FOR MAGAZINES DATED APRIL 27, 2009
This week I'm going to change the format a bit and divide the report into 2 sections. I've put the Brad & Angie stories first so people who don't want to laugh at X don't have to wade through the info if they don't want to. Then, in the "Bonus Coverage" section, there are recaps on 2 X stories from the Bauer rags.
Briseis - There is a hidden song lyric in the report...and if you (or anyone for that matter) finds it it I'm gonna be VERY impressed. It's not just finding the lyric...you've got to name the artist and song title. I will give you all a hint though - To most people the person is an obscure British singer/songwriter who Stateside would be considered a "One Hit Wonder"...and the song isn't the "one hit". Good luck!
BRAD AND ANGELINA HAVEN'T BEEN SEEN TOGETHER IN 48 DAYS! (Or as I like to call this - Shiloh Watch: The Parental Edition)
Brad Pitt is so frustrated with Angelina Jolie that he flies to France by himself to clear his head - and think about their future together.
After having a heated argument with Angelina Jolie shortly before Easter, Brad Pitt flew thousands of miles away to Marseilles - alone. "What could he be doing in France that's so important he couldn't be with his kids?" (Sidebar: Insert disdainful sniffing noise here.) airport employee Marie LeGrand, who spotted Brad on April 9, tells In Touch. (Sidebar: What business is it of Marie's? Brad's a 45-year-old man. If Angie doesn't keep him tied to the bed, then Marie needs to mind her own biz. Undoubtedly she's a disgruntled Faniston who's still mad that Brad dumped her idol.)
According to a friend (Sidebar: It's more like, "According to the troll we have working at JustJared.com," aka Assley) Brad's excuse to Angelina was that he needed to check on the renovations being done at Chateau Miraval, their $70 million mansion near Aix-en-Provence. (Sidebar: Let's all give Assley a round of applause for doing her job last week with all of her, "Why's he going to France alone?" posts.) But privately Brad confided in a friend (Sidebar: Assley's a busy troll, ain't she?) that he needed space "and time away from her." (Sidebar: Brad needed time away...so he flew 3,000+ miles, stayed 2 days and then was in such a hurry to stay in France that instead of taking a commercial flight back to the U.S. he hired a private plane and flew back under the tabs' radar.)
As In Touch has reported, Brad, 45, and Angelina, 33, are fighting so much that they aren't even sleeping in the same bed. (Sidebar: I love it when tabs reference themselves...and their original story cites other tabloids. I guess that's supposed to make it true.) And the couple has not been seen together publicly since February 25, (Sidebar: At this point you're supposed to act like you're the general public - or a troll or Faniston - and pretend like Brad and Angie haven't been spotted all over Long Island together in the last month.) when they took their kids to see The Lion King in New York City. (Sidebar: Oh brother. It was The Little Mermaid! How in the hell can these losers expect to be taken seriously when they can't get KNOWN details correct?) "That must be very confusing for the children," Dr. Gilda Carle, author of the new e-book 99 Prescriptions For Fidelity, tells In Touch. (Sidebar: I guess OT has Dr. Gilda on retainer. They quote her every week so she's either under contract or they're blackmailing her to get her to cooperate.) "All this instability is unhealthy. They need to see their parents together." (Sidebar: Get your minds out of the gutter! Dr. Gilda doesn't work for IUC!)
Brad is becoming more disconnected from Angelina every day. She's been busy filming Salt in New York, but in the rare moments she is home, "She screams nonstop at him," a pal reveals. (Sidebar: NOW you can put your minds in the gutter. Somehow I don't think Brad minds all the screaming. "Harder, harder!" "Faster!", "Slow down, baby, we've got all night." and "Oh God! Oh my God! Right there! Right there!" are phrases most men dream of hearing their women screaming.)
Brad resents her because he's been playing Mr. Mom to Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara, 4, Shiloh, 2, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 9 months for the last 6 weeks. "He's absolutely burned out," his close friend explains. "And he's tired of picking up the slack for Angelina. (Sidebar: Now OT has offended every mother on the planet. Brad's been on Mr. Mom duty a whole 6 weeks...doesn't even seen the kids from 9:00am to 3:30pm (or whatever school hours are in NYC, that's what they are here)...and he's "worn out" from taking them to school and picking them up...AND HE'S GOT A FUCKING DRIVER! It must be that 2 hours before school that the tabs say the nannies spend getting the kids ready that are tiring him out. Or maybe it's the 2 hours the tabs says the nannies spend after school and before dinner time getting the kids snacks and helping them change into play clothes. Then again...it could be the that whole hour he spends helping the kids eat their dinner that's tuckering him out. Or possibly that 2 hours of watching kiddie flix before the kids turn in at 7:30-8pm. In other words - the tabs say they've got "an army of nannies"...so what the hell is there left for Brad to do that would make him tired?) But Dr. Gilda says that running away is never the answer: "They have to communicate their feelings," before it's too late. (Sidebar: I take it back - Dr. Gilda is working for free...which explains how OuttaTouch can afford her services with their dwindling circulation making profits non-existent. My advice to them is to get an 8 Ball. It's much more entertaining than Dr. Gilda...and it's portable, too!)
OuttaTouch then offers up a slew of pix to prove the veracity of their latest tale of Jolie-Pitt marital woe:
1. Tense at the Oscars - Photo of Brad and Angie at the Oscars RC...looking slightly annoyed...may have been when they heard Gaycrest begging for an interview...
Brad and Angelina seemed strained at the Academy Awards in LA on February 22, when they came face-to-face with his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, for the very first time. (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, they were so tense they laughed and joked with the Peeps reporter...and smiled condescendingly at X as she flubbed her lines on stage.)
2. A public outing - Photo of the family exiting the theater on Feb 25
They took the kids, Maddox, Pax, Shiloh and Zahara to see the Broadway show, "The Lion King" in NYC. It was the last time the couple was photographed together. (Sidebar of my own: It's really sad when a magazine reports incorrect information...but TWICE ON THE SAME PAGE? No wonder their circ numbers are circling the drain. However...they did get to the crux of their problem - Brad and Angie won't stand still and let the razzi snap them so the tabs will have new pix to exploit. Why can't they just say that and save the drama?)
3. He's Mr. Mom while she's working
While Angelina films the thriller Salt, Brad has been taking care of their six kids, "24/7," his friend says. and it hasn't been easy. "The kids are out of control and the house is chaos," says another pal. (Sidebar of my own: Welcome to suburbia, Bradley. You want it, you need it, break your back to feed it, they're raising your body from the ground.)
4. He takes off
On April 9 Brad, wearing a pink necklace a family friend (Assley) says Zahara and Shiloh made for him, flew thousands of miles away to the south of France alone. "He was happy to get some space," a pal tells In Touch. (Sidebar of my own: OT, like Star, suffers from a severe case of If-we-say-it-often-enough-people-will-stop-wondering-if-we're-lying-and-think-we're-telling-the-truthitis.)
Four years and six kids later...PREGNANT AGAIN!
They've been fighting and were even sleeping in separate beds, but Brad and Angelina are having another bio baby - and it's brought them back from the brink.
by Jennifer Pearson, Heidi Parker, Casey Brennan & Ilyssa Panitz (As you know, when possible I like to give credit where credit is due for these tabloid stories. Wouldn't want anyone shortchanged on their brazilliance.)
And baby makes...seven! While they tried to keep the news under wraps until she was three months along, Star can exclusively reveal that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are adding another child to their clan! (Sidebar: It's so exclusive even Angie & Brad don't know about it!)
"Yes, Angie is pregnant," a family insider tells Star. "they'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible." (Sidebar: If they've been trying to get pregnant...why would she be shocked if were pregnant - regardless of whether or not they're fighting? This makes no sense whatsoever.)
But a source close to the 33-year-old actress confirms that Angie is about two and a half months along. "She's thrilled. she said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" (Sidebar: She knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it...BUT...she was shocked when it was positive. Somebody call Mr. Spock to unravel this illogical shit for me.)
"IT HAPPENED JUST IN TIME!"
The happy news has ended the silent treatment and bitter fighting that erupted, as Star exclusively reported, when Angie caught Brad, 45, warmly comforting a nanny in February. (Sidebar: "Warmly comforting" ROTFLMAO. Talk about some fancy dancing to keep the lawsuits at bay!)
While their four-year romance has always been passionate, it's also been a tumultuous, nonstop emotional roller coaster. (Sidebar: At least in tabloidland it has been. 27 breakup, 14 pregnancies and 8 "Jen comes between Brad and Angie!" tales a year would take a toll on any fictional heroine.) In fact, the couple were barely speaking and often sleeping apart when Brad flew solo to New Orleans to oversee his rebuilding project for a couple of days in late march. (Sidebar: It was 1 day, but I'm still going to celebrate that they got at least one grain of truth in the story.) Although Angie knew that she was expecting before Brad left town, she waited until he got back to tell him. The time apart, says a source, gave Angelina a chance to simmer down. And when Brad returned, she greeted him with the exciting news." (Sidebar: Ummm...if things were hunky dory between them since the end of March...then why has Star spent ALL OF APRIL telling us about NannyGate, separate bedrooms, Brad sleeping in a tent in the kids' rooms, incessant fighting, Mr. Mom overloaditis, etc, etc, etc?)
"It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them," says once source. Adds another, "It was a crazy moment - they almost split up, and now they're having a baby!" (Sidebar: Re-read this section but preface it with, "After wiping her brow and exhaling forcefully our source exclaimed 'Whew! Crisis averted!...")
Their love life is also sizzling again. Star has learned that on April 1, Angie's stylist Jen Rade picked up loads of lacy, silky negligees at the La Perla boutique in Beverly Hills to ship to her in New York! Angie loves looking sexy for Brad - even when she's pregnant, says the family insider. "They're making up for lost time in the bedroom." (Sidebar: Not too put too fine a point on this, but...they were supposedly "making up for lost time" during this entire month while Star has been talking about them fighting IN PRESENT, NOT PAST, TENSE! Do these dumb slags really not understand that this story makes them look like pathological, serial liars? Which they are, but typically the goal is to NOT let the public know that.)
FERTILITY DIET AND DRUGS
While intense chemistry brought the couple together, their six children, Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara 4, Shiloh, 2, and twins Knox and Vivienne, 9 months are the glue that binds them. "They knew from the moment they fell in love that they wanted a huge family," says the insider. "Now they're adding another one, the romance is back and everything seems OK again." (Sidebar: I feel like busting out in a chorus of "You Light Up My Life.")
Angie only gave birth to the twins last July, but they had been trying for another baby for awhile. "They were hoping all along to get pregnant during the first half of the year," says another insider. (Sidebar: Yeah...right...Yet Angie was "surprised" when she saw the positive test results. I think everyone at the Star is suffering from a severe case of Mass Alzheimer's Disease. You can get that shit from the office water cooler, ya know. I guess Star figured Angie was planning on doing all over her own stunts for Salt...regardless of whether or not she was 4 months preggers and endangering her much desired baby's life. There's is absolutely no logic applied anywhere in this drivel.) Angelina has even been taking the fertility drug Clomid, and following a "fertility diet," a family friend tells the Star. (Sidebar: Brad and Angie's family friend just so happens to be editor of notOK magazine, Where, several weeks ago, they divulged in great detail that Angie was on a "fertility diet". WTF is a fertility diet? Do you eat nothing but spinach, oysters, avocados, pomegranates and asparagus...and drink the water from the "fertility spring" that Nic Kidman bathed in to get preggers?)
Angie's also supplementing her diet with prenatal vitamins - but she’s been battling cravings for Twinkies! "She's back to eating meat, veggies and fruit," says the first insider. "She usually eats a lot of junk or skips meals, but when she's expecting, she really tries to change that." (Sidebar: I guess the good folks at Star don't know about Angie's "extreme dieting" to lose 21 pounds in 21 days, huh? Cuz...that can't be good for the baby...)
Although she'll soon be showing, Angie and Brad haven't told the older kids about their new sibling yet. "They're waiting until Angie is at least three months along," says the family insider. "They don't want to jinx anything." (Sidebar: Soooooo...Brad and Angie haven't told their rugrats...but the Star feels no such need to maintain their silence. Thank God none of the kids can read beyond a 2nds grade level...wait...what am I saying...that's exactly Star's demo...) And with good reason - Angie struggled with gestational diabetes, edema and fatigue during her last pregnancy. (Sidebar: That's according to Star. Angie said she had no such problems. The doctor who delivered the twins only said they were delivering early for "the mother's comfort". He certainly never specified why Angie was is discomfort. It may have had something to do with the two 5 pound human beings staging a mini Troy battle scene for the most comfortable sleeping position. But...this is not my story. So far be it from me to interject a little truth into the proceedings...)
Angelina is also carefully keeping her baby news under wraps on the set of Salt. Although her bump isn't visible yet, (Sidebar: Note to the troll who claimed her brother was working on the Salt set on Long Island - The Star says you're full of caca. That's Spanish for "shit". I've got a hinky feeling that you're NOT bilingual.) "between every single take, she disappears into her own private area," says a set insider. "Her makeup and hair are done in complete privacy. (Sidebar: This would be due to the fact that baby bumps frequently first manifest themselves as large acne-like pustules on the forehead or chin. Months later they travel south and land in the uterus. Then voila! From zit to bump in 3 months flat.) She's especially particular about the wardrobe area." (Sidebar: I don't know why that would be the case if she's not showing? Or if her belly's not completely bulimic concave she always borrow X's excuse - "I had Mexican for dinner last night. Frijoles. I could blow at any minute. Consider yourselves warned!" NOTE TO TROLL: Frijoles is Spanish for "beans". I'll translate as I go because I wouldn't want to leave any of you behind scratching your asses wondering what I meant when everyone else has moved on to the next section.)
It's not easy being a working mom - and a pregnant one. "Angelina has morning sickness and is feeling nauseous a lot," the source says. "Her doctors have warned her about overdoing it too early in the pregnancy." (Sidebar: Oh goody...from now until Cannes the Star will have a running update of this fake pregnancy - replete with stories of Angie over-exerting herself and passing out on the set, Brad being afraid for the baby's life because Angie's - a) doing too much at home; b) insisting on doing her own stunts on the set despite carrying quadruplets; and c) the gestational diabetes, edema and fatigue have returned like Montezuma's Revenge. NOTE FOR THE TROLLS: If you don't know who Montezuma is or what his revenge was - Wikipedia.com. Use it, don't abuse it.)
And Angie has vowed to take it easy. "I'm not as ambitious as I used to be - my family is my priority," she told a British magazine. "After Salt, I'll take most of the rest of the year off." In fact, Brad plans to whisk Angie and the kids away for a relaxing vacation after filming ends. "He's looking into renting a place in Fiji or the Virgin Islands," says the source. Then the family will spend the summer at their Chateau in France, where Angie can hang out with the kids and enjoy her pregnancy - and her rekindled romance with Brad! (Sidebar: Didn't I see a story the other day that Moneyball is scheduled to start filming in June? It's gonna be interesting to see if the Star mistakes Oakland, CA for Southern France or Fiji.)
"She's absolutely loves being pregnant," the family insider tells Star. "Angie says that's when she feels the sexiest. And she says Brad can't resist her when she's pregnant. It makes them even crazier about each other." (Sidebar: Awwww...I'm so glad our two love birds have rekindled their romance! How sweet. I was sooooooooooooooooo worried about them!)
SIDEBAR - THE MOMENT SHE TOLD BRAD (pic of them at the CCA's with Angie looking over her shoulder and smiling at Brad)
It was magical. (Sidebar of my own: Why...it was just like a work of fiction!) Brad and Angie were on the verge of splitting after she walked in on him and the nanny. But when Brad returned to their rented mansion in Long Island, N.Y., from a trip to New Orleans, "Angie met him by the front door, looking gorgeous, and told him she was having a baby," a source tells Star. "Brad was shocked at first - I mean, he was just stunned. He literally swept Angelina off her feet and carried her into the house. He was laughing and crying and kissing her. It was very emotional for them both. The tension had been so thick around them these past few weeks, they weren't even speaking or sleeping together. Now the news of the pregnancy has changed everything." (Sidebar of my own: Jesus this dreck is worse than Danielle Steel and Barbara Cartland put together. Only a complete moron would believe that a couple with as many issues as Star claims Brad & Angie have would suddenly have a Hallmark reunion over a possible pregnancy. The problems don't cease to exist just because you're having a baby - in fact a pregnancy would just make it worse. I take back what I said earlier about 2nd grade, i.e. 8 year olds, being Star's demo. It's more like hydrocephalics wearing football helmets, 1/2" thick eye glasses and drool cups.)
SIDEBAR - SPECIAL DELIVERY - Pix detailing the birth places of the bio babies - Nice for the twins, Namibia for Shiloh..."New Orleans?" for "Baby #7" and it's dated "November 2009". (Now somebody help me with my math...It was April 14th when the Star went to press. If Angie is supposedly 2 1/2 months preggers...that puts conception back around the end of January or the first of February...back before Angie started Salt...when she knew she would be doing her own stunts...pregnant. Now the last time I checked a HUMAN pregnancy is 9 months...FEBRUARY, MARCH, APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER. But...Star says the baby's gonna be born in November. That's all I'm saying...)
Brad and Angie's rainbow tribe hails from all corners of the world! Adopted kids Maddox, Pax and Zahara were adopted (Sidebar of my own: The use of "adopted" twice is redundant. Guess the editor was sick the day they went to press.) from Cambodia, Vietnam and Ethiopia, and bio babies Shiloh and twins Knox and Vivienne were delivered in Namibia and France. So where will the newest bundle of joy make a grand entrance? (Sidebar of my own: My guess is she'll spring forth from Candace Trunzo's big ass forehead...) "Brad wants more than anything to have the baby born in the U.S.A.," says a source. "He's pushing for New Orleans because he loves it so much. Angelina hasn't said no - but she hasn't said yes. I bet she'll come up with somewhere totally different. That's her nature." (Sidebar: Angie's gonna choose to have the baby on Saturn. Hey, if Star can tell tall tales, then so can I!)
SIDEBAR - CHAOS IN THE CLASSROOM - picture of Brad with Maddox & Pax going to Mars 2112
While Angelina shoots her spy thriller Salt, sons Maddox and Pax are enrolled in a fancy private school nestled amid greenery on the North Shore of Long Island, N.Y. And Brad and Angie are ruffling feathers with their demands! "The other kids have been told not to bother Maddox or Pax," a source tells Star. "and everyone's been specifically told to never ask about Brad or Angelina. The children are a little freaked out!" (Sidebar of my own: Now why would the kids ask about Brad and Angie...and why would school officials tell them not to ask about Brad and Angie? Shit makes no sense whatsoever.) While Brad and Angie have become regulars at local restaurants like Bistro Cassis and DiRaimo's Pizza, they haven't been spotted at the school. (Sidebar: ROTLFMAO. I guess the eye witnesses that notOK and US Lies Weakly both cited this week in short articles about Brad picking up the kids at school were too elitist be bothered with the likes of Star magazine.) "Maddox and Pax started in late March, but none of the parents have seen Brad or Angie," says the source. Instead bodyguards drop the boys off and pick them up in big black SUVs with tinted windows. "The guards walk them in and stand outside their classrooms all day." (Sidebar: Liar, liar pants on fi-ya! Let's see...the Star tries to bribe a clergyman to say that Brad and Angie got married in New Orleans in December 2007...but in April 2009 they can't spring enough jack to remove the stink of being associated with them and pay off the same witnesses the other mags used. Otherwise they'd know that Brad was seen with Maddox and Pax in Dunkin Donuts getting a shot of morning sugar (not the good grown-up kind) before dropping the kids off at school...then picks them up after school...all the while dodging a few dozen socialites dressed to the nines while taking their kids to school? Yep...it's official...this damned recession needs to end!)
BTW - This is unrelated to Brad and Angie, but in a section called STAR BEAUTY they talked about the news hair trend, "BOHO BRAIDS".
A hair stylist at some tony LA salon talks about the hot hair trend for tween idols set...small braids in the hair. Their examples were...
Selena Gomez - 15
Nicole Scherzinger - 29
Blake Lively - 22
Amanda Seyfried - 22
Kim KardASSian - 28
Let me add my own name to the list...
X - 40 - 4 fucking 0
Now...Which of these things is not like the rest?
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BONUS COVERAGE!!!!
Reading these stories about X is funnier than Friends ever was. I saw 1/2 an episode of that shit, never laughed once...wasted 15 minutes of my life I can never get back. For that reason alone I will rag on that skank until she either dies or goes the fuck away. In other words - I'm settling in for the long haul because mega famewhores like X will never go away. They'll always claw and scrape and maneuver to be in the spotlight.
With that in mind...let's have a couple of laughs at X's expense...
First of all - I'll spare you the OuttaTouch story on X chasing after Gerard Butler called "Risky Rebound". The premise of the story is that X was seen "canoodling" with GB at a couple of restaurants in NYC because she's wooing him for the cowgirl prison musical she's been trying to get funded for the last 4 years. I hate to break it to the twit, but if she can't funding for a romcom, then why the hell would she think a studio would pony up $50MIL for her to make a movie outside her tiny niche market?
Be that as it may - OuttaTouch says X is picking another playa who has no intention of settling down and she's courting heartbreak again. Personally I'm laughing at this story because there have NOT been any reports of X dining with Gerard Butler in NYC. But you know how the tabs are - he's in NYC...she's in NYC...IT COULD HAPPEN! LOL. Only in the tabloids...
OuttaTouch then goes on to list the reasons why Gerard Butler is the wrong guy for X. Personally I think X just has a thing for men who've complimented or admired Angie in the past - men she's worked with (GB and Daniel Craig) and men who lust after her (The Urinator and ever other straight man on the planet). Bitch has got a lot of men to screw, so she'd better get to work on it...
1. He's a fame seeker - their proof? At the 300 premiere he had photo op with Rosario Dawson. Rosario Dawson is NOT all that famous. I can't name one thing she was in except the last Will Smith movie - Seven Pounds. If I can't name anything...can the average 4th grader who reads OuttaTouch?
2. He's a player- their proof? He was seen swapping spit with Shanna Moakler during one of her splits from Travis Barker. GB is a playa...but not because he was seen tongue dancing with Shanna Moakler. He's a playa because he hits it and quits it. I'm waiting for his hookup with Kate Hudson. It's only a matter of time...
3. He won't comment and has a history of dating models and actresses on the rise. Well...what's that got to do with X? She's short, fug and old...so modeling isn't an option. She's not an actress on the rise...ho's gone as far up the acting ladder as she'll ever get. Hope she enjoyed her 120 seconds on the Kodak Theater's stage because the only time she'll ever be on it is to present awards when the real movie stars have turned the producers down.
LIES & SHIT
JEN DOESN'T WANT TO GET OLD
In this little sad tale of woe is X Lies and Shit had the perfect opportunity to lampoon X's obsession with holding back Father Time. This could have been a hilarious screed on how much Botox, Restylane, Juvederm and collagen X is pumping into her face to rectify years of sun damage and just plain fugness. They could have laughed at the hundreds of thousands of dollars she's paying plastic surgeons like Dr. Raj Kanoodia to make her nose look smaller than Adrian Brody's...or how she had her hairline moved down 2 inches...or even her ridiculous attempts at plumping her razor-thin lips.
Instead of the aforementioned chucklefest Lies & Shit turns this into a tale about X's lasted dud of a romcom - The Baster. Apparently in the flick she ages from 40 to 48 and it's freaking her out. The usual anonymous set source says, "She's being controlling and snapping quite a lot. It's pretty out of character for her." Now really...who gives a shit if she's snippy after her latest dumping? She should be kissing terra firma and thanking God The Urinator doesn't need money and hasn't sold his story to The Sun or The Daily Mail (UK tabs pay a wee bit better than their U.S. counterparts).
So...X is freaking out on the Dud Romcom set and bugging the make-up artists about how they're going to age her...you know, onacounta she NATUALLY looks so fucking young and all. Lies & Shit once again turns to their fictitious source, "She's asking the makeup artist what high-tech effects they're going to use to age her, and she was disappointed to learn there aren't any." What the fuck does she think this is - Benjamina Button Gets Knocked Up? The whole budget for this movie is probably less than $25MIL and this dumb how expect them to spend it all on prosthetics to age her? Fuck...just off take the ton of makeup she wears, get a syringe and remove the 8 ounces of fillers she's got in her face. Her skin will droop back to its normal saggy state in no time. Cost? Around $20 for the syringes...unless you buy them off a smack addict in Time Square. Then you can get them for a 10 spot and a crack rock.
At this point I was losing interest in this crap until I saw that L&S also cornered X's daddy at the book reading at B&N like US did. So her daddy is at this book reading, presumably to...well..PROMOTE THE BOOK!...and instead he's answering questions about how X is doing? "She's having a good time with the movie. She's doing terrific." What kind of insecure bitch calls her daddy and asks him to use a promotional appearance for A CHILDREN'S BOOK to tell the world how great she is? Methinks someone spends a little bit too much time up their own ass.
L&S then tops this creaky story off by saying that X ain't as together as she acts. You think? Out comes the usual unnamed sources, "For all her talk that she's in a great place, Jen really is struggling. She does everything she can to stay as young-looking as possible." Including dressing like she's 25 instead of 40. Cargo pants, tank tops, tight jeans, braids in her flat-ironed hair and most recently Converse sneakers. At 40. Wait a sec...25 is too old. Better make that 14.
As we all know, no story on X would be complete without a reference to her barrenness...is that even a word? Just pretend like I'm quoting DJ. Since aging is a big part of the movie it's apparently, according to L&S, making X think about her dwindling supply of shriveled up, nicotine-and-tar-laced eggs. Lies & Shit remains formulaic and outcome the quotes about X's thankfully childless state, "She's fully aware of how loudly her clock is ticking. She's definitely not her usual carefree self." On what planet has X ever been "carefree". This bitch is so neurotic that as an infant she refused to poop in her diapers because she knew she was going to be the biggest movie star evah and didn't want anyone from her past selling the story to the tabloids. She made her mother hold her over the toilet...and wipe her ass with baby wipes. No Charmin for her. Oh snap...X and Terence Howard...perfect couple! You know what they say...once you go black, you never go back. Wait a sec...I take that entire idea back. I don't wish X on my peeps...and God knows I sure wouldn't want her creating a human life that society would deem one of my peeps. I'd have to do a Michael Jackson...wonder how much those drugs cost? Do you think my insurance would cover that? I wonder what the prescription co-pay would be....
L&S closes out this sad ass story with a sidebar - How Jen Is Trying To Hold Back Tim - that's mean to reassure her hens that not only does their idol has no reason to worry about the creeping hands of the clock. They have two pictures - one from 1997 and one from March when she was peddling TDF in Europe. In bother pictures she's wearing floral dresses. Wonder how long some poor intern had to sear their eyeballs looking at pix of X to find 2 pix of similar outfits that didn't involve jeans. If it were me I'd ask for a Hazmat suit first. L&S uses these pix to divulge X's "neat trick for staying young" - "It's her style!" Yes, they said "her style". I didn't realize that any woman over the age of 22, who's not still in school, considered jeans and t-shirts "style". Sounds like someone needs a visit from Stacy and Clinton. Be that as it may...out comes the professional "image consultant" Michael Sands, who declares, "It's good for her career that she looks as good as she did 10 years ago. She's basically ageless at this point. She looks fantastic. I don't think the average moviegoer would accept her changing her great looks." Stop laughing. It says he's a "professional image consultant". That means L&S paid him for this opinion, which means he'll say whatever the hell they want him to say. It's the Fanistons who plunk down their money for this dreck, so gotta give the story a happy ending for X, ya know! Meanwhile, the rest of us are laughing our asses off because we know that the "average moviegoer" doesn't go see X's movies! No matter what she looks like - nobody is paying money to see Rachel Green on the big screen.
After L&S spent a page and half tiptoeing around X's insecurities over aging...some genius decided it would be a good idea to throw a few older actresses on the funeral pyre. Because X ages to 48 in the film they chose a host of very good to excellent actresses to show us what 48 can look like...
1. Tilda Swinton, makeupless, and they said she looks her age. When Tilda Swinton is in a movie and made up, she looks much younger than her age. But because she refuses to pander to society and refuses to be the stereotypical "actress"...they rag on her looking her age. Nice.
2. Elizabeth Perkins - they say she looks mid-30s. I had to go to IMDB to remind myself who Elizabeth Perkins is...so I'm thinking not too many people care what she looks like...
3. Kathy Griffin - they say she looks early 40s. I can't argue with that. I saw her in a bikini standing next to Paris Hilton, who was also in a bikini, and she's in surprisingly great shape for a comedian. She certainly looked better in her bikini than X does. Just had to throw that in there...
4. Kristin Scott-Thomas - they say she looks mid-40s and their plastic surgeon expert said she "needs a little work around her eyes". How sad is it that a woman can't even have crow’s feet anymore...and then they bitch at us for lying about our ages. Well, if you want us to tell the truth...stop pressuring us to fix the things that make us look our age!
5. Julianne Moore - they say she looks mid-30s. No argument from me. She's a gorgeous woman and a fantastic actress. It's a shame that she had to be demeaned by being made part of a story on X's neurotic patheticness.
6. Daryl Hannah - they say she looks mid-30s. The doc was being kind. She's got that face-stretched-by-too-large-cheek-implants/waxy look going on. I didn't even recognize her.
