For magazines dated June 1, 2009

Before I get started - this has got to be the laziest holiday-week issue of a magazine evah. If they hadn't bothered to write anything...they'd have had a better story than this. It's cobbled together based on the imagination of Star's "writers" and bullshit from OuttaTouch. Yes, that's right, Star was so lazy they don't even attempt to pretend this isn't a direct rip-off of the OuttaTouch story...




ANGIE CATCHES BRAD WITH JEN: The Explosive Confrontation

Jealous Angie freaks out after walking in on Brad and his ex in the middle of an intimate chat - and now she's threatening to leave if he doesn't ditch Jen!

By the usual skaggettes - Suzanne Rosdeba, Casey Brennan, Heidi Parker and Jennifer Pearson

It will never end. (Sidebar: No, Star is NOT referring to their incessant fake Brangie stories.) Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston just can't quit each other, and it's drive Angelina Jolie crazy! (Sidebar: I guess it would be mean of Star to tell the truth - that X will never stop pimping her career on Brad & Angie's backs...)

The drama in Hollywood's most famous triangle just got nastier after Angie nailed Brad talking to his ex-wife, Jen, in the middle of the night. (Sidebar: PT EXCLUSIVE! I can exclusively reveal to you that a "close family member" has given PT the scoop of a lifetime! What I can reveal to you is that the "nailing" involved a toy phone, Brad pretending to talk to X while handcuffed to the bed, nekkid except for a striped tie similar to the one X wore on the GQ cover (which he borrowed from Pax and hopes to return, washed and stainless, without Pax knowing Daddy borrowed it), Angie in a black leather bustier and thong, her hair a mass of curls tumbling down her back, wearing fishnet stockings with a black leather garter belt, Christian Louboutin 6" stiletto fuck-me kicks and brandishing a whip while purring, "Someone's been a bad, bad boy, now haven't they? Has Bradley been a bad, bad boy? Does Bradley want Mama to show him what happens to bad, bad boys? Does Bradley want to show Mama how sorry he is for being such a bad, bad boy? Tell Mama how Bradley is going to make it up to her for being such a bad, bad boy...") (PS - I started to say Brad was wearing a diaper, but that's just so been there, done that and played out...)

In early May, Brad was in the kitchen of the family's rented Long Island, NY home after all six kids had gone to sleep when - surprise! - Angie came home from the set of her movies Salt a few hours earlier than expected, and he was busted. (Sidebar: Wow. Apparently Star's "insider" isn't as "inside" as my insider. Boy...Candace Trunzo is gonna be soooooo pissed when she finds out about MY scoop!)

"She hard him say, 'Relax, Jen. Everything will be OK,'" a family insider tells Star. "Angie totally flipped! She slammed her hand on the counter and stormed out of the room." Brad quickly ended the call and ran after his livid lover. (Sidebar: Every week I read this shit and shake my head that there are really people gullible enough to believe Brad, Angie and even X give people a word-by-word accounting of what was said...and then continue talking to the people who are literally SELLING them out to the tabs. It takes an especially low IQ to believe this drivel.) But the battle was only beginning. "Angie said she felt betrayed and disgusted," the insider continues. "She told Brad right then and there, 'It's her or me!' Brad shot back, 'You talk to your exes - why can't I? (Sidebar: Not to put too fine a point on it, but maybe...just maybe...it's because JLM and BBT aren't stalking the two of them the way X is? Could just be me though...) She's just a friend and needed some advice.' But Angie didn't care. She told Brad, "Enough with Jennifer!'" (Sidebar: Yeah. "A little advice." That's how it always starts. First the ho needs a little advice, then you dodge her calls for a few years and the next thing you know she's boiling Viv's stuffed rabbit and leaving messages on your voice mail claiming, "I will NOT be ignored, Brad!")

TEXT MESSAGES TOO!

This isn't the first time Angelina has caught Brad, 45, communicating with Jen, 40. As Star reported in August 2008 when Jen was heartbroken by her first split with ex-boyfriend, John Mayer, Brad consoled her during a compassionate phone call. (Sidebar: For those of you scratching your heads - it was while the Pitts were in France after the twins' birth. Star claimed X called to whine to Jane about The Urinator not wanting to pee on her anymore and Jane didn't want to hear that shit and wondered how X had even gotten her new phone number and why X couldn't take a hint after Jane had changed her phone number 93 times over the 3 previous years, so she gave the phone to Brad and made Brad talk to X because it was his damned fault form getting involved with X and giving her a reason for having to dodge X in the first place. Of course the Star didn't exactly put it like that...but that's basically how it shakes out.) The former marrieds have been in touch ever since. and multiple sources tell Star (Sidebar: "Multiple sources" = The Sun, Daily Mirror, News Of the World, Grazia and OuttaTouch.) the lines of communication between them have really been heating up lately, and Angie, 33, is going nuclear. (Sidebar: Puh-leeze. The only lines that are heating up are the lines of coke X is doing off her cigarette lighter!)

Shortly before the late-night phone call, Angie read multiple texts on Brad's phone that he'd secretly sent to the Management star. "Brad was in the shower and his phone was in the bedroom," another family friend tells Star. "He got a message, and Angie was in the room and read it. It was from Jen, asking how his day was and if he wanted to get together sometime for lunch." (Sidebar: Somebody shoot me now so I don't have to finish this report. Let me see if I have this straight - X sent Brad a text asking how his day was and does he want to do lunch sometime? Although I think X is just about the most desperate and pathetic slag on the planet - even I doubt she'd be stupid enough to be calling/texting Brad and asking him out to lunch. That's like sleeping with a guy on the first date and wondering why he doesn't call you the next day. Oh wait...she's done that, too, so pretend like she's not a big slut for a sec. There's no way Little Miss Insecure would be calling up the man who left skidmarks on her forehead after he ran over her to get to Angie and asking him out to lunch. Just not gonna happen. Especially not with Angie and six kids in the picture. One little raised eyebrow from Angie and X is back on the beach with Norman screaming at the ocean and crying in her Dirty 'Ritas. And if that didn't work, then Angie would just send Z to get her daddy. Z would put on her little pouty face and Brad would melt faster than the ice in X's Stoli.)

ANGIE ON THE WARPATH

Angry Angie also found two messages on Brad's phone that he had sent to Jen, telling her that he missed talking to her and that he and Angie were going through a really rough patch. (Sidebar: Woo-hoo! Once again my "insider" has come through with an EXCLUSIVE scoop for you guys! My insider has been lucky enough to obtain a word for word copy of the 2 messages Angie found on Brad's phone:

Message #1: "Jen, Brad here. Just wanted to let you know. I got your 7,942,641 calls over the last 4 years and nearly 6 months. I really miss talking to you, too...about like I miss not having a red hot railroad spike shove up my ass for 2 hours, taken out, reheated and re-inserted for another 2 hours. Missing talking to you is right up there with missing having to wipe your vomit off the bathroom floor after you've been a 36 hour coke-pot-booze-ciggie bender. Oops...gotta go. Mad has Paxie in a headlock and is giving him his first nuggie!"

Message #2: "Hey Jen...it's Brad again. I hung up rather abruptly - that darn Maddox... Anyway...I still had something I needed to tell you. Angie and I are going through a bit of a rough patch right now, so enough of your bullshit, 'kay? Angie's working crazy hours on her summer blockbuster for next year and my balls are so blue I can barely take a whiz without severe muscle cramps! I'm telling you...my shit is BACKED UP! I'll be glad when this shoot is over. Two days alone at Cannes barely took the edge off. When her movie wraps my folks are going to take the kids and I'm taking Angie on a long, long, LOOOOOOONNNNGGGGGG weekend of 'Mommy/Daddy Time'...so if you see video of Angie limping in a few weeks...ignore it. She heels really quickly and is such trooper! Oh fuck! Gotta go again...now Shi and Z are making Mad play Barbies with them. He hates that girlie shit...No! Mad...don't tear that arm off!"

...at which point Brad had to hang up and go rescue Shiloh favorite doll...)

"Angie came into the bathroom and threw the phone, breaking it," the friend continues. Angie was crying, the friend adds, and told Brad that he's the father of six children - you know the drill, name and ages) - and he'll have to end any kind of relationship with his ex-wife. (Sidebar: I'm scratching my head as to why having 6 kids is a pre-requisite for not talking to X. You'd think the fact that she's the world's biggest tool would be enough of a reason...) But even though Angie's on the warpath, Brad and Jen met face-to-face in NYC on April 23. According to one report, her visited her on the NYC set of her film The Baster, and they rode in Brad's SUV, chatting over a cup of coffee. (Sidebar: Pathetic. You know your story is lame when you're citing the competition...who you KNOW made up their story...the same way you make up your stories every week. Instead of selling this issue, Star should have handed it out to the homeless to use as insulation for the cardboard box houses...and even that's too good a use for this shit.)

And while Brad and Angie are traveling to France for the Cannes Film Festival, it will still be tough for Brad to cut the cord, sources tell Star, especially since he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. (Sidebar: BBBBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't believe Star didn't hire The Amazing Kreskin to inform them that Brad, while in France, would drop his Blackberry in the toilet, and therefore be offline while at Cannes, ergo he would be unable to "drunk-dial" X. And one other thing - Star stole this "drunk-dial" bit from a story last year after The Urinator dumped X the first time. Back when she was pimping misManagement at the TIFF The Sun said X was drunk-dialing The Urinator begging him to finish out his contract. Er, I meant, take her back, of course. Stealing from the likes of OuttaTouch is bad enough...but The Sun? That's a whole different kind of pathetic.) Making matters worse, Brad will film his new movie, Moneyball: The Art of Winning on Unfair Game, in California this summer while Angie and the kids stay in the south of France! (Sidebar: As. Fucking. If. Even if Brad hadn't talked about their 3-day rule at Cannes, at what point in the last 4+ years has Brad and Angie been separated from each other, let alone their kids, for more than 7 consecutive days? Yet, even if Brad and Angie were having problems, does the Star actually think Brad would schedule a movie for the summer, when school is out of session and while his children are half a world away in France? Double. As. Fucking. If.)

"He's been contacting Jen a lot lately, despite Angie's jealousy," says a source. "They have had several late night conversations, and Brad enjoys their long chats, especially after he's been drinking. Jennifer takes his calls and listens attentively to his problems. She still cares about him and told him she always will." (Sidebar: It just so happens that PT has ANOTHER exclusive! Yes, that's right - my "insider" who's...well...inside...accidentally-on-purpose overheard one of Brad & Jen's convo's because Brad, in his drunken state, accidentally hit the speaker phone button. Thankfully my "source" has a photographic memory with total recall! Isn't that an amazing coincidence?

The conversation she...er, my "source"...overheard started when Angie was working late on the Salt set one night. Brad had a few drinks, not enough to be declared an alcoholic, cuz, really...what harm could a dozen or so Heinekens do after spending 18 hours alone with 6 kids under the age of 8? Well...18 hours minus the 8 hours they were in school, the 2 hours worth of "time-outs" for Pax, the 4 hours worth of naps for Viv & Knox, the 2 hours worth of naps for Shi, Z and Pax, and the 2 hours Mad spent speaking French with the nanny while Brad scratched head and said, "Huh?" ever two words. Other than that...it was pretty much 18 straight hours alone with 6 kids under age 8.

Anyliar - so there's Brad and his Heinies and he felt the need to reach out to X. Brad took one last gulp of his beer, dialed X's number - okay, actually he had to dial it about 8 times because the numbers on the phone kept re-arranging themselves. As he's waiting for X to pick up Brad scratches his belly...then his chin...and then because he's a guy and he's alone...his balls...burps...loudly...and just because no one's around to hear him be gross...burps again, even louder, cracks himself up and starts laughing...just then...an answer on the other end of the line...

X's answering machine: Hello, you have reached the house of award winning actress and movie star Jennifer Aniston-Pitt...er...I mean Jennifer Anistoniakisisisis. Jennifer Aniston-Pitt was my stage name plus my married name, but nobody could pronounce my real name so my dad, years and years and years ago - way before I was born, I swear! - changed our name to something pronounceable by non-Greek speaking people...which if you think about it is just about everyone in the world really because the population of Greece is only a few million and once people moved away from there they didn't speak the language anymore because there's just too many i's, a's, s's and k's in the names. Oh. My. God! I couldn't even say my real name until I was almost 18, so just imagine how it must be for non-Greeks...which I consider myself anyway because it's only my father who's Greek and he left my mother when I was still a child and then I was raised by that horrible woman and she kept telling me I was "unbeautiful"! The nerve of her! She's got fake red hair and is friends with that old gossip bag Cyndy Adams! If that doesn't tell you what kind of bad taste my mother has then there's that time she wrote a book, about herself or so she claimed, but I know it was really just an excuse to make money off my fame. MY. FAME. NOT. HER'S. MINE! But did she understand my problem with her book when I asked her not to write about me? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! The selfish bitch just went right aheand whined to the world about her broken marriage and my father remarrying and not wanting me to live with him full-time...well, actually, that wasn't my dad's fault because he's a real sweetheart...or at least he was after I got to know him when I was 23 and moved to LA to become a big huge, honkin' movie star and he was just doing this pissy old soap opera that he'd been doing forever cuz he has no damned ambition, not like I do...plus, I was just mortified when I was in high school and the other kids saw his name in the credits and then saw my name...I mean my real name not my stage name...although...I was using my real name and my father was using his stage name so I'm not sure how they put it together that my dad was Victor Kiriakis...but when they did, then all the girls started asking me for scoops and wanted to know who The Pawn was and if Victor was going to run off to Greece with Diana and force her to marry him or if Roman, who turned out to not be Roman but that was years later when the original actor who played Roman came back to the show and then suddenly the replacement Roman wasn't Roman anymore, he was John and then my dad's storyline got really weird and convoluted...but that was okay because by that time I'd graduated high school and moved in with a friend of mine because I was determined to be a huge, huge, huge, mega, huge movie star...but I had to move to LA to do that because who's ever heard of a mega, huge movie star who lives in New York City? You can't do that when all the movie studios and connections and best agents and publicists are in California, so I moved to Beverly Hills...okay, not really Beverly Hills at first. It was further south than that...but not Compton south because...well, WHITE GIRL! I'm not stupid, ya know! And besides, my dad said he could put in a good word for me at NBC and it would be much easier to get work if I didn't have to give my agent a slum address. So of course I moved into the most expensive apartment my dad could afford for me because...well...HE OWED ME for never being there while I was growing up. Okay, never is kind of harsh, make that "hardly ever"...but I"m not mad or anything because I ended up being a much huger, and more importantly, gigantnormously richer than he could ever get working on some stupid little soap opera where he wasn't even THE STAR like I was on MY TV SHOW! Plus, I married way better than my dad did....and for 6 1/2 glorious years I was the most envied woman in the world because I was Mrs. William Bradley Pitt! Me, little Jenny Anistoniakasisiasiaskiasisisisis from the block! But, alas, that gravy train got derailed by this skank ass, sleazoid, bitch whose name will never cross my perfectly straight - even if they are a little pointy - bleached white teeth! Oh crud! I am NOT going to cry. Again. I refuse to cry one more tear over that brazen hussy! Who cares that my beautiful Bradley and I had one foot on a banana peel and the other over the Grand Canyon! It's the principle, dammit! Oh, fuck it! I AM GOING TO CRY! NORMAN! I WANT MY NORMAN!!! Norman, where you are, baby? Don't run from mama! You know how mama hates that. Norman! Norman Anistoniaskicakaiasissisasi you get back in here this instant! Goddammit Norman! I'm talking to you! Don't you dare go out that doggy door! Don't you...Fuck! Now I've got to go search for my most precious baby! Whoever you are leave me a message at the beep and I'll get back to you...NNNNNOOOOOORRRRRMMMMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!"

Brad (burping loudly): Golden, Golden, Golden...Norman's still too fast for ya, huh? Oh wait...shit...that's not really you is it? It's your damned answering machine. Again. Still dodging my calls because you know I'm going to shitcan your latest play, huh? Just like when we were married. Anytime I needed you...I got your goddamn answering machine. What the fuck is it that you find so fucking fascinating about this motherfucking answering machine that every fucking time I call I have to leave a fucking message? Never mind. Just forget I even fucking asked. In fact, forget I even fucking called. Wait - don't forget yet...I almost fucking forgot why I fucking called you. Tell your fucking PR bitch that if he leaks one more fucking story about you and me "texting" each other, meeting up on your set or "chatting" in my SUV - over fucking Starbuck's, nonetheless, when you know damned good and well I prefer Dunkin' Donuts' fucking coffee!, me supposedly fucking "drunk-dialing" you, you being fucking BFFs with my mother or even fucking hinting that I might be interested in you or any-fucking-thing you have to say, so help me God I will give one hell of a fucking exclusive to People magazine and spill all those fucking secrets you don't want America fucking knowing about. Two fucking words for ya - Marky Mark's fucking cousin. Actually...that was 4 fucking words, but you're so fucking stupid and jacked up on coke you probably didn't fucking notice. And one other fucking thing - Never. Fucking. Mention. My. Angie's. Fucking. Name. Or. Any. Of. My. Children's. Names. Especially. My. Princess. Zahara. Again. If you do, by the time Angie gets done kicking your fucking ass there won't be enough of your fucking face left for you to ever fucking "try" botox ever again. Please don't ever fucking attempt to fucking contact me again. I've fucking changed all the fucking phone numbers for myself and every fucking member of my fucking family. Get a fucking family of your own and fucking leave mine the fuck alone! BTW - I dare you to fucking save THIS FUCKING TAPE for one of your fucking beach-crying-moon-wailing-sticking-pins-in-voodoo-dolls walks down fucking Former Boyfriends and "My Husband" Memory Lane. I'm fucking outta here...again.")


Photos of Angie, Brad and X - Caption: Angie flipped when she saw "Golden," Brad's nickname for Jen, pop up on his cell phone, and the number was from a LA area code! "Angie accused Brad, and he came clean," says a source. "He told her he talks to Jen - a lot!" (Sidebar: "A lot". Please quantify "a lot," Star. And please qualify "Jen". Angie's stylist is also named "Jen". Who knows how many other women named "Jen" that Brad knows.")




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Also, this is just as an FYI on how low the tabloid world will sink for sales in these hard economic times, which really aren't all that hard because if they were these rags would already be out of business instead of nailing and clawing Angie's back trying to ride her to a profit...

Anyscumbags - That denizen of accuracy, truth and honor, The Globe, has forged an alliance with Mr. IUC. They have started quoting some of his claims the last few weeks in their rag. For those who don't know, Mr. IUC is writing a book on Brad and Angie and he says it will be out this fall. Sound like a threat, don't it? So far it's just stupid Brad stuff and The Globe has NOT repeated, yet, some of his ridiculous Angie stories. Last week it was an old stale story on Mike Tyson threatening to kill Brad when he was schtumping Robin Givens. This week, in a sidebar to their Obama's "gay scandal" cover story, is Mr. IUC's claim that Brad is in alcohol rehab. Brad is apparently smart enough to choose a rehab facility that gives furloughs for Cannes...where he was spotted...well...drinking...with Angie...and Angie didn't appear to be bum rushing his liquor consumption...but that's what enablers do, isn't it? Enable?

Unfortunately it doesn't look like Mr. IUC is going to go away quietly, so I sincerely hope Brad & Angie are keeping an eye on this creep and find something they can sue his socks off over.

For magazines dated May 18, 2009

Sorry for the delay folks. For all of you musical folks...2 song lyrics in this part of the report. Both were Top 40 hits in their respective days. One person is a rock icon, the other person...isn't...but S/he has a very respectable career even if s/he never sees the inside of the Rock & Roll Hall of fame.

Before I get into the OuttaTouch portion of the report, a few words about the Lies & Shit issue -



Below is a picture of a scanned page from the Lies & Shite (above) that I got from Jezebel.com's tab report. They, too, had a story about X and Brad "getting close again"...but they're story referred to the fact that the location of the hotel in Brad's SoftBank commercial shoot was about 6 blocks from the hotel X is staying at while filming her next dud. I thought I snapped pix of that story, too, but I can't find them and now I'm kicking myself for not checking sooner. The story is very careful not to say that Brad and X have met up while in NYC. In fact, it's just the opposite. It concentrates on how easy it would be for Brad (or Angie) to accidentally run into X. Their story DOES NOT corroborate OuttaTouch's tale (below) when one would think these two rags would get together and tell a similar story to at least make their tales look plausible. Anyhoo - the pic from Jezebel is a sidebar to the L&S story - it's about X copying Angie's style. Can't imagine where they could have gotten this idea. Gosh, it's not like WE'VE discussed it a gazillion times or anything like that...


(Click on the picture to enlarge - it will open it in a new window)





Get out your barf buckets, ladies. This story is like Faniston's wet dream and I'm almost positive OuttaTouch got the idea to do this story from that nauseating JenHen fanfic that someone posted on JJ's. Whoever you are...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

This entire story is a big ass trip down Remember When Lane. It reminds me that I had a friend was a big baseball player back in high school. He could throw that speedball by you, make you look like a fool. Saw him the other night at this roadside bar. I was walking in, he was walking out. We went back inside sat down had a few drinks and he kept wanting to talk about shit he'll never get back. That's the JenHens' life for the last 4 years and 4 months - a 24/7/365 stroll down Remember when Lane.


BRAD & JEN'S TEARFUL REUNION

It's the moment everyone has been waiting for - Brad Pitt finally meets up with Jennifer Aniston

As tension escalates between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, sources close to the couple are predicting that a permanent split may be near. "They're just trying to take each day as it comes," says one longtime friend. (Sidebar: Sounds like OuttaTouch's writer has been through a few 12 step programs, don't it?) And another reveals that, in the house they're renting on Long Island while Angelina works on her new film Salt, "the tone is cold. They're barely speaking." (Sidebar: I've said it before and I'll say it again - just because a couple isn't speaking doesn't mean they're not making the beast with two backs every chance they get...)

Yet as he copes with tension at home Brad has been getting support from an unlikely ally - his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. (Sidebar: Puh-leeze. That bitch needs her Godless Circle just to blow her nose. How in the hell can she lend "support" to anyone else? She had no interest in doing that during that marriage and considering the woman hates change and has repeated her neurotic clingy act with every man she's hooked up with since Brad dumped her...I sincerely doubt she's learned her lesson.) Friends say that in recent weeks, Brad and Jen, 40, have been talking frequently on the phone and texting each other, their conversations becoming longer and more personal as he confides in her about his current situation. (Sidebar: Ruh-roh! X is gonna be pissed that OuttaTouch keeps reminding people she's FUCKING OLD!)(Sidebar: ROTFLMAO. Yeah, right. Brad's gonna spill all his troubles to the woman he told he needed figure out what he wanted in his life and didn't want to be married to HER while he did it. But now he's figured out that thing he wants is to tell her all about the problems in his new relationship? As freaking if.) "It's a crazy position for Jen to be in - that of a shoulder to cry on," one of her pals admits. (Sidebar: Ooh, nice touch, OuttaTouch. Remember when that UK or Aussie tabloid wrote that fake quote from Angie saying all she'd ever been during the M&MS shoot was a shoulder for Brad to cry on?) "But she's excellent in a crisis, (Sidebar: Oh really? That's why she TWICE freaked out when Norman went missing and made Brad fly all the way to her film locations to help her find him. And let's not forget that this is the woman who cries when she finds a gray her that her colorist missed and is a self-described neurotic. Neurotics are NOT exactly known for being clear-headed and sharp in a crisis.) she's happy to have Brad back in her life. She's missed him as much as he's missed her." (Sidebar: Brad missed her so badly he couldn't be bothered to speak to her in person at the Oscars and during their divorce frequently relayed messages to her to back the fuck off Plan B through his attorneys. That's just all kinds of warm-and-fuzzy, ain't it?)

AN EMOTIONAL NIGHT

In fact, In touch can exclusively reveal (Sidebar: Exclusive = "We made this shit up.") that on April 23, after Brad visited Angelina, 31, on the NYC set of Salt, he drove across town to where Jen's film, The Baster is in production - and the pair quietly met face-to-face. (Sidebar: Dear OuttaTouch editor, If you're going to lie try to do it about a day when there's not photographic evidence that disproves your story. There was a ratzi who snapped pix of Brad entering the Salt set alone. There are pix of Brad exiting the Salt set ONLY ONCE and Angelina was with him. The ratzi, once they have located their target and know they can get some money snaps, DO NOT LEAVE. They will pee on themselves rather than give up a potentially huge shot of "Brangelina". Therefore Brad only left Angie's set once and it was with her. Somehow I doubt he took Angie over to meet Jen when they couldn't be bothered to speak to her when she was 20 feet away 2 months earlier.) "He pulled up in a black SUV," reveals a mutual friend of the former couple, although JEN'S REP DENIES THE STORY. "He arrived on the opposite end of the set from where Jen's trailer was, and Jen snuck into his car. They drove around New York City together talking." (Sidebar: Bear in mind that the ratzi have been camped out on X's set day and night - as Jared's pictorial barferia proves - and they've gotten money shots of X EVERY DAY...BUT...they missed this one day because X is so damned stealthy? What's the CIA waiting for - send X to find Bin Laden.) According to the friend, the conversation was warm and deeply personal, with the exes, who were married for nearly five years, catching up on their lives over cups of Starbucks coffee. (Sidebar: Where'd they get the coffee? Surely Brad didn't leave Angie's set, stop at Starbucks for a couple of non-fat lattes, then get BACK in his SUV...that, BTW, was chauffeured...then go to X's set...all without the ratzi seeing him? Or did X, stealthy bitch that she is, manage to snag TWO cups of coffee on her set, juggled them, her smokes and lighter [she took those along because - a) she can't go more than 10 minutes with one; and b) she knows Brad gave up smoking for his family...girl's gotta use her best assets to get what she wants, don't she?] She didn't bother with the Pokies though. She knows Brad's already hip to the secret of permanently erect nips. All this while zigzagging her way across the movie set, without the ratzi snapping her, but WITH the knowledge of the aforementioned insider, and into Brad's chauffeured SUV? No wonder she wants to be a Bond Ho. Girlfriend's got mad crazy untapped skillz!)

"Brad confessed his feelings to Jen," the friend says. (Sidebar: Oddly enough, PT has an exclusive of her own - I know EXACTLY what Brad confessed. He said...and I quote, "I want you and I'm hatin' it. Got me lit like a candlestick. Get too hot when you touch the tip. I'm feelin' it, I gotta getta grip. And it's drivin me crazy. Baby don't you quit. Can't get enough of it. You got me goin' again. Baby, you got me goin' again.") "He told her that he's trying to make his relationship with Angelina work, but it is failing." (Sidebar: Yet another thing that the UK/Aussie tab claimed Angie said - that Brad told her he was trying to save his marriage, but it was pretty much burnt toast and half as much fun.) After about an hour, Brad dropped Jen off at The Greenwich Hotel and drove away. (Sidebar: Soooooo...at what point did X tell her director she was leaving for the day to go trip down memory lane with the man who supposedly ripped her tar-blackened, shriveled up heart out of her leathery chest and danced a flamenco on it? X is in no position to piss off producers (and the director) by disappearing during the middle of a shoot. The budget for the entire movie is prolly only about $25MIL and I doubt they'd appreciate X wasting production money on what's sure to be money-loser anyway.)

The meeting had been something they'd been organizing for weeks. "They planned it meticulously so no one would find out." the friend says. (Sidebar: And yet those Wonder Sleuths at OuttaTouch did just that. Amazing, right? No wonder X didn't get the Bond Ho role...guess her skillz aren't "mad crazy" enough.) "He's trying his best not to anger Angelina because she's so unpredictable right now." (Sidebar: Undoubtedly that's because of the Star pregnancy, which OuttaTouch apparently hasn't heard Angie's using as a means to keep Brad...)

Though Jen has said that she and Brad, 45, have kept in regular contact since their 2005 split, (Sidebar: No, that's not what X said. X said that "We don't not talk." and that there was an exchange when some major life event occurs. In other words, she's been drunk dialing Brad's mother for over 4 years to get Jane to congratulate Brad on the latest kiddie addition to his family...and Jane, in turn, lied to X about how Brad laughed riotously each time Jane told him who X was currently dating and/or got dumped by. That is how you "Don't not talk.") their phone chats reached a new level a few days before Easter. "He called her late at night. He told her he misses her," Jen's pal explains. "He said he hopes they can be close again one day." (Sidebar: As you know, OuttaTouch claimed the last 2 weeks that Brad was in France and didn't spend Easter with his family, so I'm shocked, shocked I tell ya, that they didn't claim Brad was free to speak his mind because he was in France and Angie a few thousand miles away in NY. I guess Mr. Spencer, et. al., skipped the second hour of the "How To Write A Convincing Tabloid Story: Maintaining Continuity" seminar.)

After Jen replied that she "welcomed" the idea of being friends again, Brad was grateful. "He called back the next day, the pal says, adding, "This time he was emotional." Before long, Brad was calling frequently, confiding in Jen about his relationship problems. "He told her how tough it was for him with Angelina right now." the pal explains. "He told her he's worried about losing the kids." Heartbroken, but still so attached to his six children, (Sidebar: They make the kids sound like his favorite pair of $2,000 handmade Gucci loafers.) Brad fears a future without the family he's worked so hard to build. (Sidebar: The family BRAD worked so hard to build? According to what Brad told Okra last year it's ANGIE who did the heavy lifting...y'all know how I like to trot out the Brad & Angie quotes... Brad talking about the W mag pix - "When Angie is usually shot she’s seen as a femme fatale, she does that very well, but also she has the biggest heart and inexhaustible spirit and sweetness and goodness, and she’s the real glue of the family, and that’s what I wanted to portray in that.)

And Jen feels for him. Though there's no love lost between her and Angelina, (Sidebar: Pffft. I highly doubt X's name ever enters Angie's head unless they're being told by their peeps that X is flapping her gums over the divorce or butts her way into an awards show she has reason to be at.) the pal says that Jen knows how much Brad adores - (mentally list those kids names and ages...again...). And she understands he's particularly afraid of losing his non-biological children, Maddox, Pax, and Zahara, whom he never officially adopted. (Sidebar: I'll let Angie handle this one herself,

http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/angelina-jolie-on-being-a-mother-of-4/article38631.html

RD: So have you and Brad thought about getting married?
Jolie: There's no big conspiracy behind our decision not to. We've both been married before. Our focus when we got together was family, and we are legally bound to our children. That really seems to be the most important thing.)

"She wants to be a good friend to him now," the pal says of Jen, who admitted in Vanity Fair that she will love Brad for the rest of her life. "Brad's a mess right now, and that's hurting her." (Sidebar: This is the same woman who said her dog was better than any man she'd ever had in her life and declared that Brad was NOT the love of her life. But...NOW she wants to be a "good friend" to him? Talk about locking the barn door after the horse has already bolted...)

To their close friends, Jen's reaction isn't surprising. She still cares deeply for Brad and, in a way, views him as family. Over the years, she's kept in touch with Brad's parents - particularly his mother, Jane, who has encouraged her son to talk to his ex. And Brad was one of the first people to call Jen's father, John, a few years back when he was hospitalized with heart problems. (Sidebar: "Heart problems"? I guess you could call a HEART ATTACK a "problem". Plus, Brad called John directly NOT X, so how is this relevant?) "Brad always has a great deal of time for Jen's dad," says another pal. (Sidebar: Like I've said in the past, John Aniston is a very likeable bloke...his lack of influence in X's formative years is muy obvioso. Plus, unlike his daughter, John didn't expect Brad to prop up his career and get him work.)

A SPECIAL GIFT

After so much time has gone by, Brad and jean seem to have grown to value their friendship more. And he's proving it by wearing a necklace she gave him for his 45th birthday on December 18. "It's an antique pendant," a confidante shares, adding that she left it for him at the offices of his production company, Plan B. "She found it, and knew Brad would love it." (Sidebar: Not bloody likely! X wouldn't dare show her face (or send a flunky or a package) at Plan B's offices. Not after she tried to hijack the company after the dumping, cast herself in all the projects and had her Godless Circle buddy Kristin Hahn spy on Brad for her. Methinks DeDe Gardner would call in SWAT to take away any packages sent to their office by X. And we all know she had a flunky deliver it because she'd never have the balls to go there and risk running into Angie...who DeDe Gardner actually LIKES rather than merely tolerating.)

Oddly, it isn't the first gift she's given him. (Sidebar: Just when you think OuttaTouch can't make X look any more desperate, pathetic and clinging to the past...) The confidante reveals that in the years since their divorce, Jen has never forgotten Brad's birthday - sending presents to Plan B or through mutual friends, rather than his home, so as not to "stir up trouble" with Angelina. "Jen's never had anything but good feelings for Brad. She can't help it." (Sidebar: Good God. Even I don't think X is THIS pathetic! A woman who'd send presents to a man who dumped you, sorry, told you he wanted to figure out what he wanted in life and didn't want to be married, to you specifically, while he did that, and then erased your presence from a company you were once a MINOR part of, humiliated you in front of the world by making a beeline for a younger, hotter, smarter, less needy, not clingy, non-neurotic, more successful woman...AND become father to her son, then within 4 months of your divorce being filed adopt a child with her, then get her preggers within weeks of your divorce becoming final and ultimately end up with a whole passel of gorgeous children with her - shit...you'd would have to be the most pathetic creature to ever walk the earth! Even I think X stopped drunk-dialing Brad after the first year...or so...and she definitely stopped doing it after she was told Angie was preggers...the second time that is...)


While her previous gifts were a bit less personal - a sweater, a book on architecture - the necklace is particularly special. Though Brad wore it briefly after first receiving it (Sidebar: No, they DO NOT provide a picture proving this statement.) he's put it on a lot more lately, one of his associates says. "Brad doesn't take that necklace off for days at a time. It's almost like he's trying to keep up a connect to Jen as his relationship with Angelina weakens." (Sidebar: Brad has NEVER clung to women once he's left them. Never. He didn't do it with Putrid, even though she begged his forgiveness. He didn't do it with Juliette Lewis. But...OuttaTouch wants you to believe X is just so darned special that he can't resist going back for seconds. The woman who's been through 90 men since Brad dumped her 4+ years ago. She's getting dumped for a reason and something tells me that 2 minutes in her presence would make Brad remember WHY in a heartbeat.)

That may be the case. While Brad and Jen's friends insist their relationship is purely platonic, the associate says, "Jen and Brad both seem to agree that they gave up on their marriage without enough of a fight. They've had many 'what if' conversations." (Sidebar: Let's see...they'd been having problems since shortly after they married in July 2001...spent most of 2003 apart on what many have said was a trial separation...then spend roughly 3/4 of 2004 apart when they both knew they were bailing water from the bow of the Titanic... I'm thinking Brad has no regrets about dumping her when he did and is probably sorry he didn’t do it in 2003 so he'd been free to pursue Angie when they met in January 2004 and have a severe case of blue ballsitis for over 16 months before he could tap that Jolie ass. Just my guess though. I mean what do I know...just because the man hasn't left Angie's side for more than 8 days in-a-row when in his previous relationship he frequently spent less than 8 days at a time WITH X and months and months and months WITHOUT seeing X...means nothing...I'm sure...)

Dr. Gilda Carle (Sidebar: This shrink has no other clients and based on the comments she gives OuttaTouch...I know why.) says that Brad seems to be trying to reignite a romance with his ex-wife. "It is so common," explains Dr. Gilda, the author of the new e- book ________________ (Sidebar: I'm still not giving Dr. Sold Soul To OuttaTouch free advertising), who does not work with any of the stars. "That's the person you know and trust. Especially if that person is single and available when you come to her." (Sidebar: That's X's problem - she's available. As in "easy." If she didn't put out on a first date, then maybe she'd actually find a guy she didn't have to cling to like a leech to a fresh blood supply to keep him interested in her. Bitch has never heard the old adage, "Why buy the cow when you've tasted the milk and it was sour." Come to think of it - except for paid boyfriends...men don't come back to X for seconds, do they?)

But while she says "anything can happen," between two people who were once in love, Dr. Gilda cautions Jen to be careful - and remember that Brad leads a complicated life. (Sidebar: Complicated = He doesn't have time to tan and exercise 24/7 anymore.) "She needs to understand that he's not the same man he was when they were together. (Sidebar: Yeah, he actually does shit without the Coquettes now and hasn't been to Meh-hee-co in over 5 years. The horror!) She can never go home again, because it's not the same home. He's got a brood of six kids! Things have changed." (Sidebar: Well, listen to Dr. Thomas Wolfe Rip-off. Let's file this quote under, "No shit, Sherlock!")


PHOTOS - The main photo for this fuckery is a Photoshopped pic of X and Brad side-by-side with a photo of Angie in an inset. The caption reads: "ANGELINA IS DRIVING HIM AWAY - She's upset with Brad, but doesn't want to talk about their problems, says an insider. "She's throwing herself into her movie." (Sidebar: I'm gonna let Brad refute this stupidity himself - http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25016449-5001026,00.html What makes your relationship work? ======== Angie is very open and direct and we enjoy being able to be free with our thoughts and feelings with each other. We enjoy having that rapport and way of living.)


Sit tight...this story had a gazillion sidebars. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I figure OuttaTouch got ripped off...none of these pix do anything to prove anything they wrote in this story is true...

SIDEBAR: THEY HAVE BEEN SLOWLY GETTING CLOSER

1. SHE DROPPED OFF GIFTS - pic of Brad doing in NO doing an interview for MIR last fall...he's wearing a newsboy cap and a sweater...

Before their divorce, Jennifer was a partner in Brad's Plan B production company, which produced 2008's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Although Jen bowed out after their split, over the past few years she's left gifts and messages for Brad at Plan B's offices. (Sidebar of my own: "Bowed out" = Brad forced X out of the company by buying Brad Grey's shares when Grey left to take the CEO job at Paramount, selling a small share to DeDe Gardner and completely severing any remaining ties between him and X so the bitch would never again have an excuse to contact him This includes eventually firing her Godless Circle friend (for spying on him and reporting back to X), who was preggers at the time, but too damned bad. She should have thought of that before she ratted him out and broke her confidentiality agreement. Therefore, X had no remaining ties at Plan B and wouldn't dare send shit to Brad there because there was nobody who'd stick their neck out for her and deliver those gifts for risk of being fired. I call Bullshit on OuttaTouch.)

2. THE OSCARS WERE A TURNING POINT - 2 pics, Brad & Angie on the RC, then X on stage, sucking in her double-Spanxed gut, at the Oscars

Seeing each other for the first time in years in February brought back a lot of fuzzy feelings for both Brad and Jen. "Jen shot Brad a smile because she still genuinely has warm feelings for him," a friend said. "She wanted him to know she wasn't there to start a fight." (Sidebar of my own: Yep...the feelings were so darn genuinely warm and fuzzy that X didn't have the guts to go up to Brad and speak to him. And on Brad's part he was so impressed by X's smile and not wanting to start a fight with Angie that he did her a favor and didn't speak to her or acknowledge her in any way, shape or form that was noticeable by anyone but Fanistons and tabloid employees.)

3. HIS MOM LOVES JEN BEST - pic of Brad & Jane at LA CCOBB premiere

Jane Pitt always encouraged Brad to keep things friendly with Jennifer. "Jen decided it was time to bury the hatchet, so she sent Brad a message through his mom, and that opened up their communication," a friend explains. (Sidebar of my own: X had to send a message through Jane because Brad changed all his phone numbers after X drunk-dialed him for 3+ years!)


SIDEBAR: HE'S WEARING HER PRESENT - pic of Bread wearing a pendant necklace with an arrow pointing to an inset pic of X wearing a similar pendant necklace

Jen gave Brad a gold necklace for his birthday in December, but in recent weeks he's been wearing it almost constantly - something that Dr. Gilda Carle says is very telling: "He's letting Jen know that he's available to her and emotionally involved with her on some level," says Dr. Gilda, who does not work with either star. Jen has also been wearing a similar pendant. (Sidebar of my own: Notice how here they say it's a "similar" pendant, but on the cover they draw an arrow between the two pendants with led people to believe they were both wearing the SAME pendant? BTW, I looked through old pix and as far as I can tell Brad's been wearing that chain and pendant pretty regularly for a while - going back at least to January's Newsweek roundtable (there are pix of the Newsweek roundtable photoshoot at SimplyBrad.com. I've pasted one below...



(Click on the photo to enlarge it - it will open in a new window)

Yet OuttaTouch is claiming he just now started wearing it "regularly" because of X. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to determine exactly when he started wearing the pendant because it was winter and in a lot of pix he's got on a coat, sweater, scarf or something that's covering any jewelry he may have been wearing. As far as anyone knows, and that includes OuttaTouch, Brad could have been wearing this pendant BEFORE his b-day but the J-Ps were either out of the country or in winter clothes and Brad is certainly NOT obligated to tell OuttaTouch where, when and why he got the jewelry he's wearing.)


SIDEBAR: JEWELRY MEANS SO MUCH TO HIM (Y'all need to thank the good lord you didn't have to look at the nauseating X/Brad photo nostalgia that accompanied this sidebar)

1. HE DESIGNED THEIR WEDDING RINGS: pic Brad and the slag's "official" wedding pic

For their July 2000 wedding, Brad designed matching white-gold bands decorated with small diamonds. (Sidebar of my own: So what? He's designed and given jewelry to almost every woman he's had a seriously relationship with. But...Did he ever give X any of his babies? Uh, not.)

2. BRAD KEPT JEN'S NAME CLOSE: pic of Brad and X at some even with an inset close-up of the necklace Brad's wearing with X's name on it

At the Emmy Awards in September 2000, Brad wore a pendant necklace that spelled out Jen's name. (Sidebar of my own: So he wore some lousy pendant with X's name on it. In an interview about a year after they first got together X talked about how she and Brad had talked about getting matching tats. Yet he never tattooed her birthdate, post-coital scribblings, name or even her damned Social Security Number upon his mighty fine personage.)

3. HE WORE ANGELINA'S RING: pic of Brad with a close-up of his hand and THAT ring

In 2005, Brad started wearing a new ring - "the anti-ring ring," he called it, telling GQ that it came from "a friend." (Sidebar of my own: The GQ interview was done in early March 2005. roughly 7 weeks after he dumped the albatross. Their wedding rings and his "Jen" necklace was the last thing on his mind. He was too busy chasing Angelina...even though HE LIED to GQ and said he couldn't think beyond "my Jen" at that time. I'm surprised Brad didn't turn into a little wooden Italian puppet boy when he told that whopper!)

4. A GIFT FROM SHILOH: Same pic of Brad in France that's on the cover with an inset close-up of the pink rope necklace he's been wearing. (Hope that sucker survived the heat and humidity of the Brazilian jungles or else he crushed poor Shiloh's heart.)

He has lately been wearing a crocheted necklace that was made by his daughter Shiloh, says a source close to Brad. (Sidebar of my own: More than likely one of the children made the necklace, but it looks a little advanced for 3 year-old-to-be. I'm sure OuttaTouch gave Shiloh credit because the MVM only want to hear about the bio babies. Personally I think Z made it. First of all it's pink. Secondly, she's marking her territory, "This is MY DADDY. All you bitches lusting after him better step off!")


SIDEBAR: THEY LOOK LIKE THE OLD BRAD & JEN AGAIN

Photo - Once again, be glad you didn't have to lay eyes on the X/Brad pic. It was from VERY early in their relationship - fall of 1998 at the Tibet concert in DC. (He's standing behind her with his arms on either side of her on top of the rail and she's leaning back against him with her hand on his neck. I gagged looking at the pic so I'm making y'all suffer, too...)

Caption: PERFECT PAIR - Brad and Jennifer first came out as a couple at a 1998 Tibetan Freedom Concert in Washington, DC (Sidebar of my own: The rumor at the time was she demanded he make it official that they were "a couple" because before that he'd refused to say it outright. He'd say stuff like "we're dating" and "It's early yet." Bear in mind this is only about 4 months after she slept with him on their first date...and didn’t' exactly tell Tate Donovan that she and he were permanently "off".)

NOW - pic of a clean-shaven Brad from the SoftBank commercial shoot 3 weeks ago when he was wearing the brown suit...

Since leaving Jennifer in 2005, Brad has gone through several scruffy incarnations and taken to wearing beat-up old clothes and hats. But lately, the actor has cleaned up his appearance. Brad almost looks exactly like he did 10 years ago when they were considered Hollywood's most beautiful golden couple. (Sidebar of my own: ROTFL. I suggest someone at OuttaTouch go back and look at pix of Brad during the "golden couple" years with slightly less inebriated eye. Brad had quite a few "scruffy" periods with X - and she hated it. She always wanted him looking "golden" so people would think SHE was just as golden. Then go back and look at pix from the Putrid and Juliette years. Brad and "scruffy" are very good friends. Angelina loves him for who he is, not how golden he looks next to her in pix.)

NOW - pic of X...looking pretty much the same as she looks every time there's pix of her. Homegirl's only got about 2 expressions and even fewer hairstyles.

Toward the end of her time on Friends, Jennifer chopped her hair into a shoulder-length blunt cut - and came to regret it. "So I decided to have extensions, and nothing destroys your hair faster than that," reveals Jen, who struggled to grow it back. But now her hair looks just as lovely as it did when she was married to Brad. (Sidebar of my own: OMFG...this shit is toooooo fucking funny! X must have thrown a fit because OuttaTouch didn't mention her body and how young she looks! ROTFLMAO! Poor X...it's always about her hair, ain't it? According to OuttaTouch...Brad looks almost as good/young as he looked 10 years ago...but X's HAIR is what looks as fab now as it did 10 years ago! Hehehehehehe. She probably had Huvane fire off a denial of this story based on this sidebar alone! I can just imagine how that convo went, "Stephen, they didn't even mention how good I look in a bikini! Or how fantastic I looked almost butt-nekkid on the GQ cover! All they talked about was my beautiful, precious, luscious golden mane! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!)


SIDEBAR: BRAD'S EXES ARE WORKING TOGETHER

- pic of X carrying a Dumbwater bottle on the turkey giblets movie set. She's wearing that outfit that BDJ traced all the way back to the early aughts...I'm STILL laughing because she STILL wears the same two pieces of clothing together. Whoever said X doesn't like change was being polite. Just another example of how neurotic her ass is...

Caption: SHE'S A PRO - Jennifer stars opposite Jason Bateman in the romantic comedy.

- pic of Juliette Lewis on the street somewhere...knowing her it was Skid Row...

Caption: HE LIVED WITH JULIETTE - Juliette and Brad broke up shortly before Kalifornia was released.

Brad's former fiancée Juliette Lewis, (Sidebar of my own: They were never engaged.) whom he was involved with for three years in the early '90s, arrived in New York at the beginning of May to shoot scenes for The Baster, which stars Jennifer. The 35-year-old actress, who co-starred with Brad in Kalifornia and once referred to him as "a Greek god," must have plenty to discuss with his ex-wife! (Sidebar: Actually, OuttaTouch, if you had read the measly paragraph US Lies Weakly did on this exact same subject 3 weeks ago you'd know that "onset sources" have said the two of them get along fine and don't discuss Brad at all. Mainly because Juliette moved on a decade and a half ago and she's not exactly known as a "listener" or they type of girl another woman confides in about a former lover they have in common, nor would she have the patience to host a pity party for X. BTW - Angie's past is tame in comparison to Juliette Lewis'...but nobody's doing a book on her ass!)


SIDEBAR: THEY'RE ALL FILMING IN NYC - pic of a map of NYC with 3 inset pix explaining where Brad, Angie and X have been filming

- Brad shot a commercial for Softbank, a Japanese cell phone company, in midtown Manhattan on April 30.

- Jennifer's new comedy, The Baster, has been filming in SoHo, the West Village and Tribeca

- Angelina has been working on her upcoming thriller Salt at locations in Brooklyn, Manhattan, Oyster Bay, Long Island and upstate New York

(Sidebar of my own: I know nothing about the layout of NYC...but...I'm thinking...I just can't see Brad making an effort to see X in NYC when for the last 4 years and 4 months he's been in the same LA and Malibu area with her and hasn't made the effort...and let's not even get into that 20 feet they were away from each other at the Oscars. If Brad had any old feelings stirred up when he saw X on stage that night it was, "Jesus H. Christ on the cross! A braid? At fucking 40? I was even more fucking wasted those 6 1/2 years than I thought! Why in the fuck didn't anybody do an intervention!)


SIDEBAR: BRAD IS RECONNECTING WITH JEN'S FRIENDS

- pic of Brad with X and CC from a decade ago...

Caption: THEY WERE VERY CLOSE - Brad, here in 2000, often vacationed with Jen and her friend Courteney. (Sidebar of my own: He didn't have a choice. X wouldn't wipe her ass without checking with Courteney first. And let's not forget that convenient fear of flying she developed 3 months AFTER the wedding and blamed it on the 9/11 tragedy.)

- pic of David & Courteney

Caption: THEY DON'T HOLD A GRUDGE - David and Courteney, at the May 3 concert, eventually forgave Brad for leaving Jen (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, cuz after he was gone X spent all her time with them, almost ruined their marriage and then they couldn't get rid of her ass when they wanted to be alone. That's when they realized exactly how needy, clingy, neurotic and pathetic X really is and why Brad flew the coop.)

Fans of Chris Cornell's performance at LA's Wiltern theater did a double take when they spotted Brad in the audience of the May 3 show. "We were sitting with a regular crowd and he looked like he was having a blast," says a witness. At the show, Brad met up with his ex-wife's best friend, Courteney Cox, and her husband, David Arquette. "Brad's had a period where he hasn't had any friends because Angelina doesn't," says an insider. "But Courteney and David always say "hi" to him if they see him at an event. They have been telling people it's the happiest he's looked in a long time." (Sidebar: Let's see...the Coquettes have seen Brad TWICE in 4+ years...so how would they know how happy Brad normally looks? As for Angie not having any friends? They have talked about doing stuff with their friends in interviews. Just because Angie's friends don't go to trendy places for photo ops or Meh-hee-co to put on a bi-annual Ass & Cooch Extravaganza...doesn't mean she doesn't have any. If anything, because X wanted to stay home and do blow and toke all the time, Brad actually gets out more today than he did when he was married to the X. I think Brad would take dinner with the Eastwoods over another trip to Los Cabos with the Coquettes any day.)


Sad to say...I'm not done yet. Did I mention this story was 6 fucking pages long? Six. S-I-X. 6. That's how badly they want the Fanistons to think this shit is true. Alas...there's one more sidebar. I saved this one for last because...well...you'll see...


SIDEBAR: WATCH OUT, ANGELINA, JEN'S CAUGHT UP TO YOU!

If you count all her movie and television roles, Jennifer's given birth to more than six children! (Sidebar of my own: I told ya you'd see why I saved it. The Queen of Pathetic Schlubs just got even more pathetic, courtesy of OuttaTouch.)

1. HER EARLY MOM ROLE - pic is a still from Object of My Affection

Jen played a pregnant woman in love with her gay pal in 1998's Object of My Affection (Sidebar of my own: Funnily enough, if you read old X interviews...she's been saying since her early in her Tate Donovan days that she wants to start a family soon. I'm talking 1996 interviews...13 long ass years this bitch has been saying, "I did, I do and I will!" and still no human being has squawked its way out of her uterus.)

2. SHE HAD A BABY ON FRIENDS - pic of a preggers Rachel talking to some female character...I have no idea who it is...it's not Kudrow or Cox.

She gave birth to Ross' daughter Emma in the 2002 season of her hit Friends (Sidebar of my own: Ah yes...the pregnancy the writers deliberately wrote into the show because X had been telling interviewers since she and Brad got engaged that they were planning to start a family soon...and then after the season ended and she was never preggers she told interviewers that she had "a window of opportunity" but she and Brad were both busy with "other things". Other things being - her career. Brad? He was off work for 2 years renovating a house and building a nursery for that "any day now" baby that X couldn't fit into her "window of opportunity".)

3. SHE HAD THREE CHILDREN WITH OWEN WILSON - relax, they're talking about TDF. Pic from TDF of X and OW rolling in the grass with their 3 movie kids

In the 2008 hit Marley & Me Jen and Owen Wilson have three children. (Sidebar of my own: Damn...OuttaTouch is really desperate to make x look like she wants a kid. This has got to be the dumbest sidebar since Guttenberg invented the printing press.)

4. SHE'S GOT A LITTLE BOY - pic of X holding a little boy who looks 4 or 5

In her latest film, The Baser, she becomes pregnant through artificial insemination. (Sidebar of my own: Which is more pathetic - X doing a movie about a woman who resorts to a turkey baster pregnancy...or OuttaTouch counting her pretend children in an effort to put her on even ground with Angie? Discuss amongst yourselves...)

And that concludes OuttaTouch's JenHen Wet Dream magnus opus. I was going to count Angie's "movie kids" in rebuttal... but then the sheer stupidity of counting fake kids when she's got 6 real kids had me LMAO, so I never got around to it.

FOR MAGAZINES DATED MAY 18, 2009

This week I'll be splitting the report up and posting part of it today and part of it tomorrow or Friday. I was going to post it all today, but there's no way I'm going to have time to finish it.

For now, here's the Star part of the report. I started with them because they're story is easily the biggest piece of libelous bullshit I've seen in a tabloid in quite a while. I sincerely hope Angie sics her lawyers on them.

Briseis - There are no song lyrics in this part of the report. I was just too disgusted by the article to even bother.





EXPLOSIVE NEW TELL-ALLS! PREGNANT ANGIE'S SECRETS & LIES

Famed Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has set his sites on Angelina Jolie - and he's got lots to spill! So does her former bodyguard!

By Jennifer Pearson, Heidi Parker, Suzanne Rozdeba & John Bell (Wouldn't want to short any of the Star brain trust on their by-line...)


Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston - and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend! These are just some of the explosive revelations that renowned investigative reporter Andrew Morton COULD serve up in a shocking new tell-all. (Sidebar: The operative word here is "COULD". Morton could also say that none of these rumors are true and were started by malicious gossips who were envious and jealous of Angie or who were simply greedy bastards who didn't care how they made a living.)

And just in case Morton misses any juicy scandals, Angie's ex-bodyguard Mickey Brett is also penning a book of his own! (Sidebar: Yes, Star did have the chutzpah to tell an outright lie. The Mickey book has been stopped in its tracks WEEKS AGO and multiple media outlets have reported as much WEEKS AGO. This is just another instance where a tab CAN print the truth, but deliberately lies instead to sell more mags.)

Morton - who was handpicked by Princess Diana to write Diana: Her True Story - In Her Own Words (Sidebar: This should read, "...who was handpicked by Princess Diana to write Diana: Her True Story - In Her Own Words because Diana was hell-bent on making sure the British public knew exactly how big a heartless, cold asshole Prince Charles really is...") - is already researching every aspect of the 33 year-old actress' life, (Sidebar: Except for the stuff included in our story that we either made up or "borrowed" from other tabloids) including her stint in an L.A. mental institution in 2000. Just hours after her release, (Sidebar: Yeah, about 72 hours - in other words THREE DAYS.) she married Billy Boob (typo but I'm keeping it) Thornton.

"That period in Angelina's life is still a mystery, even to people who are close to her," Morton tells Star. "Was she committed, or was she a voluntary patient? I want to get at the truth and discover why she was there at all." (Sidebar: Where's the mystery? Angie said years ago that she committed herself because she thought something was wrong with how crazy in love she was with BBT...and ya gotta admit, she had a point. And she was only there for a whopping 3 days. We're not talking about weeks, let alone months or years. Exactly how much dirt does he expect to uncover without having employees violate HIPAA regulations and risk losing their jobs?)

"KNIVES AND DRUGS"

In fact, insiders tell Star that Angie's relationship with Billy Bob is rife with shocking details that Morton may expose "She was so obsessed with him that she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her," says a source. (Sidebar: Now THIS is the kind of shit Angie ought to sue these tabs over.) "Angelina was very dramatic, and because she carried knives and did drugs, he thought it was possible she could harm herself. He was so worried that he agreed to tie the knot." (Sidebar: First of all - BBT is far crazier than Angie could ever be. The man, and I LOVE to harp on this, has a phobia about Benjamin Disraeli's hairpiece. This hairpiece is in a British museum under lock and key and nowhere near BBT...yet the man is afraid of it. He's fears orange food and claimed last year that he'll only eat raw foods these days and didn't even say why. Plus, BBT was doing way more drugs than Angie was at this point in her life. In fact, rumor has it, HIS coke habit was the main reason she fell off the wagon during the early stages of their relationship and marriage. Secondly, yes, the Star just let BBT off the hook after claiming for years that he dumped Laura Dern specifically to go chasing after Angie - of his own free will. Now they're claiming that Angie coerced BBT, 20 years her senior and 4-times divorce with just as many failed "engagements", into marrying her by threatening to kill herself. Sue, Angie, sue! BBT switched wives more frequently than most people switch shoes.)

What about Angie and Billy Bob wearing vials of each other's blood around their necks? (Sidebar: What about it? It was a dab of blood in a locket, not a vial. At this point, after 8 years of explaining in various interviews that it was a keepsake locket and not a vial, tabs should have to pay Angie a dime every time they refer to the locket as a vial. She could fund UNICEF for about 10 years on the fifth estate's dime.) Apparently, that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Angie's taste for blood! In her teens, the actress was captivated by vampires, a family insider reveals, "She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She even wanted to become a mortician." (Sidebar: How shocking is that shit really? Angie's told these stories a gazillion times. And it was "boyfriend" - singular, not plural. All the research Morton needs to do is to read Angie's interviews and watch her "Inside the Actor's Studio".)

Morton few from London to L.A. on May 3 with a team of researchers. "I want to separate the truth from all the fiction and all the hype that follows Angelina everywhere," he tells Star. (Sidebar: Pfffft. Like he's the arbiter of what's true. This is a guy who spent 2 years researching Tiny Tom and couldn't find anything hinky about the Scientolocrazies. How is that possible?) "I'd love to sit down with her, and I've made an approach asking her to cooperate on the book." (Sidebar: An overture which I'm sure was met with a big, resounding, "You're writing a book about me? Whatevs, dude. Spell my name right.")

In her younger days, Angie was barely recognizable as the glamorous icon she's become. (Sidebar: GMAFB. Who looks now like they did in their "younger days"? Not even X, Ms. "I tried Botox once" can make that claim. Sorry, Leatherface fans.) In school, "people called her Spider Lady and Freak because she was so thin and pale, and she only wore, black," says another source. (Sidebar: Star may want to rethink the opening sentence of this paragraph...cuz...ANGIE'S STILL "THIN AND PALE," wears a lot of black and people make fun of her because of it. HELL-OOOOOOO!) "She was the outcast. She was far from popular." (Sidebar: Once again - how has this changed? Her popularity level has increased, but not because of rags like this! But rags like this DO try to keep her an "outcast" by forever bringing up shit she did 10, 15 and 20 years ago.)

But by the time she hit sweet 16, Angie was blossoming into a gorgeous woman - and she quickly learned how to use her beauty to snag a much older, married man! (Sidebar: 16-year-old girls cannot make grown ass men do something they wouldn't normally do. Men are whores and think with their dicks. That's just how it is, was and always will be.)

Morton may also reveal that Angelina "had a brief but steamy affair with a guy her mom knew," the family insider tells Star. (Sidebar: "May" = "We made this shit up.") "Angie knew that he was attached - and 20 years older - but she still seduced him! She was a total sex kitten." (Sidebar: Pardon me for pointing this out...AGAIN...but a grown ass man of 36 CANNOT be "seduced" by a 16 year-old girl, no matter how forward said girl is. HE is the adult. It's his responsibility to keep his dick in his pants because if he's caught he's going to become Butch's bitch for 3 1/2 to 7 years. Secondly, we've seen photos and a video of Angie at 16 talking about her sword collection while doing a portfolio for her modeling career. That DID NOT look like a 16 year-old "sex kitten" to me. But hey, I don't write tabloids for a living, so I'm not being paid to see a "sex kitten" on that video.)

Teen temptress Angie knew no limits and even went after her mother Marcheline's boyfriend! "March and her guy had a huge fight, and Angie saw her chance to seduce him. She felt guilty about it, she confessed to her mom. She promised she would never do something like that again," says the insider. (Sidebar: Now Star is definitely in libel territory. Angie and her mother were very close and I seriously doubt Angie would go after her mother's boyfriend. And yet again we have another GROWN ASS MAN getting a free pass from Star. If he was Marcheline's boyfriend, then this was a man well into his 40s or 50s. Why is HE not the one being blamed for seducing a 16 year-old, or younger, child? That is statutory rape, same as the previous scenario, and borderline pedophilia. Yet Star is blaming ANGIE. With fucktards like Star printing this kind of bullshit it's no wonder that young girls and women everywhere remain victims of sexual predators and are too scared to report the crimes. Why bother when people are calling YOU the instigator and saying you "asked for it". Then, years later, you find yourself a celebrity and fuckers like the losers at Star are calling you a "sex kitten" and claiming you seduced men who victimized you. Pardon my French, but this shit irritates the hell out of me. And BTW, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but Marcheline's friends called her "Marsha" NOT "March," because Marsha was her real name and she changed it for her acting career because she thought she needed a more exotic name. So if the person who spoke to Star was supposedly a friend of Marcheline's, why isn't she calling her by the right name? Could it be because Star doesn't know that "Marcheline" was a stage name or that family and friends called her by another name? Someone needs to share Andy Taylor's life lesson for young Opie with the Star staff - "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.")

LUST FOR WOMEN

As Angie grew older, her taste in sex partners expanded to include women. (Sidebar: It's called "bicurious" and "bisexual" and there's nothing wrong with it. Millions of people experience the feelings, yet only a fraction of them are brave enough to experiment.) Actress Jenny Shimizu was just one of them. (Sidebar: Name the others, please Star. On the record, with real names and include proof. Otherwise - you got nuttin' but Shitzu. That goes for you Andrew Morton and Mr. IUC as well.) To this day, says the source (Sidebar: It's Mr. IUC.), "Angie checks into hotels by herself, and Brad doesn't ask questions. But it's because she still likes to sleep with women." (Sidebar: Let's see - does Star offer up proof of this statement? No, of course not. They're basing this assumption on Angie checking into hotels by herself, but all that proves is that she was at a hotel. How do they know Brad didn't join her later? Or how about the fact that interviews are often conducted in hotel suites. Usually the suites are paid for by the magazine or the studio. Also, exactly when does the Star think Angie has time to cheat on Brad? She's got 6 kids who each get individual time every day, her humanitarian work, acting gigs, a boyfriend with working and willing dangly bits, ratzi on her trail, tabloids and trash-mongering "biographers" snooping around in her business, friends/pals/insiders/colleagues/family friend/confidantes who constantly tell all her biz to tabs... The woman doesn't even have time she shave her own muff let alone dive in someone else's!)

Meanwhile, Angie's former bodyguard, Brett, a burly 52-year-old Londoner, could also spill the beans about her hush liaison with a famous rock star (see box on next page)! (Sidebar: I threw that "See box on next page" in there just so y'all would know that accusation was important enough to get it's own sidebar...whet your appetite so to speak...)

But it's Angie's affairs with men that have caused her the most pain - and that she's most worried about having the details of exposed in a new book. (Sidebar: Uh...why? She was single when she slept with men she wasn't married to...so what's the big deal? She's stated her whole public life that she'd never sleep with a married man because of what JV did to her mother, so bring it on, Mr. Morton. Exes Shitzu, JLM and BBT have all said Angie is a woman of her word. Bill O'Reilly did some digging around about her charity donations and found Angie "walks the talk". Brad said Angie is a straight-shooter. Yet Star is now saying she's a fraud. Hmmm...do I believe the people who actually know her...or the rag that uses her to make money? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Also, if he libels Angie in a book and makes millions of bucks off her I hope Angie doesn't let him slide and she sues him and St. Martin's Press for a ton of money...and then gives all their money to charity.)

With his knack for digging, sources tell Star that Morton, 44, could reveal the truth about the babies Angie lost when she was younger. (Sidebar: Hopefully Angie already has Marty Singer filing the libel lawsuit paperwork...)

"I'm told she was pregnant two or three times," says the family insider. "She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." (Sidebar: Now which is it - Angie's a "conniving" "seducer" of older men...yet she was too stupid to guard against pregnancy? Bitch, please.) The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why the now pregnant mom of - (you know the drill, names and ages) - is determined to have a huge family. (Sidebar: Good grief. Now Star is accusing Angie of having multiple abortions. She ain't Sherry Shephard! If Angie had ever had an abortion - she'd have spoken of it publicly. This is a woman who's talked about her self-harming and bisexuality...yet Star is saying she wouldn't discuss an abortion? Double bitch, please.) And her great love for her rainbow brood is one of the main reasons Angie wants to keep her secrets in the closet. (Sidebar: Ummm...Angie has said, and her family as well, that she's spoken of adopting lots of kids and having a huge family since she was a young child. Ergo, that means at the time she was discussing her struggles with cutting and her bisexuality that she knew her children would one day find those things out. Duh.)

"Angie does not want her kids to know about her raunchy past," says a source. (Sidebar: Ummm...see my previous sidebar...)

And she especially doesn't want her daughters to know about her multiple boob jobs, another insider adds. (Sidebar: Oh brother...not this fuckery, too. Anybody missing a kitchen sink? Cuz I think Star's gonna claim Angie stole it by the end of this shitfest.)

"She had them enlarged just before Lara Croft: Tom Raider, then she had them made smaller," says the insider. "She hopes her girls never feel like they need breast augmentation." (Sidebar: ROTFLMAO. Okay...now this is just pathetic. Angie said very clearly that after bulking up for LC:TR she was a 36C, the character was a 36DD, and they split the difference, padded the bra and made her a 36D. After she lost the weight she gained her boobs were smaller. Does Star think she's Xtina? That girl changes boob implants more often than I blink. How is it Star doesn't understand about weight gain and loss? Women gain weight - their bra size goes up. Women lose weight - their bra size goes down - even if their cup size stays the same. You can look at candid pix of Angie and see she was a C-cup before, during and after the LC movies. And anyone who saw her in a nude scene before AND after the LC movies KNOWS those puppies are real. Yes, Star (and Mr. IUC), The Jolie's boobs are natural. Sowwy.)

Another secret Angie is determined to keep out of print: her ongoing scheme to destroy Brad's ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. (Sidebar: Let me guess - it was Angie's hand in X's back that made her fuck up her marriage, get nude on the GQ cover, faux-date loser after loser, make bad romcoms, turn her skin into a replica of the mocha brown leather couch I've got my eye on, repeatedly put on Ass & Cooch shows in Meh-hee-co, suck as an actress, be unable to get a movie greenlit on her own steam...and lest I forget, lie like a cheap ass shag rug in ever interview she's ever given?) After years of denying it, Angie finally copped to falling in love with Brad on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, while he was still married to Jen. (Sidebar: Years of denying it? Let me correct Star - She admitted it in January 2007's Vogue magazine. If Star was too stupid to realize it...NOT Angie's fault. Considering it was the first interview Angie had given since getting together with Brad, there was no "years of lying" because she had no movies to promote, therefore no reason to do interviews and didn't lie to anyone. Savvy?) But that was Angie's plan form the start, the source tells Star! "Right before filming started, Jen introduced herself to Angelina at Warner Bros. Angelina's appraisal was cool. She meant to take Brad from Jen - and he went more than willingly!" (Sidebar: ROTFLMBAOPIMP!!! Honest to God - this is the funniest thing in the whole story! We all know Brad already had 1 1/2 feet out of the door by the time M&MS started shooting, but dammit, Angie helped him put that other 1/2 of a foot over the threshold and walk away! LOL! Seriously though - now Star's claiming Angie planned to steal Brad even though she was already on the record telling interviewers that she wasn't looking for anyone and she liked life with Mad just the way it was...and turned down multiple attempts by BBT to get back together...and they just said she loved sleeping with women, too, so why would Angie have been scheming to take Brad from X before she'd even properly met the man? She said herself that she was guilty of believing the media's view of him - just as he admitted doing with her - and that's why she was so surprised by how much she liked him and how much they had in common, because he was not like the media portrayed him to be. And sorry, but she didn't sound like impressed by the prevailing opinion, therefore why would she have been scheming to "steal" him from X? I know...I know...I need to quit being so damned logical...)

The love scenes between Brad and Angie quickly turned into the real thing, says another insider. "One time, they made out after the director yelled cut, but forgot to turn their mics off. Everyone heard kissing noises and Angelina tell Brad she wanted him. When they realized everyone heard them, they ran to her trailer laughing." (Sidebar: Ay yi yi yi yi. What kind of fuckery is this? If you're going to lie, shouldn't you at least ATTEMPT to get the details right? Actors DO NOT wear mics when filming a movie. The mic is in the overhead boom and in other objects on the set. This isn't the early days of talkies. someone as Star needs to turn off the Al Jolson flix and get with the times. Movies are even in color now! And then there's the bit that they supposedly laughed and ran to their trailer. Maybe they were playing A JOKE? Brad's known as a prankster. Angie has a good sense of humor and doesn't take herself seriously. Therefore having fun on the set is NOT out of the question, as witnessed by the outtakes on the M&MS DVD. God...this mag is tiresome as fuck all.)

BLOCKING JEN

The tell-alls reveal that Angie didn't stop at stealing Jen's man (Sidebar: Uh...one book isn't being written, the other hasn't even been researched, so how does Star know what's in them already? Sorry. I let logic slip into my brain again for a millisecond. I shook my head and tumbled out of my left ear...along with the spare car key I've been missing...): She's also been blocking Jen from getting plum movie roles! "Angie grabs up all the great scripts she knows Jen wants," says a source. "At this rate, Jen will never land an Oscar-worthy role." (Sidebar: BBBBWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Damn...now I've got a stitch in my side from laughing so hard. Someone at the Star obviously got a hold of some really good ganja, blow, ex or crystal meth...or some really cheap ganja, blow, ex or crystal meth cut with Dr. Scholl's foot powder... Does Star not realize that offers come to Angie, roles meant for men are being re-written with Angie specifically in mind and Angie doesn't have to seek scripts out...unlike a certain B-list romcom actress who repeatedly makes movies with titles that reflect her patheticness, who has to audition to get a role co-starring with 22 mutts and a fellow cokehead and who can't get cast in a serious drama no matter who she sleeps with and how good friends she is with a certain studio head's daughter. Let me break this down for Star - Angie: Tied for #2 on Forbes Most Bankable Stars list; X: Tied for 55th on the same list - behind Angie's fellow Oscar winning actresses - Julia Roberts (11), Meryl Streep (16), Nicole Kidman (22), Reese Witherspoon (34) Charlize Theron (38), Cate Blanchett (39), Jodie Foster (40), Putrid (40), Kate Winslet (51); and Oscar nominees Keira Knightly (40); proven box office draws Drew Barrymore (44), Cameron Diaz 47), and Sandra Bullock (53). And then there are the women who rank equal to or below X who either get better scripts or have to hustled for them - and NONE of them are named "Angelina Jolie" - Oscar winners Halle Berry (55), Renee Zellweger (62), Hillary Swank, (68) Penelope Cruz (70), Catherine Zeta-Jones (85), Helen Mirren (96); Oscar nominees Anne Hathaway (80) and Naomi Watts (100). And then there are the other actresses who have their own production companies and come up with their own projects or can actually talk someone into funding them without having to sleep with them - ScarJo (77), Kate Hudson (80), Natalie Portman (80), JLo (98) and Uma Thurman (98).

Folks - I only made it through the first 100 out of 1400 actors that were included in the poll. Notice that Katherine Heigl's name isn't mentioned above? Yet she's the 9th or 10th highest paid actress in HW. She gets scripts that X would kill her for. There's also Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Katherine Keener, Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton - you know...women who can really bring it in a drama.

In other words - I'm not only calling BULLSHIT on Star but I'm laughing in their faces for so wantonly flaunting their stupidity.

http://star-currency.forbes.com/celebrity-list/top-celebrities)

And Angie is about to ratchet up her vengeance on Jen, the source adds. "They both have big movies coming out: in July 2010 Angie's film Salt opens,and later comes Jen's film The Baster. Angie has already secured the covers of Vanity Fair and another major magazine because she knew Jen wanted to do them too." (Sidebar: Pfffft. Like Graydon Carter is going to tell the Star magazine his plans for the JULY 2010 cover! Graydon Carter doesn't trust his own staff with info on future issues of his mag. I'm almost positive Candace Trunzo IS NOT on his list of "most trustworthy people." And then there's the fact that X's movie isn't a major studio release and will be going the same "limited release" route as misManagement - and Traveling, too, IF she ever gets a US distributor for it.)

Baring her deepest secrets, Morton's book could be painfully embarrassing for Angie. (Sidebar: Then again, there could be no secrets to bare and the book will be little more than a rehash of all the things Angie has already told herself.) But it's bodyguard Brett's tell-all that may deliver the most bitter blow, says a source. (Sidebar: That should be ..."ex-bodyguard Mickey Brett, won't deliver any blows because Brett's tell-all has been stopped in its tracks by one of the most powerful entertainment law firms in the world.")

"Angelina trusted Mickey with her kids and her life," the source explains. She always felt protected with him. Now she's devastated to hear that he's talking about her private life. I doubt she'll ever get too chummy with a bodyguard again. She learned her lesson." (Sidebar: I think this faux quote fulfills Star's "1% Real Fruit Juice" quota for the article. I'm sure Angie called Mickey herself and gave him an earful. Then again, Mickey had nothing but nice things to say about HER. I doubt she'd ever make Assley's wet dreams come true and sic him on Brad IF they split. Sorry, Ass. You and your alters are on your own.)


COVER STORY PHOTO - B/A/Z/S exiting the Stop & Shop on Long Island

CAPTION - Sure, Angie is now a great mom t her six kids (there's another on the way) - but she's got lots of skeletons in her closet! (Sidebar: Yes, Star is STILL pimping their fake pregnancy...)

SIDEBAR: ANGIE SLEPT WITH HER MOM'S BOYFRIEND... (includes a photo of Angie & her mother at the Original Sin premiere - they cropped Jacqueline Bissett out of the photo)

A tell-all could reveal that after hooking up with her mother Marcheline's boyfriend, "Angie cried and begged march to forgive her," an insider tells Star. "Of course, March did." (Sidebar of my own: Lying about sleeping with a dead woman's boyfriend? Thank God Angie's mother didn't live to see this bullshit.)

...AND SHARED A BED WITH HER BROTHER! (includes the obligatory pic of Angie kissing James after she won her Oscar)

The truth about Angie's strange relationship with her brother James Haven, whom she kissed on the lips at the Oscars in 2000, may finally be revealed. "I've heard that she'd creep into his bed when they were in their teens," says Morton. (Sidebar of my own: Wow...that seals it for me...he "heard". Guess it must be true, then. In her teens? Umm...pardon me for pointing this out, but when she was 14 her boyfriend moved into their house with them...so did she bring her boyfriend along on the trips to James' room? Seriously, WTF is wrong with people? Teenage siblings of the opposite sex sleeping in the same bed, so they MUST be having an incestuous relationship? These people need to sign up for Maury's show and stop projecting their own slimy perversions on everyone else. And why is all of this shit Angie's fault? All of these men Star has accused her of "seducing" are older than she is and supposedly responsibility and maturity comes with age, so why are they getting a free pass and Angie's being made into a big ole X-type ho?)

SIDEBAR - SHE CHEATED ON BRAD!

Photo - Brad outside the Standard hotel two weeks ago with a big cut-out circle proclaiming "BOMBSHELL TELL-ALL!"...The big ass caption is just in case you forgot that Star is giving you a first look at info that Morton has yet to uncover because he's still "researching" Angie in L.A...

Brad may have fallen for Angie while he was still wed to Jennifer Aniston, but in the summer of 2007, Angie began cheating on him with a blonde, female rock superstar! "Mickey the bodyguard knew all about this relationship," an insider tells Star. (Sidebar of my own: This would be the same "insider" who SOLD OuttaTouch this SAME TALE 4 months ago...and UK tabloid Grazia 2 months before that. What a wonderful pedigree of truth & honesty, huh? This lie is a dog even X wouldn't make a movie with.) "And the details are pretty hot! Between the summer of 2007 and September 2008, Angie and this singer had sex about half a dozen times, and they hooked up a few times late at night, right on the beach in Malibu! (Sidebar: Wait a sec - Star just said Angie checked into hotels to have sex with women...now they're saying she was such a skank she did it on the beach instead. This story is like watching a cat play with a ball of yarn - it's one big fucking knotted mess.) Now Angie considers her a friend and doesn't want to tarnish her image with this coming out!" (Sidebar of my own: Let me start with the obvious - It's already been stated that Mickey has not been allowed a visa to enter the U.S., let alone a green card to work here, since the late 1990s. Therefore, any tales of a lesbian affair in Malibu, coming from Mickey, unless he claims Angie told him directly, would be here say or an outright lie. Secondly Angie wasn't in California, much less Malibu, very often from April 2007 to mid-October 2007; and she spent 6 1/2 months of 2008 very pregnant, the last 4 months of which she was in France, followed by spending 2 months in seclusion at their rented French estate. So...was she having lesbian sex while pregnant with Brad's child? Is this what Star really wants us to believe?

Since the Star has clearly forgotten where Angie (WITH BRAD and the kids) spent most of 2007, let me remind me. Using my memory (and Jared's archives!) I'm going to give Angie's very busy itinerary for the time period laid out in this sidebar - Summer (June 22) 2007 to September 2008 - and dare Star to show me where this woman had time to have lezbo relationships behind Brad backs...unless it was with Gwen Stefani while Shiloh & Kingston were having a play date! We all know Gavin swings both ways, why NOT Gwen? And she is blond...and she IS a "rock star". BTW - keep in mind that Angie told Marie Claire that Pax was sleeping in their bed after she brought him home from the orphanage (and the other kids would crawl in, too). She said he adjusted to life with them pretty quickly, but who knows how long he slept in their bed before he was able to sleep the night through on his own. She also said that she could only leave Pax with others for an hour or two at a time because he'd get scared, panic and started crying if she was gone too long.

Okay.. Here we go...

- Early-to-mid-June 2007: Promoting AMH in LA and NYC, followed by Brad's O13 premiere in LA. Probably spent a total of 8 days in Cali - worked the entire time, including an evening she and Brad spent with Daniel Pearl's parents, another evening showing AMH to the Daniel Pearl Foundation

- Mid-June 2007: Back in Prague for Wanted shoot; took a side trip to Bilbao with Brad; Brad spent 1 day in Berlin with his architect buds, so I guess she could have been cheating then, but the last time I checked Prague and Malibu are about 5,600 miles apart...

- Mid-to-late July 2007: Family on vacay in France

- Early August 2007: Family back in L.A. for TWO DAYS while Angie does voice work for KFP. Family then heads to Chicago for end of Wanted shoot

- First 2 weeks of August 2007: In Chicago shooting Wanted

- Third week of August 2007: In NO for a few days while Brad does some work on his Global Green project

- Last week of August 2007: Moved to NYC for Brad's BAR shoot, then to Venice, Deauville and Toronto FFs, 1 in DC for Angie to meet with Condi & Colin Powell while Brad was at the Washington Post researching his ill-fated SOP role as a journalist, but otherwise in NYC for about 6 weeks while Brad shot BAR and they both did the CGI

- Mid-Oct 2007 to early Dec 2007: Back to LA for Changeling shoot, which began on Oct 16. Also had the LA Beowulf premiere, then to London for 1 day for the Beowulf premiere their. In November she cancelled a trip to Italy, due to illness, to speak at some charity event that was presenting her with an award. Otherwise she worked on Changeling 5 days a week...and judging from what she said in the USA Today interview with Clint, she spend all her time in between shots knockin' boots with Brad in her trailer. Considering how Star spent this entire time saying Angie was too "scarily skinny" and knockin' at death's door because she refused to eat... you'd think the woman would have been too tired for a little lezbo nookie on the side!

- Early Dec 2007: Back in NO where Brad announced his MIR project. Oooh...On Dec 8/9 Brad and Angie went to Vegas for the Hatton/Mayweather fight...WITH GWEN & GAVIN! So there you have it - it's Gwen Stefani! Okay, okay...forget they were in public most of the time and nobody reported, let alone video-taped, any lezbo sex acts between them! This is Star we're talking about...

- Mid-December 2007: Back to LA for a week or so while Brad pimps MIR on talk shows around the country. All his spots were filmed in LA, so settle down trolls. At this point Angie was already pregnant and knew it. But maybe that's an aphrodisiac for her fictitious lesbian lover....

- Late Dec 2007: Back in NO for the holidays; followed by a trip to Missouri

- Early January 2008: Back to LA for awards season where everyone wondered if Angie was preggers at the CCA's and then her cleavage was on display at the SAGs. Once again, Star, Angie is pregnant...by Brad...NOT the fictitious lesbian lover. BUT...let's not forget that Angie did the VF photoshoot at Malibu house around this time...except... it was with dozens of people from VF present and no lesbian lover anywhere around. Drats! Foiled again!

- Early February 2008: Angie's honored at the Santa Barbara Film Festival...make that A STILL PREGNANT BY BRAD PITT'S SPERM ANGELINA JOLIE. The family then heads to Mammoth Mountain for a few days of skiing and snowboard. Followed by dinner with the Eastwoods, then Angie goes to Iraq - sans her lesbian lover who was waiting in vain for her on the beach in the 'Bu. When she returns to LA 4 days later they head to the Ind Spirit Awards where Angie's pregnancy was revealed...and the fictitious lesbian lover wept...

- Late Feb 2008: The day after the Night Before party that the tabs touted as the first Angie/Brad/X showdown the family shows up in Austin, TX for TOL shoot. Angie's already 3 1/2 months preggers...and once again, Austin, TX is nowhere near Malibu, CA.

- Mid-March 2008: The family goes to NO for Brad's the CGI event with Bill Clinton; then back to TX to complete TOL shoot. During this time the Star had a story claiming Brad and Angie had married in NO. When Peeps and US debunked their story, Bonnie Fuller, at the time she still oversaw Star, then tried to bribe a clergyman at a church in NO to get him to say he'd performed the wedding ceremony. The preacher refused and told everyone about the bribe attempt' Bonnie was later fired, but alas, it had little to do with the failed bribe attempt than with Star's plunging circ numbers. Angie also went to Washington DC for 2 days during this time. She took Maddox & Pax and met up with Marianne Pearl to present her with an award. Since Marianne is neither blonde nor a rock star, Star is crossing her off the list of potential lesbian lovers.

Mid-April 2008: Family heads back to LA for about a week, then decamps for Paul Allen's villa in southern France. At this point Angie's belly is waaaaaaay out there. Once again...maybe this fictitious lesbian lover has a thing for hugely pregnant women carrying not 1, but 2, of Brad Pitt's babies.

April 29, 2008: E! reports that the J-Ps are in France.

May - September 30, 2008: The family is in France, where they stayed at various abodes, sans Angie's fictitious lesbian lover, for the birth of the twins, Angie's recovery, family bonding time with the kids, grandparents and extended family until they return to the U.S. in the wee morning hours of October 2, 2008 for the Changeling premiere at the NYFF. Brad, however, did take trips to the Venice FF at the end of August 2008 and the Toronto IFF in early September; and also started shooting IB in Germany before the rest of the family moved there to be with him. However, this is all extraneous info and I'm rubbing salt in Star's open, puss-filled wound because they claim the fictitious affair ended by September 2008. I was just being mean. Shame on me, huh?

And that, folks, is how you kneecap a bitch. Idiotic stories that give specific timelines for fictitious events are a big no-no in tabloid journalism. It's far too easy to prove they're lying. Were there opportunities during this time for Angie to have an affair? Sure. Then again, there were opportunities during this time for Angie cure cancer, end the war in Iraq and accidentally run over X with a luxury SUV...but she didn't do any of that shit either, did she?)