This week there was a veritable cornucopia of bad tabloid stories, but I'm too irked by this stupid Blogger software to type up all of them, so I'm just going to talk about the Star & US mags in depth and do a quick rundown of the other mags. There were bad J-P stories in every rag this week in addition to the hilarious X/Urinator stories. This week I discovered one thing - which mags can be bought for the cheapest amount of money. As one would suspect that honor goes to the Bauer rags.
First of all, let's talk about X's PR Machine. Those hoes are working overtime on this second Urinator dumping. Both OuttaTouch and Lies & Shite have stories this week about The Urinator's Love Boat cruise and his babblings in his new song, "Heartbreak/ache Warfare" or whatever it's called. They both basically called him a douche bag for throw X under a bus on his cruise. X, of course, can do no wrong and is a strong-minded woman who's soldiering on in the wake of yet another unfortunate ending to a romantic relationship. Somebody call Itzhak Perlman and book a private show for X. It's the same old, same old with X and Huvane - leak positive info about X, negative info about the person who dumped her. No need for Metamucil with X around.
OuttaTouch's J-P related story was about Angie being jealous because Brad is planning to work with Natalie Portman at some point in the not too distant future. Congrats to Assley...too bad you didn't get a byline on either of the Bauer rag stories. If I were you, which thank the good Lord, I'm NOT...I'd ask for a raise.
OuttaTouch says that Angie's afraid Brad's going to fall for Natalie because she's younger than Angie and just as beautiful. I've yet to see stories of anyone asking their plastic surgeon to make them look like Natalie Portman, so take that with a grain of salt. They then said that Natalie has a lot of similarities to Angie -
1. Both are versatile actresses and have done action/adventure flix. We all know how strenuous and adventurous it is to parade around in Kabuki makeup, platform flip flops and a kimono can be. I wouldn't exactly call Portman's work in the Star Wars flix an "action" role. Oops...better head this off at the pass - V for Vendetta...don't make me laugh. Pick your poison - Mrs. Smith, Lara Croft or Fox. Poor little Evey would be on her knees begging for mercy. Point one goes to Angie.
2. Both women are humanitarian-minded. Apparently Portman has participated in the Clinton Global Initiative on an AIDS awareness project; and of course Angie's work is well known. Not to slight Portman's efforts...but...Natalie doesn't have the phone numbers of the movers and shakers...Angie does. Point two goes to Angie.
3. Both women have won acting awards. Portman won a GG for Closer...and of course Angie laps Portman in this category as well. If Brad was only interested in Angie's awards he'd be sleeping with her SAGs, GGs and Oscar (if she could find it) and not her. It's a little hard to get Oscar to pop out twins though. That would REALLY be the story! Game, set and match to The Jolie.
OuttaTouch then offers up this little gem from a "relationship expert" as proof that Angie is right to be worried - Dr. Judy Kuriansky says, "History repeats itself. She can ask for his reassurance, but there is nothing else she can do. It's out of her control." If this were X were we talking about I'd concede the point to the good doctor. BUT...Toto ain't in Kansas anymore. Savvy? We're talking about Angelina Jolie - a woman who could turn gay men straight and straight women gay. I think she could figure out a little sumpin' sumpin' to keep Brad Pitt from straying...IF she were so inclined. Chances are - if he's looking to stray it's because she's done with him. Call Billy Bob if you need verification of my theory.
OuttaTouch's J-P related story was about Angie being jealous because Brad is planning to work with Natalie Portman at some point in the not too distant future. Congrats to Assley...too bad you didn't get a byline on either of the Bauer rag stories. If I were you, which thank the good Lord, I'm NOT...I'd ask for a raise.
OuttaTouch says that Angie's afraid Brad's going to fall for Natalie because she's younger than Angie and just as beautiful. I've yet to see stories of anyone asking their plastic surgeon to make them look like Natalie Portman, so take that with a grain of salt. They then said that Natalie has a lot of similarities to Angie -
1. Both are versatile actresses and have done action/adventure flix. We all know how strenuous and adventurous it is to parade around in Kabuki makeup, platform flip flops and a kimono can be. I wouldn't exactly call Portman's work in the Star Wars flix an "action" role. Oops...better head this off at the pass - V for Vendetta...don't make me laugh. Pick your poison - Mrs. Smith, Lara Croft or Fox. Poor little Evey would be on her knees begging for mercy. Point one goes to Angie.
2. Both women are humanitarian-minded. Apparently Portman has participated in the Clinton Global Initiative on an AIDS awareness project; and of course Angie's work is well known. Not to slight Portman's efforts...but...Natalie doesn't have the phone numbers of the movers and shakers...Angie does. Point two goes to Angie.
3. Both women have won acting awards. Portman won a GG for Closer...and of course Angie laps Portman in this category as well. If Brad was only interested in Angie's awards he'd be sleeping with her SAGs, GGs and Oscar (if she could find it) and not her. It's a little hard to get Oscar to pop out twins though. That would REALLY be the story! Game, set and match to The Jolie.
OuttaTouch then offers up this little gem from a "relationship expert" as proof that Angie is right to be worried - Dr. Judy Kuriansky says, "History repeats itself. She can ask for his reassurance, but there is nothing else she can do. It's out of her control." If this were X were we talking about I'd concede the point to the good doctor. BUT...Toto ain't in Kansas anymore. Savvy? We're talking about Angelina Jolie - a woman who could turn gay men straight and straight women gay. I think she could figure out a little sumpin' sumpin' to keep Brad Pitt from straying...IF she were so inclined. Chances are - if he's looking to stray it's because she's done with him. Call Billy Bob if you need verification of my theory.
Like their sister publication L&S ponied up some buck for Itzhak's fee this week. Based on their version of the Love Boat Cruise From Hell I'd have to say The Urinator is bipolar. They alternately had the guy roping off parts of the boat for privacy, had fans claiming he was "more subdued than last year" and having to "lift his spirits" because he was so torn up over dumping X. They gilded the lily with this Hallmark moment, "John really believes he may have walked away from the greatest love of his life." And no, they weren't talking about how he felt as he walked away from the mirror. They were, of course, referring to X - the woman he's twice humiliated with impromptu impassioned speeches about how hard love is. Boo fucking hoo.
After painting this sad little picture of The Urinator pining away from X L&S undermines the whole story with a sidebar on The Urinator "Partying To Get Over Jen". Now, I'm not saying I'm "Dear Abby"...but...it's been my experience that lovelorn people DO NOT engage in the following activities when mourning the love of their life slipping from their grasp -
1. Drinking heavily...in the company of 3,000 of your closet buds.
2. Playing "dress-up"...particularly in white crotch-cutting Gopher shorts.
3. Hit on members of the opposite sex. Okay...I concede that sleeping with someone else is a frequent reaction to getting dumped. BUT...MULTIPLE someones...at the same time? Unless you're Jenna Jameson...this is prolly not your first thought upon loosing "the greatest love" of your life. Lies & Shit's source reports seeing The Urinator leave the bar area on March 29 with "a handful of women in tow". If I were X...I'd stop wondering why he changed his phone number and none of his friends will give you the new one. I'm pretty sure that Bambi, Tiffany, Heather and Amber qualify as "closure".
Moving on to this week's Angie saga - According to Lies & Shit Angie's dieting "too much". I have no idea what this means nor did they explain it very well. They used a series of early set pix to demonstrate their case.
1. "Her face looks gaunt". They chose the pix from the St. Bart's shoot to illustrate this one...you know...the ones where her character is at A FUNERAL! Hellooooooooo!
2. "Her on-set wardrobe looks baggy". This implies that her off-set wardrobe looked fine, ergo, they must WANT her on-set wardrobe to "look too baggy". The character is on the run. She obviously is buying off the rack, so 'scuse the fuck out of her for not getting the shit tailored!
3. "Her sexy curves are gone". For this they use one of the pix from the DC shoot where she's wearing the boxy gray suit. Then below that they had picture of her at the NYFF Changeling premiere to illustrate her "post baby body". Angie was probably a size 6 then. Angie was probably never more than a size 4 in her entire non-pregnant, non-Lara-Croft-buffed lifetime.
L&S then goes into details about Angie's eating habits on set. They claim she doesn't eat more than a handful of "snack" foods at a time. That she once had her assistant go to the lunch cart and get her a single pretzel - which the assistant took back to her on a plate. Now...they did not say if they were talking Rold Gold pretzel or NYC street vender pretzel - two entirely different things. The former is about 2"x2" and hard a rock and just as tasty...the latter about 6"x6" and 1/2" thick, soft, chewy, salty goodness.
They also claim that Brad and Angie are fighting over her "extreme dieting" the same as they did when she made wanted. Just go right ahead and pretend like you didn't notice how they glossed over the fact that Angie was grieving over her mother's death and has long since explained this as the reason for the weight loss and not some crazy dieting.
L&S also claim that a "friend" says this dieting while filming goes back to her LCTR:COL days, "Angie calls it 'movie dieting'. She likes the way she looks on-screen when she's slim and angular." Once again - pretend like you don't know that Angie had to GAIN WEIGHT to do the LC movies. Since when has Lara Croft been "slim and angular"? Girlfriend was stacked!
"Lara Croft" bikini - http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/06_02/CroftBikiniL_468x668.jpg
Last, but not least, L&S claims that Angie is using protein shake products made by a company called Nutrition53. The owner, Bill Romanowski, claims that based on the orders, "she goes through about two containers a week. She likes the chocolate and vanilla flavors." First of all, if Angie was using this guy's products...she ain't anymore now that he's blabbed about it to some two-bit, piece of shit tabloid. Secondly, I can place an order and call myself "Angelina Jolie"...but it don't mean I'm THE Angelina Jolie. And last, uh...GMFAB...like Angie's going to be ordering this shit in her own name...especially when she knows everything she says and does is being watched closer than Fort Knox.
Just a quick word about the NE's story - They claim the relationship is over, Brad's not happy with Angie being an MIA mother and can't handly all 6 kids by himself...yet he's going to sue her for custody of all 6 kids...and then claim the two have a $200MIL prenup and it's going to be hard to sort out who gets what because their money is entertwined in co-ownership of at least 8 houses, 2 planes, yada, yada, yada. IIRC they did this exact same story at least once last year and twice in 2007. And I do mean "EXACT". The only thing they did was change the number of kids and the number of houses. The last time I checked Brad and Angie only own 1 house together - NO. Brad owns the Los Feliz, Santa Barbara and Malibu houses. He told RDJ at the Newsweek roundtable that "they" were selling the Malibu house. They don't the chateau in France. They didn't buy an apartment in Berlin, although supposedly Brad has one there that he's own for donkey years. Angie has her little shack in Cambodia and possibly still owns her UK home. Couldn't the NE at least TRY to get close to a factual number of homes? It's hard to get the number of kids wrong because everybody feels the need to list names in every article. But come on...how hard is it to pay attention to whether or not they bought a house?
OK has yet another story on yet another fake Brad/Angie wedding. I couldn't even be bothered to take notes on this crap. Honestly - after their fake South African wedding story fiasco when they had Okra as Angie’s maid-of-honor and JV giving Angie away… you'd think notOK would call it a day trying to marry these two off. Once again they claim the wedding is due to an ultimatum from Brad to marry him or he would be withholding the little squigglies and putting the kibosh on more bio babies nor would he support her efforts to adopt. First of all...adoption ain't up to him. Just thought I'd point that important little fact out. Sure, he could put a crinkle in the social services visit...but doing so would give him the seat on the Exes Bench next to BBT, Shitzu and JLM. Then there's the matter of holding back the squigglies...I think we all know it wouldn't take much for Angie to change his mind on that score. We're not talking about the days when he wore 9 condoms to ensure none of the little swimmers got near X's fallopian tubes - regardless of whether or not he could actually FEEL anything. These days Little Brad wants feel EVERYTHING...oh yeah...the squigglies wouldn't stand a chance...
I digress...forget the marriage story. That's a non-starter. The real notOK story that needs to be ridiculed is called "Jen's Brave Friend". When I say the X Publicity Machine was working overtime trying to quell The Urinator stories...I wasn't joking. This story has got to be, bar none, the most reprehensible and disgusting attempt by Huvane to divert attention from an X dumping and pimp her as The Good Girl to the MVM that I've ever seen.
So what's this story about? Ostensibly it's about a 6 year-old cancer victim. The girl isn't famous...BUT..remember that St. Judes commercial that aired back in December? There's a little girl with cancer and X and the kid tell a story about how the mother used to pray every night for remission. notOK describes the commercial as - "'Every night Ellie's mom would whisper in her sleeping daughter's ear,' Jen begins in the spot, then Ellie finishes the thought, "She said, 'Go away, tumor, go away.'" At the end Aniston gives Ellie a tender hug. It was no performance. 'Jennifer was a sweetheart,' Colleen says. 'At one point she started to cry.'"
notOK also says, "Though Ellie's spot with Jennifer Aniston ran in December, they filmed it in July." Now....Call my ass a cynic...but...why is notOK doing a story on this little girl now? And why all the fawning over X's 20 second commercial that aired almost 4 months ago? Can we say "Huvane bought positive coverage to combat X's latest failed romance?" It's so fucking obvious. I guess Peeps turned them down and he had to go blow someone at Peeps-wannabe notOK.
Hope you haven't tossed your cookies yet...cuz there's more...
Not content with having ripped Angie's "Santa Angelina" crown off her head, notOK continues with comments from the little girl's mother, "'It was probably more exciting for me and Steve,' Colleen says. 'Ellie didn't know who Jennifer was. Now, every time she sees her, she says, “There’s my girlfriend." We went and saw Marley & Me (I almost typed "The Dog Flick!") and now Ellie's all about Jen and how her hair is looking and all that stuff.'"
"How her hair is looking?" ROTFLMAO!!! OMFG. How pathetic do you have to be to need a cancer-ridden 6 year-old to pimp your hair in a tabloid to prove your popularity and what a great person you are? What's next - get the tykes on "Toddlers & Tiaras" to help her pick out her next Cabo bikini? Or maybe get the Duggar kids to do a PA with her on the importance of "a good personal hydration plan" - sponsored by Dumbwater, of course. Just when I think this bitch can't sink any lower...
JOHN'S FINAL INSULT (Dear God...I sure hope not...)
Mayer debuts a song about a needy ex and admits to making out with an nemesis of Jennifer Aniston
By Kevin O'Leary
Imagine an ex calling you unlovable. Now set it to a catchy tune and you have Jennifer Aniston's worst nightmare. (Sidebar: Not true. X's worst nightmare is that Brad takes off the kid gloves and blows her battleship out of the water.) On March 28, in front of 3,000 fans aboard the Mayer craft Carrier 2 (a five-day cruise from L.A. to Mexico and back), John Mayer debuted "Heartbreak Warfare," a ballad about a needy lover that he finished shortly after his split from Aniston. "It's miserable being around someone who's negative," announced Mayer, 31, before singing such lyrics as: "If you want more love, why don't you say so?" (Sidebar: X "negative"? Nah. I find that hard to believe. I thought she used yoga to expand her mind and enlighten her self-knowledge or some such shit.)
Ouch. For Aniston, this public slap in the face, after their yearlong o-and-off relationship, is the final indignity her friends long worried might come from a publicity-obsessed Mayer. (Sidebar: Please, please, please...don't let this be the "final indignity"! I'm thinking when the album comes out next year...THAT might be the final final indignity.) Indeed, the breakup has been "really humiliating" for the actress, a pal tells US, recalling how Mayer gratuitously informed paparazzi video cameras last August that he dumped Aniston. (Sidebar: Speaking of which...I don't know why he couldn't have done that again. That shit was "Must See TV"!)
HURT FEELINGS
So is Mayer really as pained as he sounds in the song? One source told US, "He's just as unhappy as she is that they broke up," (Sidebar: Yeah...I'm sure The Urinator was mourning the loss of his publicity gold mine.) but is careful to add that, "Heartbreak Warfare" isn't necessarily just about Aniston: "He gets his inspiration from many sources." (Sidebar: In other words, "Jen isn't the only woman he's dumped...just the latest.)
Mayer himself seemed subdued while telling US at a March 26 on-board benefit for VH1's Save The Music Foundation, "I can't party too hard. I'm very militant right now about staying creative and being efficient." (Sidebar: Ah...now this whole hook-up/break-up makes sense...The Urinator had writers block and needed "inspiration" for his next album! X should take comfort in knowing that her humiliation will probably get The Urinator another Grammy or two. At the 2011 Grammys she can proudly declare, "Yippee! The song he wrote about dumping me is Song of the Year AND Record of the Year! Take that Angelina Jolie! Nobody's ever won 2 Grammys for dumping you!")
Yet the very next day, he was clowning it up in Love Boat-style short shorts, mimicking Beyonce Knowles' "Single Ladies" dance and handing out shots while singing to Snoop Dogg's "Gin & Juice." (Sidebar: Yet another reason to dump X - she doesn't even know any black people, let alone black people music.) At a March 29 gig on board, in front of hundreds of fans, he even gave a shout-out to US Weekly (jokingly calling US "my personal journal"). (Sidebar: Uh...he wasn't joking. Your story is proof of that. HELLO!) He then admitted he made out with celeb blogger Perez Hilton, an avowed Aniston-basher, in 2007 (a charge he denied while dating her.) "Fuck yeah, I made out with Perez," he told the crowd. "I just want to prove that I'm a sicker fuck than he is. I'll [have sex with him] until he runs away just to prove a point." (Sidebar: That damned Urinator...always peeing and telling. I know I rag on X...but fuck...she must have been Desperate with a capital D to date - even fake date - this loser even 1 day, let alone a year. Note to self: If Brad Pitt dumps me, have some fucking pride and don't be pathetic enough to "date" certified douche bags.)
Clearly, Mayer has a lot of stress to blow off. (Sidebar: BBBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! US is outright calling X a PITA. LOL. Now that OK cancer kid story makes perfect sense...) One source says he found Aniston to be "really, really difficult. She's meticulous about getting ready and obsessive about her looks." (Sidebar: Meticulous about her looks...and she still looks like the furball my cat hocked up when I was 8? If I were X, which thank God I'm not...I'd hire a lawyer and sue Dr. Kanoodia for a refund. Cuz...she got ripped off...big time.) And so the crooner returned to his first love - his fans - and, at the end of the march 28 concert, he dedicated the song "Gravity" to the crowd "as a love song to all of you." (Sidebar: Puh-leeze. Douche Bag's first love is NOT his fans. It's his mirror. Followed closely by his guitar, his ganja and his peen. You just know he measured it every day since he was 12 and keeps a growth chart in his desk.)
Still, Mayer had no illusions about how far a cruise-ship message about his broken heart would travel: "Just remember," he Twittered on March 27, "What happens at sea will make it to E!" (Last year, he ensured covered of the cruise by appearing in a Borat-style thong as he read US. "He told us to mail these pics to US," said a fan. (Sidebar: Sooooo...Douch Bag knows his antics are going to make it into US. And US knows that he knows that they're going to print it...and comment that he knew they would. And we know that's how the game is played...well...us smart people do. The trolls are still scracthing their asses and waiting for the Brad & Angie break-up announcement Terd said would come before Shiloh started walking.)
MOVING ON
If she got word of Mayer's song, Aniston hasn't shown it. "She's feeling good and isn't down at all," says a source. (Sidebar: That's why they call it "happy". We all know X is two toots away from a Hohan-like meltdown. I just pray that the ratzi are on hand to get it on film.) In fact, she's enjoying a change of scenery in New York City to film the comedy The Baster. "She loves New York and feels less surrounded than in L.A.," says the source. (Sidebar: Uh...somebody help with this cuz I'm confused - How can you feel "less surrounded" living in a filled-to-capacity 50 story hotel in the middle of the most populous city in the United States when you just left a 12,000 square foot house that you lived in by yourself, on a good acre or two, your nearest neighbor is 1/4 mile away...and the only other people in your house are hired help who don't live on site?) And let Mayer have his cruise: Aniston got away March 28 with Courteney Cox to Birmingham, Alabama, her BFF's hometown. (Sidebar: Oooh...that's show that Urinator! "I know you went to Meh-hee-co without me, John, BUT...Courteney took me to Alabama with her so we could stare down our noses at the little country peole. So there!" I've got a friend who lives in B'ham and has met CC on one of her little jaunts back home. She ain't impressed with Courteney's special brand of "Big star slumming with hicks" bitchery.)
Meanwhile, at his March 28 gig, Mayer gave his own take on coping with a split, telling the audience that instead of beating himself up, "I lock myself in a room and make music." In other words? Aniston may want to throw out her radio. (Sidebar: Dang...I really want to dislike The Urinator...but his music really isn't all that bad once you get past the cheesy lyrics and his somebody's-strangling-my-cat falsetto...but...I'm definitely gonna be listening to this record just to laugh at the X references. I wonder when it's coming out. I might buy her a few dozen copies for X-mas.)
SIDEBAR: HIS LYRICS ANALYZED (Sidebar of my own: No wonder has-beens like Bob Dylan don't retire. Even 35+ years past his prime Dylan's farts are more deft than this shit...)
"Heartbreak Warfare"
Pushing me you twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I attempt to feel no pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
God only knows how much
I'd love you if you let me
But I can't break free at all
EXPERT OPINION: MIND GAMES ALERT!
"He's using what I like to call 'The Guild Whip' which is when you reflect hurt on someone by making them feel guilty," (Sidebarof my own: "Guilt whip"? Uh, dude, that's called Douchebaggery.) Dr. Michael Grove, an NYC-based couples counselor, tells US. "He's saying, 'I'm the reasonable one trying to work it out. You're the crazy one.’" (Sidebar of my own: Hey...just because he's a double douche bag...doesn't mean he's wrong! Sane people don't keep answering machine tapes from old boyfriends and EX-husbands for 20 years. Sane people don't marry Brad Pitt and fail to spit out a kid. Sane people don't keep making the same bad movie over and over again like some kind of bad romcom purgatory where they're doomed to repeat the same idiocy for eternity. Sane people don't take back a douche bag who already humiliated them once with a public dumping. Sane people don't stalk their ex and his new family. And most importantly - sane people think it's okay to have a bad hair day without having a press conference to explain why your hair looks like a bird's nest was dropped on your head.)
I'm mainly doing the entire Star story because they're so darned entertaining. They've got their own little soap opera going on. I like to call their Jolie-Pitt saga, "As The Star Turns The Days of Brad & Angie's Lives With All Their Children."
BRAD AND ANGIE - TRIAL SEPARATION!
They're already sleeping in separate bedrooms. But when Angelina found out about a hush-hush Brad-Jen meeting in New York City, things really exploded! Now Brad and Angie are putting even more space between them. (Sidebar: In case you need a refresher - Angie's mad at Brad because he was nice to the nanny...they fought...Angie threw him out of her bed and Brad's sleeping on the sofa and/or camping out with the kids in a tent in their bedroom.)
By Casey Brannan...and a bunch of other lying scumbags whose names I forgot to write down. They know how they are...
It's finally all blown up. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's romance has been plagued by problems from the get-go. But now their struggling relationship has reached the breaking point - and the couple is giving trial separation a shot! (Sidebar: This is about the 8th trial separation Star has put them in the last 3 years.)
"They both decided they need to take a breather," a friend tells Star. "the problems between them have been building to the point that they just need some time apart. It's not healthy." (Sidebar: Cue the syrupy sentimental soap opera music.)
Angelina has been seething since she discovered Brad sitting on a bed comforting one of their nannies in late February. Exhausted from long days on set and the emotional roller coaster she's been riding, Angie banned Brad from their bedroom and turned to her brother, James Haven, for support. (Sidebar: Once again, I must ask the trolls to pull their minds out of the incest gutter. Cuz we all know they went there...) But Angelina exploded when she discovered that Brad was angling to meet with his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston! (Sidebar: Why would she be mad at Brad for meeting with X? At this point I think Angie knows that Brad ain't interested in X. If he had been he'd have spoken to her when she was 20 feet away from him at the Oscars. Instead he sat in his seat and laughed at her desperation.)
JEN CALLS BRAD
Jen has been in Manhattan filming The Baster, and sources tell Star she was determined to arrange a get-together with Brad, who was watching the kids at the Waldorf-Astoria while Angie filmed Salt. (Sidebar: Yet the ho couldn't be bothered to approach him at the Oscars when there was a very high likelihood that he'd be polite rather than laugh in her face and say, "OFFICER! COME GET THIS CRAZAZY BITCH! SHE'S STALKING ME!") "Jen called Brad to say she was in New York and would love to see him," the insider reveals. (Sidebar: And Brad said, "Yeah? Well...I'd love to see the Cubs win the World Series but that shit ain't gonna happen in my lifetime either. Tell ya what though...Angie and I will come see you after the birth of your first biological child. This would be one that issues forth from YOUR uterus, not a hired one. Video tape that shit, too, and you'll need at least three non-Godless Circle witnesses who'll sign affidavits that it really was you and not some homeless chick in a Rachel wig.") "She wanted to talk to him about some things on her mind. Brad was only too happy to catch up." (Sidebar: X wanted to talk about some things on her mind? Homegirl just needs to give it up - HE AIN'T COMING BACK!)
When Angelina arrived back at their hotel on March 24 after a long, grueling day on the set, Brad let her know he'd decided to meet Jen for lunch. But for Angelina, it wasn't just a simple lunch date - it was yet another instance of Jen crowding their relationship. (Sidebar: I kept waiting for Star to name an occasion other than the Oscars when X had the nerve to invade their space...but, alas, none were forthcoming. I think they were confusing Cabo-tit-and-ass-crack-shows vs. legit-photo/press-calls/awards shows/premieres with "crowding".) Angelina was blindsided, shocked and hurt. "She yelled at him for a half hour," an insider says. Brad couldn't get a word in to explain and Angie wasn't interested in listening to his excuses. She walked out of the room and told Brad, 'I can't even look at you right now.'" Her chauffer picked her up, and she rode around the city for hours, stewing. (Sidebar: Now you know why I called this a "soap opera". I'm pretty sure I've seen Nikki utter a similar line to Victor on Y&R, "How could you! Get out of my sight! I can't even bear to look at your right now!" Except...this shit isn't even as good as The Young and The Restless. It's more like Jim Reilly-era Days of Our Lives with Marlena possessed by Satan and John Black in preist garb. That shit was just stoo-pid.)
When Angelina returned, she still hadn't cooled off. "She confronted Brad with, 'Don't you dare see her,'" a friend reveals. (Sidebar: Yep...Days of Our Lives. This would be around the time that Billie (then played by Lisa Rinna, whose lips were 4 sizes smaller back then...same haircut though) and Bo were a couple and Bo found out Hope was still alive and he had to see for himself if it was true...so heads off to find Hope...Billie runs up to him, grabs his arm and says, "Don't you dare go see her! If you do, then don't come back!") And this time, Brad couldn't bite his tongue, "he yelled at Angie that he shouldn't have to keep proving himself to her," says a source. "He's exhausted by her jealousy." (Sidebar: Damn...that's EXACTLY what Bo said to Billie! Except at least Bo added, "Don't say that Billie. That's just your anger talking. You know I love you." And then a few months later he left Billie for Hope...but...I'm getting ahead of myself here...)
Livid, Angelina stormed into the kids' rooms and told them to get their things together quickly. "She told them they were going on another adventure," the insider says. (Sidebar: Sad to say...Billie and Bo didn't have any children...BUT...Marlena and John did and Sammy was pissed when she found out Satan had chosen her goody-two-shoes mother for possession instead of her! Kids. No matter what ya do for 'em...they always want more.) As they gathered their toys, "She pulled Brad into her bedroom and hissed, "We are leaving the city right now!' She just couldn't handle it. She wishes Jen would just go away." (Sidebar: Not too surprisingly Billie said the same thing about Hope, "Why did she have to come back! Especially now that things are so good between me and BO!" Clearly Billie didn't understand how soaps work...) So the family packed their bags into a waiting SUV and sped off to the rented home on Long Island where Brad has stayed with the kids on nights when Angie was filming tough scenes and needed time alone. (Sidebar: Unfortunately I don't have a DOOL or Y&R story for this one...but...it does remind me of the time on One Life To Live when Clint and Vicky were fighting about her apparent obsession with her dead father and Clint ran off to a cabin in the woods...except...he didn't take his kids with him...he took his crotchety old loose cannon of a father, Asa, who gave Clint this stellar piece of advice (say it with a slow Texas drawl), "Women, Clint. Can't keep 'em, can't kill 'em...and when they divorce ya they want half of your net worth!") But before they left the Waldorf, Angie and Brad had a long overdue heart-to-heart about the state of their relationship. As they sat on a couch in her suite, the insider reveals Angie suggested - and Brad reluctantly agreed - that taking a breather from each other might be the only answer. (Sidebar: Cue any Friends episode when Rachel and Ross agree to take a "break" from one another. I especially like the irony of using X's lone claim to fame for this part of the saga.)
"Angie told Brad, 'Everything's gotten so confusing and messed up. I think we need to take a break.'" She then went into her bedroom to pack, but Brad "knocked on her door and told her how much he loves her," the source says. "He begged her not to give up on their relationship, to forgive and forget." (Sidebar: Back to Billie and Bo...Months after Hope's return, which in DOOLville was about a year-and-a-half of real time...Bo said the exact same thing to Billie, "Billie...I love you...but...I love Hope, too. It's not fair of me to ask you to wait while I decided what to do...so...I think we need to take a break while I explore what's left of my MARRIAGE to Hope." Oh yeah...I left out that little detail - Bo was married to Hope when she went missing and was presumed dead. Bo then bopped out the door with his duffle bag, got on his chopper and moved in with Hope. Meanwhile Billie hung her head and left town in shame and sadness. I know, I know...you're wondering why X couldn't do the same thing, but dammit, real life ain't as neat at the end of an actor's contract...especially when the actor thinks they're going off to become a big star but all they end up doing is marrying has-been tv actor and hosting award show red carpets.)
LAST CHANCE (Sidebar: Isn't it always?)
Too late. Angelina's mind was already made up. "She opened the door and told him that talking won't fix things," the insider reveals. "Only time and space will." (Sidebar: Two words come mind - General Hospital. Sonny (aka Slimey) - the mobster and Brenda (aka Braindead) - the dippy girlfriend (Vanessa Marcil, before she was lucky enough to land Brian Austin Green, who's now Mr. Megan Fox.) Braindead was forever trying to talk Slimey out of his life of crime, but to no avail because he was in too deep. Then multimillionaire international businessman Jax (aka Jackass) showed up in Port Charles and had to have Braindead as soon as he glommed eyes on her. Clean money vs. mob money. Hmmmmm...what's a ho to do...yep, that's right...tell Mob Boy that he'll never change and "talking won't fix things" and Braindead was out the door and living with Jackass in a flash. I hated all 3 characters so it was no skin off my nose, but those damned Slimey & Braindead fans were fit to be tied...but...I digressed...again...)
After a tearful embrace, Brad agreed they needed a break from one another. "Brad's relationship with Angie and their kids is the most important think in his life," the insider notes. "He knows she's still punishing him for the nanny thing and that his plan to have lunch with Jen drove her over the edge. All he wants is for things to work out - and to be there for Angie and the kids." (Sidebar: Speaking of punishing a man for his stupidity...Roger Thorpe of the recently cancelled Guiding Light. Boy howdy, did Alexandra Spaulding clean his clock that time he married her for her money, thought she'd left him her entire estate in her will and tried to kill her! Damn...that was good tv...unlike this bad tabloid tale. Sadly, much like Star, Roger didn't learn his lesson and was soon engaged in another scheme. )
For the moment, neither Angelina nor Brad want to alarm their children - Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara, 4, Shiloh, 2, and twins Knox and Viv, 8 months. (Sidebar: Yes, every tabloid story must include a run-down of the names and ages of the J-P children. It's some kind of contractual obligation or something.)
"They don't want the kids to know what's really going on," says the source. "It would upset them too much." (Sidebar: Uh...like the kids aren't going to notice that they don't see daddy for weeks? This ain't soapland where characters' kids are never seen and then suddenly one day the baby that Jack and Jennifer had 4 years earlier is suddenly 14 and a handful of trouble. Maybe that's why the tabs keep giving us the J-P kid roster...so we'll know none of them have suffered from SORAS since they were last seen 2 months earlier. For those who don't know - SORAS = Soap Opera Rapid Aging syndrome. Star's on-going tale reminds me why I quit watching soaps years ago - cuz they suck and it's the same storylines over and over and over again.)
SIDEBAR - WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? (photo of Brad with Pax & Maddox in Venice; photo of Angie with Z and Shiloh in NO.) (Sidebar of my own: Ooh goody. Now Star is going to explain how the kids will be okay with the Star ripping their family apart.)
Although Brad and Angie are taking a break from each other, things won't change for Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne. "They both love the kids so much, and they'll always be involved," an insider tells Star. (Sidebar of my own: Yes, they actually wrote such a stupid thing. Fucking morons.) In fact another insider adds, the children might be the glue that winds up holding them together. "If all this had happened before they had kids, Angie would have packed up and left." (Sidebar of my own: Not to keep referencing Billy Bob...but...she had a kid with him and still left his ass. Granted he didn't want the kid which is WHY she left his ass...but...that's beside the point. People shouldn't stay in bad relationships for their kids' sake. By that reasoning every divorced/single battered woman in the country would still be married to their creep husbands/boyfriends.) Brad is a devoted father, and that means if they're separated, he will still be a hands-on daddy. "Angie would never keep Brad from the kids, no matter how angry she is at him. When he's away, he'll talk to them via webcam and always call them to say goodnight," says the insider. "He always does that when he can't be there." (Sidebar of my own: Awwwwww...ain't that precious? Star wants you to know that Brad and Angie love their kids so much they're willing to not kill each other so their kids will still have two living parents. Makes me want to grab the Puffs box.) Angie's brother, James, will also be there to help Angie manage the brood, and Brad has asked his parents to be on call, just in case. Says the insider, "They'll get on a plane if she needs them." (Sidebar of my own: Once again...Jamie has no life and therefore is available to be at his sister's beck-and-call. Ditto Brad's parents. So what if they've got 8 other grandkids and lives in Missouri. The Star says they have nothing to do...ergo...they have nothing to do but go running when Brad snaps his fingers.)
SIDEBAR - JEN'S GIFT FROM BRAD (picture of Fugmost wearing some cheesy-looking pendant)
Brad is still part of Jen's everyday life! (Sidebar of my own: She wishes, hopes and prays every day!) While in New York City hoping to meet with her ex-hubby, Jen was spotted wearing jewelry he gave her more than a decade ago in the early days of their relationship. (Sidebar of my own: After finding out she kept answering machine tapes from past lovers going back to age 14, keeping jewelry from a man who supposedly humiliated her, ruined her life and broke her heart seems like a fairly a reasonable memento.) Jen showed off a silver necklace with a pendant of the Oracle at Delphi en route to film The Baster on March 26. According to a source, "She has always cherished this necklace. To her, it shows his respect for her Greek heritage. (Sidebar of my own: Well, one of them had to proud of x's Greek heritage since SHE does everything she can't to look as WASP as possible.) While Brad showered Jen with dozens of pricey diamond and platinum pieces during their marriage, she values this understated necklace the most. It represents a happy time in her life." (Sidebar of my own: I once had a binky that represented a "happy time" in my life, but ya know what? I gave that shit up when I was 2! HE'S NOT COMING BACK JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING A PENDANT HE GAVE YOU 10 YEARS AGO. Put the jewelry back in storage, get a fucking grip and move the fuck on!)
