Monday, June 29, 2009

This is Part 2 of the tabloid report for June magazines. It covers 2 issues of Lies & Shite and 1 issue of notOK! Part 3 will cover OuttaTouch. I'm going to call it "A Month of Fuckery"...and I'm being polite.

LIES & SHIT - JUNE 1, 2009

All of these tabs play fast & cute with the tag line they put on the covers about the stories inside, but one is just stupid - "ANGIE TAKES THE KIDS." A few issues back OuttaTocuh used the same tag line for Brad. The insinuation was that he took the kids away from Angie because they broke up. Of course once you get to the actual article you see that's now what the story is about. So the question is - Takes them where? Well, in the OUttaTouch Brad "took" Mad and Pax to Niagra Falls. In this issue of Lies & Shit Angie "takes the kids"...because it's Brad's turn to work and Angie's turn to stay home with the kids. Lame, right? Well, both of these rags are still in business so that means there's a ton of really stupid people out there who can't add 1 plus 1 and get two.

LIES & SHIT - JUNE 8, 2009

This issue was a story about Angie "putting her life on the line" doing stunts. It featured a photo of Angie hanging off the side of a building in NYC and talked about the little nick she got on the forehead like she's lost a leg in a war and couldn't walk anymore. I didn't even bother taking notes on this garbage.

LIES & SHIT - JUNE 15, 2009


Brad Pitt's so excited about adding to his family that he let some secrets slip!

Brad Pitt was surrounded by fans and fellow stars after the Cannes Film Festival premiere of his movie Inglourious Basterds. But his focus at the May 20 after party was on people who weren't there: his six young children. "I have the most beautiful family," Brad told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper. "What else can a guy wants?" (Sidebar: L&S starts out with their 1% of the truth for this'll be all downhill from here...)

A seventh child apparently! Noting that he and Angelina Jolie are " have children from around the world," Brad blurted, "They're all fantastic, and we'd love another. Who knows, maybe we'll have one in London."


Brad, 45, didn't specify whether he and Angie, 34, would adopt again or try for another biological child, but he left a lot of hints, says the Daily Mirror's showbiz reporter, Sarah Tetteh, who spoke to Brad at the bash. "I got the feeling they'll definitely consider adopting again," Tetteh tells Life & Style. "He seemed open to more children from around the world." (Sidebar: I love it when one tabloid cites another. I guess they feel safe giving the name of their source because they're not competition in the US market. Doubt they'd be so gracious as to quote Peeps issue calling them all a bunch of lying frauds...)

While Brad mentioned London, where the Daily Mirror is based, he and Angie seem more likely to adopt from Africa, Zahara's homeland. (Sidebar: WTF? How did L&S get Brad and Angie adopting a British baby out "Who knows, maybe we'll HAVE ONE in London? "Have one" as in "give birth to" not "Have one brought to our hotel.") "Brad sounded so elated when talking about Zahara," notes Tetteh. "He had his hand to his heart, and he was gushing about her with so much passion. She's certainly the apple of his eye." (Sidebar: Two comments - Not that I doubt Brad gushing about his little Z, but why'd she leave that "apply of his eye" part out of her Daily Mirror story? Cuz...I'd have remembered that. I think this is where the "creative writing" kicks in. Secondly, I'm sure the reason the Daily Mirror left the gushing part out of their story was because it was about Z and not Shiloh. Well all know stories about the brown and yellow babies don't move product off the shelves...)

And back in 2006, Angelina said she and Brad wondered how to "balance the races so there's another African person in the house for Z, so there's another Asian person in the house for Madd." Months later, the couple adopted Pax from Vietnam, leaving Africa a likely next stop. (Sidebar: According to tabloid logic, which, I know is dodgy at best. What are they going to do if Brad and Angie decided to adopt a white African kid? There are white people in Africa. I hate to be the one to break that to the tabs, but...just saying...)


That's where they're most interested in adopting from next, confirms an insider, who notes there are other possibilities as well, including war-torn Chechnya or Haiti. And past reports have claimed the couple were close to adopting from India, the Philippines or Armenia, among other places. "Brad's proud to be the father of such an ethnically diverse family," says the insider. (Sidebar: I love how L&S doesn't say where these "reports" of adopting from India, the Phillippines, Chechnya, Haiti and Armenia originated. One of the basic principles of journalism - Never give the competition free advertising in your mag.)

One thing's certain: Angelina (who the Daily Mirror's Tetteh says seemed tired and under the weather at the party) (Sidebar: Those tabloid hack just can't help themselves. Wonder if they lie about everything in their own lives? It also makes me question how one finds so many people lacking in scruples? Is that something you specify in the employment ads? "Must have no conscience and be willing and able to lie through your teeth and show no remorse.") and Brad have enough love to go around. "Brad's eyes lit up at the mention of any of his kids," Tetteh told Life & Style. "It's clear he's an amazing father." (Sidebar: It's clear he's an amazing father becuase his eyes light up when you mention his kids? More baffling tabloid logic. You've never witnessed it...but he looks really happy when he talks about, so he must be amazing at it! Yeah...that makes sense. Not.)

PHOTO - Pic of Brad and Angie looking lovey-dovey at Cannes. (L&S and OuttaTouch have a bad habit of flipping photos 180 degrees. In almost all Cannes photos Brad is on the right and Angie is on the left. But in the photo L&S uses...Brad is on the left and Angie is on the right. It's very annoying and bad journalism too boot.)

CAPTION: "I'm the happiest man ever," Brad said, gushing about his kids. Last October, Angelina also told Today's Matt Lauer that the couple were thinking of adopting again. (Sidebar: Correction - Angie said they'd love to adopt again, not that they were thinking about it. L&S prolly doesn't see the difference between the two things...)

SIDEBAR - THEY ADD TO THEIR FAMILY ALMOST EVERY YEAR (aka An Excuse To print pix of Shiloh and the twins.)

Angelina was still married to Billy Bob Thornton when she adopted Maddox from Cambodia in 2002. Since getting together in 2004, (Sidebar: That's NOT a typo on my part.) Angie and Brad have either adopted or had at least one biological child every year (average time between kids: a little more than 11 months.) No wonder they're ready for their next baby! (Sidebar: Can't you hear the hen heads popping away? It's bad enough that Brad went running after Angie and knocked her up as soon as she said, "I'd like to try."...but now L&S has the two of them being a couple since 2004. Almost makes me shed a tear for poor, old fug X and her empty uterus. BBBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I kid, I kid...)

1. 10 MONTHS, 21 DAYS (pic of Z rocking her kiddie shades in D.C.)

With Brad by her side, Angie journeyed to Ethiopia to adopt Zahara on July 6, 2005. The next year, Brad legally adopted Z and Maddox. (Sidebar of my own: This is a landmark occasion. L&S admits that Brad has legally adopted Mad and Z. Remember this occasion because in a few week's you can throw it back in L&S's face when they go BACK to claiming Brad hasn't adopted Z and Mad...)

2. 9 MONTHS, 16 DAYS (pic of Shiloh holding a stuffed animal in DC)

On May 27, 2006, Angelia gave birth to Shiloh, her first biological child in the African country of Namibia. (Sidebar of my own: I should have counted how many pix of Shiloh they managed to put on these 2 pages...)

3. 15 MONTHS, 27 DAYS (pic of Pax running wild in NO at the MIR Mike Holmes house dedication)

The couple adopted son Pax, then already 3 years old, from an orphanage in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, on March 15, 2007. (Sidebar of my own: Hmmmm...I wonder if Pax gets to celebrate 2 birthdays every year...)

4. 11 MONTHS...AND COUNTING (pic of Knox & Viv at the Tokyo airport)

Angie delivered twins Knox and Vivienne in Nice, France, on July 12, 2008 - nearly a year ago. It's just about time for another! (Sidebar of my own: So they say NOW. As soon as the next child is announced L&S will be declaring they have too many and writing that the other kids are neglected because there's just too many of them for them to all be loved equally.)


NO = 79% (aka Nosy motherfuckers who are still pissed that Brad dumped Her Hairness and realize the more children he has with Angie the less chance they have of ever seeing the Golden Couple Kingdom restored in all its golden hair and gold-leathery skin splendor...)

YES - 21% (aka people who mind their own fucking business and keep the hell out of Angie's uterus.)

LIFE & STYLE - JUNE 22, 2009


As Angelina Jolie struggles to cope with another birthday, rising star Megan Fox threatens to take over her definite role - and push her aside.

Angelina Jolie celebrated her 34th birthday on June 4. But while she should have been relaxing with beau Brad Pitt and their six kids, she was instead being forced to watch her back. Just days earlier, Hollywood producers Dan Lin announced that he was planning a new installment of Angie's Tomb Raider series, which turned the actress into a star and has grossed a whopping $431 million worldwide. But he doesn't seem to be considering Angie for the lead this time around - because, he confessed, she's simply too old. (Sidebar: Angie's already turned them down 3 or 4 times because she said she doesn't have the time to do the physical training anymore. So what else can they do except recast the role and leave the character the same age she was when Angie played or make her even younger? But...SHHHHHHH...don't tell Lies & Shit.)

"Its a great origin story that we're going to tell," said Lin, who recently produced Terminator Salvation. "So it's a younger Lara Croft." (Sidebar: This is stupid because Angie was 25 when she played the role, so how could it be a "younger Lara Croft". Does he mean younger than ANGIE currently is? Cuz that's something else entirely. So basically what they're talking about is a Young Indiana Jones-type rip-off.) Anyone in particular in mind for the lead role? Transformers star Megan Fox, he noted, was a "no-brainer." (Sidebar: Notice that L&S doesn't explain that Lin didn't offer up MF's name himself. He was asked by a reporter outside the TS premiere if they'd consider MF for the role and he said, "That's a no brainer." He wasn't exactly saying it because he was offering her the role. He was saying it as in, "Duh. We wouldn't have thought of that if you hadn't brought it up.")

No wonder: Megan, a dark-haired beauty with full lips and an edgy reputation (Sidebar: Make that a MANUFACTURED "edgy reputation" that comes off more like Foot-in-Mouth Disease!), has often been compared to Angelina. But Angie isn't flattered by the comparison (Sidebar: I was going to take a poll and ask how many people think Angie even knows she's being stalked by MF, but I'm pretty sure the result would be ZERO.) - or the suggestion that Megan, 23, may be ready to replace her. "Angie is not thrilled about turning 34, to put it mildly," says a friend. "In fact, she's panicking a little. She feels that her age is started to undercut her choice of film roles - and it annoys her that Megan Fox is being touted as the 'new Angelina.'" (Sidebar: Oh yeah...Angie's so worried about lack of film roles that she has not one (Wanted), not two (Salt), not three (Scarpetta) but FOUR (Kathy Austin) possible franchises in the works. Meanwhile Megan Fox is sitting at home in front of her mirror practicing Angie's red carpet poses, studying Angie's photoshoot pix, downloading the entire photo gallery at Soulie Jolie, emulating aspects of Angie's life (see fake lesbian relationship) and practicing her denials of stealing from Angie and blaming comparisons on the media's lack of imagination. You'd think she'd should be too busy stalking Angie to do the LC movie.)


But that's exactly how Megan wants to be seen. Although her rep says she won't be doing Tomb Raider (Sidebar: Mainly because she hasn't been asked!) the young actress has modeled her career - and her appearance - after Angelina's. She's often stepped out in fashions and hairdos similar to Angie's and has covered herself in tattoos. And much as Angie followed 2001's Lara Croft: Tomb Raider with a sequel two years later, Megan's starring in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallewn, out June 24 - two years after the original. (Sidebar: Hell. All the stuff Megan Fox is ripping off...and THIS is the lame ass shit L&S decided to point out? Most sequels take two years to come out! Lame ass twits. Sheesh.)

Megan, even managed to get close to a member of Angelina's family. While Angie is long estranged from her father, Jon Voight, Megan co-starred with him in Transformers, which means she's likely to have been closer to him than Angie is. (Sidebar: Let's see...the original Transformers shot 3 years ago and JV is NOT in the sequel. Angie stated very clearly last year that she and her father have been in contact. Which, of course, makes Lies & Shit a pack of liars. But that's nothing new.)

Megan also talks about Angelina frequently, which may further cement her image as a younger version of the superstar. "I don't even consider her human," she told GQ last year. "She's like a superhuman goddess." Less flatteringly, she recently told FHM magazine she was "frightened" of Angelina, adding, "She is a powerful human being. She could eat me alive." (Sidebar: More selective editing - MF also said she was kidding. Not that she was...but she did deny it.)


Megan's strategy of positioning herself as the next Angelina appears to be working. "The only way to successfully reboot the Tom Raider series is by recasting Lara Croft with someone younger and sexier than Angelina Jolie," Hollywood producer Jeremy Stein tells Life & Style. "Megan Fox is one of the few actresses out there who can fit that bill. She's young, sexy, can handle action and she's the hottest young actress in Hollywood at the moment. Angelina is getting past her prime for action roles." (Sidebar: Now, I know what you're thinking - WHO THE FUCK IS JEREMY STEIN? Never fear, I have the answer - NOBODY. Not that the IMDB is 100% accurate, but they at least do a good job of creating an entry for anyone who's ever dipped their big toe in the entertainment biz. I looked up Mr. Jeremey Stein. The man has 3 credits. THREE. That's 1 less credit than Angie has possible franchises. The IMDB lists the following as Stein's credits -

Jack & Addie (2010) (pre-production)
The Photographer (2000)
"Mugshots" (2000) TV series (unknown episodes)

Jack & Addie (2010) (pre-production) (writer)
The Photographer (2000) (written by)
"Mugshots" (2000) TV series (unknown episodes)

Jack & Addie (2010) (pre-production) (producer)
The Photographer (2000) (producer)
"Mugshots" (2000) TV series (producer) (unknown episodes)

Yes, you have read correctly. L&S's big expert producer is a man who has not had a credit of any kind in tv or movies, or even radio, for almost 10 YEARS. TEN YEARS. And the only other credits to his name are for a movie and TV show I can almost guarantee that NOBODY READING THIS has ever heard of. Lord knows I've certainly never heard of it - or Jeremy Stein. He's probably Megan Fox's father and/or agent or sumpin'...)

Indeed, the New York Post recently ran a side-by-side comparison of the two actresses, noting that while Megan is "bursing with youthful enthusiasm," Angie is "bursting with babies." (Sidebar: I'm afraid I don't understand how having children means Angie is "getting past her prime" for action roles. Why is that even an issue? Harrison Ford is fucking 112 years old and just starred in one of the biggest action movies of 2008. No offense to Harrison, but if we can have a geriatric Indy, then why not a geriatric Evelyn Salt or Jane Smith?)


Naturally, Angelina - who skipped the June 6 wrap party for her movie Salt in NYC's Irving Mill (Sidebar: No she didn't. Guess the folks at L&S aren't privvy to the Peeps before it hits the streets, huh? BBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) - was not amused. "Angelina fears that Megan will be offered the roles Angie might still be right for," says the friend. "She is appalled to find herself considered too old to play an ingenue." (Sidebar: Uh...Lara Croft is NOT an "ingenue"...and stop confusing Angie with X. Angie has NEVER played an "ingenue" in her life, but X could easily headline a movie called, "The 40-Year-Old Ingenue.")

Whatever happens to her career, Angelina is confident her advancing age won't affect her family life. "Brad has tried to convince Angie she's aging beautifully," says the friend. Confirms an insider, "Angelina says Brad finds her sexier than ever." (Sidebar: I still can't see Angie wasting time worrying about MF stealing roles out from under her. Common sense says that if they gave the role to MF, then they weren't looking to make a good movie nor where they looking to make a profit. Name a Megan Fox movie that made money other than the 2 Transformer flix. Good. Fucking. Luck. Hell, she's not even the star of the Transformers movies. She's the obligatory "sexy girlfriend." I looked at her credits in the IMDB and saw she has more in common with X than Angie. She's a TV Girl who's trying to be a movie star. Just one of millions. But, she does have youth on her side. She can only get better as an actress...but X has pretty much tapped her well dry. Take it easy, Fanistons. I said "well" not "skin"...although...if the shoe fits...)

And it's not as though Angelina's in danger of fading into obscurity (Sidebar: At least not while the rags can still make a dime off her.): Forbes just named her the world's most powerful celebrity. But she's starting to be viewed more as an icon than a sex symbol - and she's simply not prepared for that to happen. "While Angie has planned to cut down on her acting work eventually, she wants it to be on her own time-table," says the friend. "She has said she plans to welcome growing old - but she clearly didn't expect it to be such an issue in her 30s." (Sidebar: Rest assured, Ange - it ain't an issue to anyone except magazines desperate to stay afloat and running out of semi-believable lies they can tell about you.)

PHOTOS - Angie rocking the LC wetsuit. Yet another reason MF couldn't play LC - she's only about 5'4" tall. Plus, she'd have to call her plastics man and asked him to replace her implants with some DDs or DDDs.


The producer of the next Tom Raider movie may consider Megan Fox to take over - but Angie's not about to go quietly! (Sidebar: "May" means possibly. Conversely "may" also means, possibly NOT.)


(pic of Angie's prayer tat for Mad & a pic of MF's Shakespeare butterfly quote, which I'm convinced she has no idea what it means and in her hillbilly ignorance chose it because it sounded intellectual and she figured, "I wanna be an actor and maybe people will take me seriously if I pretend to like Shakespeare...cuz all REAL ACTORS luv Shakespeare!")

Angie's famous for having at least 12 tattoos, including a Buddhist prayer on her back. Megan's eight tats include a Shakespearean quote in almost the same spot (Sidebar of my own: Uh...that should be, "...almost the exact same spot...except it's on the opposite shoulder, which would mean it's NOT in 'almost the exact same spot.'"), and she claims she's going to get a tattoo sleeve on her right arm!

2. SHE'S STEALING ANGELINA'S STYLE (pic of Angie's silk sheet Esquire cover and a pic of MF's trenchcoat, garter belt & stockings Esquire cover. The stupid thing is - this doesn't prove she's stealing Angie's style. If hey had chosen the M&MS dominatrix pix with Angie in the garter belt, stockings and trenchcoat...or any of the dozens of other pix where Fox has ripped off Angie's poses, mannerisms or style...THEN they'd have a point. Amateurs. That's why this rag is going under.)

Megan's worn Angelina-style dresses to events and has lately taken to posing on magazine covers in Angelina-like outfits. (Sidebar of my own: What do they mean "lately"? Did they miss the 2 years in between the last Transformers and the new one?)

3. SHE'S TALKING UP HER OWN BISEXUALITY (pic of MF with some chick. I have no idea who she is, but they're standing fairly close together, so of course it means they're totally having sex...even though the twit claimed the lesbian thing happened when she was 18 or 19 and this pic is from LAST Year...)

While Angie's admitted to having female lovers (Sidebar of my own: NO, Angie admitted to have had ONE female lover. Please point out interviews where she's stated otherwise.), Megan's boasted about her fling with "a stripper named Nikita," says she's obsessed with porn star Jenna Jameson and says actress Olivia Wilde is "so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands." (Sidebar: She also says she's not ripping off Angie and the comparisons are merely the media's laziness because they're not smart enough to come up with new angles for stories. In other words - liar, liar, pants on fire.)


1. SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT BEING SEEN AS A MOM FIRST, MOVIE STAR SECOND (pic of Angie with Pax, Z and Shiloh in NO last October)

Raising six kids with Brad has gotten Angelina a lot more attention than her movie roles recently. (Sidebar of my own: Golly, I wonder who's responsible for that...) Just four years ago FHM magazine named Angie its sexiest woman. IN 2008, Megan took the honor - while Angie was named "most stylish mom" by Hello! (Sidebar of my own: But still made the top 10 in the FHM list that year...but let's not tell the twats buying this shit about that.)

2. SHE'S TRYING TO LOOK YOUNGER (pic of Angie that L&S says is from Cannes on May 20, but there's no way it is because Angie's not wearing the pinkish dress. It's only a head shot, but she's clearly wearing some kind of black coat, no make up and the photo was taken at night in mediocre indoor light not sunlight. )

Angie's face showed signs of exhaustion and age at the Cannes Film Festival on May 20 (photo I described above). To help refresh her skin, Angie's reportedly using a new treatment called the Dermaroller - hundreds of tiny needles penetrate the pores, causing the face to produce collagen to repair the damage. The $700-per-session treatment promises youthful, glowing skin. (Sidebar of my own: Angie isn't using this, but after those busted ass pix of X from that half-assed awards ceremony the other night - somebody sign that bitch up for a quadruple session!)

3. SHE'S OUT TO PROVE SHE CAN STILL DO ACTION FLICKS - EVEN IF IT HURTS HER (pic of Angie on the Salt set - hanging off the side of the building with a bloody knee - a fake bloody knee, but L&S didn't share that with their readers)

Angie insisted on doing many of her own stunts on the set of her action movie Salt. But she was rushed to a hospital on May 29 after she bumped her head and got a nick between her eyes that started to bleed. Angie was back on the set later than day. (Sidebar of my own: Oh puh-leeze! BFD. Angie had worse injuries than that when she shot the first LC movie - she was 25 at the time. Plus, she's stated herself that she's a bit of a klutz.)

4. SHE'S STRUGGLING TO SHOW SHE'S STILL SEXY (2 pics - The first is Angie at the SAGs in the Max Azria backwards gown with a caption that reads - "BEFORE: COVERED UP). The second is of Angie in Cannes this year. Why this rag insists on flipping pix is beyond me. The first page of this story has a pic in the right direction - Angie's hair is over her left shoulder, which would mean the split in the dress is on her right leg. Yet in this pic they've done a mirror image and the hair is now over the right shoulder and the split is on the "left" leg. It looks like Angie flipped her hair and dress around. Instead it's just L&S fucking with the pix because they're layout department sucks and couldn't make a picture with the right-side split fit into the way the the sidebar is layed out. It's shoddy and ameteurish work that would flunk any J-school magazine layout and design course in the country...but I guess you get what you pay for. They probably could have hired some high school kids to lay this rag out better than this.)

Angelina always seemed effortlessly stunning on the red carpet, but these days she's doing whatever it takes to send the message that she's still alluring - like wearing this shockingly high-slit, flesh-color Versace Atelier gown at Cannes in May. "She was determined to show everybody she's still the sexiest actress out there," says an insider. (Sidebar: "These days" = 1 red carpet appearance. If Angie were trying to prove she's still sexy, I think she'd be making it a point to be seen in public wearing too tight clothes meant for a girl 20 years younger than she is. Or wearing fake plastic nips under too-tight t-shirts. Possibly even wearing a too-small bikini and sunning herself at Joe Francis' GGW Meh-hee-co retreat. Oh bad...that's X not Angie.)

LIES & SHIT - JUNE 29, 2009

This week Lies & Shit whipped the hopes of women around the world into overdrive with a claim that Brad would be getting nekkid in Moneyball. They based this on having gotten hold of a copy of the December 1, 2008 draft of the script by Steve Zaillian. Not two days after this issue came out Amy Pascal put a halt to production on the movie because she didn't like Steven Soderbergh's revised script. Meaning, Lies & Shit jumped the gun because the script they had was an older draft of the script. If you read the story from the ScriptShadow blog that Dulcinea13 posted on JJB M3B, then you'd see that supposedly the Zaillian draft of 12/1/2008 was being revised by Zaillian at Soderbergh's request and when he didn't get a script from Zaillian for 6 weeks, Soderbergh re-wrote the script himself and that was the version that Amy Pascal rejected. Supposedly. To top it all off - Brad had script approval and he hadn's signed off on Zaillian's 12/1/2008 version, but did sign off on the version Soderbergh turned in the week of June 15th. Supposedly. If any of that is true - then Lies & Shit jumped the gun and published a script that wsn't being made, therefore most probably meaning Brad is NOT doing a nude scene in Moneyball. Don'tch just love it when the J-Ps thwart the tabloids?

BTW - If you haven't read the post on the ScriptShadow blog the link is below...

notOK! - JUNE 22, 2009

I'm throwing this notOK story in because it's a primo example of how far out to sea these hosers are. The first 2 weeks of June they tried to change the format of the mag and didn't really have any gossip. They had a bunch of style and make-up shit. When that didn't sell, they hired Mr. Fired Editor Of L&S aka Mark Pasetsky of as a consultant to help them juice up their covers and content. They then went back to doing gossip. The first with Pasetsky on board (June 15 issue) they ran a 6 page story on the homes Brad and Angie live in. Amazingly the rundown of Brad & Angie's multi-million dollar real estate holdings didn't help sales, so this week they're back to doing what they do best - be the last man on the pile. Last on, first off...just liking losing weight.

As you read the story notice how they're basically saying, "We got our info from the other tabs that have been pimping this bullshit for the last month or two."


Rumors that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are headed to Splitsville continue to swirl

By Shauna Bass

Long work days, the stress of carrying for six kids and non-stop travel would be enough to strain the most stable of relationships - and it's no different for Brad Pitt, 45, and Angelina Jolie, 34. Indeed, the Hollywood supercouple, whose romance once seemed invulnerable to the stress of public scrutiny, has been struggling to keep it together. "Without a doubt, there are problems," a source tells OK! (Sidebar: "Without a doubt" they don't have a source.)

Every since February, when the duo moved to New York so Jolie could begin filming the spy thriller Salt, "something has been off," says the insider. And though the couple's rep recently dismissed breakup rumors, OK!'s source confirms that these days, the two "are often not on the same page." (Sidebar: In other words, "We know they're not having any problems, but our sales are down so we gotta do something to get people to buy the mag again.")

Jolie's work schedule is in part to blame. The actress has been spending 12 hours a day on the Salt set. "Angie's constantly tired, and whenever anyone suggests taking time off, she brushes them away," says the source. (Sidebar: Somebody at notOK! must not have gotten the memo from that there's a shooting schedule to be kept and roughly $100 MILLION riding on getting the movie in on schedule. "Taking time off" was NOT an option.)

For the past few months, Pitt has been the primary caregiver of the couple's six children - do the name and age thing here. But he, too, will soon head back to work. Production on his new film, Moneyball, was scheduled to begin in L.A. this week, and he's in the midst of launching the next phase of Make It Right, his New Orleans-based charity.

The pair can't even see eye to eye on the little things, like presents for the kids. When Pitt bought Maddox and Pax matching emerald green Sony Vaio P Series notebooks (Sidebar: Ooh, looks like notOK! has a new advertiser! Damn...this'll probably give them a 2-week extension before they have to declare bankruptcy and fold. Total bummerage.), Jolie scolded him. "She got angry that he favored the boys with gifts and left the girls out," says the pal. (Sidebar: GMAFB. As Angie put it - Z can get anything out of her daddy that she wants. Shiloh may still be in training, but Z is not selfish...she'd hook Shiloh up with the goods, too.)

So just where does this leave the troubled twosome? For now, the entire Jolie-Pitt crew is still based on Long Island's North Shore, (Sidebar: Uh...NOT. Even as this rag went to press last week Angie and Brad were spotted in Washington DC. I just LMAO every time one of these craptoids presumes to think they know where the Jolie-Pitts are. They're wrong every damned time.) where they celebrated Jolie's 34th birthday (June 4) with a custom-made Carvel ice cream cake. Soon, however, the family is expected to relocate to L.A., (Sidebar: Congrats to notOk! The only tab this week to not say Angie and the kids were heading to France while Brad was heading to L.A.! That lurking at Jared's and JJB finally paid off for 'em.) where the two megastars hope a change of scenery will render their problems a thing of the past. "They love each other," adds the pal. "They are trying to work this out for the sake of the kids." (Sidebar: Meanwhile the tabs will keep pulling stories out of their collective asses.)


That wraps up Part 2. Hopefully I'll have Part 3 up sometime Tuesday. It's going to be REALLY, REALLY LONG because OuttaTouch had 6 page Brad & Angie stories every week in June. I honestly don't know how 1 magazine can come up with so much crap on a continuing basis...


Thursday, June 25, 2009

This is Part I of a very long tab report. The length of the report is mainly due to my incredible laziness and also to getting sidetracked on another project. I've had some of these stories typed up for a few weeks and just never got around to uploading it and formatting the story so that my comments are in a different color from the story itself.

Before I get into this section of the report, let me just share with you guys some pictures of X that were e-mailed to me today. I don't know where they came from, but they're on the set of lastest bomb. Look closely at this fugly, orange, leathery, OLD, sourpuss of a mug. Then think about it as you read the caca tales from the tabs of Brad pining away for The Hair On Her Chinny Chin Chin One.

Homegirl's cheeks need another refill. Whatever she got done for that awards show a few weeks ago sure wore off quickly, didn't it?

Now on to the tabloids...

STAR - JUNE 1, 2009

I covered this issue of Star back when it came out. If you need a refresher click the link below...

STAR - JUNE 8, 2009

Brad and Angie had the week off except for a bit of crowing by Star on their "world exclusive" on Angie's latest fictitious pregnancy...

PHOTO - Brad & Angie posing for pix before the IB afterparty in Cannes

CAPTION - On April 27, in a world exclusive, Star revealed that Angie is pregnant Again, less than one year after she gave birth to her twins, Knox and Vivienne! And at the Cannes Film Festival her baby bump made it's debut! (Needless to say...Angie wasn't preggers...)

STAR - JUNE 15, 2009

Starting this issue Star ceases mentioning the fictitious pregnancy altogether. Just another lie brushed aside like it never existed...unless US Lies Weakly decides to give the Star the same Fake News compilation treatment they gave OuttaTouch...


Constant fighting, nasty mood swings, separate bedrooms. Brad just can't hadle Angie anymore - and he's turned to his ex!

By - same skanktards as usual - Jennifer Pearson, Casey Brennan and Suzanne Rozdeba (The fact that it takes 3 people to write this dreck is a very telling indication of why American Media is 2 rotten sales weeks away from bankruptcy.)

It's still on! So what if Angelina Jolie went ballistic when she cuaght Brad talking to his hex (typo, but I'm keeping it), Jennifer Aniston. Star has learned that Brad is still very much in touch (Sidebar: Note the use of "in touch". This is Star's way of acknowledging they stole this crappy storyline from OuttaTouch.) with Jen - and she's become his shoulder to cry on as he reveals intimate details of his rocky relationship with Angie. (Sidebar: This sentence may well have been lifted directly from an Aussie tab that claimed Angie said she was just a shoulder to cry on for Brad and they hadn't done the unskinny bop while he was leg-shackled to The Contact Lensed One.)

"Brad told Jen, 'I feel trapped,'" a source tells Star. "He says he can't leave, but he doesn't want to stay. (Sidebar: That's like old home week for Brad. He should know that feeling well - having felt it for the last 2 1/2 years of his marriage to X.) He's been confiding in Jen a lot lately." Brad really needs someone to lean on right now, the source adds, and Jen is his rock. (Sidebar: Puh-leeze. He couldn't even count on her to be there for him when they were married! And since she's still rockin' the same hairstyle and making the same movies she made when they were married, I think it's safe to the ho doesn't do change well, so her "supporting" Brad ain't an option.) "He's really struggling. He loves the kids, but the constant traveling, the endless film shoots and Angie wanting more kids...the tension between them is taking it's toll." (Sidebar: Endless film shoots? Oh yeah...that working 2 months a year is a killer! And all that constant traveling? Well, he's supposed to be the Stay-at-home-Dad right now, so he should keep his ass at home instead of tending to his many business ventures and professional obligations. Shame on Brad! What the hell is he thinking!)


The showdowns between Brad, 45, and Angelina, 34, are getting so bitter that their sex life is "basically non-existent.," a Pitt family friend tells Star. (Sidebar: Out of all the shit these tabs print...Brad and Angie not having sex has GOT to be THE DUMBEST of them all. Please. Those two could stand in the middle of a crowded theater, on opposite sides of the room, and have better sex eye-fucking each other than most of us could by engaging in the wildest sex act we could imagine.) And they're back to separate bedrooms again. "Brad says he hasn't slept with Angie for weeks. (Sidebar: See previous sidebar.) She gets ready for bed alone and locks the door to their bedroom and won't let him in."

The situation hit the boiling point in early May, when, as Star reported, Angie returned home early from filming to find her man on the phone with Jen. (Sidebar: It's been so long since I posted that story you may want to scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the archives link so you refresh your memories.) The couple then spent the weekend of May 30 thousands of miles apart. Angie stayed on the East Coast, filming her thriller Salt, while Brad partied in L.A. at the Spike TV Guys Choice Awards. (Sidebar: Let's see...she was working...and he was working. Yet Star finds it unusual that they could be on opposite coasts...WORKING...and still be together as a couple and a family. I feel sorry for the spouses of people working in the tabloid industry. Should they ever be on opposite coasts at the same time I guess their friends are all gossiping that they're splitting up. Surely that's how they come up with this lame ass shit?)

Jen was also in L.A., attending a party at Tom Hanks' house, and she left Brad a message on his cell pone asking him to meet her for lunch. "Brad returned her call to say he thought that would be great," says a source. But before they could meet, (Sidebar: Natch.) Brad got the inevitable call from Angie, demanding he fly back to NY right away. (Sidebar: Ummm...pardon me for pointing this out, but...I thought Angie wasn't speaking to him? Did she have a minion call?)

HEART-WRENCHING CALLS (More like "Gut emptying" calls...)

Frustrated Brad needs Jen more than ever, insiders say. He's turning to her for comfort and advice as the chill between he and Angie grows. (Sidebar: Oh yeah...the best way to get back on your spouse's good side is to start chatting up ex-wives who are stalking your current Mrs.) He told her that despite his devotion to the kids - name, rank and Social Security Numbers - he feels penned in. "If he could take off, he would, but he knows he can't and it's tearing him up inside," says the family friend. (Sidebar: For the SECOND TIME in the article. We get it. Brad's miserable and wants out, but he loves the cute little rugrats and he feels like Angie has his cajones in a vice grip. We get it. Can we move on now?)

PHOTO - Pic of Brad next to a pic of Her Fugness

Caption: "He told Jen he can't leave Angie and the kids - but he doesn't want to stay," an insider tells Star. (Sidebar: Ummm...why can't he leave? Did Pax nail gun him to the floor or sumpin'? Men leave their kids all the time - usually with the help of the PYT leading him away by his dick.)

PHOTO - pic of Angie in the black wig on the Salt set

Caption: THE CHILL FACTOR - The atmosphere in the Jolie-Pitt household is so frosty that "Brad and Angie rarely speak to each other," says a source, "unless it has something to do with the kids." (Sidebar: Then how'd she call him to tell him to come back to NYC? She get him on the line and tap it out in Morse Code? Or maybe she built a fire in the backyard of Rupe's estate and sent him smoke signals.)

STAR - JUNE 22, 2009


As Star has reported, Jen and Brad have been phoning and texting with more frequency in the past few weeks.

By Ilysa Panitz, Jennifer Pearson, Suzanne Rozdeba & John Bell (Oh joy, Star's got a new reporter on the story. Undoubtedly he's bringing that all-important gay male perspective to the table. )

After carefully crafting plans for a 1 a.m. rendezvous at New York's Gramercy Park Hotel, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston spent more than two hours alone together. And it's not the first time! Does Angelina know? (Sidebar: Why do they also ask that stupid question? If she didn't know, they just spilled the beans and now she does know. So is she supposed to call them up and say, "Hey Candace - Ange here. Thanks for the heads up that Brad met with that skanktard he used to be married to. That certainly explains all the squealing tires, running into the house looking crazed and demanding I wake up the kids, put them all in the specially armoured Suburban in the drive way, make sure I grabbed our passports and other international documents and hustled us onto a private plane at 2 in the fucking a.m.! We just landed in...oops...I can't tell you that...that would be a security breach and defeat the purpose of us having gone into hiding. Shoot...I gotta go now. Brad said the weapons expert was here to show us how to use the AK-47s, grenade launchers and armored tank. Mad's really excited because Brad promised him he could have a turn driving the Humvee. I figured, 'What the hell. He handled the go-carts pretty well for a 6 year-old...he should be a wiz of a dreiver now that he's almost 8!' Gotta go now. The sires just went off and there's a heli circling overhead. Apparently Little Miss Can't Move On has found us already!. Bye!" I mean...come on...asking if Angie knows about a fake meeting they created is just retarded...)

By Ilyssa Panitz, Jennifer Pearson, Suzanne Rozdeba & John Bell (Ooh, check out Star - got another new bitch on the beat this week. The other 2 usual suspects either didn't have the stomach for it anymore, quit, or are now on the Hohan beat. They've got a man on the story now, so things will soon be FUBAR. We all know how gossipy men are. Straight, gay...doesn't matter. They gossip more than women. They're like teenage girls at a slumber party. How many celeb gossip blogs are run by men? Exactly.)

As she rode in the back-seat of a chauffered black Escalade, Jennifer Aniston was excitedly texting her date, letting him know her exact location and just how long it would be before she'd finally be by his side. And when the ar pulled up to the Gramercy Park Hotel in Manhattan, she couldn't hold back any longer. She speed-dialed the number on her phone and breathlessly annouced, "Brad, I'm here!" (Sidebar: Unbeknownst to Star, "Brad" is also what X sometimes calls Norman. She swears it's an accidently, but sometimes it just slips out. Like...say...she's lying in bed late at night, all alone...just X, her Pearl Rabbit and the life-size blow-up Brad Pitt doll that she had custom-made by an erotic toys company on the internet who promised her they were very discreet. Obviously they lied because somehow I found out about it. Sometimes, in the throes of whatever, the buzzing noise stops...mid-buzz...and that's when X realizes she forgot to change the batteries and screams, "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!" Unfortunately for X, one night the butler heard her screaming...and came running into her bedroom with a baseball bat...and found the blow-up Brad doll...which X then explained was for Norman...because Norman missed Brad so much, but isn't very bright, so she was able to fool him with the doll. As X is explaining this the butler is slowly backing out of the room saying, "Yes, Ms. Aniston. Of course, Ms. Aniston. The doll is actually Norman's, Ms. Aniston." and as he closed the door and headed back down the hall to his own room, the butler said to himself, "I am soooooooooo selling this story to Star!" Unfortunately for Star though, the next morning the butler found a huge wad of cash in a bank envelope sitting outside his bedroom door. And so instead of Star getting the good story...all they got was a lame-ass story about X supposedly meeting Brad at a hotel in New York that was almost immediately refuted by all parties involved, with the hotel being the loudest in their denial of hosting said event.)


In a blockbuster exclusive, Star can reveal the driver who ferried Jen to her late-night get-together with her ex-husband, Brad Pitt, says that the former couople took great pains not to get caught during their secret hookup. (Sidebar: Yeah, they were so careful they didn't even tell the managers of the hotel that they'd be letting themselves into a secure, locked room at the back of the hotel that only employees have the keys to.) "It was in the wee hours of the morning, around 1 a.m.," the driver tells Star. "It was well planned so no one would see them. They were really careful not to be spotted." (Sidebar: I love how Star emphasizes that they were so stealthy no one knew they were there. Kinda like that old radio show & movie serials of "The Phantom" - "No one knows where The Phantom goes!" Like X is Caspar or something. Beetlejuice is more like it.)

And Brad's ex was more than ready for their face-to-face meeting, adds the chauffer, "She didn't seem nervous at all. Jen was relazsed, and she lookes so beautiful." (Sidebar: If you hadn't already guessed that Huvane leaked this story...there's your clue! The two of them always make sure a phrase about how great she looked is included in their leaks.)

But leading up to the rendezvous, Jen wasn't so cool. calm and collected as she gushed to pals about her plans to steal some time away with Brad. "She was beyond thrilled," one friend tells Star. "She was texting that she was about to see him and how happy she was. That afternoon, Jen could barely contain herself.!" (Sidebar: The reason X "could barely contain herself" had more to do with the blow she'd scored and snorted that day than it had to do with the prospect of seeing Brad again.)

But the hookup was well worth the wait. The driver explains that the pair spent more than two hours together in the back of the Gramercy's nearly deserted 18th floor Private Roof Club and Garden. (Sideabr: God, these people are such bad liars. How the fuck would the limo driver know where X was inside the hotel? HE WAS IN THE FUCKING CAR! And I'm pretty sure the Gramercy balks at their clientele bringing their limos inside the building, into the elevator and up to the 18th floor.) While sipping cocktails, the former husband and wife were finally able to have a heart-to-heart conversation about their lives without any distractions. (Sidebar: Uh...X has no life, so that means she spent 2 hours listening to Brad talk about Angie and the kids. Prolly not exactly what she envisioned.) "Jen later said she couldn't believe how handsome he looked," notes her pal. (Sidebar: WTF? He's Brad Fucking Pitt. He was handsome when he was married to her. He was handsome when he dumped her. DUh. It's not like he got custody of her fugness in the divorce settlement. He let her keep that and he kept his good looks. Each took out of the marriage what they brought in!) "They talked about his children, of course. And he asked her about her 'kids,' meaning her dogs." (Sidebar: Yeah, this was a scintillating convo. I can see why X was so stoked at the prospect of seeing Brad. Just what every dumpee wants - to spend 2 hours listening to your ex sing the praises of the offspring you weren't good enough to have for him. Let me backtrack - this would be the worst nightmare of any woman with a funtioning uterus who wanted kids and didn't have them. X probably just cocked her head to one side, twirled hair around her fingers, plastered on her patented Rachel Thinking Thoughts Face and while he was talking planned her next trip to Meh-hee-co or the next bad romcom she could foist on the world.)

Talk eventually turned to their present situations - especially Brad's problems with Angelina Jolie. "Jen listened as he opened up about her," continues the friend. (Sidebar: If I were one of X's Godless Circle members and she told me this crap I'd beat the shit out of her with a Dumbwater bottle and say, "What the fuck is wrong you? Get some fucking pride! The man dumped you on your big, fat Greek ass, walked away without a backward glance after 6 1/2 years together, then proceeded to have 6 kids with the same woman he denied having had an affair with the previous year! Now he comes whining to you because his new woman isn't as shallow and needy as you are? What part of 'YOU'RE AN IDIOT!' do you not understand?" But hey...that's just me. I like to keep it real when my friends are making fools of themselves.) "Brad said she isn't fun. He told Jen that's why he's trying to keep busy - so he can get away from Angelina to think things through!" (Sidebar: So now Star is claiming Angie is "no fun". I guess that's why Brad told an interviewer last fall that Angie was "so inventive" and "so creative" as a mother...which anyone who's inventive and creative with their kids is also going to be inventive and creative with their partner/spouse/lover. And then there's the fact that Brad told the W mag about the pix he shot for them months earlier -

“We have fun working together; these things bring you closer,” he says of the experience. “And let me tell you, it’s really sexy to see your loved one through the lens. I went much further [than the shot of Jolie breast-feeding]. I didn’t show those.”

Unlike Star and the other tabs, when I use quotes I like to give NAMES TO MY SOURCES...)

The memorable evening wasn't the first time Jen, 40, and Brad, 45, hooked up. They were shuttled around New York City in a black SUV on April 23, sipping Starbucks coffee and chatting. According to Jen's chauffer - one of several who drove her around the Big Apple while she was filming The Baster- the actress texted and phoned Brad while she was in the backseat of his car. (Sidebar: This is Star's way of covering their asses in case a legit news agency wants to talk to their souce. It also gives them an easy out when no one can find the person. "Oh, he was just one of 400 chauffers used on The Baster..." Not many news agencies are going to waste resources hunting down a 1 in 400 source from a tabloid story. There'd have to be a death or major scandal involved for it to be worth their while.) Their contact became increasingly frequent, leading up to their intimate night at the Gramercy.

But does Angelina know? (Sidebar: Star is practically begging Angie to pay attention to them and reward all their diligent hard work with an on-the-record denial. Which, BTW, this story DOES NOT include. Which means Star never contacted anyone's reps before publishing this baloney.) As Star has reported, she was livid when she first caught Brad talking to Jen on the phone. "When Angelina finds out about this reunion, she'll go ballistic. She goes crazy when Brad even mentions his ex," says an insider. "When she caught Brad talking to Jen on his cell phone recently, Angelina blew a fuse and started screaming at him." (Sidebar: Once again refer to the archives for a refresher. As I explained in the previous report, my source is impeccable and above reproach and swears that the version of the convos between Brad and X that she overheard and relayed to me is 100% accurate. Because I know you've all been concerned about the fate of Shiloh's Barbie doll I can happily tell you that Brad hung up on X just in the nick of time to rush over and snatch Barbie from Mad's grimey little paws, replete with Jaws music, just before Barbie's left arm and it's little plactic socket parted ways.)

L.A. HOOKUPS (Not to be confused with Porgie's L.A. hookERS...)

It doesn't look like the tension in the Jolie-Pitt household will easy anytime soon. Angelina, 34, is already having their rented chateau in the South of France prepared for her arrival. But Brad will stay behind in L.A. to work on his movie Moneyball. "Brad and Angie are going to be thousands of miles apart for most of the summer," says a source close to Angelina. "She's taking a personal trainer and a therapist with her, and her brother, James Haven, is staying at the chateau to help look after the kids." (Sidebar: This issue came out the same week as the Peeps with Brad & Angie on the cover and they included the info that angie and the kids would spend the summer in LA WITH Brad. I betcha all the tabs were scrambling to contact their imaginary sources for verification. Not. They don't give a shit. They just ingore all the stuff they've lied about that didn't happen, pull another lie out of their asses and keep on keeping on.)

That leaves both Brad and Jen in L.A., with plenty of opportunity for more hookups - something his mom Jane would love to see! (Sidebar: Uh...NOT. X is going to be in NYC filming her second bomb for 2010 with Gerry Butler, who'll be spending the summer wearing a codpiece AND a chastity belt to keep X from trying to get to his "dangly bits." (Er...I sorta stole that phrase from Spike on BtVS.))

"Jane and Jen have been talking a lot lately," a Pitt family source tells Star. "Jane is upset that Brad and Angie and kids won't visit them in Missouri (Sidebar: Uh...didn't Brad tell an interviewr last year that they go to Springfield a lot because "My mom would kill me if I didn't bring the grandkids..." or words to that effect. I guess nobody thought to share that tidbit with the folks at the Star.) - she even made an offhand comment to Angie about it recently. She told her that Jen and Brad would come to visit quite a bit but she and Brad rarely come to town!" (Sidebar: Bull. Shit. X could rarely be bothered to set foot in Springfield and the Pitts - including siblings' families - went to LA or Santa Barbara or some other major city where X could impress them with the level of her celebrity due to being Mrs. Brad Pitt. In their 6 1/2 years together X deigned to go to Springfield about half a dozen times. And she certainly couldn't be bothered to go for Jane & Bill's 40th wedding anniversary. That happened to coincide with her receiving the Best Actress award from the Hollywood Film Festival. In other words - it was a rinky-dink award at a fairly new film festival and X could have easily skipped. You know why she didn't? Because there were a lot of big names being honored at the awards presentation that year - for example, Martin Scorsese, Jody Foster, Tom Hanks and Jeffrey Katzenberg. You know X likes nothing better than to think she's on par with the cream of HW's A-list. Saying X's name in the same breath as Jodie Foster's should be one of the 7 deadly sins...and no, that was NOT a Seven pun..But if you think about it, it does qualify as greed, gluttony, lust, pride and envy, doesn't it? I also wonder how many times that night X got asked, "Jen, where's Brad at tonight?" And I'm sure Brad was treated to "wrath" up on his return. The on sin X didn't get to was sloth...cuz, apparently, the slag's a neat-freak...)

Engraged, Angelina told Brad that he needs to keep his mom from meddling, says the source. "But Jane's always secretly wanted Brad and Jen to get back together - and she thinks it could happen!" (Sidebar: Riiiiiiggggghhhhhhhttttt. Jane wants to see 6 of her precious grandchildren's hearts broken by daddy not being in their lives every day and only seeing him on weekends when they have to go visit him and The Orange Queen in their chintz and paisley wallpapered mansion.)

PHOTOS - 1 pic of the outside of the Gramercy Park Hotel, 1 pic of a conservatory/greenhouse garneny type room...presumably INSIDE the Gramercy...


The chic Gramercy Park Hotel in Manhattan has a romantic, exclusive rooftop garden where jen and Brad decided to meet. Surrounded by lush greenery, the space is decorated with small tables, cozy wicker chairs and twinkling lights overhead. (Sidebar: Sounds tres romantic, don't it? All that's missing are the plastic pink flamingos, a politically incorrect Black lawn jockey and a white picket fence.)

PHOTOS - Angie in NO (Oct 2008) with Z and Shiloh (poor Pax has been axed from the photo); another pic of Brad in LI, leaving Dunkin' Donuts, with Mad and Pax)


Brad and Angelina's kids - betcha thought you wouldn't to mentally list their names and ages for this article, didn'tcha? - can feel the tension between their parents. "The children are starting to be affected by this, especially Mad and Pax," a family friend tells Star. "Brad says they sense there are some major problems." (Sidebar: I have a real problem with grown ass adults who lie about little kids for a living. At what point does God say, "Enough of these fuckers!" and takes 'em all out with a big tidal wave or earthquake? Hell, I'd even settle for a plague of flesh-eating locusts. Just make them stop lying about kids - and old people, too. Yes Globe, I'm talking about you and your "Doris Day's insane" fuckery. The woman is 87. She's earned the right to be crazy if she wants to be! Sorry...I digressed...)

SIDEBAR - (Memories...misty water colored memories...of...) THE WAY WE WERE

Yes, that's right, folks. It's time for our quarterly look back at The Golden Couple being all golden and shit..courtesty of Star this time instead of Janice Mean and Us Lies Weakly....

1. OPENLY IN LOVE (pic of X and Brad at the Tibetan Freedom concert in mid-1998)

Brad and jen tried to keep their romance under wraps, but at the Tibetan Freedom concert in Washington, D.C., in June 1998, there was no hiding their attraction. (Sidebar of my own: This concert was about 6 weeks into their "dating". Wait...who am I kidding...they never "dated". Brad passed Go, collected 200 bucks and fucked her on their first "date"...then he moved into her house like 2 days later. Can we all say "Cheap ass skank of a hobag?" Anyslut - Brad was all for keeping it on the QT...X was the one who wanted to go public...infer from that (about how this pic got taken) what you will. Just remember who her publicist is, was and always will be.)

2. WEEDED BLISS (another typo that I'm keeping...The one and only wedding pic Brad allowed X to let Huvane distribute. Cindy G distributed nothing, issued no statements and merely confirmed that they'd gotten hitched. That's all I'm saying...)

On July 29, 2000, the couple said "I do" in front of 200 guests in a Malibu, Calif., mansion. They divorced five years later. (Sidebar of my own: Ummm...Brad told me to tell you guys that should read, "SEPARATED 4 1/2 YEARS LATER. LEGALLY DIVORCED 5 YEARS, 19 DAYS, 12 HOURS, 47 MINUTES AND 28.17 SECONDS LATER. DIVORCE PAPERWORK FINALIZED 5 YEARS, 2 MONTHS. 2 DAYS, 16 HOURS, 22 MINUTES AND 46.33 SECONDS LATER.'s not like he remembers it to the millisecond...just hundredths of a second.)

3. ARM IN ARM (pic of X and Brad "hiking". You'll see why hiking is in quotes in a second.)

They took a romantic hike IN BEVERLY HILLS in April 2001. (Sidebar of my own: Now ask yourself this - What the fuck would a "hike" in Beverly Hills consist of? Strolling past blocks and blocks of 10,000 square foot mansions with manicured lawns, gardens and landscaping, security gates with armed security personnel, passing the occasional Bentley or Rolls Royce or, if you get really lucky, you might see your 58-year-old next door neighbor heading to his brand spanking new souped up Porsche Carrera 4 with his new 25 year-old blond trophy wife who's fake tits are falling out of her too tight Max Azria Bandage Dress, while the skirt is riding up her ass and you can see not just Monday and Tuesday of next week, but also France...and if you look real closely you can see the price tag tattooed on her cooch.'re with the new Mrs. who's insecure about her homeliness, especially her huge honker and Leno-like chin... so you can't look too closely without hearing, "BBBBBRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD! DID YOU HEAR ME? QUIT STARING AT THAT SLUT AND STOP IGNORING ME! I'M TALKING TO YOU, DAMMIT!")

4. FAMILY AFFAIR (pic of Brad and X with his 'rents. Notice how you never see any pix of Brad and X with HER FAMILY show up in these rags. Yet they all snark that Angie was not speaking to her loser sperm-donor of a father. Brad was actually pretty close to John many pix have you seen of Brad and John A. together at a public event...let alone ratzi snaps? I can think of maybe 2. It would require looking at X pics for verification and I just ate lunch, so I'm gonna give that the old Pasadena.)

It was obvious at the November 2001 premiere of the film Spy Game in L.A. that Brad's parents, Bill and Jane, were fond of their then daughter-in-law. (Sidebar of my own: Pffft. Sure, everybody's smiling in the pic, but neither Jane nor Bill is paying a lick of attention to X - or Brad. They're looking straight into the camera and smiling. YOu NORMAL PEOPLE DO when their picture is being taken at a public function. And in rebuttal, courtesy of, here's a photo of Brad and Angie with his parents at the premiere of CCOBB in early December 2008. Damned if his 'rents don't look downright happy with their new DIL.)

STAR - JUNE 29, 2009

This was another week off for Brad & Angie. This was the week after Peeps' rumor-dispelling cover. There were no pix of either of them during the previous week, so Star had zippo after Peeps sank their battleship.

More to come later...The next part will cover Lies & Shit and notOK!...