45 Minutes Of Your Life You'll Never Get Back aka 49 Pages of Lies As Told To You By Mr. IUC
Yeah, I know...long ass title, but it's the truth. If it takes you more than 45 minutes to read this mess, then it'll be because you had to stop frequently more frequently than I did to recover from fits of laughter. A baboon could have cobbled this mess together with a 6-pack and 15 minutes of Googling - and been more accurate. This shit is all over the place. Chronology, non-tabloid sources, named sources, and the TRUTH are NOT Mr. IUC's friends.
If you don't want to waste 45 minutes of your life, here's the Cliff's Note's version -
- Ticky did so want babies! It's just that Brad didn't want her to be the mother of HIS babies...I kid, hens, I kid...except Brad said he didn't...
- Angie's the one who leaked to the media that Ticky didn't want babies. So says his unnamed sources. It was her "scheme" to distract the media from claiming she home-wrecked Ticky's perfect marriage
- Angie's manipulated her entire public image to remove the stink of her "wildchild" past. Enter Brooke Barnes and his NYT aricle, which Mr. IUC doesn't tell his readers was debunked by the NYT's own omsbudsman making Barnes look like an incompetent fool
- Wait...it's not really Angie manipulating her public persona after all...It's all Geyer Kosinski's doing...
- Oops...what's that? It''s really Trevor Nielson's doing? Fuck...I can't keep up...
- Angie's a baby collector...but you already knew that...and then she turned Brad into a baby collector...even though Mr. IUC said in a previous chapter that both Angie and Brad had years earlier each said separately that they wanted 7 kids
- Enter tabloid-sourced recountings of Z's adoption
- Now it's time for a break from Brad and Angie's story to tell you all about the great work Madge did in Malawi and how Angie "snarked" at her adoption even though her own adoption agencies had some shady issues - that had nothing to do with Angie which Mr. IUC dances around. Other celebs who's charity work gets a shout out include curmudgeon Rupert Everett, David Letterman and Dolly Parton...and no...I'm not kidding...
- After jumping forward to 2008 and the twin's Peeps photos within a few sentences he's back to Angie's adoptions...2007 and Pax to be specific. Except...he says it's Dec 2006 and Maddox's adoption. This is why I said there was no editor for lame ass bullshit. Talk about an OBVIOUS big ass mistake. Anyway...he claimed Trevor Nielsen was behind the whole Peeps spread...even though he'd already cited Barnes' NYT story which said it was Angie's doing. Fuck...Mr. IUC couldn't even get the right kid. Plus he says Trevor Nielsen sent out a letter demanding positive coverage of Cambodia. Again - this was debunked not just by the NYT itself but Peeps as well. But, you can't expect Mr. IUC to mention that when he couldn't get the date of the adoption right - March 2007 - or the name of the kid - Pax not Maddox.
- Angie and Brad are only doing humanitarian work to distract from their cheating scandal and rebuild their images
- Uh...nevermind...those pesky unnamed sources say they're too legit to quit and do "a helluva lot of good"
- Hey...let's hide in the bushes outside a French chateau with a fictitious French ratzi with the only name French people ever name their male children. Yep - Thierry! Original, right? Mr. IUC wants you to know that he feels "tawdry" and "dirty" hiding with the riffraff that is the ratzi...cuz...he's soooooo much better than they are. Again...I'm not kidding.
- Mr. IUC says at this point in his journey of discovery he's come to realize everything written about Brad and Angie's relationship is "completely untrue"...and he means everyone else's lies not his own...which he'll prove at the end of the book by regurgitating them without admitting they're HIS rumors...
- For some reason...he's now back to how great a humanitarian Angie is and despite his being snarky by calling her "Saint Angie" his unnamed videographer friend who shows him a scathing documentary on Mother Theresa tells him that compared to the fraud that Mother Theresa was - Angie IS a saint.
- But...she and Brad are faking their relationship. Along come his pesky unnamed sources again, one supposedly at Plan B (which he refers to a "Plan B Productions" when it's really "Plan B Entertainment" - again...where's the editor?) says they can't say if the two are really in love but they'd both die for their kids
- Since they're not really in love...they cheat on each other...a lot. Although...if they're not really in love and agree they're not really in love...is it really cheating? That's me asking, not Mr. IUC stating the obvious flaw in his tabloid rumors recital
- The last few pages devolves into what's basically a first person op-ed of Mr. IUC listing tabloid rumors and accusations leveled at Angie and a few at Brad - she says she's retiring and never does, she's a workaholic, she's a doing drugs to stay thin (he claimed on his website that it was smack and methodone, revises it to meth for book), she has a female lover who's a famous pop star, Brad's a pot head who's obsessed with legalizing maryjane, she may or may not still be cheating with Shitzu and may have still being doing Shitzu in 2005 since Shitzu said in a 2005 British interview that they'd never ended the relationship...without admitting that Shitzu is\was a pathological liar who sold Angie out for drug money and that Angie hadn't seen Shitzu in person since the April 2003 LCTR:COL premiere (which Shitzu took her girlfriend to and later admitted that was the last time she'd actually physically seen Angie). He does go on to say that in 2009 Shitzu said it wasn't true that they were still lovers and that some hack drags it up every few years but it ain't true. Then he claims that Brad had an affair with a Sudanese model named Amma, which HE was the one to report on his blog and claimed she was preggers and going to confront Brad at Cannes (in 2009 at the IB premiere) and it never happened...but Mr. IUC doesn't mention any of that in the book. He also wants you to know that he "painstakingly" researched rumors that Brad and Ticky were hooking up and/or still friends - and it's bogus. However, he then goes on to quote my good buddy Mel'sALyingSackofBurningShit, the author of many of the aforementioned fake "Brad still loves Jen" stories when she was at OuttaTouch, who says Brad and Angie will be over in 18 months while he himself says they'll be dunzo by Dec 2010.
- He winds up this pantload of caca by talking about the culture of "Jolie-haters", one of which is the in-bred, rabble of lackwits at his own blog - again, without stating that he's one of the biggest Jolie-haters out here; Mickey's non-existent book which Mickey denied trying to sell but the agent who was attempting to broker it swears he did. He says Marty Singer said Mickey's a big ass liar and that the ghost-author made up a bunch of shit to hype interest in the book. One items is the story about the female rock star who was supposedly Angie's lover. When OuttaTouch reported it they claimed that Mickey set up the hotel reservations and guarded Angie while she had a series of hookups with this chick at an LA area hotel. The problem with that is - Mickey hasn't been allowed in the US since 2000 or 2001 when he worked for Tiny Tom and Nic Kidman. But...again...no admission of that from Mr. IUC - or even any indication that he knows Mickey is persona non grata in the U.S. And lastly - the relationship is real, they're in love...but Angie's emotionally volatile, unstable, has a terrible temper, flies off the handle, blah, blah, blah. Another unnamed source, supposedly from the M&MS set says they're "really into each other" but "she's erratic". Don't know how he managed to find all these unnamed sources when just about everyone who's worked with Angie on set has nothing but nice things to say about her. Hmmm...makes you wonder if maybe...gasp...he made them up? Nahh....a professional liar would NEVER do sumpin' like that...
- And because this isn't really a biography - more like stream of consciousness babblings of a crackhead after doing a speedball and drinking a fifth of cheap whiskey - Mr. IUC offers a "conclusion" in which he sums up his drivel by saying Brad's a nice guy...Angie's a mess and eventually she'll come off her spool but will Brad still be there to put her back on it? Brad did that for Ticky for 6 1/2 years with no kids. Brad and Angie have 6 kids - so far, so that means Angie's good for at least another 40-50 years.
- Four years after his book came out and Mr. IUC has disappeared from his blog except to occasionally drop by and throw chum bait into the water for his "Jolie-hater" sharks to nibble on. Meanwhile Brad and Angie are very much still together and Angie is not only still on her spool - she's a Dame and Mr. IUC is a damned fool.
Without further ado...let the bullshit flinging begin...
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