Wednesday, April 14, 2010


TABLOID REPORT

As promised the scans for the April 19, 2010 OuttaTouch are below. Try not to laugh too hard at the pix of X on page 3 trying to dance a flamenco. She's about as graceful as she is beautiful - which is to say, in the inimitable words of Paul Mooney,  she is a "horse-faced bitch". In the 2nd and 3rd pictures X looks like she's doing the Hokey Pokey. BTW - my co-worker showed me a picture of her 17 year-old daughter's senior prom dress...let's just say X needs to stay the fuck out of the junior's depatment at Valentino's...

One last thing - Last Friday or Saturday I did a report on the April 19 US Lies Weakly story on X being stuck in the past and posted it to Jared's. For anyone who missed it I posted it below the OuttaTouch scans. Remember - eating or drinking while reading the tab report or the tab xcans can be hazardous to your health. You have been warned and I absolve myself of any and all liabilities should you harm either yourself or X while you're reading this blog...I don't have a lawyer, but a little CYA never hurts...

OUTTATOUCH - APRIL 19, 2010

CLICK ON THE IMAGES TO ENLARGE THEM


    

     


US LIES WEAKLY - APRIL 19, 2010

I originally wrote this report as a response to a post on a thread at Jared's, so I'm going to include the original post, too.


# 197 Poodles @ 04/09/2010 at 10:37 pm 
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What is wrong with Jennifer Aniston? Is she surrounded by idiots who are out to make a fool of her? Is there no one in her life that can bring her back to earth, back to reality?! 
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+++++++++++++++++++++
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You know...it's funny you should ask this question because because I was just about to type up a little something from the new US Lies Weakly that had me rolling in the aisles at Walmart. The short answer to your questions is, "Yes, X is surrounded by idiots who are out to make a fool of her." When former boyfriends tell the world that you're old, stuck in the past and want your world re-wound to 1998...you've got a problem with facing reality and living in the present. In order to exist this way you have to have "friends"/sycophants who tell you what you want to hear and enable your denial. 
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Now...for the LONG answer to your question...fresh from the pages of Us Lies Weakly, I give you...
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JENNIFER ANISTON - STUCK IN A TIME WARP
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In this lovely 2 page feature US does what all the tabloids have been doing for the last 3 or 4 years - yeah...STEALING IDEAS FROM OUR COMMENTS! This pictorial expose brings up everything that we've said about X for years and that The Urinator confirmed for the world -
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1. X has 1 go-to look for events and premieres - The LBD aka Little Black Dresses. This is illustrated with 2 pictures - one LBD from 1997, one from 2010 (Madrid). I'll take this a step further and say what I've been saying for years - X has one go-to designer: Valentino. Both LBDs  US chose were Valentinos. One of their "sources" - aka one of X's enablers - says she wears LBDs because she wants to look thinner and black does that. US refers to X as being "sample size", which means the teeny-weenie size 0 or 2 that designer's expect the models to wear. Well, LBDs up to your ass crack at 28 is a "meh"...at 41 it's fameho pathetic. But the thing is - the 1997 LBD  came to just below her knee...the 2010 dress was the one showing crack. 28. 41. Pathetic.
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2. X has 1 go-to pose with men - US refers to this as the "twho-handed trunk hug". We've all seen pix of X performing this clench on Brad at Cannes in 2004. As we've noted many times, and X stole, X has since pulled this same move on every man she's been photographed with at a public event since Brad dumped her. They have pix of X/Brad in 2004...and X/Butterfinger in 2010. You'd think one of her Goddesses would tell her to switch up her play occasionally. But...NOOOOOOOO.
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3. X has the same hairdo and makeup now as she did 13 years ago. This is illustrated with a pic from 1997 and one from 2010 - shite looks like a mirror image...except for the crowsfeet, 3 rhinoplasties, cheek implants, weight gain, nicotine & tar stained teeth (seriously...like 4 shades darker! Y'all know that shite's my pet peeve!) and restylane fillers in the brackets around her mouth. This is where the enablers rear their ugly heads ago - US says Hair Boy has been dying X's locks and listening to her piss and moan for 17 straight years. I know women who feel like they're cheating on their hairdresser if they occaionally go to someone else, but...they do it anyway! 17 years with the same haircut. (Note to self: Good God! Now I've got to go around the house and destroy all pix of me more than 5 years old!) 
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Next up is the enabling ho responsible for making X's sun leathered skin look a little less like your dog's favorite rawhide bone and more like the softer skin of a baby's non-poppy butt. X's makeup ho, goes by the name of Angela Levin, tells US that X is, "...the iconic  California Girl. If it looks amazing, why mess with it?" Well, Mizz Levin, newsfvckingflash - X AIN'T FROM CALIFORNIA! Ho's from NYC. Ergo it don't look as amazing as you think it does mainly because...well...her skin looks like a cracked brown leather bomber jacket from WWII. I could file my nails on the sandpaper-like skin on her forearms!
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4. X is wearing the same clothes now that she wore in 1999. This one US stole from BDJ. BDJ was the one who noticed last summer while X was filming Turkey Baster that she was wearing an out fit that she'd been seen wearing a gazillion years ago while out shopping in with Brad in LA. It was a black tank top and orangish cargo/sweat pants with rolled up legs and a drawstring waist. I was going to hunt up the photo...but...well...it's 12:10am and I'm afraid of the boogeyman. Suffice it to say that someone at US found the pix - one dated 1999, the other dated 2009. The thing is - X even had the frigging legs rolled up the same way - 10 YEARS LATER! The good news for X fans is that sometime in the intervening 10 years she parted with $20 of that Friends money and bought some new flip-flops...and yes, I DID looked at her gorilla toes to see if she was wearing the same shoes. Ho's obviously stuck in the past. She's probably still got Earth Shoes from 1977. 
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Also included in this section was the fact that X's everyday style is little more than jeans, a shirt and the aforementioned scarf - all the freaking time. Like. We. Hadn't Noticed. 5. Years. Ago. US trots out another enabler who informs us that X, "...hates shopping so that's the big reason she sticks with things she likes. She despises having to try on new clothes." GMAFB. Biitch has a stylist and hasn't shopped for herself since before she hit it big on Friends. Lying sack of shite. Having her flunky tell US she doesn't shop is X's failsafe for having people point out how she's continually stalking Angie and stealing Angie's style - from thigh-high slits to dangly earrings to peep toe shoes to black trench coats to knee high black boots. It's almost like X thinks that by biting Angie's style she can "steal" Brd back. Did I remember to mention how pathetic this skankola is?
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5. X and her archaic toering. Another item that was stolen from comments on this board. They included 2 pics of X's busted veiny hammertoe & bunyion tootsies - one from 1999, one from 2009, although they could have easily used one from Bountiless Box office Flop Humiliation Tour. Out comes the enablers again - the hennette says the toe ring, "...is the hippie in her." Really? I thought is the ganja and coke. Cuz...you've GOT to be high to think a toe ring conjures images of hippidom. When I think hippies I think tie-dyed, long floral skirts, lots of wild hair, peace signs and LSD. I don't think 1990s rich, bored Cali housewife having an affair with Manuel the gardner who's pedicurist assured her that toe rings were sexy and would inspire a man to suck her toes and give her the biggest O of her life. This could just be me...but...I'm not an enabling hanger on so what the fvck do I know...
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6. X hiding her face in her "security blanket" aka scarves - no matter what season it is. Y'all getting tired of all the shite US stole off this blog yet? These are ALL things we've talked about since the Bountiless Fug Outfits Tour began almost a month ago. Again we have a tale of 2 pics - one from 1999, one from 2010. Both showing X with a big ass pashmina wrapped around her neck and the lower half of Lenoville. According to US X's "pal"/enabler says X wears scarves all the time because, "She's a germaphobe and thinks by covering her neck she'll avoid getting a cold." See...this is a prime example of enabling. WTF kind of sense does this make? Why doesn't one of those Godless morons tell this dumb twat that she doesn't BREATHE though her neck or chin, therefore covering them up is NOT going to stop a cold! DUH! Wait...are we sure X doesn't breath through her neck or chin? Let me check on that and get back to y'all...
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At this point US was running out of space for pix and probably felt like they were riding X too hard because toward the end they just sort of lumped the rest of their "evidence" together under a new title -
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JEN'S SET IN HER WAYS
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Items included in this section -
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1. Always eats dinners at the Coquettes on Sunday evening
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2. Yearly trips to Cabo. (Sidebar: Pffft...hasn't US heard? These trips are being made solely to bolster the Meh-hee-can economy!)
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3. X ate the same salad for 10 years while on Friends and to this day when she eats at the Beverly Hills Hotel she always gets the McCarthy Salad (no, this is NOT in honor of Jenny) and at the Sunset Towers she always gets the butter-lettuce salad. (Sidebar: I guess this way she's able to fool her mind into thinking she actually had REAL butter...)
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4. X HATES TECHOLOGY and is "a Blackberry-phobe". They also dug up The Urinator's quote that, "Her success came before TMZ and Twitter...She's still hoping it goes back to 1998." (Sidebar: This is especially significant in light of the current OuttaTouch which claims that Brad and X are constantly texting each other and sending each other pictures and shite, setting up secret rendezvous...which were only secret to Angie and not the bodyguard which kind of defeats the purpose of saying it's secret, but that's another story entirely...Suffice it to say, X is still dialing in to Compuserve and Prodigy and that shite don't work with Blackberrys, iPhones or any other modern communication device.)
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5. Paris vacays with men - Seine boat cruise with Brad in 2004, VV in 2006 and this year she "got the hat trick" with Butterfinger. (Sideabar: LMAO, yes, US really said X got a hat trick. Also, I'm going to one-up US again - X's Paris vacays with men are always last-ditch efforts to save the relationship and try to convince them not to dump her. Brad in 2004...VV in 2006 as TBU whorring was winding down...and Butterfinger this year as Bountiless whorring concluded. It's like the trick's own personal  "Ground Hog's Day" and she's going to keep taking men on boatrides on the Seine until Punxatawny Phil sees his ahadow and Andie McDowell aggrees to marry Bill Murray and puts an end to the endless time loop.)


1 comment:

Virgilia Coriolanus said...

WTF is she wearing in those pics? I hope that's not her underwear I'm seeing...

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