determined to have a huge family. (Sidebar: Good grief. Now Star is accusing Angie of having multiple abortions. She ain't Sherry Shephard! If Angie had ever had an abortion - she'd have spoken of it publicly. This is a woman who's talked about her self-harming and bisexuality...yet Star is saying she wouldn't discuss an abortion? Double bitch, please.) And her great love for her rainbow brood is one of the main reasons Angie wants to keep her secrets in the closet. (Sidebar: Ummm...Angie has said, and her family as well, that she's spoken of adopting lots of kids and having a huge family since she was a young child. Ergo, that means at the time she was discussing her struggles with cutting and her bisexuality that she knew her children would one day find those things out. Duh.)

"Angie does not want her kids to know about her raunchy past," says a source. (Sidebar: Ummm...see my previous sidebar...)

And she especially doesn't want her daughters to know about her multiple boob jobs, another insider adds. (Sidebar: Oh brother...not this fuckery, too. Anybody missing a kitchen sink? Cuz I think Star's gonna claim Angie stole it by the end of this shitfest.)

"She had them enlarged just before Lara Croft: Tom Raider, then she had them made smaller," says the insider. "She hopes her girls never feel like they need breast augmentation." (Sidebar: ROTFLMAO. Okay...now this is just pathetic. Angie said very clearly that after bulking up for LC:TR she was a 36C, the character was a 36DD, and they split the difference, padded the bra and made her a 36D. After she lost the weight she gained her boobs were smaller. Does Star think she's Xtina? That girl changes boob implants more often than I blink. How is it Star doesn't understand about weight gain and loss? Women gain weight - their bra size goes up. Women lose weight - their bra size goes down - even if their cup size stays the same. You can look at candid pix of Angie and see she was a C-cup before, during and after the LC movies. And anyone who saw her in a nude scene before AND after the LC movies KNOWS those puppies are real. Yes, Star (and Mr. IUC), The Jolie's boobs are natural. Sowwy.)

Another secret Angie is determined to keep out of print: her ongoing scheme to destroy Brad's ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. (Sidebar: Let me guess - it was Angie's hand in X's back that made her fuck up her marriage, get nude on the GQ cover, faux-date loser after loser, make bad romcoms, turn her skin into a replica of the mocha brown leather couch I've got my eye on, repeatedly put on Ass & Cooch shows in Meh-hee-co, suck as an actress, be unable to get a movie greenlit on her own steam...and lest I forget, lie like a cheap ass shag rug in ever interview she's ever given?) After years of denying it, Angie finally copped to falling in love with Brad on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, while he was still married to Jen. (Sidebar: Years of denying it? Let me correct Star - She admitted it in January 2007's Vogue magazine. If Star was too stupid to realize it...NOT Angie's fault. Considering it was the first interview Angie had given since getting together with Brad, there was no "years of lying" because she had no movies to promote, therefore no reason to do interviews and didn't lie to anyone. Savvy?) But that was Angie's plan form the start, the source tells Star! "Right before filming started, Jen introduced herself to Angelina at Warner Bros. Angelina's appraisal was cool. She meant to take Brad from Jen - and he went more than willingly!" (Sidebar: ROTFLMBAOPIMP!!! Honest to God - this is the funniest thing in the whole story! We all know Brad already had 1 1/2 feet out of the door by the time M&MS started shooting, but dammit, Angie helped him put that other 1/2 of a foot over the threshold and walk away! LOL! Seriously though - now Star's claiming Angie planned to steal Brad even though she was already on the record telling interviewers that she wasn't looking for anyone and she liked life with Mad just the way it was...and turned down multiple attempts by BBT to get back together...and they just said she loved sleeping with women, too, so why would Angie have been scheming to take Brad from X before she'd even properly met the man? She said herself that she was guilty of believing the media's view of him - just as he admitted doing with her - and that's why she was so surprised by how much she liked him and how much they had in common, because he was not like the media portrayed him to be. And sorry, but she didn't sound like impressed by the prevailing opinion, therefore why would she have been scheming to "steal" him from X? I know...I know...I need to quit being so damned logical...)

The love scenes between Brad and Angie quickly turned into the real thing, says another insider. "One time, they made out after the director yelled cut, but forgot to turn their mics off. Everyone heard kissing noises and Angelina tell Brad she wanted him. When they realized everyone heard them, they ran to her trailer laughing." (Sidebar: Ay yi yi yi yi. What kind of fuckery is this? If you're going to lie, shouldn't you at least ATTEMPT to get the details right? Actors DO NOT wear mics when filming a movie. The mic is in the overhead boom and in other objects on the set. This isn't the early days of talkies. someone as Star needs to turn off the Al Jolson flix and get with the times. Movies are even in color now! And then there's the bit that they supposedly laughed and ran to their trailer. Maybe they were playing A JOKE? Brad's known as a prankster. Angie has a good sense of humor and doesn't take herself seriously. Therefore having fun on the set is NOT out of the question, as witnessed by the outtakes on the M&MS DVD. God...this mag is tiresome as fuck all.)

BLOCKING JEN

The tell-alls reveal that Angie didn't stop at stealing Jen's man (Sidebar: Uh...one book isn't being written, the other hasn't even been researched, so how does Star know what's in them already? Sorry. I let logic slip into my brain again for a millisecond. I shook my head and tumbled out of my left ear...along with the spare car key I've been missing...): She's also been blocking Jen from getting plum movie roles! "Angie grabs up all the great scripts she knows Jen wants," says a source. "At this rate, Jen will never land an Oscar-worthy role." (Sidebar: BBBBWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Damn...now I've got a stitch in my side from laughing so hard. Someone at the Star obviously got a hold of some really good ganja, blow, ex or crystal meth...or some really cheap ganja, blow, ex or crystal meth cut with Dr. Scholl's foot powder... Does Star not realize that offers come to Angie, roles meant for men are being re-written with Angie specifically in mind and Angie doesn't have to seek scripts out...unlike a certain B-list romcom actress who repeatedly makes movies with titles that reflect her patheticness, who has to audition to get a role co-starring with 22 mutts and a fellow cokehead and who can't get cast in a serious drama no matter who she sleeps with and how good friends she is with a certain studio head's daughter. Let me break this down for Star - Angie: Tied for #2 on Forbes Most Bankable Stars list; X: Tied for 55th on the same list - behind Angie's fellow Oscar winning actresses - Julia Roberts (11), Meryl Streep (16), Nicole Kidman (22), Reese Witherspoon (34) Charlize Theron (38), Cate Blanchett (39), Jodie Foster (40), Putrid (40), Kate Winslet (51); and Oscar nominees Keira Knightly (40); proven box office draws Drew Barrymore (44), Cameron Diaz 47), and Sandra Bullock (53). And then there are the women who rank equal to or below X who either get better scripts or have to hustled for them - and NONE of them are named "Angelina Jolie" - Oscar winners Halle Berry (55), Renee Zellweger (62), Hillary Swank, (68) Penelope Cruz (70), Catherine Zeta-Jones (85), Helen Mirren (96); Oscar nominees Anne Hathaway (80) and Naomi Watts (100). And then there are the other actresses who have their own production companies and come up with their own projects or can actually talk someone into funding them without having to sleep with them - ScarJo (77), Kate Hudson (80), Natalie Portman (80), JLo (98) and Uma Thurman (98).

Folks - I only made it through the first 100 out of 1400 actors that were included in the poll. Notice that Katherine Heigl's name isn't mentioned above? Yet she's the 9th or 10th highest paid actress in HW. She gets scripts that X would kill her for. There's also Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Katherine Keener, Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton - you know...women who can really bring it in a drama.

In other words - I'm not only calling BULLSHIT on Star but I'm laughing in their faces for so wantonly flaunting their stupidity.

http://star-currency.forbes.com/celebrity-list/top-celebrities)

And Angie is about to ratchet up her vengeance on Jen, the source adds. "They both have big movies coming out: in July 2010 Angie's film Salt opens,and later comes Jen's film The Baster. Angie has already secured the covers of Vanity Fair and another major magazine because she knew Jen wanted to do them too." (Sidebar: Pfffft. Like Graydon Carter is going to tell the Star magazine his plans for the JULY 2010 cover! Graydon Carter doesn't trust his own staff with info on future issues of his mag. I'm almost positive Candace Trunzo IS NOT on his list of "most trustworthy people." And then there's the fact that X's movie isn't a major studio release and will be going the same "limited release" route as misManagement - and Traveling, too, IF she ever gets a US distributor for it.)

Baring her deepest secrets, Morton's book could be painfully embarrassing for Angie. (Sidebar: Then again, there could be no secrets to bare and the book will be little more than a rehash of all the things Angie has already told herself.) But it's bodyguard Brett's tell-all that may deliver the most bitter blow, says a source. (Sidebar: That should be ..."ex-bodyguard Mickey Brett, won't deliver any blows because Brett's tell-all has been stopped in its tracks by one of the most powerful entertainment law firms in the world.")

"Angelina trusted Mickey with her kids and her life," the source explains. She always felt protected with him. Now she's devastated to hear that he's talking about her private life. I doubt she'll ever get too chummy with a bodyguard again. She learned her lesson." (Sidebar: I think this faux quote fulfills Star's "1% Real Fruit Juice" quota for the article. I'm sure Angie called Mickey herself and gave him an earful. Then again, Mickey had nothing but nice things to say about HER. I doubt she'd ever make Assley's wet dreams come true and sic him on Brad IF they split. Sorry, Ass. You and your alters are on your own.)


COVER STORY PHOTO - B/A/Z/S exiting the Stop & Shop on Long Island

CAPTION - Sure, Angie is now a great mom t her six kids (there's another on the way) - but she's got lots of skeletons in her closet! (Sidebar: Yes, Star is STILL pimping their fake pregnancy...)

SIDEBAR: ANGIE SLEPT WITH HER MOM'S BOYFRIEND... (includes a photo of Angie & her mother at the Original Sin premiere - they cropped Jacqueline Bissett out of the photo)

A tell-all could reveal that after hooking up with her mother Marcheline's boyfriend, "Angie cried and begged march to forgive her," an insider tells Star. "Of course, March did." (Sidebar of my own: Lying about sleeping with a dead woman's boyfriend? Thank God Angie's mother didn't live to see this bullshit.)

...AND SHARED A BED WITH HER BROTHER! (includes the obligatory pic of Angie kissing James after she won her Oscar)

The truth about Angie's strange relationship with her brother James Haven, whom she kissed on the lips at the Oscars in 2000, may finally be revealed. "I've heard that she'd creep into his bed when they were in their teens," says Morton. (Sidebar of my own: Wow...that seals it for me...he "heard". Guess it must be true, then. In her teens? Umm...pardon me for pointing this out, but when she was 14 her boyfriend moved into their house with them...so did she bring her boyfriend along on the trips to James' room? Seriously, WTF is wrong with people? Teenage siblings of the opposite sex sleeping in the same bed, so they MUST be having an incestuous relationship? These people need to sign up for Maury's show and stop projecting their own slimy perversions on everyone else. And why is all of this shit Angie's fault? All of these men Star has accused her of "seducing" are older than she is and supposedly responsibility and maturity comes with age, so why are they getting a free pass and Angie's being made into a big ole X-type ho?)

SIDEBAR - SHE CHEATED ON BRAD!

Photo - Brad outside the Standard hotel two weeks ago with a big cut-out circle proclaiming "BOMBSHELL TELL-ALL!"...The big ass caption is just in case you forgot that Star is giving you a first look at info that Morton has yet to uncover because he's still "researching" Angie in L.A...

Brad may have fallen for Angie while he was still wed to Jennifer Aniston, but in the summer of 2007, Angie began cheating on him with a blonde, female rock superstar! "Mickey the bodyguard knew all about this relationship," an insider tells Star. (Sidebar of my own: This would be the same "insider" who SOLD OuttaTouch this SAME TALE 4 months ago...and UK tabloid Grazia 2 months before that. What a wonderful pedigree of truth & honesty, huh? This lie is a dog even X wouldn't make a movie with.) "And the details are pretty hot! Between the summer of 2007 and September 2008, Angie and this singer had sex about half a dozen times, and they hooked up a few times late at night, right on the beach in Malibu! (Sidebar: Wait a sec - Star just said Angie checked into hotels to have sex with women...now they're saying she was such a skank she did it on the beach instead. This story is like watching a cat play with a ball of yarn - it's one big fucking knotted mess.) Now Angie considers her a friend and doesn't want to tarnish her image with this coming out!" (Sidebar of my own: Let me start with the obvious - It's already been stated that Mickey has not been allowed a visa to enter the U.S., let alone a green card to work here, since the late 1990s. Therefore, any tales of a lesbian affair in Malibu, coming from Mickey, unless he claims Angie told him directly, would be here say or an outright lie. Secondly Angie wasn't in California, much less Malibu, very often from April 2007 to mid-October 2007; and she spent 6 1/2 months of 2008 very pregnant, the last 4 months of which she was in France, followed by spending 2 months in seclusion at their rented French estate. So...was she having lesbian sex while pregnant with Brad's child? Is this what Star really wants us to believe?

Since the Star has clearly forgotten where Angie (WITH BRAD and the kids) spent most of 2007, let me remind me. Using my memory (and Jared's archives!) I'm going to give Angie's very busy itinerary for the time period laid out in this sidebar - Summer (June 22) 2007 to September 2008 - and dare Star to show me where this woman had time to have lezbo relationships behind Brad backs...unless it was with Gwen Stefani while Shiloh & Kingston were having a play date! We all know Gavin swings both ways, why NOT Gwen? And she is blond...and she IS a "rock star". BTW - keep in mind that Angie told Marie Claire that Pax was sleeping in their bed after she brought him home from the orphanage (and the other kids would crawl in, too). She said he adjusted to life with them pretty quickly, but who knows how long he slept in their bed before he was able to sleep the night through on his own. She also said that she could only leave Pax with others for an hour or two at a time because he'd get scared, panic and started crying if she was gone too long.

Okay.. Here we go...

- Early-to-mid-June 2007: Promoting AMH in LA and NYC, followed by Brad's O13 premiere in LA. Probably spent a total of 8 days in Cali - worked the entire time, including an evening she and Brad spent with Daniel Pearl's parents, another evening showing AMH to the Daniel Pearl Foundation

- Mid-June 2007: Back in Prague for Wanted shoot; took a side trip to Bilbao with Brad; Brad spent 1 day in Berlin with his architect buds, so I guess she could have been cheating then, but the last time I checked Prague and Malibu are about 5,600 miles apart...

- Mid-to-late July 2007: Family on vacay in France

- Early August 2007: Family back in L.A. for TWO DAYS while Angie does voice work for KFP. Family then heads to Chicago for end of Wanted shoot

- First 2 weeks of August 2007: In Chicago shooting Wanted

- Third week of August 2007: In NO for a few days while Brad does some work on his Global Green project

- Last week of August 2007: Moved to NYC for Brad's BAR shoot, then to Venice, Deauville and Toronto FFs, 1 in DC for Angie to meet with Condi & Colin Powell while Brad was at the Washington Post researching his ill-fated SOP role as a journalist, but otherwise in NYC for about 6 weeks while Brad shot BAR and they both did the CGI

- Mid-Oct 2007 to early Dec 2007: Back to LA for Changeling shoot, which began on Oct 16. Also had the LA Beowulf premiere, then to London for 1 day for the Beowulf premiere their. In November she cancelled a trip to Italy, due to illness, to speak at some charity event that was presenting her with an award. Otherwise she worked on Changeling 5 days a week...and judging from what she said in the USA Today interview with Clint, she spend all her time in between shots knockin' boots with Brad in her trailer. Considering how Star spent this entire time saying Angie was too "scarily skinny" and knockin' at death's door because she refused to eat... you'd think the woman would have been too tired for a little lezbo nookie on the side!

- Early Dec 2007: Back in NO where Brad announced his MIR project. Oooh...On Dec 8/9 Brad and Angie went to Vegas for the Hatton/Mayweather fight...WITH GWEN & GAVIN! So there you have it - it's Gwen Stefani! Okay, okay...forget they were in public most of the time and nobody reported, let alone video-taped, any lezbo sex acts between them! This is Star we're talking about...

- Mid-December 2007: Back to LA for a week or so while Brad pimps MIR on talk shows around the country. All his spots were filmed in LA, so settle down trolls. At this point Angie was already pregnant and knew it. But maybe that's an aphrodisiac for her fictitious lesbian lover....

- Late Dec 2007: Back in NO for the holidays; followed by a trip to Missouri

- Early January 2008: Back to LA for awards season where everyone wondered if Angie was preggers at the CCA's and then her cleavage was on display at the SAGs. Once again, Star, Angie is pregnant...by Brad...NOT the fictitious lesbian lover. BUT...let's not forget that Angie did the VF photoshoot at Malibu house around this time...except... it was with dozens of people from VF present and no lesbian lover anywhere around. Drats! Foiled again!

- Early February 2008: Angie's honored at the Santa Barbara Film Festival...make that A STILL PREGNANT BY BRAD PITT'S SPERM ANGELINA JOLIE. The family then heads to Mammoth Mountain for a few days of skiing and snowboard. Followed by dinner with the Eastwoods, then Angie goes to Iraq - sans her lesbian lover who was waiting in vain for her on the beach in the 'Bu. When she returns to LA 4 days later they head to the Ind Spirit Awards where Angie's pregnancy was revealed...and the fictitious lesbian lover wept...

- Late Feb 2008: The day after the Night Before party that the tabs touted as the first Angie/Brad/X showdown the family shows up in Austin, TX for TOL shoot. Angie's already 3 1/2 months preggers...and once again, Austin, TX is nowhere near Malibu, CA.

- Mid-March 2008: The family goes to NO for Brad's the CGI event with Bill Clinton; then back to TX to complete TOL shoot. During this time the Star had a story claiming Brad and Angie had married in NO. When Peeps and US debunked their story, Bonnie Fuller, at the time she still oversaw Star, then tried to bribe a clergyman at a church in NO to get him to say he'd performed the wedding ceremony. The preacher refused and told everyone about the bribe attempt' Bonnie was later fired, but alas, it had little to do with the failed bribe attempt than with Star's plunging circ numbers. Angie also went to Washington DC for 2 days during this time. She took Maddox & Pax and met up with Marianne Pearl to present her with an award. Since Marianne is neither blonde nor a rock star, Star is crossing her off the list of potential lesbian lovers.

Mid-April 2008: Family heads back to LA for about a week, then decamps for Paul Allen's villa in southern France. At this point Angie's belly is waaaaaaay out there. Once again...maybe this fictitious lesbian lover has a thing for hugely pregnant women carrying not 1, but 2, of Brad Pitt's babies.

April 29, 2008: E! reports that the J-Ps are in France.

May - September 30, 2008: The family is in France, where they stayed at various abodes, sans Angie's fictitious lesbian lover, for the birth of the twins, Angie's recovery, family bonding time with the kids, grandparents and extended family until they return to the U.S. in the wee morning hours of October 2, 2008 for the Changeling premiere at the NYFF. Brad, however, did take trips to the Venice FF at the end of August 2008 and the Toronto IFF in early September; and also started shooting IB in Germany before the rest of the family moved there to be with him. However, this is all extraneous info and I'm rubbing salt in Star's open, puss-filled wound because they claim the fictitious affair ended by September 2008. I was just being mean. Shame on me, huh?

And that, folks, is how you kneecap a bitch. Idiotic stories that give specific timelines for fictitious events are a big no-no in tabloid journalism. It's far too easy to prove they're lying. Were there opportunities during this time for Angie to have an affair? Sure. Then again, there were opportunities during this time for Angie cure cancer, end the war in Iraq and accidentally run over X with a luxury SUV...but she didn't do any of that shit either, did she?)

6 comments:

piper, with a low said...

Hey PT,

Thanks for the report. The only thing I would add is that Gwen S. was the subject of pregnancy rumors around the time of the JP-Rossdale double date. So essentially, according to Star Magazine, Angelina and Gwen 'trysted' while both were pregnant.

Two pregnant women getting down on a Malibu beach and no one thought of snapping a pic?

alexzilel said...

this is so ridiculous OMG, so funny, who would believe this shit, yeah I know who.
The best part was the Jennifer lost oscars hahahahha

Nedda said...

I'm used to "STAR" bullshit but this time I actually puked. I'm totally disgusted and I really hope that Angie and Brad have moved their lawyers and sue them such a high pay that they'll go around without undies with their f***ing muffin blowing in the wind and I'm a lady excuse me!!! You know what really gets me is all their BS will arrive on gossip magazines in Europe and some idiots even believe what they read in these mags...
How high is the IQ of these readers??? Come on pleeez I am interested...
Thx PTT but I would really love you to consider opening a real site Anti-IUC/STAR/LIFE&BS etc etc
bbl

Anonymous said...

It's funny how people think the blonde female rockstar is Gwen Stefani! When the news first broke out, they said it was a famous popstar, then they say rockstar. It only points to one person. P!nk. Helloo!! Gwen is not that famous in the UK where Mickey the bodyguard comes from. P!nk just sold out 5 dates at the 02 arena which is a 20 k seater. During summer 2007 to Sept 2008 she lived in Malibu, divorced Carey Hart, was not touring except for maybe a month in Germany and Switzerland. Reconciled with Carey by end of Sept 2008. Plus judging by the only female lover that angelina was with (Jenny sumthin), she matches her type. Short hair, butch and hot. Didnt angie say sumthin about looking for someone who can dominate her instead of the other way round?. Pink looks totally the type to be able to slap her around!! hehe

Cinnabana said...

As you usual you are supreme. Love your tab report and your analysis is Priceless. Thank you.

Cinnabana said...

Hey Anonymous,

The point is that Angie did not have an affair with any rock star, whether it is Gwen or Pink. The Rag made the whole thing up so why bother speculating on the identity since it is a false reporting.

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