Tuesday, April 21, 2009


This week I'm going to change the format a bit and divide the report into 2 sections. I've put the Brad & Angie stories first so people who don't want to laugh at X don't have to wade through the info if they don't want to. Then, in the "Bonus Coverage" section, there are recaps on 2 X stories from the Bauer rags.

Briseis - There is a hidden song lyric in the report...and if you (or anyone for that matter) finds it it I'm gonna be VERY impressed. It's not just finding the lyric...you've got to name the artist and song title. I will give you all a hint though - To most people the person is an obscure British singer/songwriter who Stateside would be considered a "One Hit Wonder"...and the song isn't the "one hit". Good luck!

BRAD AND ANGELINA HAVEN'T BEEN SEEN TOGETHER IN 48 DAYS! (Or as I like to call this - Shiloh Watch: The Parental Edition)

Brad Pitt is so frustrated with Angelina Jolie that he flies to France by himself to clear his head - and think about their future together.

After having a heated argument with Angelina Jolie shortly before Easter, Brad Pitt flew thousands of miles away to Marseilles - alone. "What could he be doing in France that's so important he couldn't be with his kids?" (Sidebar: Insert disdainful sniffing noise here.) airport employee Marie LeGrand, who spotted Brad on April 9, tells In Touch. (Sidebar: What business is it of Marie's? Brad's a 45-year-old man. If Angie doesn't keep him tied to the bed, then Marie needs to mind her own biz. Undoubtedly she's a disgruntled Faniston who's still mad that Brad dumped her idol.)

According to a friend (Sidebar: It's more like, "According to the troll we have working at JustJared.com," aka Assley) Brad's excuse to Angelina was that he needed to check on the renovations being done at Chateau Miraval, their $70 million mansion near Aix-en-Provence. (Sidebar: Let's all give Assley a round of applause for doing her job last week with all of her, "Why's he going to France alone?" posts.) But privately Brad confided in a friend (Sidebar: Assley's a busy troll, ain't she?) that he needed space "and time away from her." (Sidebar: Brad needed time away...so he flew 3,000+ miles, stayed 2 days and then was in such a hurry to stay in France that instead of taking a commercial flight back to the U.S. he hired a private plane and flew back under the tabs' radar.)

As In Touch has reported, Brad, 45, and Angelina, 33, are fighting so much that they aren't even sleeping in the same bed. (Sidebar: I love it when tabs reference themselves...and their original story cites other tabloids. I guess that's supposed to make it true.) And the couple has not been seen together publicly since February 25, (Sidebar: At this point you're supposed to act like you're the general public - or a troll or Faniston - and pretend like Brad and Angie haven't been spotted all over Long Island together in the last month.) when they took their kids to see The Lion King in New York City. (Sidebar: Oh brother. It was The Little Mermaid! How in the hell can these losers expect to be taken seriously when they can't get KNOWN details correct?) "That must be very confusing for the children," Dr. Gilda Carle, author of the new e-book 99 Prescriptions For Fidelity, tells In Touch. (Sidebar: I guess OT has Dr. Gilda on retainer. They quote her every week so she's either under contract or they're blackmailing her to get her to cooperate.) "All this instability is unhealthy. They need to see their parents together." (Sidebar: Get your minds out of the gutter! Dr. Gilda doesn't work for IUC!)

Brad is becoming more disconnected from Angelina every day. She's been busy filming Salt in New York, but in the rare moments she is home, "She screams nonstop at him," a pal reveals. (Sidebar: NOW you can put your minds in the gutter. Somehow I don't think Brad minds all the screaming. "Harder, harder!" "Faster!", "Slow down, baby, we've got all night." and "Oh God! Oh my God! Right there! Right there!" are phrases most men dream of hearing their women screaming.)

Brad resents her because he's been playing Mr. Mom to Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara, 4, Shiloh, 2, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 9 months for the last 6 weeks. "He's absolutely burned out," his close friend explains. "And he's tired of picking up the slack for Angelina. (Sidebar: Now OT has offended every mother on the planet. Brad's been on Mr. Mom duty a whole 6 weeks...doesn't even seen the kids from 9:00am to 3:30pm (or whatever school hours are in NYC, that's what they are here)...and he's "worn out" from taking them to school and picking them up...AND HE'S GOT A FUCKING DRIVER! It must be that 2 hours before school that the tabs say the nannies spend getting the kids ready that are tiring him out. Or maybe it's the 2 hours the tabs says the nannies spend after school and before dinner time getting the kids snacks and helping them change into play clothes. Then again...it could be the that whole hour he spends helping the kids eat their dinner that's tuckering him out. Or possibly that 2 hours of watching kiddie flix before the kids turn in at 7:30-8pm. In other words - the tabs say they've got "an army of nannies"...so what the hell is there left for Brad to do that would make him tired?) But Dr. Gilda says that running away is never the answer: "They have to communicate their feelings," before it's too late. (Sidebar: I take it back - Dr. Gilda is working for free...which explains how OuttaTouch can afford her services with their dwindling circulation making profits non-existent. My advice to them is to get an 8 Ball. It's much more entertaining than Dr. Gilda...and it's portable, too!)

OuttaTouch then offers up a slew of pix to prove the veracity of their latest tale of Jolie-Pitt marital woe:

1. Tense at the Oscars - Photo of Brad and Angie at the Oscars RC...looking slightly annoyed...may have been when they heard Gaycrest begging for an interview...

Brad and Angelina seemed strained at the Academy Awards in LA on February 22, when they came face-to-face with his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, for the very first time. (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, they were so tense they laughed and joked with the Peeps reporter...and smiled condescendingly at X as she flubbed her lines on stage.)

2. A public outing - Photo of the family exiting the theater on Feb 25

They took the kids, Maddox, Pax, Shiloh and Zahara to see the Broadway show, "The Lion King" in NYC. It was the last time the couple was photographed together. (Sidebar of my own: It's really sad when a magazine reports incorrect information...but TWICE ON THE SAME PAGE? No wonder their circ numbers are circling the drain. However...they did get to the crux of their problem - Brad and Angie won't stand still and let the razzi snap them so the tabs will have new pix to exploit. Why can't they just say that and save the drama?)

3. He's Mr. Mom while she's working

While Angelina films the thriller Salt, Brad has been taking care of their six kids, "24/7," his friend says. and it hasn't been easy. "The kids are out of control and the house is chaos," says another pal. (Sidebar of my own: Welcome to suburbia, Bradley. You want it, you need it, break your back to feed it, they're raising your body from the ground.)

4. He takes off

On April 9 Brad, wearing a pink necklace a family friend (Assley) says Zahara and Shiloh made for him, flew thousands of miles away to the south of France alone. "He was happy to get some space," a pal tells In Touch. (Sidebar of my own: OT, like Star, suffers from a severe case of If-we-say-it-often-enough-people-will-stop-wondering-if-we're-lying-and-think-we're-telling-the-truthitis.)


Four years and six kids later...PREGNANT AGAIN!

They've been fighting and were even sleeping in separate beds, but Brad and Angelina are having another bio baby - and it's brought them back from the brink.

by Jennifer Pearson, Heidi Parker, Casey Brennan & Ilyssa Panitz (As you know, when possible I like to give credit where credit is due for these tabloid stories. Wouldn't want anyone shortchanged on their brazilliance.)

And baby makes...seven! While they tried to keep the news under wraps until she was three months along, Star can exclusively reveal that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are adding another child to their clan! (Sidebar: It's so exclusive even Angie & Brad don't know about it!)

"Yes, Angie is pregnant," a family insider tells Star. "they'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible." (Sidebar: If they've been trying to get pregnant...why would she be shocked if were pregnant - regardless of whether or not they're fighting? This makes no sense whatsoever.)

But a source close to the 33-year-old actress confirms that Angie is about two and a half months along. "She's thrilled. she said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" (Sidebar: She knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it...BUT...she was shocked when it was positive. Somebody call Mr. Spock to unravel this illogical shit for me.)


The happy news has ended the silent treatment and bitter fighting that erupted, as Star exclusively reported, when Angie caught Brad, 45, warmly comforting a nanny in February. (Sidebar: "Warmly comforting" ROTFLMAO. Talk about some fancy dancing to keep the lawsuits at bay!)

While their four-year romance has always been passionate, it's also been a tumultuous, nonstop emotional roller coaster. (Sidebar: At least in tabloidland it has been. 27 breakup, 14 pregnancies and 8 "Jen comes between Brad and Angie!" tales a year would take a toll on any fictional heroine.) In fact, the couple were barely speaking and often sleeping apart when Brad flew solo to New Orleans to oversee his rebuilding project for a couple of days in late march. (Sidebar: It was 1 day, but I'm still going to celebrate that they got at least one grain of truth in the story.) Although Angie knew that she was expecting before Brad left town, she waited until he got back to tell him. The time apart, says a source, gave Angelina a chance to simmer down. And when Brad returned, she greeted him with the exciting news." (Sidebar: Ummm...if things were hunky dory between them since the end of March...then why has Star spent ALL OF APRIL telling us about NannyGate, separate bedrooms, Brad sleeping in a tent in the kids' rooms, incessant fighting, Mr. Mom overloaditis, etc, etc, etc?)

"It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them," says once source. Adds another, "It was a crazy moment - they almost split up, and now they're having a baby!" (Sidebar: Re-read this section but preface it with, "After wiping her brow and exhaling forcefully our source exclaimed 'Whew! Crisis averted!...")

Their love life is also sizzling again. Star has learned that on April 1, Angie's stylist Jen Rade picked up loads of lacy, silky negligees at the La Perla boutique in Beverly Hills to ship to her in New York! Angie loves looking sexy for Brad - even when she's pregnant, says the family insider. "They're making up for lost time in the bedroom." (Sidebar: Not too put too fine a point on this, but...they were supposedly "making up for lost time" during this entire month while Star has been talking about them fighting IN PRESENT, NOT PAST, TENSE! Do these dumb slags really not understand that this story makes them look like pathological, serial liars? Which they are, but typically the goal is to NOT let the public know that.)


While intense chemistry brought the couple together, their six children, Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara 4, Shiloh, 2, and twins Knox and Vivienne, 9 months are the glue that binds them. "They knew from the moment they fell in love that they wanted a huge family," says the insider. "Now they're adding another one, the romance is back and everything seems OK again." (Sidebar: I feel like busting out in a chorus of "You Light Up My Life.")

Angie only gave birth to the twins last July, but they had been trying for another baby for awhile. "They were hoping all along to get pregnant during the first half of the year," says another insider. (Sidebar: Yeah...right...Yet Angie was "surprised" when she saw the positive test results. I think everyone at the Star is suffering from a severe case of Mass Alzheimer's Disease. You can get that shit from the office water cooler, ya know. I guess Star figured Angie was planning on doing all over her own stunts for Salt...regardless of whether or not she was 4 months preggers and endangering her much desired baby's life. There's is absolutely no logic applied anywhere in this drivel.) Angelina has even been taking the fertility drug Clomid, and following a "fertility diet," a family friend tells the Star. (Sidebar: Brad and Angie's family friend just so happens to be editor of notOK magazine, Where, several weeks ago, they divulged in great detail that Angie was on a "fertility diet". WTF is a fertility diet? Do you eat nothing but spinach, oysters, avocados, pomegranates and asparagus...and drink the water from the "fertility spring" that Nic Kidman bathed in to get preggers?)

Angie's also supplementing her diet with prenatal vitamins - but she’s been battling cravings for Twinkies! "She's back to eating meat, veggies and fruit," says the first insider. "She usually eats a lot of junk or skips meals, but when she's expecting, she really tries to change that." (Sidebar: I guess the good folks at Star don't know about Angie's "extreme dieting" to lose 21 pounds in 21 days, huh? Cuz...that can't be good for the baby...)

Although she'll soon be showing, Angie and Brad haven't told the older kids about their new sibling yet. "They're waiting until Angie is at least three months along," says the family insider. "They don't want to jinx anything." (Sidebar: Soooooo...Brad and Angie haven't told their rugrats...but the Star feels no such need to maintain their silence. Thank God none of the kids can read beyond a 2nds grade level...wait...what am I saying...that's exactly Star's demo...) And with good reason - Angie struggled with gestational diabetes, edema and fatigue during her last pregnancy. (Sidebar: That's according to Star. Angie said she had no such problems. The doctor who delivered the twins only said they were delivering early for "the mother's comfort". He certainly never specified why Angie was is discomfort. It may have had something to do with the two 5 pound human beings staging a mini Troy battle scene for the most comfortable sleeping position. But...this is not my story. So far be it from me to interject a little truth into the proceedings...)

Angelina is also carefully keeping her baby news under wraps on the set of Salt. Although her bump isn't visible yet, (Sidebar: Note to the troll who claimed her brother was working on the Salt set on Long Island - The Star says you're full of caca. That's Spanish for "shit". I've got a hinky feeling that you're NOT bilingual.) "between every single take, she disappears into her own private area," says a set insider. "Her makeup and hair are done in complete privacy. (Sidebar: This would be due to the fact that baby bumps frequently first manifest themselves as large acne-like pustules on the forehead or chin. Months later they travel south and land in the uterus. Then voila! From zit to bump in 3 months flat.) She's especially particular about the wardrobe area." (Sidebar: I don't know why that would be the case if she's not showing? Or if her belly's not completely bulimic concave she always borrow X's excuse - "I had Mexican for dinner last night. Frijoles. I could blow at any minute. Consider yourselves warned!" NOTE TO TROLL: Frijoles is Spanish for "beans". I'll translate as I go because I wouldn't want to leave any of you behind scratching your asses wondering what I meant when everyone else has moved on to the next section.)

It's not easy being a working mom - and a pregnant one. "Angelina has morning sickness and is feeling nauseous a lot," the source says. "Her doctors have warned her about overdoing it too early in the pregnancy." (Sidebar: Oh goody...from now until Cannes the Star will have a running update of this fake pregnancy - replete with stories of Angie over-exerting herself and passing out on the set, Brad being afraid for the baby's life because Angie's - a) doing too much at home; b) insisting on doing her own stunts on the set despite carrying quadruplets; and c) the gestational diabetes, edema and fatigue have returned like Montezuma's Revenge. NOTE FOR THE TROLLS: If you don't know who Montezuma is or what his revenge was - Wikipedia.com. Use it, don't abuse it.)

And Angie has vowed to take it easy. "I'm not as ambitious as I used to be - my family is my priority," she told a British magazine. "After Salt, I'll take most of the rest of the year off." In fact, Brad plans to whisk Angie and the kids away for a relaxing vacation after filming ends. "He's looking into renting a place in Fiji or the Virgin Islands," says the source. Then the family will spend the summer at their Chateau in France, where Angie can hang out with the kids and enjoy her pregnancy - and her rekindled romance with Brad! (Sidebar: Didn't I see a story the other day that Moneyball is scheduled to start filming in June? It's gonna be interesting to see if the Star mistakes Oakland, CA for Southern France or Fiji.)

"She's absolutely loves being pregnant," the family insider tells Star. "Angie says that's when she feels the sexiest. And she says Brad can't resist her when she's pregnant. It makes them even crazier about each other." (Sidebar: Awwww...I'm so glad our two love birds have rekindled their romance! How sweet. I was sooooooooooooooooo worried about them!)

SIDEBAR - THE MOMENT SHE TOLD BRAD (pic of them at the CCA's with Angie looking over her shoulder and smiling at Brad)

It was magical. (Sidebar of my own: Why...it was just like a work of fiction!) Brad and Angie were on the verge of splitting after she walked in on him and the nanny. But when Brad returned to their rented mansion in Long Island, N.Y., from a trip to New Orleans, "Angie met him by the front door, looking gorgeous, and told him she was having a baby," a source tells Star. "Brad was shocked at first - I mean, he was just stunned. He literally swept Angelina off her feet and carried her into the house. He was laughing and crying and kissing her. It was very emotional for them both. The tension had been so thick around them these past few weeks, they weren't even speaking or sleeping together. Now the news of the pregnancy has changed everything." (Sidebar of my own: Jesus this dreck is worse than Danielle Steel and Barbara Cartland put together. Only a complete moron would believe that a couple with as many issues as Star claims Brad & Angie have would suddenly have a Hallmark reunion over a possible pregnancy. The problems don't cease to exist just because you're having a baby - in fact a pregnancy would just make it worse. I take back what I said earlier about 2nd grade, i.e. 8 year olds, being Star's demo. It's more like hydrocephalics wearing football helmets, 1/2" thick eye glasses and drool cups.)

SIDEBAR - SPECIAL DELIVERY - Pix detailing the birth places of the bio babies - Nice for the twins, Namibia for Shiloh..."New Orleans?" for "Baby #7" and it's dated "November 2009". (Now somebody help me with my math...It was April 14th when the Star went to press. If Angie is supposedly 2 1/2 months preggers...that puts conception back around the end of January or the first of February...back before Angie started Salt...when she knew she would be doing her own stunts...pregnant. Now the last time I checked a HUMAN pregnancy is 9 months...FEBRUARY, MARCH, APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER. But...Star says the baby's gonna be born in November. That's all I'm saying...)

Brad and Angie's rainbow tribe hails from all corners of the world! Adopted kids Maddox, Pax and Zahara were adopted (Sidebar of my own: The use of "adopted" twice is redundant. Guess the editor was sick the day they went to press.) from Cambodia, Vietnam and Ethiopia, and bio babies Shiloh and twins Knox and Vivienne were delivered in Namibia and France. So where will the newest bundle of joy make a grand entrance? (Sidebar of my own: My guess is she'll spring forth from Candace Trunzo's big ass forehead...) "Brad wants more than anything to have the baby born in the U.S.A.," says a source. "He's pushing for New Orleans because he loves it so much. Angelina hasn't said no - but she hasn't said yes. I bet she'll come up with somewhere totally different. That's her nature." (Sidebar: Angie's gonna choose to have the baby on Saturn. Hey, if Star can tell tall tales, then so can I!)

SIDEBAR - CHAOS IN THE CLASSROOM - picture of Brad with Maddox & Pax going to Mars 2112

While Angelina shoots her spy thriller Salt, sons Maddox and Pax are enrolled in a fancy private school nestled amid greenery on the North Shore of Long Island, N.Y. And Brad and Angie are ruffling feathers with their demands! "The other kids have been told not to bother Maddox or Pax," a source tells Star. "and everyone's been specifically told to never ask about Brad or Angelina. The children are a little freaked out!" (Sidebar of my own: Now why would the kids ask about Brad and Angie...and why would school officials tell them not to ask about Brad and Angie? Shit makes no sense whatsoever.) While Brad and Angie have become regulars at local restaurants like Bistro Cassis and DiRaimo's Pizza, they haven't been spotted at the school. (Sidebar: ROTLFMAO. I guess the eye witnesses that notOK and US Lies Weakly both cited this week in short articles about Brad picking up the kids at school were too elitist be bothered with the likes of Star magazine.) "Maddox and Pax started in late March, but none of the parents have seen Brad or Angie," says the source. Instead bodyguards drop the boys off and pick them up in big black SUVs with tinted windows. "The guards walk them in and stand outside their classrooms all day." (Sidebar: Liar, liar pants on fi-ya! Let's see...the Star tries to bribe a clergyman to say that Brad and Angie got married in New Orleans in December 2007...but in April 2009 they can't spring enough jack to remove the stink of being associated with them and pay off the same witnesses the other mags used. Otherwise they'd know that Brad was seen with Maddox and Pax in Dunkin Donuts getting a shot of morning sugar (not the good grown-up kind) before dropping the kids off at school...then picks them up after school...all the while dodging a few dozen socialites dressed to the nines while taking their kids to school? Yep...it's official...this damned recession needs to end!)

BTW - This is unrelated to Brad and Angie, but in a section called STAR BEAUTY they talked about the news hair trend, "BOHO BRAIDS".

A hair stylist at some tony LA salon talks about the hot hair trend for tween idols set...small braids in the hair. Their examples were...

Selena Gomez - 15
Nicole Scherzinger - 29
Blake Lively - 22
Amanda Seyfried - 22
Kim KardASSian - 28

Let me add my own name to the list...

X - 40 - 4 fucking 0

Now...Which of these things is not like the rest?



Reading these stories about X is funnier than Friends ever was. I saw 1/2 an episode of that shit, never laughed once...wasted 15 minutes of my life I can never get back. For that reason alone I will rag on that skank until she either dies or goes the fuck away. In other words - I'm settling in for the long haul because mega famewhores like X will never go away. They'll always claw and scrape and maneuver to be in the spotlight.

With that in mind...let's have a couple of laughs at X's expense...

First of all - I'll spare you the OuttaTouch story on X chasing after Gerard Butler called "Risky Rebound". The premise of the story is that X was seen "canoodling" with GB at a couple of restaurants in NYC because she's wooing him for the cowgirl prison musical she's been trying to get funded for the last 4 years. I hate to break it to the twit, but if she can't funding for a romcom, then why the hell would she think a studio would pony up $50MIL for her to make a movie outside her tiny niche market?

Be that as it may - OuttaTouch says X is picking another playa who has no intention of settling down and she's courting heartbreak again. Personally I'm laughing at this story because there have NOT been any reports of X dining with Gerard Butler in NYC. But you know how the tabs are - he's in NYC...she's in NYC...IT COULD HAPPEN! LOL. Only in the tabloids...

OuttaTouch then goes on to list the reasons why Gerard Butler is the wrong guy for X. Personally I think X just has a thing for men who've complimented or admired Angie in the past - men she's worked with (GB and Daniel Craig) and men who lust after her (The Urinator and ever other straight man on the planet). Bitch has got a lot of men to screw, so she'd better get to work on it...

1. He's a fame seeker - their proof? At the 300 premiere he had photo op with Rosario Dawson. Rosario Dawson is NOT all that famous. I can't name one thing she was in except the last Will Smith movie - Seven Pounds. If I can't name anything...can the average 4th grader who reads OuttaTouch?

2. He's a player- their proof? He was seen swapping spit with Shanna Moakler during one of her splits from Travis Barker. GB is a playa...but not because he was seen tongue dancing with Shanna Moakler. He's a playa because he hits it and quits it. I'm waiting for his hookup with Kate Hudson. It's only a matter of time...

3. He won't comment and has a history of dating models and actresses on the rise. Well...what's that got to do with X? She's short, fug and old...so modeling isn't an option. She's not an actress on the rise...ho's gone as far up the acting ladder as she'll ever get. Hope she enjoyed her 120 seconds on the Kodak Theater's stage because the only time she'll ever be on it is to present awards when the real movie stars have turned the producers down.



In this little sad tale of woe is X Lies and Shit had the perfect opportunity to lampoon X's obsession with holding back Father Time. This could have been a hilarious screed on how much Botox, Restylane, Juvederm and collagen X is pumping into her face to rectify years of sun damage and just plain fugness. They could have laughed at the hundreds of thousands of dollars she's paying plastic surgeons like Dr. Raj Kanoodia to make her nose look smaller than Adrian Brody's...or how she had her hairline moved down 2 inches...or even her ridiculous attempts at plumping her razor-thin lips.

Instead of the aforementioned chucklefest Lies & Shit turns this into a tale about X's lasted dud of a romcom - The Baster. Apparently in the flick she ages from 40 to 48 and it's freaking her out. The usual anonymous set source says, "She's being controlling and snapping quite a lot. It's pretty out of character for her." Now really...who gives a shit if she's snippy after her latest dumping? She should be kissing terra firma and thanking God The Urinator doesn't need money and hasn't sold his story to The Sun or The Daily Mail (UK tabs pay a wee bit better than their U.S. counterparts).

So...X is freaking out on the Dud Romcom set and bugging the make-up artists about how they're going to age her...you know, onacounta she NATUALLY looks so fucking young and all. Lies & Shit once again turns to their fictitious source, "She's asking the makeup artist what high-tech effects they're going to use to age her, and she was disappointed to learn there aren't any." What the fuck does she think this is - Benjamina Button Gets Knocked Up? The whole budget for this movie is probably less than $25MIL and this dumb how expect them to spend it all on prosthetics to age her? Fuck...just off take the ton of makeup she wears, get a syringe and remove the 8 ounces of fillers she's got in her face. Her skin will droop back to its normal saggy state in no time. Cost? Around $20 for the syringes...unless you buy them off a smack addict in Time Square. Then you can get them for a 10 spot and a crack rock.

At this point I was losing interest in this crap until I saw that L&S also cornered X's daddy at the book reading at B&N like US did. So her daddy is at this book reading, presumably to...well..PROMOTE THE BOOK!...and instead he's answering questions about how X is doing? "She's having a good time with the movie. She's doing terrific." What kind of insecure bitch calls her daddy and asks him to use a promotional appearance for A CHILDREN'S BOOK to tell the world how great she is? Methinks someone spends a little bit too much time up their own ass.

L&S then tops this creaky story off by saying that X ain't as together as she acts. You think? Out comes the usual unnamed sources, "For all her talk that she's in a great place, Jen really is struggling. She does everything she can to stay as young-looking as possible." Including dressing like she's 25 instead of 40. Cargo pants, tank tops, tight jeans, braids in her flat-ironed hair and most recently Converse sneakers. At 40. Wait a sec...25 is too old. Better make that 14.

As we all know, no story on X would be complete without a reference to her barrenness...is that even a word? Just pretend like I'm quoting DJ. Since aging is a big part of the movie it's apparently, according to L&S, making X think about her dwindling supply of shriveled up, nicotine-and-tar-laced eggs. Lies & Shit remains formulaic and outcome the quotes about X's thankfully childless state, "She's fully aware of how loudly her clock is ticking. She's definitely not her usual carefree self." On what planet has X ever been "carefree". This bitch is so neurotic that as an infant she refused to poop in her diapers because she knew she was going to be the biggest movie star evah and didn't want anyone from her past selling the story to the tabloids. She made her mother hold her over the toilet...and wipe her ass with baby wipes. No Charmin for her. Oh snap...X and Terence Howard...perfect couple! You know what they say...once you go black, you never go back. Wait a sec...I take that entire idea back. I don't wish X on my peeps...and God knows I sure wouldn't want her creating a human life that society would deem one of my peeps. I'd have to do a Michael Jackson...wonder how much those drugs cost? Do you think my insurance would cover that? I wonder what the prescription co-pay would be....

L&S closes out this sad ass story with a sidebar - How Jen Is Trying To Hold Back Tim - that's mean to reassure her hens that not only does their idol has no reason to worry about the creeping hands of the clock. They have two pictures - one from 1997 and one from March when she was peddling TDF in Europe. In bother pictures she's wearing floral dresses. Wonder how long some poor intern had to sear their eyeballs looking at pix of X to find 2 pix of similar outfits that didn't involve jeans. If it were me I'd ask for a Hazmat suit first. L&S uses these pix to divulge X's "neat trick for staying young" - "It's her style!" Yes, they said "her style". I didn't realize that any woman over the age of 22, who's not still in school, considered jeans and t-shirts "style". Sounds like someone needs a visit from Stacy and Clinton. Be that as it may...out comes the professional "image consultant" Michael Sands, who declares, "It's good for her career that she looks as good as she did 10 years ago. She's basically ageless at this point. She looks fantastic. I don't think the average moviegoer would accept her changing her great looks." Stop laughing. It says he's a "professional image consultant". That means L&S paid him for this opinion, which means he'll say whatever the hell they want him to say. It's the Fanistons who plunk down their money for this dreck, so gotta give the story a happy ending for X, ya know! Meanwhile, the rest of us are laughing our asses off because we know that the "average moviegoer" doesn't go see X's movies! No matter what she looks like - nobody is paying money to see Rachel Green on the big screen.

After L&S spent a page and half tiptoeing around X's insecurities over aging...some genius decided it would be a good idea to throw a few older actresses on the funeral pyre. Because X ages to 48 in the film they chose a host of very good to excellent actresses to show us what 48 can look like...

1. Tilda Swinton, makeupless, and they said she looks her age. When Tilda Swinton is in a movie and made up, she looks much younger than her age. But because she refuses to pander to society and refuses to be the stereotypical "actress"...they rag on her looking her age. Nice.

2. Elizabeth Perkins - they say she looks mid-30s. I had to go to IMDB to remind myself who Elizabeth Perkins is...so I'm thinking not too many people care what she looks like...

3. Kathy Griffin - they say she looks early 40s. I can't argue with that. I saw her in a bikini standing next to Paris Hilton, who was also in a bikini, and she's in surprisingly great shape for a comedian. She certainly looked better in her bikini than X does. Just had to throw that in there...

4. Kristin Scott-Thomas - they say she looks mid-40s and their plastic surgeon expert said she "needs a little work around her eyes". How sad is it that a woman can't even have crow’s feet anymore...and then they bitch at us for lying about our ages. Well, if you want us to tell the truth...stop pressuring us to fix the things that make us look our age!

5. Julianne Moore - they say she looks mid-30s. No argument from me. She's a gorgeous woman and a fantastic actress. It's a shame that she had to be demeaned by being made part of a story on X's neurotic patheticness.

6. Daryl Hannah - they say she looks mid-30s. The doc was being kind. She's got that face-stretched-by-too-large-cheek-implants/waxy look going on. I didn't even recognize her.

Thursday, April 16, 2009



The other day I think I told someone on JJ's (Shar?) that I would post a side-by-side comparison of the CCOBB and TDF foreign box office totals using the per-country breakdown that Box Office Mojo has. I created the spreadsheet below in Excel, then converted it to a JPG using Photoshop. All of that because the Blogger HTML software blows monkey chunks - and not the good Ben & Jerry's kind. Creating tables can be a pain in the arse.

Below the box office totals for each movie I put a chart that explains the color coding and also totals up the number of countries where the box office was over a specific amount - in increments of $5,000,000.

As you read through the numbers here are a couple of things to keep in mind -

- So-called movie experts said CCOBB would not break $100MIL domestically. Even though they gave it a slightly higher chance in international markets because of Brad's popularity, most experts did not think it would reach the $100MIL mark - let alone $200+MIL.

- TDF played in more markets than CCOBB. Based on the info at BOM, CCOBB did not play in these countries: Bahrain, Cyprus, Ethiopia (how ironic is that?), some parts of Eastern Africa (like Zambia), Jamaica, Jordan, Kuwait, the Lesser Antilles (Antigua & Barbuda, Barbados, Dominica, Grenada, Guyana, St. Lucia, St. Vincent), Oman, Puerto Rico (I find this hard to believe), Qatar, Slovakia and more irony, Vietnam.

- CCOBB played in only 1 territory that TDF didn't - Thailand.

- That means TDF played in 12 markets MORE than CCOBB

- If BOM's numbers are accurate, then as of April 12, 2009 the UK total for TDF is over $30MIL. The movie has only made $90MIL at foreign box offices. That means the UK is responsible for 1/3 of the TOTAL foreign BO for TDF. Viva La Hens de FF!

- Note for the trolls: CCOBB made $13.8MIL in the UK - less than half of what TDF has made. HOWEVER, CCOBB PLAYED IN THE UK AT THE SAME TIME AS "SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE". TDF IS PLAYING 2 MONTHS AFTER BOTH CCOBB AND SLUMDOG. TDF DID NOT FACE ANY COMPETITION FROM ANY OF THE OSCAR NOMINATED FILMS. The current UK total for Slumdog is well over $45MIL, therefore Brits chose to support the home film rather than the import (CCOBB).

- Another note for the trolls: The UK is well-known for loving their four-legged friends. Buzz over to the AKC and Westminster sites and you'll see that a large number of popular dog breeds in the US originated in the UK, France, Germany and Asia. Not too surprisingly TDF did well in the UK and Germany...not so much France. The French just can't quite warm up to The Hag. Go figure.

- Lastly, a note about the numbers BOM uses. When I totaled up the spreadsheets I saw that the aggregate totals are higher than what BOM gives as the official (i.e., the studio's numbers) foreign BO total. So I e-mailed them to ask why it was like that. This is the reply I got back from them...names have been removed to protect my identity from the trollites...

"We use Fox's international total (he's referring to TDF's distributor). Their numbers are converted at the time they take the money literally to the bank, a time unknown to Box Office Mojo so that is why there is a slight difference in the numbers. When they film's run has finished in each country Fox's total will be entered."

In other words - BOM is using the estimates info that comes across the newswire and adjusts their numbers at the end of a film's run to reflect the real box office totals. Because of that, there was no update for CCOBB this week, even though TDF's total was updated. You'll also note that a lot of the "As of" dates for each country haven't been updated for a while on most of the countries. That's because the film may have finished its run in that country or BOM hasn't received an update from the studio in a while and will update the total later after the run has finished in all foreign markets.

I said all of that just to say...the real foreign box office totals won't be known for at least another 6 - 8 weeks. But for now - laugh yourselves silly. CCOBB TROUNCED TDF in every market they both played in, with the exception of 1 market - the UK...and all because it played at the same time as SDM. If you had plunked TDF in the slot CCOBB had - it wouldn't have made half of what it made by opening a month AFTER the Oscars.

- As I said, I got these numbers from BOM. The-Numbers.com actually updates their foreign BO twice a week and currently lists TDF at $92,128,041 as of today (April 16). That means TDF will likely break $100MIL...dammit...blame the Brits...

- Also - just saw the DVD sales numbers for TDF at The-Numbers.com, too - $28,232,118 (1,525,236 units) for its first week, and yes, it was #1 ( http://www.the-numbers.com/movies/2008/MARLY-DVD.php)

By way of comparison -

- Wanted was #2 in its first week of sales...but it outsold TDF by $4+MIL - $32,626,651 (1,924,161 unites) (http://www.the-numbers.com/movies/2008/WNTED-DVD.php)

- BAR was #4 in its first week of sales - $10,689,191 (629,146 units), which are excellent numbers for Cohen Brothers comedy.

Enough of my babblings...here's the Excel spreadsheet I did. Hopefully Blogger won't degrade the image quality too much. If you find it to blurry you can also view it here -


...or, I believe you can click on the image below and it will open in a new window...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Sorry for the delay, folks...
The report is kind of long this week because I decided to use some quotes from Brad & Angie to refute the fuckery that is OuttaTouch. I didn't have all the articles I wanted to reference so I had to Google a few things and do a little surfing. I still didn't find all the articles I was looking for, but I'm tired of fooling with this report and OuttaTouch doesn't really deserve the effort I put into pointing out their departures from reality.


John Aniston tells US his hope for Jen and his dream of being a grandpa

by Eric Anderson

All parents of a certain age fantasize about having grandkids, and Jennifer Aniston's dad, John, is no exception. "Being a granddad is the perfect situation," the Days of Our Lives actor, 75, told US (Sidebar: "Told US" is a euphemism for, "Our eavesdropping reporter overheard him say...") April 4 at an New York City Barnes & Noble’s, where he read from Loukoumi's Good Deeds, a kids book and audio cd he co-narrated with his daughter. (Sidebar: I sure hope John enjoyed reading the book that day...it's as close as he'll ever come to reading to any spawn of X's.) "You get the grandkids, play with them, have a good time. Then, at the end of the day, you say, 'Bye!'" (Sidebar: See...I told you her father wasn't all that bad! Unfortunately I got a feeling that's all the input he had in raising X - saw her, played with her for a few hours and returned her to her mother. Surely if he'd had any input at all X wouldn't be so fucking annoying.) And, when asked who he'd like to see his daughter date, John told US, "What kind of guy? Someone who makes her happy." (Sidebar: Actually, PT can reveal to you exclusively that what John really said was, "Well...since Brad finally got sick of her neurotic ass and couldn't stand her craziness anymore...I've pretty much given up hope that there's any man alive who'll put up with her nonsense. I mean, come on...she was lucky to have gotten Brad drunk enough to marry her in the first place. You'd think she'd have done more to keep him that way and not let him sober up enough to realize he'd accidentally leg-shackled himself to the most overly ambitious talentless skank in all of Hollywood. Yeah, I know she's my daughter and all, but that doesn't mean I have to pretend she's perfect.")

Alas, there doesn't seem to be "someone" in sight. After she declared in 2005, "In five years, I would hope to be married and have a kid," Jen, who, hit the milestone of age 40 in February and recently split from John Mayer, finds herself single again. (Sidebar: Nice to see a tab calling X on one of her big Pity Party claims. That ho had no more intention of having a baby in 2005 than she does today.) Adding insult to injury? Outside her LA cocoon, Jen is living in NYC's Greenwich Hotel (Sidebar: Whuh? Bu-bu-but OuttaTouch said (April 6 issue) she's staying at the Ritz-Carlton, which is "just 12 short blocks from where Brad & Angie were staying at the Waldorf-Astoria." Don't tell me they LIED to us? No way. X moved once she found out Brad and Angie were in Long Island. Yeah...that's it!) while filming The Baster (a comedy, ironically, about a 40-year-old single woman who uses a turkey baster to get pregnant) at the same time that her ex Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have settled in the area for Jolie's Salt shoot. (Sidebar: It's pretty darned sad when even US is making fun of X's doing the turkey baster movie. I betcha Huvane was none to please to see this article. They pimped John Aniston at B&N and that shit backfired in their faces. Gotta love it!) On the heels of Jen's third post-Pitt split (she also dated model Paul Sculfor, 38, and Vince Vaughn, 39, who's now engaged), (Sidebar: BBBBWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIRD post-Brad split? Janice Min is being polite. I guess since Camera Boy, Grip Boy and Producer Boy weren't official "dates" they don't get their props? I'm insulted on their behalf. BUT...I'm gonna give Min brownie points for throwing in the gratuitous info that VV is now engaged to someone else. More proof that it's not the men - it's X.) a Jen pal sighs, "We all want her with the right guy." (Sidebar: Anybody wanna take bets on which of the Godless Circle is the informant? I'm going with Kristin Hahn. Flapping her gums is what got her fired from Plan B and she and X ain't exactly raking in the dough off their first-look production deal. Which, by the way...what does that tell you about The Baster? Their first look deal with is Universal...the movie was picked up for distribution by Miramax. When you can't blackmail one of your BFF's daddies into releasing your movie? You've got a major suckage issue.)


John Aniston (who divorced Jen's mom Nancy in 1980) tells US he never shared his daughter's romantic troubles: "I never had a hard time dating in Hollywood. I had an unusual situation. I shared a house with a photographer, so there was a stream of beautiful women coming in and out every day!" (Sidebar: Hate to break it to John, but...he's much, much, MUCH better looking than X is. It's amazing how much difference a definite end to chinnage can change a person's appeal to the opposite sex.) His theory on why dating there can be difficult? "If you are working, I think it's hard because the only people you meet are the people you work with." (Sidebar: That wasn't a problem for X - she worked with Charlie Schlatter on that Ferris Bueller knock off...and dated him. She worked with Tate Donovan on Friends...and dated him. She blew and screwed several of the Friends writers for the funniest lines or extra lines. She glommed onto Vince Vaughn for 1 farcical year. Rumor has it (arf, arf, arf!) that she did Marky Mark's FEMALE cousin while filming Rock Star - and beyond. She slept with Ryan Kavanaugh to try to get him to finance one of her sad little romcoms. And then there's the roommate who said X told her the surest way to get work was to "look fuckable". And we all know that a woman who thinks that way is also going to put out to get work. The casting couch is X's true BFF. God knows that explains Leprechaun. Ergo, Daddy's theory is bunk. X has no problem dating co-workers, bosses or anyone else she thinks can advance her career.)

Indeed, a close pal tells US that, for Jen, career takes priority over romance, "She wants to marry and have kids, but she really wants to be the biggest actress in Hollywood. That's more important to her than anything." (Sidebar: This ho never learns, does she? This is EXACTLY why Brad dumped her. Because it's all about her ego and her career. Four years later, four years older...and this skank is STILL trying to become an A-list movie actress. At 40. Four. Zero. No doubt she went to the Oscars this year to get the voters used to seeing her on stage accepting her Best Actress Oscar for The Baster.) (Following a string of stinker movies, her last two movies, Marley & Me and He's Just Not That Into You, both topped the box office their opening weekends.) (Sidebar: Yes, that's right, US called RHI, TBU, Derailed, and Friends With Money "stinkers". Too bad they didn't complete the insult by pointing out she wasn't THE STAR of either of the two recent movies.)

And even as all her friends raise families - Courteney Cox, Laura Dern and Jennifer Meyer (Mrs. Tobey Maguire) are married with kids, and single Sheryl Crow adopted a son - "Jen has no problem being the third wheel," says another insider. (Sidebar: Yeah, we noticed. Too bad her friends don't always not have a problem with it, too. The two times she and Court have fallen out in the last 18 months have been because David put his foot down and told Court to get X out of his face, out of his house and preferably out of the city.)

Still, despite Jen's seeming lack of concern with her single status, "her close friends really want to see her settled down," says the insider. (Sidebar: Yeah...so they don't have to listen to her whining about Brad anymore!) But blind dates set up by pals such as Cox "never work out. Guys get intimidated because she's so in the public eye." (Sidebar: No, guys get intimidated because they can't compete with Brad Pitt. Guys get leery of the fact that X has spent the last 4 years publicly whining about the man who got a way and has shown no real progress at moving on and getting over being dumped for the most beautiful and sexiest woman alive - a woman they, too, would happily dump X for.) Another challenge? She's picky. "We all try to get her a nice, normal guy: a lawyer, an executive," says a friend, "but it never works. She's bored after the first or second date and never calls them again. She blames the guy and says they 'don't get how hard it is to be famous.'" (Sidebar: In other words, X slept with them on the first date and they never called her again. After all - who needs Brad Pitt's leftovers permanently when she's already let them taste what Brad threw away? Added to that - X doesn't want a "nice, normal guy". She wants an A-lister. She wants a mega-gazillionaire. She wants someone more famous than Brad or Angie. And most importantly - she wants who's at least semi-attractive. She didn't show up at the Oscars with some knuckle-scraping Sasquatch look-a-like. Sure, The Urinator's head is twice the size of a normal person's, but he's certainly better looking than anyone else she's dated post-Brad - including PMBP. The day X is willing seen dating a man as fugly as The Trump - you'll know he's loaded and financing her films...just kidding...then you'll know she's moved on. Otherwise she's in a pissing contest with the two most attractive people on the planet. She's going to be hard-pressed to find a man as gorgeous as Brad and God knows SHE is nowhere near Angie's league in the beauty department.)

Making matters worse; "Jen is obsessed with her looks and is petrified of getting older," the friend tells US. (Sidebar: I hate to tell X this...but...we can smell her fear. Let's just say that Chanel ain't gonna be bottling it anytime soon.) Jen even admitted to Ellen Degeneres in February that finding a gray hair sent her into hysterics: "It actually brought me to tears, slightly." (Sidebar: Hearing about that brought me to tears, too - tears from the hysterical laughter it induced. Instead of crying the twit should have fired Hair Boy - not take him to Europe and have the studio shell out $50K for him to miss coloring all her gray hair.) A Mayer source says it's precisely that behavior that drove the crooner away: "She was high maintenance and unbearable." (Sidebar: Just goes to show you how high Brad was those first 3 1/2 years they were together, don't it? I figure he stopped "waking and baking" somewhere around December 2001. He emerged from the ganja fog one day and found out he was married to X and then spent 3 years trying to get away from her neurotic ass.)


For now, Aniston seems content to be in the company of her pals. At a Paul McCartney benefit concert for the David Lynch Foundation in New York city on April 4, "She was having a great time. No guys, no flirting. Just enjoying the show and talking to David [Arquette]," says a concert-goer. (Sidebar: Hmmm...April 4, huh? Her daddy was at B&N that day, but X couldn't be bothered to go down there and put in some face time with him. She only pulls him out for movie premieres when she needs to be seen as a "family oriented". As for X not flirting with anyone at the concert - that was prolly because of the "Needy Ho" sign she wears plastered to her forehead. And by-the-by...why was David Arquette there with X and Court nowhere around? Does that mean he left Court for X? Or that he and X are fooling around behind Court's back? I've long said - he's GOT to be tapping that ass on the side. There's no way a man voluntarily puts up with a woman as needy as X without getting laid in return - unless he's your best gay.) When pal Crow took the stage, Jen cheered. And she particularly lit up when Paul and Ringo [Starr] sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." A fitting anthem for Jen, once again. (Sidebar: Meow, Janice Min! If I were going to give X a theme song it would be "Alone Again (Naturally) by Gilbert O'Sullivan.)

Caption - X photo taken by razzi on set of her next bomb. This was one of those pix that looked like a photoshoot. You know X set that crap up because the lighting was perfect. It was during The Urinator's cruise and X was showing how not torn up over the dumping she was. The caption reads, "We lived by the Golden Rule in our house: Do unto others as you would have done unto you," John Aniston tells US of raising daughter Jennifer. (Sidebar: This certainly explains why Brad dumped her, doesn't it? She dumped Tate Donovan to go chasing after greener pastures - Brad. Therefore Brad dumped X to go chase the greenest pasture of all - Angelina Jolie and his dream of a big family. Seems to me the old Golden Rule has a sense of humor.)

Photo of The Urinator - This was taken on his cruise and he was surrounded by women. The caption reads, "Aniston ex John Mayer dirty-danced with fans and drank bubbly on his Mayercraft Carrier 2 near LA on March 31." (Sidebar: The only reason I mention this is because...well...he was surrounded by young blond women...none of whom looked like a desperate 40 year-old hag with a big ass nose and even bigger chin.)


Penned by author Nick Katsoris, Loukoumi's Good Deeds is the third book in a series about a lamb named Loukoumi who helps others by doing nice things. that Jen and John Aniston both lent their voices to narrate the bonus audio cd is "the ultimate good deed!" Katsoris tells US. (Sidebar of my own: PT calls it "The Ultimate In Famewhoring.")

Photo of John Aniston from April 4 at the B&N book reading - I've gotta say...the man looks almost EXACTLY the same as he's looked the last 15 years. Bear in mind the man is 75. His forehead is as smooth as Nicole Kidman's. He's barely got any wrinkles around his eyes. No wrinkles on his cheeks. Altogether now - BOTOX. Seriously...he's better preserved at 75 than X is at 40. Then again...he ain't all orange and shit. And his skin doesn't look like it could double for a leather bodysuit either.

While I'm ragging on US Lies Weakly - Sad to say that Janice Min just cannot manage to stay en pointe in her story about Madge's failed adoption bid. In a sidebar she has to drag Angie into this shit. Like it's Angie's fault that Madge tried to circumvent the system in Malawi and got put on blast...


Before Madonna, globetrotting mom Angelina Jolie weathered her own adoption storms.

- Maddox - Jolie obtained custody of the Cambodian native in 2002 through a Seattle group whose workers were later found guilty of Visa fraud and money launderings. (Sidebar of my own: At no point does Min make clear that Angie and Maddox were NEVER a part of this case. These incidents for which they were indicted occurred long after Maddox's adoption was finalized. Of course Min knew that but she had to make it look like Angie played fast and loose in her adoption of Maddox.)

- Zahara - Two years after Jolie's 2005 adoption of "Z" a woman claiming to be the child's birth mother said she wanted her daughter back (she later recanted.) (Sidebar of my own: Once again, Min fails to tell the full story. It was OuttaTouch that dug up this woman and tried to stir up trouble. US even printed at the time the OuttaTouch story was false. Now, however, Min has had nothing to print about Angie since the non-event of the Oscars and suddenly this non-story is a "controversy". Min, like Mr. IUC, simply can't stand it that there's no news on Brad and Angie that she can use to boost sales and website hits...so might as well tag team an anti-Angie article onto Madge's adoption screw up.)

- Pax - In 2007, Jolie and partner Brad Pitt sidestepped a Vietnamese law forbidding unmarried couples to adopt. The actress filed as a single parent instead. (Sidebar of my own: Uh, 'scuse me, Janice, but exactly how did Angie "sidestep" the Vietnamese law? She and Brad are a VERY public couple. It's not like the Vietnamese government didn't know she and Brad were a couple, living together and raising 3 other children. The Vietnamese government could have turned down Angie's adoption bid, but they didn't simply because it was convenient for them to allow the adoption. It got them publicity and they've seen a rise in adoptions because of it. So sit on your thumb and spin, bitch!)

What Brad and Angelina are FIGHTING OVER NOW

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt battle over how to raise their kids. Can they find common ground?

Since walking the red carpet together at the Oscars on February 22, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been living mostly separate lives. (Sidebar: Mentally insert "according to tabloid reports" on the end of this sentence.) While Angie's filming the thriller Salt in NYC, Brad's raising their kids - and when the couple are together, they bicker nonstop, according to multiple reports. (Sidebar: My bad...insert "according to tabloid reports" HERE.)

Now an insider close to Angelina reveals precisely what the actress and Brad are fighting about: how to raise their six kids. (Sidebar: Ummm...these same "multiple reports" gave reasons for the supposed fighting...and guess what? They weren't the same reasons Lies & Shite is about to give. Why bother to cite "multiple reports" about fighting if you don't reference what they were supposedly righting about? Just asking.) "They have totally different outlooks," the insider tells Life & Style. (Sidebar: This is, of course, contrary to what both Angie and Brad have said in the past, but why let the truth stand in the way of this saga?)

One of the main points of contention is religion. Last year Angie, 33, told Vanity Fair that she planned to teach her children about all faiths: "They can pick one or be a student of all of them." (Sidebar: Please note - they left out the most important part of this statement - Angie also said that Brad had given her a bookshelf full of books on various religions for Christmas in 2007. But including that part of her comment would put a quick end to what's sure to be a pathetic waste of my time...)

But Brad, 45, who was raised Southern Baptist, wants his kids to have a genuine connection to HIS (in italics) religion. "He's from a family that looked at church as a big part of their lives," says the insider, "and he wonders why he can't expose his children to the same influence." (Sidebar: First of all - Angie said the kids could study "one or ALL of them". That would include Southern Baptist. Secondly, this is total bullshit. Brad has said a number of time that he felt stifled by his religious upbringing and gladly cast it aside at the earliest opportunity.


Parade Magazine - 10/07/2007

"I always had a lot of questions about the world, even in kindergarten. A big question to me was fairness. If I'd grown up in some other religion, would I get the same shot at Heaven as a Christian has? My mom would come into my room and talk to me. I was very fortunate to have that dialogue with her, but in high school I started to realize that I felt differently from others."

Brad went to Springfield's Kickapoo High, excelling at school debates and sports. As he got older, his religious doubts increased.

"I had crises of faith," he says. "I thought you had to experience things if you want to know right from wrong. I'd go to Christian revivals and be moved by the Holy Spirit, and I'd go to rock concerts and feel the same fervor. Then I'd be told, 'That's the Devil's music! Don't partake in that!' I wanted to experience things religion said not to experience."

By the time he entered college, Pitt had scuttled his fundamentalist beliefs. "When I got untethered from the comfort of religion, it wasn't a loss of faith for me, it was a discovery of self," he says. "I had faith that I'm capable enough to handle any situation. There's peace in understanding that I have only one life, here and now, and I'm responsible.

Followed by...

"What's important to me is that I've defined my beliefs and lived according to them and not betrayed them," he says. "One of those is my belief in family. I still have faith in that."



He lost that old-time religion somewhere in the first year of university, where he was studying journalism. "I didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me,' " he said in the same interview. "'You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.")

For now, Brad's letting Angelina have her way. But, the two still have a wide difference in their general approach to parenting. (Sidebar: Now they're off on a different tack because the religion angle was so weak.) With six kids - Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara, 4, Shiloh, 2, and 8-month-old twins Vivienne and Knox - in one household, there's plenty of roughhousing. Angelina's the disciplinarian, and she's grown frustrated with Brad's hands-off manner. "She thinks Brad's too much of a softie," the insider says. "She's always reminding him that the kids aren't there for his amusement. Brad has a lot of fun being a dad, but for Angelina, parenthood is this massive responsibility." (Sidebar: Riiiiiiiigggghhhhhhtttttt...Brad's just hanging with the kids and playing horsie. That's why Angie told both Marie Claire and Peeps that Brad was a "strong father" with the boys and disciplined them while she disciplined the girls because Brad was a big softie with them. It's also why Brad told Okra that he'd had to "knock" the boys "heads together" a few times, but the girls could do no wrong. It's also why people who were at the MIR dedication ceremony said they heard BRAD disciplining Maddox and Pax when they got rowdy. In other words - I call bullshit on Lies & Shit)

Sadly, no matter how much they argue, Brad and Angelina don't seem any closer to resolving their problems. "Instead of trying to get on the same page," says the insider, "they're each just doing their own thing with the kids and hoping it's all going to work out." (Sidebar: Ummm...pardon me for pointing this out...but...THAT'S WHAT MOST PEOPLE DO! Why should Brad and Angie be any different? Never mind the fact that Angie told the Reader's Digest that they shared similar thoughts on child-rearing. But back to Lies & Shit's idiotic statement - I've got a brother who, when his song was younger, used to swear his son can do no wrong. The child is the spawn of Satan and even his mother knows it...but according to my brother he's..."just a little wild". My sister-in-law had to discipline the kid while my brother thought she was being too hard on him. Obviously they were NOT "on the same page". Then again...considering how he turned out...I wouldn't leavet that boy alone in my house for more than 2 seconds unless I had a hankering to give up TV, music, computing...and possibly eating because I'm not entirely sure he wouldn't steal the fridge along with the contents...)

SIDEBAR - IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME THEY'VE FOUGHT (Oh goody...a walk down tabloid memory lane...)

1. Family Ties - photo of B/A at the LA CCOBB premiere with his 'rents -

Brad's mom, Jane, was initially cold to Angelina, so Angie often refused to celebrate Thanksgiving in Springfield, MO with the Pitts (Sidebar of my own: Angie couldn't go to Springfield for dinner with the Pitts because she wasn’t' invited. X was. Such a shame when the tabs can't remember their own lies.)

2. Where to live? - photo of Chateau Miraval -

She prefers Chateau Miraval in France, but Brad always wanted to stay in L.A. (Sidebar of my own: I guess that's why Brad told the Rolling Stone that they liked living in France because it gave them easy access to all the other countries in Europe that they love. And that the family is nomadic because of the razzi. And also told W magi, “By nature, I keep moving, man. My theory is, be the shark. You’ve just got to keep moving. You can’t stop.”)

3. Jen's in the way - photo of X at the HJNTIY premiere (I'm sure L&S failed to see the irony in using this photo...Cuz Brad DEFINITELY ain't into X (Sorry, Mr. IUC, you're foiled again.))

Jennifer Aniston's recent interview calling Angie's actions "very uncoil" sparked tensions. (Sidebar of my own: GMAFB, Lies & Shit. When you've got to reach back 6 months to come up with a third point...it's just best to stop at 2. Otherwise you risk seeming pathetic, whiny and desperate...kinda like you're channeling X...)

SIDEBAR - THEIR NEXT FIGHT? - Photo of Kamar De Los Reyes looking his usual soap-cheese self.

Angie's sexy Salt co-star, One Life To Live vet, Kamar De Los Reyes, 41, is a big fan of the actress. "She's absolutely beautiful and extremely talented," he tells Life & Style. "I'm so flattered just to be on the same set as her." Uh-oh - should Brad be worried? (Sidebar: Anybody else smell that rancid odor? That's L&S's desperation to stretch this story to 2 full pages - with lots of photos. I'm gonna bottle that shit and sell under the name of "Eau de X".)


Angelina Jolie plans to adopt another baby with or without Brad Pitt

The stress of raising six children while filming movies all over the world has taken a huge toll on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. According to sources, their relationship is so strained that the couple has barely slept in the same bad since Angelina began filming the spy thriller Salt in New York city in March. (Sidebar: "Sources" is their way of not admitting they are piggy-backing their faction on equally fictitious stories that were in other equally shitty tabloids.) "They're going through some tough times," a close confidante explains. "When they first got together Angie could do no wrong in Brad's eyes. But four years later, he no longer thinks she walks on water." (Sidebar: No, 4 years later Brad thinks Angie walks on air and her shit don't stink either.)

So when Angelina, 33, insisted she wanted to adopt yet another child from Ethiopia this year, Brad finally put his foot down and said no. "Angelina was furious," the friend tells In Touch. "She told Brad he had no right to tell her she can't add to her family and that she will adopt again - with or without his permission." (Sidebar: Anybody else have the mental image of Brad stamping his foot on the floor, putting his hands on his hips and shouting, "I won't stand for it, woman! You'll do as you're told!"? Don't make me go back to those Bo & Hope DOOL analogies...)

Brad, 45, believes that adding more kids into the mix "would be crazy," adds the friend. "He's told her he thinks their life is hectic enough and that he doesn't want more." (Sidebar: From time to time I'm going to let Brad & Angie's own words refute this nonsensical crapola -


When a journalist asked Brad if he agreed with what Angelina told us in a recent interview that they’re not quite done yet having more kids, he replied with a smile, “We haven’t found any reason not to yet. It is chaos at moments but there’s such joy in the house. I look down and there’s our boy from Vietnam, our daughter from Ethiopia, our girl who was born in Namibia, our son who’s from Cambodia and they are brothers and sisters, man. They are like blood relations and it is such a sight that make us feel elated. Given that with our jobs, we have the capability to also give someone a home, provide a home… Let me tell you, it’s selfish too because the reward has been extraordinary so no, we haven’t found any reason to stop yet.”)

But Angelina reminded him that she adopted three children as a single mom, and that she'll happily do it again without him, because she doesn't need him at all to adopt." (Sidebar: Ummm...not to throw a spanner in the middle of OuttaTouch's story...but...Angie adopting as a single parent will ALWAYS be the case as long as they're not married. Brad even told Charlie Rose that it had to work that way because they're not married. Ergo, Duh. Also, a little shout out to resident IUC worshippers - they ain't married, morons!) The friend says Brad was so angry, he told Angelina that if she adopts without him, "she's breaking the deal they made to make all big choices together - and he will leave." but Angelina didn't feel threatened: "If it comes down to choosing more kids over keeping Brad, then she'll choose having more kids." (Sidebar: I'll let Angie handle this one...


“Early on when we met, we had this time when we were working together and we just spent it discussing how we saw our lives and what our plans were for the future. And there was a day when we both talked about wanting a large family. At the time I was thinking of only adoptive children, but he saw a big family mixed with adoptive and born children. And I ended up falling in love with a man who I think was destined to have children and suddenly one day it felt right and there it was.)


While Brad loves being a father to Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara, 4, Shiloh, 2, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 9 months, he doesn't want to give in to Angelina on the adoption issue. (Sidebar: I hope OT remembers they said this in 1 month when they're claiming Angie's preggers and/or adopting. Plus, Brad told Charlie Rose, "We'll probably crap out somewhere between 6 and 8." Unless there's some new tabloid math that I don't know about...the last time I checked 7 is between 6 and 8.) The friend reveals that he's really struggling with playing Mr. Mom while Angelina is working on the Salt set all day. "Being with the kids exhausts him. It's just relentless. Every child has different needs, and they all have such strong personalities. They are always yelling and screaming." (Sidebar: Uh...what happened to the 714 nannies y'all claimed they had? What are they doing all day? watching the clothes go 'round? Watching Okra? Besides - 2 of the kids are on the set with Angie...and the other 4 are in school and pre-school. So why exactly is Brad tired? From taking the kids to Dunkin' Donuts before school?)

According to a member of their inner circle, Brad and an army of caretakers are watching over the kids, (Sidebar: "An army of caretakers"? Then, once again, I have to ask - why the fuck is Brad "overwhelmed"?) but Angelina seems disconnected from them at times since she's been shooting Salt. "Angie gets flustered trying to do Zahara's hair," the friend says, (Sidebar: Oh no they di'hint! Now the Black Hair Police and Pomade Brigade will come out of the woodwork. But...the good news is that now the Black hair Police and Pomade Brigade know Z's hairdos aren't Angie's fault! It's Z's fault!) "And she doesn't always have the patience to do Shiloh's hair either. She asks the girls to try to learn to do it themselves." (Sidebar: Well...that certainly explains Shiloh's hair in the Tokyo airport and the day they went to Lee's Art store, doesn't it? It's sad when 2 year-old white kids can't comb their own hair, ain't it? Hopefully the White Hair Police: Kiddie Division are on the case and will put the beat down on Shiloh for bringing her peeps down.)

When Angelina first brought the twins back from France, none of the staff was allowed to touch them without talking to Angelina or Brad first. (Sidebar: Ruh-roh...this is how the Star NannyGate got started...the nanny was in the room with the twins alone, then Brad came in and the rest of the story will go down in Star infamy...) "She was obsessed with that," says the inner-circle source. "Now, she has less energy to feed them or change their diapers." Brad or a nurse does the night feedings and recently, one of the nannies approached Angelina to tell her that Knox needed to be cleaned, and she said with a tired voice, "So change him." (Sidebar: It's pretty pathetic when a working mother is being attacked because she was too tired to wipe her kid's poopy ass and expected the person she's PAYING to do it for her to actually do their freaking job.)

When Angelina returns home to the mansion they are staying at in Long Island, N.Y., after working all day, "She says 'hi' to the kids, who are running wild, and then heads to the bathroom to take a two-hour bath," says the member of the inner circle. (Sidebar: No hyphen in "inner circle" this time. These losers can't even figure out if a phrase should be hyphenated or not but they want you believe this story.) Angelina's lack of interest to help out around the house has caused many arguments with Brad, who feels "frazzled," the friend says. (Sidebar: If I were Angie I'd tell Brad, "Dude...why are you frazzled? You've got 714 nannies here to help you...and 4 of the kids are in school most of the day and the other 2 are with me on the set! If doing nothing all day "frazzles" you...then tough shit!")


Despite the fact that Angelina has said numerous times that she would like to quite acting for a year to be a full-time mother, Brad worries that Angelina will never give up working to look after the kids. (Sidebar: Should I point out to OT that not working from Dec 5, 2007 until February 17, 2009 is 15 months, 2 weeks - well over a year of not working? Nah. That would be mean of me, wouldn't it?") "He feels like, how can they add another child into their family?" the friend explains. "It's not physically possible. It's so hard as it is, and yet, Angie wants more." (Sidebar: Once again - when you've got 714 nannies...what's one more kid for them to look after?)

Brad has grown tired of Angelina's domineering personality. "It's always her way or the highway," he complained to a close confidante. "Angelina doesn't give up control for anybody That is just how she is." (Sidebar: Since when does Brad call Angie "Angelina"? It OuttaTouch wants to be believable when they put words in Brad's mouth the least they could do is call Angie by the right name. But...once again...I'll let Angie defend herself -


"We agree where we stand, what we believe in, what our values are. We don't agree 100 per cent on everything, but we support each other where it counts. That's why everything else between us is so strong.)

While Brad agreed to take time off from acting to look after the children while Angelina films Salt, she refuses to return the favor. (Sidebar: NOW would be a good time to point out that Angie hasn't made a movie at the same time as Brad, wouldn't it?) He wanted to take the family to Cannes International Film Festival in May for the premiere of his next movie, Inglourious Basterds, but Angelina told him she wasn't going. "She refuses to commit to anything," the close confidante explains. "Brad was devastate." (Sidebar: First of all - when Angie shows up in Cannes in May OT will claim Brad persuaded her or threatened to leave her if she didn't come. Secondly, does OT not understand that if the studio refuses to halt production so the star can accompany her boyfriend on a promotional junket for another film, then it's NOT Angie's fault? Third, did Angie not say that the studios probably hate them because they get events like a break for Cannes written into their contract so the family can always be together?

HELLO MAGAZINE - October 21, 2008

“We have to do a lot of forward planning in our lives, but fortunately both Brad and I are at a place in our careers where we can ask the studio to accommodate us. This week has been planned for the Changeling premiere for a long time, so when Brad accepted the film he’s doing now, he said from the beginning that this was a week he wanted to have off so that he could be here with the children while I work, and I do the same for him. I’m sure there are a lot of people in the studios who get very irritated with us.”

And last, who was it that Angie said convinced her to take the role in Salt?


Are you planning to return to work?

"I’m looking at something at the end of February, but there was a big discussion in the house—should I go back to work at all? It would have been over a year since I last worked. But, he was just wonderfully supportive and said, 'We’re here, and we’re great. The babies will be sitting up and hanging out in your trailer. It’s going to be all right. The kids are at school, and they will come visit.' We’re trying to balance it all.")

Brad is also fed up that he's starting to imagine life without Angelina for the first time. "Up to this point, he's done pretty much as he was told," the confidante adds. "Angelina calls the shots and Brad knows it." (Sidebar: This is true. It's a little something Brad & Angie like to call "Bradley's Been A Bad Boy And Mama's Gonna Make Him Pay.")

Not anymore. Brad confided to the close confidante (Sidebar: Doesn't OT realized how redundant it is to say "close confidante?" Who's ever heard of an "enemy confidante" or an "acquaintance confidante?) that he's already thought about seeking joint custody of their children if things between the couple don't work out. (Sidebar: By "close confidante" OT means American Media (aka Star and NE.)) "Brad puts up with a lot, but he doesn't know how much more he can take. He loves Angelina, but he is at his breaking point - unless she starts compromising." (Sidebar: Bitch please. Brad put up with Ms. Neurotic's bullshit for 6 1/2 years, got no children out of the ho and didn't even get visitation rights with Norman. I think he can put up with Angie considering he changed the woman's mind about having biological babies. Obviously Angie knows how to compromise...unlike some skank Brad used to be married to who speaks more highly of her pooch than is comfortable in polite society. All the same...I'll let Brad's own words make a mockery out of OT's feeble claims -

Okra's show - November 19, 2008

”...she also has the biggest heart and just inexhaustible spirit and sweetness and goodness. She’s an inexhaustible mother and great grace and the real glue of the family.”)

Dr. Gilda Carle, author of how to Win When Your Mate Cheats, who doesn't treat the family, believes that Brad seems to be the only one in the relationship who is thinking clearly. "It's selfish to bring kids into a fighting environment," she tells In Touch. "They need to get their issues straightened out before they bring more babies into the family." (Sidebar: Here's a better idea - Brad and Angie can add to their family whenever the hell they feel like it and OuttaTouch shuts the fuck up and minds their own bees wax. Sounds like a fair trade off to me.)

Photo cap - B/A at CCOBB premiere in Berlin - "Being a dad is everything Brad hoped it would be and more," a friend says. Though he once bragged he wanted a soccer team, he's now changed his mind. "He's exhausted. He can't handle more chaos." (Sidebar: As I said earlier, Brad told Charlie Rose in 2007 that they'd "crap out" between 7 and 8, so obviously they stopped aiming for a soccer team a long time ago. It's not their fault OT is just now noticing.)


1. Maddox was her first - On March 20, 2002 Angelina adopted Maddox, a 7-month-old boy from a Cambodian orphanage. She was married to actor Billy Bob Thornton at the time, but they were living separate lives when she brought the boy home. (Sidebar of my own: Er...no, actually Angie and BBT were NOT living separate lives at the time she adopted Maddox. BBT wasn't exactly thrilled with it, but he went along with the adoption. Had he not she would have been unable to adopt. Therefor - strike one.)

2. Zahara was so sick - In 2005, Angie brought home 6-month-old Zahara Marley, who suffered from malnutrition (Sidebar of my own: Whuh? What happened to the rickets?), from Ethiopia. In 2006, a California court approved Brad's request to legally adopt her and Maddox. (Sidebar of my own: Let's let Angie handle this one, too -

Vogue - January 2007

"...we both saw her picture in a file on the same day, and we both went to Ethiopia to see her, and we both had the same fear because she was sick at the time, and we both made the decision that no matter what, we were going to look after her.

Strike two.)

3. Pax was rescued - While Brad filmed The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in 2007, Angie traveled to Vietnam to adopt Pax, a 3-year-old who had been abandoned at a hospital. Vietnamese rules don't allow unmarried couples to co-adopt, so she adopted him as a single parent. (Sidebar of my own: Kind of undermined they own point, didn't they? Still, Angie did tell Anderson Cooper in June 2006 - "Next WE'LL adopt." It's not her fault these assholes are too stupid to add 2+2 and get 4. Strike three. THEY'RE OUTTA HERE!)


1. She says she will stop working but doesn't (Photo of Angie running barefoot on Salt set)

In November, Angelina said, "I don't plan to keep acting very long." Yet, she's now filming Salt in NYC. "She should stay home like she promises," a source says. "It's not like she needs the money." (Sidebar of my own: Notice how OT didn't use Angie's complete quote? She went on to say that she was looking at doing something in February 2009 and then she'd take another year off. Per her interview with the NY Times...


In addition she will reprise her vocal performance as Tigress in the sequel to this summer’s “Kung Fu Panda” — the only one of her roughly three dozen movies that any of her children have seen. “It’s a big hit in the house,” she said. “Jack Black is like De Niro to the kids.”

After that, she said, she’ll stay home for another full year, and she expects acting to play a diminishing role in her life as time goes by. For the past several months, since the twins were born, the older kids have been home-schooled, “and they’ve had Mommy and Daddy every day for every meal, and they’ve been very close to us.” It’s not a routine she’s eager to disrupt. Deciding to take a job is “really hard,” she said. “Who’s in school at that time? How can I be sure I don’t do too many long hours? Can the three youngest be on the set every day?”

“As long as I can still be with my family, it’s fun,” she added. “But I only want to do that, and I’m not looking for anything else.”)

2. She says they will settle down, but they don't (Photo of their NOLA house)

Angelina promised to make a mansion in New Orleans' French Quarter their home base, but it's now standing empty, along with their homes in France, LA and Cambodia. (Sidebar of my own: Uh...the house in Cambodia is a "shack" by Angie's own description and is currently being used as headquarters for their Cambodian Millennium Village - the MJP Project. Be that as it may - Angie and Brad both have gone out of their way to emphasize that they're "nomadic" and have chosen NOT to settle in one place, but instead have opted to keep the family together wherever their work takes them. SO how did OuttaTouch manage to get "settle down" out of "We've been run out of every major city?" and "We have a base camp in New Orleans..." and "We have a base camp in L.A...." But...far be it from to speak for Angie when she's more than capable of doing that herself...

HELLO MAGAZINE - October 21, 2008

“We don’t officially live in France. The children all have American passports and are American, too, but I also think that one of the best things about America is that we are a melting pot, a mix of many, many different races and nations. My kids were born in different countries, in Asia, Africa and Europe, and I expect them to learn about those places and to appreciate all other parts of the world, not just their own. Yes, they have their own nationalities and are very proud of them, but that certainly doesn’t diminish the fact that they’re American. To me, that is what being American is.”)

3. She goes to dangerous places against Brad's wishes (Photo of Angie in Baghdad wearing helmet & bullet proof vest) (Sidebar of my own: Yeah...I guess that's why he went to the Burmese refugee camp in Thailand with her...cuz 6 kids losing 1 parent ain't nearly as serious as 6 kids losing BOTH parents.)

Although Brad didn't want her to, Angelina went to Iraq last year when she had four children at home and was expecting twins. "Brad was furious," a source says. "It was so dangerous and all about her ego." (Sidebar: The trip was about her "ego"? The United States State Department, who asked her to go on the mission WITH THEM, would disagree with OT. Then again - anybody with a brain would disagree with OT...obviously that doesn't include the trolls.)

4. She says she will marry Brad, but hasn't (Photo of Brad & Angie in M&MS wedding deleted scene - that's how desperate they were for a picture of Angie in a wedding dress standing next to Brad...and they don't even bother to explain that it's a scene from the movie!) (Sidebar of my own: Uh...she said IF THEIR KIDS ASKED THEM TO...not some fictitious tabloid promise)

Angelina has promised Brad time and time again that she will make their relationship legal, "but she always says it's not the right time," the source adds. "Not being married gives her more power." (Sidebar of my own: Hey, Brad's the one who declared they wouldn't marry until everyone who wanted to marry could do so. Angie's merely pointing out that gay people STILL can't get married in most of the U.S. Why keep blaming Angie for failing to keep fictitious tabloid promises that Brad's own statement renders moot? But since they do...let's let Angie speak for herself...


Asked if she plans to make an honest man out of Brad Pitt, the actress hints that they may end up tying the knot – under pressure from the kids.

“Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards,” says Jolie.

“But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, ‘Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?’“

Or how about...


Brad said some time ago that you will get married when restrictions on who can marry whom are dropped. If Proposition 8 is defeated, wouldn’t that put you on the spot and you would have to get married?

Ask Brad (laughter).

And then there's...

Marie Claire - June 2007

Yes, but… will they ever get married? "We're not against it," she says. "It just doesn't seem necessary. He and I have never discussed it in detail, but I would assume - because we [both] went down that road before - it's not that contract or that ceremony that makes you feel solid. We've gone the back way around, and maybe there's something to that - that it's hard work and exhaustion and the children that really do make you solid."

And if that's not good enough for OuttaTouch...then take it from Brad - he has no problem considering themselves already married...


Brad, who wore a gold band on the ring finger of his right hand, was informed that in Germany, such ring placement meant he was married. He playfully pretended to begin moving the ring as he asked, “Is that right?” But he added, “So be it.”)

SIDEBAR - Angelina could back out of the adoption (Sidebar of my own: Uh...that's the fictitious adoption that OT says Angie's going to go through with against Brad's wishes. Wouldn't want to confuse that with the story OT will be writing next week about their Philippine adoption.)

Angelina has told Brad that she feels she has "met her next child," a little girl the family fell for when they visited the Wide Horizons For Children orphanage in Ethiopia last year. (Sidebar of my own: Yes, I know Brad and Angie didn't go to Ethiopia last year...but play along...) But Brad thinks home life is exhausting already, says an insider. Clearly, Angelina doesn't agree, and she is planning to fly to Africa soon to file the legal papers. Cory Barron from the Children's Hope International adoption agency tells In Touch that Brad can't stop her. "It is an adoption between the individual and the country. The country is not involved with a partner or boyfriend. He has no say in the matter." (Sidebar of my own: uh, no, but SOCIAL SERVICES in the city/state of the legal residence IS. As are the Feds, who have to issue a Visa to bring the child back into the country. Unless, of course, OT is claiming that Angie doesn't ever intend to return to the U.S.) Even though Angelina could renege on the adoption, it's highly unlikely she'll do so. "It's a very emotional, trying process," says Barron. "People put a lot of thought and prayer into adoption." (Sidebar of my own: Per Angie's statement to Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America in December 2006 - they WILL "even up the races" or words to that effect, so that Z doesn't feel isolated within the family. Why do OT insists on acting like Brad doesn't agree with that is a mystery to me. Z is his first daughter. He'll do everything he can to make sure she's happy and well-adjusted and only a complete moron wouldn't think another African child would help with that process. Stupid fuckers.)

SIDEBAR - ANGELINA KEEPS RUNNING TO BILLY BOB FOR ADVICE (Photo of Angie with BBT - her back to his front and he's got his hands on her boobs and she's got her head turned sideways and is biting his lip.) (Sidebar of my own: Unfortunately I had just eaten dinner before laying my eyes on this photo. Bulimia is underrated. Say goodbye to my Supreme chicken chalupa from Taco Bell...)

When Brad and Angelina fight, she turns to her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton - and that makes Brad even angrier. (Sidebar of my own: That's THIS YEAR. Last year it was JLM. And considering BBT can't even give a interview to a Canadian radio host about his crappy band...never mind the fact that he's been married 5 times and is reportedly cheating on his current live-in girlfriend, ran out on Angie because he's a dickless invertebrate and sometime shut-in who's afraid of his own shadow...and antiques...and Benjamin Disraeli's hairpiece...and orange foods...and cooked veggies...why in the fuck would Angie take relationship advise from that loser?) "She calls and texts every other day," the friend reveals. "Angie says Billy Bob always knows what to say, and she gets off the phone happier. She says Brad only makes her sad." Angelina also tells pals how much she loves Billy Bob - right in front of Brad. "It seems like she's doing it to belittle him,” says the source. (Sidebar: aka Mr. IUC) "She never tells Brad she loves him." (Sidebar of my own: Au contraire liare! Not a typo...I just needed it to rhyme...

Jolie laughs. Eastwood may be the ideal man, she says, "but Brad knows that he's my ideal man."

And then there's...

Marie Claire - June 2007

And suddenly I can't help myself: What happened, I ask, the first time they said "I love you: to each other? For my trouble, I got a raised eyebrow. "I don't think we've ever done that," Jolie says, flashing a smile. "I mean, I'm sure we have but, we would punch each other in the arm first."

...and let's not forget Brad...

Rolling Stone - December 25, 2008-January 8, 2009

As for his favorite Jolie film?

Their 2005 action flick Mr. & Mrs. Smith.


“Because you know … six kids,” he says. “Because I fell in love.”

Nonetheless, she said, she looks forward to the day when she can put “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” in the DVD player for the children; “not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love.”)

SIDEBAR - IT'S THE LONGEST THEY HAVE GONE WITHOUT ADDING TO THEIR FAMILY (Sidebar of my own: Then why the fuck did you bother making up this story if you know they add to the family at regularly scheduled intervals?)

Since they started dating, Brad and Angie have either adopted a child or had a baby (or babies) every year. But when the twins, Knox and Vivienne, were born last July, they stopped making firm plans to bring another child into their home in 2009. "Brad has this nagging parental guilt" a friend explains. "He worries that the ones they have are not getting enough love." (Sidebar of my own: I've got a nagging parental guilt" too - I worry these dipshits are someone's parents! But...I think I'll let Angie and Brad have the final words...

About that family, she and Mr. Pitt aren’t planning to stop at six. “Oh, no,” she said happily. “I mean, I know we seem crazy, just bringing them in one after the other, but we do plan. We make sure one is absorbed completely into the family before we add another. There are moments when we look at everyone around the dinner table, and it’s just crazy, but our family is the greatest thing we’ve done in our lives.”

"I had a whole other life and I got to experience a lot. And I probably got away with more than I should," he says. "And it kind of ran its course, you know, it kind of hit a dead end." Fatherhood, he notes, is "the direction I always thought I would go in. But not until, with Angie and it felt like a natural evolution, a natural direction.")