Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I’m shaking things up a little this week. I’m adding People to the tab report because I’m sick of their fuckery. First they paid homage to the non X/Urinator “anniversary” with an online article that made me heave two sentences into it…now they’re acting all shocked by the split and pretending like they didn’t just kiss X’s ass by annointing her and The Urinator Bestest Celeb Couple Evah. I was going to do all 6 mags, but the camera phone I used to take pix of the articles (I know, shame on me) screwed up and the pix of the Bauer rags are unreadable and I’m too lazy to go back to the store and take notes or more pictures. Besides…new rags come out tomorrow…

Sooooo…here ya go…Peeps’ usual ass kissing story…

SUDDENLY SINGLE: They seemed blissfully happy at the Academy Awards, but since her surprising split with boyfriend John Mayer, pals say she’s embraced life as a free agent. (Sidebar: This is Peeps’ way of saying, “We didn’t buy their act anymore than you did, but we’re the “NICE” tabloid.)

By Michelle Tauber, Jennifer Garcia, Pernilla Codenheim and Blaine Zuckerman in L.A. and K.C. Baker, Elizabeth McNeil, Alyssa Shelasky and Jeff Truesdell in New York City. (Sidebar: Why in the hell it takes 8 people to kiss X’s ass is beyond me. Doesn’t Peeps know we’re in a recession? They could slash the price of the mag by a buck-fifty and sell more copies if they’d get rid of 7 of the people on X Watch! Bitch never does anything, so why does it take 8 people to watch her do nothing?)

( On the facing page there’s a big ass photo of X with every dagger-like tooth in her Jokeresque mouth showing…the caption says, “When you’re older, and single, you learn that life isn’t one big fairytale,” a pal says of Aniston. (Sidebar: Took that btich to middle age to figure that out? No wonder the twat can’t keep a man. Most of us have this sussed out by 2nd grade.))

A little more than a month agao, a radiant Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend John Mayer happily posed for photographers at the Oscars. (Sidebar: What Peep’s really means is “THEY FAKED BEING A COUPLE FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS SO X DIDN’T LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE LOSER FOR CRASHING BRAD & ANGIE’S BIG NIGHT.”) Now it seems that before the the last of the evening’s tuxedos and couture gowns had come back from the cleaners, the on-again, off-again pair had called it quits. “They had some disagreements and decided to not continue to see each other,” a friend told People of the mid-March breakup.(Sidebar: “Had some disagreements” aka she wanted his contract to run through Cannes and he said, “I don’t think so, bitch!”) “Jen seems happy and is moving on with her life like she always does.” (Sidebar: Something else the friend said that Peeps left out, “Hell, she gets dumped once a week, so it’s really no big deal. By now she can dump herself and the guy doesn’t have to say a word. All he has to do is jerk his thumb toward the door….and it’s HER HOUSE!”)

Jennifer, 40 (intellectually going on 13), is rebounding with good humor and help from her tight group of girlfriends. (Sidebar: “Girlfriends” is code word for lesbian lovers when she’s between men.) She dated John, 32, for roughly a year – except for a brief breakup last August. (Sidebar: They didn’t date for a full year. It was morelike 9 months – and 2 of that they were broken up! BTW, In X-Land “brief” doesn’t mean the same as it does in the real world. For instance – brief to me is the rest of the week. “Brief” to X is roughly 67 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes, 17 seconds.) But after their night at the Oscars, jennifer traveled to Europe to promote Marley & Me, and when she returned, the couple decided to call it a day. (Sidebar: This sentence is Peoplese for, “He dumped her Oscar night with one last sympathy fuck-and-pee but she begged him to wait until she got back from Europe to make the announcement.”) So who dumped whom? “He’s not her dream guy,” says a pal. (Sidebar: Yeah, Brad is…now that he’s long gone. When she had him he couldn’t do anything right by her standards!) “She likes companionship, romance – John fit the bill. But she never placed a lot of weight on things.” (Sidebar: Don’tcha just love Huvane Revisionist History? Need I remind Peeps? "...I feel seriously protective of him and us...I deeply, deeply care about him - we talk, we adore one another. And that's where it is.") As for John, “he is a serial dater,” says a source. (Sidebar: Uh…what’s X if not a “serial dater”?) “Anyone dating him probably shouldn’t be looking for love, marriage and a baby carriage.” Adds another friend, “[With him] it’s younger, hotter, younger, hotter, younger hotter.” (Sidebar: Which X knew going into the “relationship”. So why didn’t the dumb cunt ever ask herself, “He likes ‘em young and stupid – so why is he dating a stupid 40 year-old instead of a stupid 20 year old?” Oh my bad…cuz…”Love just shows up and you go, 'Oh, wow, this is going to be a hayride and a half'. People need to mind their own business. Did you ever think Claudia Schiffer and David Copperfield made sense? Did Susan Anton and Dudley Moore make sense?")

Her love life may be a touch point for single women everywhere, (Sidebar: I’m single…and I ain’t touching jackshit that’s been anywhere near this ho!) but the actress refuses to dwell. (Sidebar: Shut up! They mean about The Urinator dumping her not Brad!) “I don’t feel regretful,” she tells British Elle magazine in it’s April issue. “I don’t feel disappointed. I don’t feel let down. I don’t feel any of those emotions that are ascribed to me. I just feel extremely lucky.” (Sidebar: Okay…NOW X is talking about Brad. Remember she was still with Johnny Pee Good when she gave the interview. It’s always comes back to Brad with this skank. She’s probably reworked Brian McKnight’s “Back At One” into her theme song -

One, you're never going to get away from me
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, boy it's plain to see
That I'm going to have to stalk you for eternity
Four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you come back to me
If ever you believe that we are done
Then I'll start back at one)

With good reason. Jennifer’s movie career is humming along, with her last two films, He’s Just Not That Into You and Marley & Me earning more than $230 million at the box office. (Sidebar: That’s DOMESTIC box office of movies based on best-selling books. As I said before – that shit would have been a hit with Paris Hilton in X’s role. BTW - Combined the two movies haven’t even earned half that as they go over like lead balloons at foreign box offices.) She also stars in the indie film Management, (Sidebar: “Indie” is codeword for “No studio will waste money to put X in a lead role because they want to make a profit, not donate to her Meh-hee-co vacation fund.”), and starts shooting the comedy The Baster, in which she plays a single woman trying to have a baby, in New York City this month. (Sidebar: What a stretch, huh? Playing a single woman who can’t find a real live man who’ll put up with her shit long enough to be her baby Daddy would NEVER happen to X in real life…)

Meantime, Jennifer has been spending most of her time with her yoga teacher pal Mandy Inger (Sidebar: This is Peoplese for “Jen’s long-time lezbo booty call who masquerades as her yoga teacher.”) and her best friend Courteney Cox Arquette – and being just fine with that. “I’m really proud of my life now,” she told Elle. “I’ve only had great experiences. I want people to know that.” (Sidebar: Uh-huh. Sure…you want people to know that NOW…after 4 years of incessant pity parties, Ass & Cooch PR Extravaganzas, fake PR relationships and dragging Brad and Angie into every interview. If you were having such great experiences, then why all the bitching and moaning?)

SIDEBAR: WHERE SHOULD JEN GO FROM HERE (Sidebar of my own: For the record, Peeps DID NOT include my suggestions): Her next move? The experts weigh in – She’s rich and gorgeous (stop snickering!): Does Jen even NEED a man? Elizabeth Gilbert, authoer of the ’06 post breakup memoir Eat, Pray, Love, and Aniston fave, doesn’t think so: “The only ‘poor Jennifer’ feeling I have is that she can’t get a cup of coffee without someone wondering why she’s not married.” (Sidebar of my own: People, People, People…down there rolling in the muck with the rest of the tabs. They just happened to dig up an “expert” – and how is this woman an exert? Because she got dumped? – whose book Brad own the movie rights for? Classy, Peeps, classy.) Besides, at 40, says Gilbert, “you own so much more of yourself.” If she is looking for a guy, relationship guru Helen Fisher prescribes this, “Get out there and look for the right one.” (Sidebar: First of all, DUH. Hope Peeps didn’t pay too much money for that unique gem of advice. Secondly, basically what Helen Fisher is saying is, “Jen, stop letting your publicist find men for your PR schemes! If you can’t keep a man interested in your mind and body – use your millions, moron! Buy a gigolo! It’s worked for Zsa Zsa, Liz and Joan Collins for donkey years!”)

SIDEBAR: PEOPLE.COM POLL – WHO SHOULD JENNIFER DATE NEXT? (Sidebar of my own: As if it’s up to her! Pfffft!)

  • George Clooney – 57% (Run, Porgie, RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!! Yet another low blow from Peeps. They suggest someone they themselves have told us for 8 years is one of BRAD’S best friends? They don’t call it muckraking for nothing. Ya gotta roll around in the pig sty if you wanna make a buck.)

  • John Mayer – 18% (This means 18% of the voters think his contract isn’t up yet.)

  • Justin Long – 15% (Just got off the phone with Justin – he said the Mac commercials are keeping him in beer and Doritos and that’s all he really needs in life.)

  • Robert Pattinson – 9% (Hmmm…just can’t see X taking Cougaring to the schoolroom. She needs those soccer moms’ approval too much. Then again…those same soccer moms read the Twilight books, so they may not object. The real problem is Pattinson himself. He wants to know who Jennifer Aniston is. When told she was the woman Brad Pitt dumped for Angelina Jolie, Pattinson said, “Bloody hell! You mean the slag that’s stalkin’ ‘im?”)

Random Quotes – I hate the way these mags take a quot that’s not in the article and put it in a little box in the middle of the page…but…

“Jen is an absolute realist. She knows life has ups and downs” says a pal of Aniston’s. (Sidebar: Knowing it abstractly and knowing it in a finite context are two entirely different things. X’s problem is that she still hasn’t figure out that HER REALITY ain’t everybody else’s! It sure as hell wasn’t Brad’s. Four years later and she STILL doesn’t get that.)


Despite Aniston's last-ditch gifts to Mayer, their roller coaster romance - surprise! - fizzles again.

By Jaime Buerger (with reporting by Rebecca Bienstock, Ian Drew, Aili Nahas, Omid Scobie, Ingrid Sheaffer, Amy Sultan & Natalie Thomas (Gotta get that disclaimer in there...and here’s another mag that could save money and slash the price of the mag by getting rid of some of these “reporters” they have hiding in posh bathrooms and loitering in swank hotel lobbies around the world.))

Promoting Marley & Me in four countries in one week last month (Sidebar: Fat lot of good it did her. The movie’s going down like the Hindenburg (Please tell me I’m not going to have to explain that one…) Hope the studio can get a tax break on that $50K they wasted on Hair Boy.) didn't leave Jennifer Aniston with much free time, but she managed to squeeze in one side excursion: a February 26 shopping trip to buy gifts for beau John Mayer. Just hours before a Paris event, a rushed Aniston stopped by the trendy Colette boutique - one of Mayer's all-time favorite stores. "She had a long list of things she knew John wanted," a store source tells US of Aniston's 15-minute shopping spree. "She could've sent someone else to shop, but she seemed intent on doing it herself." (Sidebar: True…she could have sent a lackey, but then no one would have known she was buying gifts for The Urinator…which leads me to believe she wasn’t dumped until AFTER she got back from Europe. She was buying gifts because she spent the previous night ignoring him and staring at the back of Brad’s head for 3 ½ hours while chanting, “Come back to me, Brad! Come back to me, Brad! Come back to me Brad!”)

Even with Aniston's best efforts, the couple, whom sources say had cooled off before she left for Europe, are over once again. (Sidebar: Hmmmm...Oscars Feb 22...X left for Europe Feb 23...if they had "cooled off"...then why go to the Oscars with him and why the kissy-kissy act? Busted, bitch!) "She called him when she got back, and they decided to let it end," says a source close to the pair (Steven Huvane) - who had already broken up twice in 13 months. (Sidebar: Let's see...they started dating in May 2008. It is now March 24, 2009. Is there some new math thing I don't know about? Cuz...that comes out to 10 months on MY calendar.) "It was amicable; they both wanted different things." (Sidebar: Yah...The Urinator said that in August 2008 when he dumped her...yet there he was "wasting somebody's time" - MINE!) Still, a subdued Mayer posted on Twitter March 16, "This heart didn't come with instructions." (Sidebar: It didn't come with a contract for a fake relationship either, but you did it anyway!)

Although Aniston and Mayer appeared tight on Oscar night - "We're dates," Mayer boasted - a source says things were already crumbling. (Sidebar: Evidence? Seen that picture of X trying to give The Urinator her best Fish Lips kiss in the Bahamas?) So why hold off the split? "They're friends, and he cares about her," says a source, adding that he knew the night would be hard for her. (Sidebar: It wouldn't have been quite so "hard" had the bitch had stayed home instead of turning the Oscar's into her version of a boiling bunny!) "He's a good guy and went when she invited him." (Sidebar: This is USese for, "It was written in his contract that if by some miracle X got invited to any awards shows where Brad and Angie were present that he had to accompany her and fawn all over her.")


Some inside Mayer's camp say the nine-year age gap became insurmountable. "John does want to get married and have kids - just not right now," the friend tells Us of the 31-year-old rocker. (Sidebar: In other words - The Urinator was willing to piss on her for a variety show, but he wouldn't give up the squigglies. A familiar refrain, ain't it? He probably had to swallow the condoms after sex...just to make sure she didn't make "The Baster" a reality.) And Aniston, 40, wasn't willing to wait: "She's ready for it." (Sidebar: She's ready for kids? Oh yeah...that explains why she wasted 10, not 13, months with this moron...all the while scheming to make more bad romcoms. Once again we see that X has a different definition of a word than the rest of the civilized world.) (Counters and Aniston source: "It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy.") (Sidebar: Don't make me go back and find that Vogue quote again, "We adore each other! Love just happens!" She didn't say, "Eh, he's okay and his dick is better than my Mr. Big Stuff Super Huge Vibrator With A Rabbit and Interchangable Textured Sleeves.")

Work could also have been a factor. Mayer has been holed up in his new rented Los Angeles-area house - where workers were seen installing recording equipment March 12 - to focus on his new album. (Sidebar: Dear Lord, please tell me he's not recording "Say, Part II" or a sequel to "Daughters" called "Fathers Watch Out For Your Daughters Cuz I'm Single Again And Ready To Pee") He's a serious musician," an insider says. "He's in recording mode, which means he won't be running around." (Sidebar: I live in hope...but I ain't holding my breath waiting NOT to see him...)

Of course, while some in Aniston’s circle were "amused but wary" of her beau, others saw darker motives, "Her friends suspected he was using her for press," says on inside source. (Sidebar: Uh...DUH! And she was using him for...guess what? PRESS! Bitch can't have the world thinking she's unlovable simply because Brad Pitt dumped her neurotic ass and proceeded to knock up the sexiest woman alive and adopt a brood of adorable kiddies with her. Nah...X would NEVER use a man to get press coverage. Shame on me for even suggesting it.) Another suggests Aniston was also looking for personal gain, "The whole thing is a publicity stunt they're both in on." (Sidebar: No shit, Sherlock. She's preaching to the choir, but preach on!)


But given their up-and-down history, could a reconciliation be in their future? "He still thinks the world of her," a friend tells Us. (Sidebar: The source went on to say, "Yeah, he's keeping her around for a 3am booty call because his groupies have to be home by their 1am curfew. Besides, John said she can get 'the good shit in the middle of the night. His dealer on works 8-5.") Besides, their current split could simply be due to a moody Aniston. (Pffft!) "She's always either all-the-way-hot or all-the-way-cold," the source tells Us. (Sidebar: Let me break this down for you - "All-the-way-hot" = The Urinator bought the ganja for a change. "All-the-way-cold" = Bitch was coked out and paranoid as fuck all.) "But that doesn't mean it won't be on again tomorrow." (Sidebar: No, it'll be on again May 8th...cuz Cannes is just around the corner!)

RANDOM QUOTE IN A BIG ASS CIRCLE IN THE MIDDLE OF PAGE 2 - "They're different people and could both tell it just wasn't working." a source tells Us. (Sidebar: Yet they got back together and famewhored their way onto tabloid covers for another 5 months.)

Photo of The Urinator at the Oscars with the following caption - A source tells Us things began to sour before the Oscars (Feb. 22): "He went with her as a gesture - nothing more." (Sidebar: I got a gesture for both of 'em...two if I use both hands.)


This is little collection of pix of items X supposed bought The Urinator at the Colette store with a source saying X picked up some shit she though Pee Boy would like - including a pair of $623 Lavin sneakers (Sidebar of my own: $623 for sneaker? Shit. They better come with Michael Jordan in them!) and a fug Junya Watanabe checked shirt for $455. (Sidebar of my own: $455 for a shirt that looks like the blue-and-white checked tabled cloth my mother had when I was 10? Hell, we made that shit in 11th grade home ec!)


Photos of some big ass house The Urinator is supposedly renting while he records his next album - I've already told you about 2 of the songs. Just multiply the cheese by 6, add some solos ripped off from past Clapton, Buddy Guy and B.B. King albums and you've got the rest of the record. The house is supposedly $10MIL, 11,000 square feet in Hidden Hills with 8 bedrooms and a 6-car garage. (Sidebar: Hmmmm...8 bedrooms...6-car garage...party boy...dumped X...hmmmm...yep...he's planning an orgy! He's probably got a house full of his skeezer friends and a dozen Fuck Bunnies even as I type...)


How’s this for a parting shot: Big mouth John Mayer wants to spill the intimate details of his relationship with Jennifer Aniston in a no-holds barred book – including the night Jen called him ‘Brad’ in bed! (Sidebar: Books like this are why Barnes & Nobles has Starbuck’s inside – pull up a seat, get a Double Chocolate Mocha Latte with extra whip cream, a chocolate chip cookie and prepare to laugh…)

By Heidi Parker, Casey Brennan and Kate Major (Sidebar: I hope to God these names are aliases…cuz if this was me – working for the Star and pulling stories out of my ass AND using my real name? My mother would disown me and tell everyone I’d died a tragic, but long and painful, death and someone had stolen my identity.)

As if being dumped by John Mayer - again! - wasn't humiliating enough for Jennifer Aniston (Sidebar: This story should put her over the edge!), insiders tell Star that he's talking about writing a blockbuster tell-all, revealing the intimate details of their relationship. And he could net a whopping $10 million! (Sidebar: Let’s see…this is the exact same amount Star claimed X was getting for her Brad tell-all. Are we really supposed to believe that a tell-all about Brad & Angie would be woth the same as a tell-all about X and The Urinator? BBBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This shit had to have been leaked by Huvane. Nobody else thinks that highly of X.)

"John just can't keep his mouth shut, and he's telling friends that he's thinking of going public with all of their juicy secrets," a pal tells Star. (Sidebar: Uh…she knew he prone to gum-flapping when she made him serve out his contract!)

"He's been keeping notes in his daily journal since the minute they met, and he knows that he can make millions of dollars." (Sidebar: You know how I like to say there’s a grain of truth in tab articles? A. Single. Grain. Well…The Urinator taking notes sounds about right. I can see it now, “Dear Diary, Must remember this for future use – always have an assistant call the razzi to tip them off of my whereabouts. Never do it myself. Not because it’s beneath me…but because they’ll recognize my voice.”)

Among the revelations that could be most embarrassing for Jen, says a source, is her ongoing obsession with her ex-husband Brad Pitt. "John told a friend that Jen called John 'Brad' by accident several times," an insider tells Star. (Sidebar: Pffft. Please. That shit was written in his contract, “Employer reserves the right to call employee by ex-husband’s name at inappropriate moments.”) "John said it totally flipped him out, especially when it happened while they were in bed together!. (See…I told ya!) It made him insecure because he knows he's not as good looking as Brad. John even told Jen, 'I can't compete with the Sexiest Man Alive!' which just made Jen laugh." (Sidebar: Sadly…this is NOT “a grain of truth”. You know The Urinator thinks he’s The Shiznack. He’s the only one on the planet who doesn’t know that his head is twice the size of the average human head. You don’t usually see heads that size on people who aren’t in a state institution on a ventilator wiith 6 tubes coming out of their head to drain off the excess water.)

But Jen wasn't laughing at an Oscars after party at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood when, even though John was at her side, she kept her eyes glued on the door to see if Brad and his partner Angelina Jolie walked in. (Sidebar: Okay…now the Star is up to 2 grains of truth. You know X faced the door all night and jumped a mile everytime someone tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to move out of the way so they could get out of the ladies room.)


"They never showed," says a source, "but Jen watched out for him like a hawk. John says it was always all about Brad. he couldn't stand that Jen was not over her ex. He couldn't believe she could still be hung up on him years after splitting." (Sidebar: Grain #3. John (just this one time I’m using his real name), dude…if you’re reading this…GET IN THE FUCKING LINE! The only person in the world who’s not shocked that X hasn’t moved on is Putrid Fishsticks. That ho’s still talking about Brad, too, and it’s been almost 12 years since he dumped her!)

Jen has good cause to fear that John, 31, will go public with their most private moments. (Sidebar: Pfffft. Like this ho wouldn’t get a confidentiality agreement. She made Norman and Dolly sign confidentiality agreements! Their little paws had black in on them for a month. Then X refused to pay the groomer becaue her doggies weren’t clean enough.) When the couple split up for the first time last August, he wasted no time blabbing about the painful breakup. "People have different chemistry, they have different lives." John said at the time. After his outburst, Jen angrily warned John to keep a lid on it. But Jen let John back into her life, and she trusted him. (Sidebar: Yeah…she let him back in…cuz, despite Huvane spending 2 months making cold calls he couldn’t find anyone else dumb enough to take over The Urinator’s contract…especially once they realized they’d have to put out, too!)

And now he has even more to talk about, including 40-year old Jen's fanatic exercise and beauty regime. He told a friend that it can take up more than six hours every day, including time spent tanning and fussing with her hair and makeup. "John says Jennifer weighs herself every morning, pumps herself up on coffee and then runs three or four miles on the treadmill," a source tells Star. (Sidebar: Grain 4. It’s not a stretch…by much…to imagine X spending that much time making herself look presentable. Or do I have to hunt down some makeupless X photos? Please don’t make me do that…My eyesight already sucks. Looking at X pix is my Kryptonite.)


"She also does yoga or Pilates for, like, four hours a day. It's unreal!" John told another source, "John goes to the gym but he says, to him, this is obsessive." (Sidebar: The Urinator was just mad because X wouldn’t “do” the yoga… instructor …in his presence…and she found the video recorder he hid.)

"She even has a punching bag at home that she would use for hours to keep her arms firm and toned. She stares in the mirror and pounds it until she can barely stand up." (Sidebar: I think we all know who’s picture X keeps on that punching bag that gets her so motivated. Three guesses and if takes more than one then question your Jolie-Pitt allegiance…) Jen is so zealous about her training that she "flipped out once when her yoga teacher arrived 10 minutes late," John told a source. (Sidebar: Just imagine how bent out of shape X must get when Hair Boy is late and she needs to leave the house. I think I’d actually pay money to see that…)

"She said it ruined her whole day, and she threw a fit. John just watched her, amazed." (Sidebar: Please, Jesus, tell me The Urinator caught this on his fictitious video recorder…)

John's private journal is filled with detail about Jen's daily life, like how she watches "hours and hours of reality TV," (Sidebar: I think now we know who watches the Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. X watches it as she exercises for 4 hours and laughs at all the former celebs who have to do reality shows to make money…you know…onacounta she’s a REAL actress and made tons of loot doing a sitcom…) he told an insider. "And she devotes tons of time to self-help gurus, astrology, numerology and all this New Age stuff." (Sidebar: And yet she’s still fug and alone. Girlfriend needs to quit wasting time and money and go ahead and hire a witchdoctor and be done with it. Thank God the J-P’s have a close friend from Haiti. Wyclef can counter the mojo without batting an eye…)

John could also spill the beans about their sex life, which John told friends, "was better than with any other girl. He says Jen is very aggressive in bed and loves all that role-play stuff. She even dressed up for him a couple of times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice.” (Sidebar: The true mark of a desparate woman – one who’ll go outside her kink comfort level just to please a man. Here’s some free advice for X – If the kink don’t come naturally to you…don’t force it. For instance…your man says to you, “Oh God, Jen…that was the best orgasm ever…but you know what would make it extra good? Let me pee on you.” And you wrinkle your nose and gag? It’s time to find a new man and show Mr. Leaky One Eye the door. DO NOT say, ‘Uh, sure, baby…IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT”. That just gives him license to go even further and the next thing you know you’re wondering why you’re giving him an enema…and later hiding the ruined sheets from the butler. Nancy Regan said it best – JUST SAY NO!.)


But perhaps the biggest humiliation for Jen would be John publishing some of the many private photographs he told friends he's taken of her. (Sidebar: Tell the truth…you’d look…I know I would…)

"John says he loved taking pictures of Jennifer because he thinks she's stunningly gorgeous," the source tells Star. (Sidebar: For the record – the copies of the Star I found were singed around the edges. Somebody at American Media got a wee bit too close to Hell on publishing day.)

"He also has lots of photos of her in Mexico looking sloshed after their big New Year's Eve party. Jen drank tons of cocktails and they all rocked out until the sun came up. In the photos, she's smoking and drinking and does not look at all like the dream girl next door! no one has ever seen pictures of Jen looking that way. I think she'd be devastated if they got out. She looks like a wild party animal!" (Sidebar: Ummm…not that I doubt X was lit up like a Times Square Christmas tree…but X “rocked out”? I’m not sure if that’s a euphysm for partying or a reference to crack. Could be either. X loves to smoke. X loves coke. Why not combine the two – smoke cocaine. Oh Lord…just what the world needs – a white Whitney Houston…let’s just hope X doesn’t sing...)

John told friends he also liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping, the source continues. "That sounds innocent enough, but she was wearing next to nothing, had no makeup on and her hair was a wreck. I don't think she'd want those to get out either!" (Sidebar: Uh…bitch goes out in a teeny-tiny bikini and splays her legs open for the ratzi, rucks her bikini bottom up into the crack of her ass, pulls the bikini bra down until her nips are almost showing…poses in nothing but a necktie on the cover of a national men’s magazine…but she doesn’t want the world to see her asleep and nekkid because she’s not wearing makeup and hair’s not flat-ironed to death? Yeah…that sounds about right for X. Guess I’ll make that Grain #5.)

But the confidential dish plus the pictures could mean a major payday for John, says book publisher Ron Turner of Last Gasp Publishing. (Sidebar: Oh yeah, right, Last Gasp Publishing. Everybody's heard of them. They're right up there with Mc-Graw Hill, Random House, HarperCollins and Simon & Schuster. Not. These are probably the same clowns who "publish" Mr. IUC's shitastic "books".) "John Mayer could easily get $10 million for a book deal because he has two markets," Turner explains. "His own, which are the fans who like his music, and Jennifer Aniston's, who he has all the goods on.!" (Sidebar: Let’s see…The Urinator has about 20 fans, including his 19 people in his family. Fanistons are in denial that the ho isn’t as big a slagging famewhore as Paris Hilton – so they ought to be good for about 3 million copies because they’ll buy it just to get it off the bookstore shelf so people like me can’t sit in B&N on a Friday night with my Starbuck’s Double Chocolate Mocha Latte and have a good laugh. So yeah…I guess $10MIL isn’t that farfetched after all.)


1. Miami Nice: May 10, 2008 - picture of X in a bikini (quelle shock) with The Urinator in a pool. (Sidebar of my own: You knew they couldn’t do an article on X without showing her in a bikini. It’s in Huvane’s contract with them!)

While sources say the couple met at an Oscar party in 2008, they didn't go public with their affair until a steamy getaway at the Mandarin Oriental hotel in Miami Beach. (Sidebar of my own: I’m sure this was just one of those freakish coinkydinks that seems to happen all the time with X and the J-Ps, but…Angie was doing a press call in Cannes the same day and earlier in the day Jack Black had spilled beans about the twins news. Damn that Angie for having legitmate work announcement the same day X decided to go public with her new love! Why they couldn’t re-schedule Cannes is beyond me! You know Angie planned that, don’t you? Terd said so. It’s also Angie’s fault that France is 6 hours ahead of the East Coast and the news of the twins had already made it’s way this side of the pond BEFORE X and The Urinator let the world share in their newfound love. Damn that Angie! She’s a wiley one!)

2. Party Time: June 1, 2008 - picture of Frick & Frack in X's Range Rover.

Jen took John to BFF Courteney Cox's Malibu beach house for an afternoon barbecue and bonding session. (Sidebar of my own: Ever seen the pix of this? Court looks like she smelled something rotten…insert your own Urinator sex joke here…)

3. Charity Couple: June 12, 2008 - Frick and Frack sitting at a table with Frack looking smug.

The pair happily snuggled at the OmniPeace Dinner hosted by Kitson at STK restaurant in West Hollywood. (Sidebar of my own: This is the event X had the photo op with Jeffrey Sachs. Hence the smugness. So what if she had to chase the man down and tackle him like she was channeling James Harrison…she got her pic! That’s all that matters! (Before you ask...Harrison is a linebaker with the Pittsburg Steelers and was the 2009 NFL Defensive Player of the Year.))

4. Bad Boy: Aug. 7, 2008 - Frick in a hot tub in Los Cabos with the wife of one of his band members.

After he and Jen split up the first time, John played in the hot tub with another lady in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico - Jen's fave vacation spot. (Sidebar of my own: Believe it or not…I’m gonna take up for The Urinator here…the woman in the picture was revealed to be the wife of one of his band members. He’d taken his band to Cabo during a break in the tour. Having said that…The Urinator being The Urinator…he was spotted with some blond PYT skank later that same day…and she wasn’t “with the band”.)

5. Reunited (Cue Peaches & Herb): Oct. 14, 2008 - Frick & Frack exiting some restaurant. Frick is eying Frack's butt like he can't believe this is the butt Lamey's always saying is so great.

After a two-month split, the duo celebrated John's 31st birthday with a romantic dinner at The Tower Bar in West Hollywood. (Sidebar of my own: TWO MONTHS. 60 DAYS. Pay attention Peeps…that is NOT a “brief split”. Ain’t it sad when the Star makes more sense than the Peeps?)

6. Dinner Date: Dec. 18, 2008 - Frick and Frack grinning excessively like they've pulled a fast one on everyone.

With John based most of the time in NYC, Jen got to know many of his favorite local haunts, like La Esquina restaurant. (Sidebar of my own: Oh yeah...natch...The Urinator showed X NYC...cuz it's not like she fucking grew up there and lived there until she was 19 or 20!)

7. Bahama Mama (Pffft!): Feb. 15, 2009 - Infamous picture of X trying to glom her razor thin lips onto The Urinator's tongue. You may not have needed that visual, but I had to look at the damned picture!

The couple - seen here smooching at the airport - spent an idyllic Valentine Day together on Eleuthera island in the Bahamas. (Sidebar of my own: "Idyllic"? Hardly. It was a busman's holiday. They were working out their game plan for Oscar night!)


Jennifer Aniston is no stranger to heartbreak. Besides her infamous divorce from Brad Pitt in 2005, she's loved and lost a host of famous men, including Red Hot Chili Pepper front man Anthony Kiedis (explains the coke habit – somebody check between her toes for needle marks!) , Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz (explains his descent into madness) and Weekend at Bernie's star Jonathan Silverman (I’d make a joke, except I haven’t the slightest idea who he is…which is probably the joke…). But unlike Jen, most of her exes have moved on.

1. VV with his new fiancée (Sidebar of my own: BTW, VV’s new fiance is a dead ringer for Angie-wannabe Megan Fox! BBBBWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

After co-starring 2006's The Break Up, life imitated art and Jen and Vince Vaughn split. Now Vince, 39, is engaged to 29-year-old Canadian real estate agent Kyla Weber. (Sidebar of my own: PT's Romance For Celebs - Lesson #1 - Rebound movie-promotional romance never work out...are you paying attention Reese & Jake?)

2. PMBP with Cam Diaz

British model Paul Sculfor, 38, captured Jen's heart for a few short months in 2007. But don't cry for hunky Paul! He's been hot 'n' heavy with Cameron Diaz, 36, since last June! (Sidebar of my own: PT's Romance For Celebs - Lesson #2 - Fake product endorsement promotional romances timed to coincide with the release of new movies by your ex-husband and his new Mrs. NEVER last. Once again...are you listening Reese? Call Avon and tell 'em you're too famous to endorse shit sold out of catalogs!)

3. Tate Donovan with his now ex-wife

Damages star Tate Donovan was Jen's main man from 1995 to 1998. In 2004, he married actress Corrine Kingsbury, but the couple divorced last year. (Sidebar of my own: PT's Romance For Celebs - Lesson #3 - The person you replaced in your bed without telling will usually end up looking pretty damned good after you've been dumped by his replacee – especially when it happens in front of the entire world (even if it was for Angelina Jolie.) You'll find yourself saying, "I should have tried harder with __________." Never fails.)

4. Brad and Angie at the CCA's looking like they're headed for a quickie in the ladies room...

Jen was cut to the core when her husband, Brad Pitt, 45, hooked up with his Mr. & Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie, 33, shortly after he and Jen split. (Sidebar of my own: PT's Romance For Celebs - Lesson #4 - If your man dumps you for Angelina Jolie? Be proud. Don't whine. Don't throw 4-year-long pity parties, admit to screaming at the ocean and crying in your dog's fur, or be the cover girl of a national magazine and come off looking like a pathetic tool who makes readers say, "Fuck...whiny ass bitch. No wonder he left!". Instead, hold your head high and say, "Yeah, that’s right, bitches! Brad Pitt dumped me...but fuck, I'd dump his ass for Angelina Jolie my damned self! It's not like he left me for Paris Hilton!" Word.)

1 comment:

Cinnabana said...

You rock. Awesome...