Tuesday, March 3, 2009

TABLOID REPORT


PART 3 - Lies & Shit, OuttaTouch and Star – MARCH 9, 2009


This last section of the report will cover the Bauer rags and my good buddies at Star mag, who outdid themselves with TWO J-P related stories this week. Because Brad and Angie failed to deliver any fireworks at the Oscars the scuzzballs at the Star decided to pick on Shiloh. From time to time I have to remind myself that adults with college degrees are running these magazines and not 16 year-old rejects from the “Mean Girls” casting call. These stories just reek of adolescent angst – “Cindy likes Bobby, but Bobby likes Cindy’s best friend Lisa, but Lisa likes Bobby’s older brother Joe and is only dating Bobby so she can go to his house and accidentally run into Joe…who she caught in a weak moment and blew him in his room while Bobby waited for her downstairs in the kitchen and she was stupid enough to tell Cindy’s cousin Tina and Tina told Cindy and Cindy told Bobby and Bobby got drunk and slept with Cindy and now Cindy’s pregnant and has to drop out of high school…” Actually…that’s a better story than this crap, but you get the picture…


Lies & Shit



I didn’t really bother to right down the title to this story. Just use your imagination and make sure you include the words Jen, Brangelina, Oscars and “showdown” or “run-in”.


· This was only a 2 page story with big pix of Brad & Angie and X so L&S went for drama from the jump with “a witness” who said when X came out on stage, “Everyone was craning their necks to see how Brad and Angie watched Jen.. When Jen got up there, it was the moment everyone had been waiting for.” (Sidebar: Dollars to donuts X is still stunned nobody threw rotten tomatoes at her and start screaming, “That dog movie sucked!”)


· Los Mentirosos de Caca (Sidebar: 4 years of high school Spanish, 2 years in college…and I had to look the word up! Obviously the money I spent on tuition was wasted.) says that although X looked “uncomfortable” she was able to read the list of nominees without having a nervous breakdown, “Jen looked very nervous backstage beforehand. She was fidgeting a lot.” (Sidebar: The Fidgets…yet another sign of coke use…)


· The paid witness goes on to say X “bit the bullet..” (Sidebar: She must have brought the one from the New Yorker cartoon with her.) …and faced Brad for the first time since 2005. They also not that this was as close as she got to Brad all evening. (Sidebar: Mostly due to the AK-47 toting armored bodyguards Brad had surrounding him and Angie all night.)


· Since X couldn’t get to Brad because of the guards, she decided to annoy him by sitting in the audience to jinx his chances of winning. Okay, L&S didn’t say that, it’s just my theory. L&S’s paid witness says, “A lot of thought must have gone into seating Jen and John. The producers wanted them on camera, but they couldn’t be too close to Brad and Angelina, who had to be front and center. So they put Jen to the left (roughly 13 seats away) and second row back, behind Sean Pen, which was a pretty good camera seat.” (Sidebar: Yeah, we know…X got the seats that should have gone to someone actually nominated for an award, not to some desperate cast-off ex-wife determined to ruin “date night” for Brad and Angie. Vindictive little slag that she is.)


· Moving on to Brad & Angie’s reactions to X’s presence, Los Mentirosos De Caca says they seemed to find X’s “schtick” with Jack Black amusing, but X was “clearly wasn’t ready to run over and hug them afterward.” (Sidebar: Yeah, big burly men with loaded fire arms and instructions to use them tends to stop a bitch in her tracks.)


· Next Los Mentirosos De Caca pull out their paid shrinxpert because no tabloid story is complete without hearing from a multi-degreed mental health professional who’s giving an opinion on a person they’ve never met, let alone spoken with and whom they have no medical history on. This particular genius had these words of wisdom to share, “Hopefully Jen realized what Brad did is more about him than her. Seeing Angelina could have banished any lingering doubts about herself. Now Jen can see that she’s not any less than Angelina. She’s just different.” (Sidebar: See, genius, I tell ya. GENIUS! Only someone with 10 years of college education, 6 years of which was spent concentrating solely on mastering their chosen vocation could, honing their skills of keen observation could come up with a “Jen shouldn’t feel bad because Brad dumped her for the hottest woman in the universe. We can’t all be the sexiest, most beautiful, charismatic lightning rod of this generation. Some of us have to make do with what we have.” Total brilliance. I bow to Dr. What’s-her-face…)


· Undaunted by Dr. What’s-her-face’s assessment of the sitch, “a radiant Jen” enjoyed the rest of her evening crashing the Oscars, “She seemed much more relaxed. John doted on her, rubbing her back and whispering in her ear. He was watching out for her.” (Sidebar: Puh-leeze. More like he was watching out for his CBS variety show contract and his contractual obligations to Kevin Huvane as X’s paid escort.)


· After ruining the Oscars for a few hundred peeps, Los Mentirosos De Caca say X and The Urinator decided to thrill the little people and go stink up a local bowling alley with their special brand of Limberger. Since X was unable to get anywhere near Angie the night before The Urinator encouraged X to pretend the pins were Angie’s head. X then proceeded to bowl a 0 because every time she threw a ball down the lane it refused to come back to her.


Okay…you got me…bad joke…moving on…


OuttaTouch


Yet another story I couldn’t be bothered to write down the title for. Since it’s the sister publication to Lies & Shit…just apply the same rules to its title…


· Like Lies & Shit the folks at OuttaTouch jump right into the drama. According to them X didn’t do the RC because she was crying in the garage – presumably at the theater and not her house. Their paid insider says, “She had been crying in the car on the way to the Oscars. She was very nervous and had to redo her makeup in the garage.” (Sidebar: Well that explains why it looked like it was laid on with a spackling trowel.)


· The nerves were understandable (Sidebar: That’s debatable.) because in less than an hour X would be facing the sitch she’d been avoiding for 4 years – “standing face to face with her ex-husband and his lover.” (Sidebar: WTF? US Lies Weakly said “the other woman,” now OuttaTouch is saying “his lover”. Do these people not know this is 2009 and not 1809? It’s “BABY MAMA!”)


· OuttaTouch claims that X agreed to present “with her old friend Jack Black” (Sidebar: Uh…since when has X been friends with Jack Black? “Anyone?... Anyone?... Bueller?”) but the sitch was much harder than she “imagined” it would be. (Sidebar: Yeah, cuz the previous 9,782,431 times she “imagined” it there weren’t 2 billion people watching, Angie was lying in a pool of blood with an axe handle sticking out of her back and Brad was chained to her shower rod…slack-jawed as he stared at the thousands of pictures of himself that she’d papered the bathroom walls with.)


· Still, OuttaTouch says X was confident, but she was aware “the whole world was watching her reaction to seeing Brad and Angie.” (Sidebar: Yeah, we watched as she stuttered and flubbed and fumbled her way into making an ass of herself. Some of us laughed…some of them pretended she did a stellar job and will be nominated for an Emmy for her “work”.) However, a paid insider says, “She hasn’t seen Brad with Angie, ever.” (Sidebar: Unless you all the time she spends look at pix and trolling at Jared’s…)


· The paid insider also says that before X went on stage Jack Black tried to calm her down (Sidebar: Insert your own coke joke here.), “She was taking deep breaths backstage and trying to chill out.” (Sidebar: The easiest way to “chill out” would have been to keep her famewhoring ass at home!)


· OuttaTouch now takes a major risk – alienating the Fanistons by not kissing X’s much-yoga’d ass. They say X was, “…fine until she locked eyes with the man who broke her heart.” (Sidebar: Speaking of spackling shit on with a trowel… Brad could have taken X’s heart out of her chest and used it as a loofah and done less damage than he did when he dumped her. Damage her standing on the A-list? Yeah, THAT hurt. Her heart? Maybe it was in San Francisco when he left..)



· The paid pal goes on to say, “She said she could feel her face turning red. She tried to stay calm but it was hard.” (Sidebar: Her face was red? She doesn’t need to worry that anyone noticed. We were all too busy staring at the Miley-met-Selena-at-the-mall-and-they- got-their-hair -done-at-Cost-Cutters braid thing she had going on. How much does she pay that McMillan character anyway? Cuz he owes her ass a refund. She needs to hire Nick Arrojo. Nick’ll set her ass straight in a heartbeat, “I’ll tell ya, Jen. Your hair…it doesn’t nothing for you! It doesn’t enhance you. It’s just lank…hanging on either side of your face like a tatty lace curtain! It needs cut. It needs style. And it needs volume! A woman your age just should NOT be wearing braids! It’s time to grow your look up!)



· This next part I lifted straight from the story…cuz…it gave me gas and y’all know how I like to share, “Full of conflicted emotions, Jen’s eyes teared up slightly and she flubbed one of her first lines.” (Sidebar: Sad, ain’t it? I even felt a tear come to my eye…then I realized that was actually my dust allergy. The Allegra had worn off and it was time for my next dose.) Leaning upon the paid pal once again, “She tried to be cool and smile and be funny with Jack, but it was hard.” (Sidebar: I think they mean cool as in calm and not “Cooooooooooool” as in Fonzie. At least I hope it’s the former because the latter is patently ridiculous.)


· Just so you know...OuttaTouch assures us that X’s rep, renowned world class liar Stephen Huvane, denies there was any drama and says, “She had a great time.” (Sidebar: I’m sure she did. Why wouldn’t she? She achieved her goal – using the ceremony for the highest award honor of her profession to remind people that SHE was dumped FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO! She was as happy as a cokehead in a Colombian coca field.)


· Despite my cynicism OuttaTouch assures us that X was merely trying to show Brad that she’s moved on, “Instead of avoiding her ex’s gaze, Jen steeled her nerves – and beamed at him.” (Sidebar: False courage attributable to a rolled up hundred dollar bill and a two inch line of happy dust.)


· But…not according to OuttaTouch’s paid source, “She wanted him to know she wasn’t there to start a fight and her intensions were well-meaning.” (Sidebar: Yeah, “well-meaning” in the same way as the Swiss bankers who agreed to “safeguard” Jewish families’ assets during World War II.)


· Get out the hankies because OuttaTouch wants you to know that seeing Brad and Angie stirred up “a lot of hurt and upset” that X thought she’d put behind her. (Sidebar: I think this deserves the first “Bitch, please” of this section of the report. This is a woman who spent the previous 4 years bringing up her dumping at every opportunity afforded her. The postman rang her bell and said, “Ms. Aniston, I have a package that wouldn’t fit in your mailbox.” and X kept the poor guy standing there for 2 hours as she boo-hoo-hooed and cried because the mailman at her old house used to address her as “Mrs. Pitt”. G. M. A. F. B.!)


· Still got you hankies out? Cuz the paid pal wants you to commiserate with X some more, “Jen would have a family by now and babies if it wasn’t for Angie.” (Sidebar: No, “Jen” would have a family and babies by now if she had ever really wanted one. She’d have babies by now had Brad not been wearing a tire inner tube as a condom. She’d have babies by now if her uterus weren’t sealed tighter than the jars of the beets my mama used to pickle when I was a kid. She’d have babies now if she weren’t obsessed with her career and pretentions of Oscar glory. She’d have babies now if God REALLY wanted to put one more neurotic, fucked up famewhore on the planet. The end.)


· Not wanting to let Angie completely off the hook, OuttaTouch now switches gears to blame her for something completely vapid – They say she was upset because Brad wouldn’t hold hands while X was on stage. Yet another paid source claims, “Angie likes to hold hands at these things. But Brad didn’t want to, out of respect for Jen. Angie was annoyed, and it was hard to hide her feelings.” (Sidebar: Love, love, love when the rags contradict each other. US Lies Weakly said Brad and Angie where holding hands as they left the venue…you could clearly see them holding hands on the RC…and if pix had been allowed in the Kodak lobby or Green Room, there’d be pix of them holding hands in those places, too. IT’S WHAT THEY DO.)


· OuttaTouch, like the other rags, claims to know exactly where X and The Urinator were sitting – “12 seats to Brad’s right, in the second row.” A paid witness says, “Jen really cares about John, but it’s not the same kind of love that she had with Brad.” (Sidebar: For her sake she should hope it isn’t the same kind of love…CUZ HER ASS GOT DUMPED! Duh. Also, this is the 4 mag that had X’s set locations…and so far it’s 3 different places that X was sitting. Peeps had them 12 seats to Brad’s right…which, why are they using Brad as the measure stick when Angie was seated immediately to his right? Anyliar – L&S said they were 13 seats to Brad’s right. US said they were “15 chairs away). Now OuttaTouch says they were 12 seats to the right. That’s some fucked up reporting when people can’t even agree on the seats someone was sitting in.)


· Now it’s OuttaTouch’s turn to bring in their paid shrinxpert. They say the “meeting” (Pffft!) should have a strong effect on X and then the shrink chimes in, “It’s very disconcerting to see your man with another woman. You can’t just get over it by having a boyfriend on your arm. You have to totally cleanse yourself of that person.” (Sidebar: “Your man”? Double bitch, please! Brad hasn’t been X’s anything in 4+ years! How the fuck long does this bitch get a free pass? She’s shuttled at least 8 men in-and-out (pun not intended) of her bed in the last 4 years, God knows how many women…yet she’s still allowed to cling to Brad. Why is it every other woman on the planet gets a divorce and it’s her ex-man? But poor Brad has to be X’s “man” into eternity? How long do he and Angie have to be together – how many kids do they have to have before he becomes Angie’s “man”? Does it really take a wedding ring for Brad to be Angie’s man or will he forever be shackled to this dumb cunt? GGGGGRRRRR!!! If this is an example of what X’s shrink is telling her…then she needs a new shrink. Plain and simple – bitch needs to let it go and get over her damned self.)


Sidebars & other miscellaneous crap –


Sidebar: Jen was eager to show the world she’s moved on (Sidebar of my own: Bu-bu-bu-but I thought Brad was her “man”?)


· There was some dumb picture of X and The Urinator, but luckily I’ve wiped the memory from my mind. The caption was that X didn’t let The Urinator out of her site at the VF party, with a paid source claiming, “She even walked him to the men’s room and waited right outside the door.” (Sidebar of my own: Yeah, because she knew that was the only exit and he’d have to come back out the way he went in! Otherwise she’d have sent one of her minions to the alley to watch the windows to make sure he didn’t escape by climbing out of one.) OuttaTouch also says that X think that if the world accepts that she’s with The Urinator, then the “poor, lonely Jen” headlines will stop and she can go on with her career. (Sidebar of my own: 4-0. What career? Julia Roberts, though I can’t stand her, the most bankable female star of the ‘90s, just had her Plan B project dumped into turnaround by Paramount and had to go begging around to the other studios to see if someone would buy the rights for her to star in. If Julia Roberts, at 41, has to be studios to make movies…then WTF does X think she’s going to achieve?)


Photo Caption – Picture of X and her 12-year-old girl’s dream hairstyle: OuttaTouch claims X was wearing hair in this ridiculous manner because it was Brad’s favorite style when they were together. I fucking kid you not. I don’t even have anything to say to this claim…other than…BBBBBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Geez…talk about pulling something out of your ass…


Sidebar: Why was Angie in such a bad mood?


· According to these lackwits Angie weally, weally, WEALLY wanted to win the Oscar. Their paid source says, “She’s used to getting what she wants and she badly wanted a double win for her and Brad.” (Sidebar: This may be the stupidest thing in the entire retarded article. They’d been to 4 other award shows and walked away empty-handed...but…Angie thought they’d win the Oscars? I think we all know, Angie is NOT stupid. They knew there was a snowball’s chance in X’s tanning bed that EITHER of them would win, let alone both. Or maybe nobody at OuttaTouch say the Peeps video where Brad was joking that he was there to win and was leaving with one even if he had to steal it…and Angie laughed her head off at how silly he was being. Do these fuckers ALWAYS have to insult our intelligence? Rhetorical question…)


· This idiot source goes on to say that Angie was also mad that she was having to “share the spotlight” with X, “She was tempted not to go, but Brad told her she had to go and laugh at Jen’s jokes, too. So she did, but she was fuming.” (Sidebar of my own: A woman who goes into war-torn territories and camps out with aid workers for days at a time, flies planes, bought a house in the middle of a Cambodian minefield that hadn’t been de-mined, has done her own stunts in 4 action movies, got involved with a man who was ending his marriage to “America’s Sweetheart”, had 6 children with him with the entire world watching for every little misstep, had tabloids around the world up her ass 24/7/365…BUT…would skip an award show honoring her work AND her spouses work…all because his vindictive, needy, petulant, famewhoring ex-wife had horned her way into an invite? If I didn’t think Angie would get the biggest laugh out of this, I’d be offended on her behalf. Instead, in the inimitable words for the Whiny One, I’ll merely, “Consider the source.”)


I had intended to have the Star stories as well, but that got put on hold when my sister called with a computer problem…The new tabs come out tomorrow, so I may not even bother with the Star’s fuckery…telling tales on toddlers…that’s a sad ass day in journalism…

1 comment:

Susi said...

I love reading this. Please don't stop doing this EVER! It's soo ridiculous to see what those stupid tabs are writing. It's so much more fun reading it with your hilarious (but TRUE) side notes. THANK YOU!

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