STAR MAGAZINE - JANUARY 11, 2010

This is the first tab report of the new year...mainly because I just couldn't resist the idiocy of this week's Star magazine...

I'M OUTTA HERE!

The love is gone! Just days after Angelina and Brad put on their sweetest PDA show ever, she declared an open relationship - sending a furious Brad fleeing to his favorite biker bar with permission to cheat!


The truce is over! Three days after Brad and Angelina put on a surprising public display of cuddling and cooing, (Sidebar: What was so "surprising" about it? Angie practically sits on Brad's lap at every award-type dinner event they've gone to since they've been together. Don't make me dig up those AMH SAG and GG photos.) it's all falling apart. Sources tell Star that after yet another screaming match, a steaming Brad fled their L.A. home on his motorcycle - leaving Angie stewing. (Sidebar: I'll be counting the unnamed sources in this article because when I originally read it I lost count at about 8. UNNAMED SOURCES - 1)

Angie and Brad wowed the crowd with their affection at the UNICEF Snowflake Ball on Dec. 10, where her baby glow was the talk of the event. (Sidebar: They mean in "Starville" not the real world.) But the cease-fire ended almost as quickly as it began. A mere three days later, they went to war when Angie suggested they try an open relationship! (Sidebar: Yeah...because pregnant women are always wanting to show their burgeoning nekkid body to as many people as possible...yet do so tastefully in an extramarital affair. But...there's good news here. The Star has backdated their claim so that Brad's storming off took place while they were still in LA and not in NYC like we assumed. I love it when they come up with stories WEEKS after the fact because another tabloid came up with a fake story they could build on.)

"Angie's been hinting that she's interested in seeing other people for a while, but Brad has resisted," a friend tells Star.(Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 2) "When she openly said that's what she wanted, Brad flipped out!" (Sidebar: Possibly because she's supposedly pregnant with his baby...er...that is until next week's issue when Star tells us that Brad is now questioning if Angie's been unfaithful before and wonders if this fictional baby is his.)

"He told Angie there was absolutely no way, and he couldn't understand how she'd ask such a thing. That is just not who Brad is or he was raised. (Sidebar: He wasn't raised to wake-'n'-bake either...but he did that. Somebody needs to tell Star about the sociological theory of upbringing vs. environment.) He has an open mind about a lot of things, (Sidebar: Yeah...things he wasn't raised to believe...like being pro gay marriage, pro legalization of marijuana, anti-religion and worst of all, being a Democrat.) but having his partner sleep with other men and women is not OK." (Sidebar: Call me silly, but I'm pretty danged sure that "other women" part would be okay as long as he could participate, too. You know - the family that menages together stays together...or so say the McSteamys.)

Brad was so distraught, says an insider, (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 3, there's no indication that this is either of the previous 2 unnamed sources.) that when Angie tried to grab his arm to make him stay, he wrenched it away and, grabbed his motorcycle helmet and announced, "I'm outta here!" (Sidebar: I think someone at Star graduated from the School of Tabloid Writing for Mongoloid Idiots with a Ph.D. in Cheesy Soap Dialogue.)

According to another source (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 4), he took off on one of his bikes - knocking over trash cans and other equipment in the garage in the process (Sidebar: Wait a sec...The J-Ps have garbage like we mortals do? Well I'll be damned!) - and headed to the one place he could unwind, a biker bar in Malibu called Neptune's Net. (Sidebar: A heretofore unmentioned in over 5 years of tabloid stories "one place". The previous "one place" was clandestine meetings with X but I guess the Star thought that since they were already stealing a story from a German Bauer rag they didn't want to steal from the American Bauer rags, too.)

"He had a few beers and ordered some onion rings, which he barely ate," says a source. (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 5) "He talked to some bikers (Sidebar: None of whom are quoted, named or unnamed, in this article.), and they discussed their bikes. (Sidebar: DUH!) A few women came up to him, and Brad likes that. (Sidebar: Yeah. Brad's really into skanks. Oh wait...no he's not. That's why he dumped X. My bad.) He's a flirt, but that's it." (Sidebar: What Star means is "that's it for THIS story." Gotta flow with the wind, ya know.)

Brad, 46, ended up spending the night at his property in Malibu and didn't return home until the next morning. (Sidebar: Pffft. The Malibu house is being renovated. Guess the Star doesn't know about that, huh?) "He got home very early," says a family friend. (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 6) "He wanted to be there before the kids were up. But Shiloh was already in tears, and when Maddox asked where he'd gone the night before, Brad said he had to work." (Sidebar: Wait a sec - Shiloh was awake, but Maddox, who wasn't, asked questions? Oh shit! Maddox is sleeptalking! Brad prolly had a Dark Years flashback to when X used to sleepwalk. The good news is that Maddox apparently isn't mobile while talking in his sleep.)

Insiders note (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 7) that the last thing Brad wants is to involve his children (Sidebar: HIS children? I thought they were THEIR children.) - do the names and ages dance - in his ongoing drama with Angie. (Sidebar: Pardon me for pointing this out...but...THEY ARE INVOLVED simply because they exist. HELLO!) "No matter what," says the friend, (Sidebar: Star gets a brownie point for referencing the same unnamed source.) "hell put on a happy face for them." (Sidebar: Eh. That's not so tough. Brad can go all methody and draw on his memories of public appearances with X over the last 2 1/2 years with X to mute his ire.)

Angie has confessed that many of her most intense squabbles with Brad are over his love of two wheels on the open  road. (Sidebar: Puh-leeze, Star...stop having X flashbacks! Plus, just a few weeks ago they she bought Brad a motorcycle for his birthday! Which is it - does she hate motorcycles or not?) "[Fights] happen when he's off on his motorcycle for too long and forgets to bring the kids back their favorite sandwiches," she recently told German magazine Das Neue. (Sidebar: ROTFLMBAOPIMP!!! I fucking kid you not. This line is really in the story. I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP. Notice how THIS wasn't the quote that was leaked all over the internet? It's a dead giveaway that the no interview took place. I can just hear Angie screaming at Brad, "I cain't believe you was gone for FO' HOURS and di'hint bring none of dem dare Mickey Donnals sammiches back here for all yo' hongry babies! Whass wrong wit' choo boy!" And in the background Shiloh was wailing, "WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I WANT MCNUGGETS!" and Maddox was still talking in his sleep, "MMMMMMMMMMMM! McRib! I wanna McRib! Yippee! They brought the McRib back! Where's my McRib, daddy?")

ANGIE'S CONFESSION

While retreating to a biker bar, and hanging out with party pal George Clooney (Sidebar: Uh...should I point out that Angie was also there BOTH TIMES "hanging out" with Porgie? Prolly not, huh?) and other sympathetic male friends might calm Brad down temporarily, insiders say, (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 8) it's going to be tough to resolve the open relationship issue with Angie. (Sidebar: That makes no sense. If you disagree, then all you have to say is, "If you cheat on me I'll take the kids and leave." For advice on this option Brad can call Elin Woods.)

"Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that our living together should mean being chained to each other," the Oscar winner says. "We make sure not to restrict each other. I question whether fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. It's worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him after." (Sidebar: Still ROTFLMAOPIMP here. Not only is this a fake quote, but the last sentence is a direct dig at X whining about Brad for the last 5 years. Since when has Angie bothered to make snippy passive aggressive remarks about X in interviews? Never. Not even when muckraking journalists have tried to fool her into commenting.)

She even admitted that their fights can get very nasty! "When lovely Brad doesn't want to admit that he's wrong and gets sullen, sparks fly in our house," she said. "Then it can reach the point that I get so mad I rip his shirt." (Sidebar: LOL! That's gotta be THE WORST TRANSLATION EVAH! Apparently Star is too cheap to spring for Rosetta Stone and used Yahoo's BabelFish German-to-English translator. Are we REALLY supposed to believe that Angie said, "Lovely Brad"? GMAFB. If she did, then she said it in a low, buttery seductive voice while wearing a black leather catsuit, black thigh-high stiletto boots and cracking a whip while "lovely," but clothed, Brad lays tied to their 4-poster bed, "Was lovely Brad a bad boy when he left on his motorcycle and didn't come home last night? (THWACK! cracks the whip above his head, then climbs atop him and straddles his stomach...) Tell mama all about how lovely Brad's been bad!" (Followed by a ripping sound and Brad's SHIRT goes flying over her head and onto the floor...))

But when the pair aren't trading barbs and the yelling stops, it's Angie, 34, who puts Brad in the deep freeze (Sidebar: Hmmm..."Deep freeze". Is that a new phrase for "puts his penis in her vagina?"), stubbornly refusing to say she's sorry, sources say (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 9) - and that irks Brad just as much as the screaming matches. "When they fight, Angie is really tough and doesn't give in," says a source. (Sidebar: Hmmm...this is a tough call, but since they don't say this is the previous unnamed source...I'm gonna have to count it. UNNAMED SOURCES - 10) "She can let days go by without talking to him at home. She can be a real freeze queen. That's a  big part of their problem. She doesn't give in to him, and he gets frustrated and shoots back. That's what many of their arguments are about. Neither one wants to give an inch." (Sidebar: In the space of one short article Star has them going from arguing about Angie wanting an open relationship to saying their biggest problem is that they argue about arguing about Angie not rolling over and letting Brad walk all over her because he's a man and she isn't. The last time I checked being a man doesn't automatically mean you're right. In fact, in my experience it means you're WRONG more often than not and are too egotistical to admit it. Doesn't matter what men say - 9 times out of 10...women will always have an answer.)

And this is painfully true when it comes to their careers. When the couple hooked up five years ago, insiders say, (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 11) they agreed to take turns working so that the kids always had either Mommy or Daddy around and both of them could keep their careers going (Sidebar: "Insiders say?" Uh...'scuse me for pointing it out but it Brad and Angie who said so...multiple times!) - but Angie repeatedly reneges on her part of the deal. (Sidebar: Stop scratching your heads trying to come up with a time when they were both working because it's never happened. And the idiots at Star don't even bother to list an example of Angie "reneging on her part of the deal." Apparently no one at Star has ever heard that if you make an accusation, in order for it to have weight, you need to back it up with real, hard evidence. Which they don't.)

When she had to go to New York just before Christmas to reshoot scenes for her movie Salt, she begged Brad to go and he did, for the sake of the kids. But that didn't mean the cold war between them was over. (Sidebar: Beats me why haters call Angie "St. Angie". To hear the tabs tell it it's "St. Brad". Poor, put upon Brad had to go NYC for 3 weeks and stay for free at that dump the Waldorf Towers and do nothing but hang out with his kids and visiting family. Boo hoo hoo. Cry me a fucking river.)

"SHE NEVER LOOKED BACK"

The family was staying at The Waldorf Towers in NYC - but even a hot chocolate run couldn't melt the ice between them. (Sidebar: Golly...wonder if that had anything to do with the cameras shoved in their kids' faces? Nah. I'm just being silly now...) "Brad, Angie, and four of their kids came in around 3 p.m.," an employee (Sidebar: UNNAMED SOURCES - 12) at Cafe Metro tells Star. (Sidebar: "...tells Star after we slipped 2 C notes across the counter to him...) "Brad was real nice; he came up to the counter and ordered four medium hot chocolates. But Angie just sat at the table with the kids and didn't say a word to him. (Sidebar: Judging by the pix the table Angie and the kids were at was 20-30 feet from where Brad and Pax were at the counter. Was Angie supposed to shout at him from across the restaurant?) And when they left, she walked a few steps ahead of Brad and never looked back." (Sidebar: LMFAO. Let me see if I have this straight - an employee watched them interacting at their table and then trailed after them far enough to know that Angie walked off and left not just Brad but the four kids to fend for themselves? And why did Brad only buy 4 hot chocolates when there were 6 of them? In the pix you can clearly see cups sitting in front of Angie and Brad as well as the kids.  Also, was Angie supposed to stop watching the other kids and fawn all over Brad just so the folks at the Star would know they're not having relationship problems? LOL. This article gets more ridiculous by the second.)

PHOTO: The Neptune Net Bar aka the "one place" Brad can go to get away from Angie. The picture of the bar shows a couple of dozen motorcycles parked out front...just so we can see that the joint is indeed a "biker bar."

CAPTION: HIS BIKER BAR - When things get too heated between Brad and Angie, sources say (Sidebar: I'm throwing Star a bone - for the duration of the captions and Sidebars I'll allow that these are some of the same unnamed sources from the story itself. Big of me, right? Hey, I can be nice...and it doesn't even hurt...much...), he escapes to a nearby biker bar called Neptune's Net. "The guys are cool," says a source, "and Brad loves to talk to them about their rides." (Sidebar: I don't know about you guys but the words "biker bar" makes me think of a seedy dive with fat, dirty, greasy guys with bad teeth, scraggly beards (hmmmm), giant beer bellies, Hells Angels and busty nekkid women tats, dirty calloused hands, cheap ass shades and a Confederate flag bandana. I can just see their faces when Brad strolls in holding his "Daddy's Helmet" helmet, wearing a $2,000 leather jacket, $300 Edwards Jeans and Vans sneakers and orders a freaking Heineken. The expression does NOT say, "Come on over to my table and we'll chat about $100,000 tricked out custom motorcycles." It says, "Who's the fucking sissy with the beads in his goatee and what the fuck is he doing in MY BAR?")

PHOTO: The family in Cafe metro - it's the photo where Brad's glaring at the person taking their pictures and Angie's leaning her head on her hand like she's trying really hard not to laugh at Brad glaring at the snapper.

CAPTION: The whole Brangie bunch spent a somewhat solemn time together in Manhattan just before Christmas while Angie worked on her movie Salt. They stayed at The Waldorf Towers, and Brad and Angie took Maddox, Pax, Zahara and Shiloh out for hot cocoa at Cafe Metro. (Sidebar: Note to Brad and Angie - For the benefit of the tabloid hacks, whenever you're out in public you're supposed to pin big sloppy shit-eating grins on your faces and force the kids to do the same. Thank you.)

SIDEBAR: THE GLOW IS GONE (Sidebar of my own: Not to be confused with "The Thrill Is Gone" by B. B. King)

As Star reported, Brad and Angie looked like they'd fallen in love all over again at the UNICEF Snowflake Ball on Dec. 10 - and sources said it's because of Baby No. 7! (Sidebar of my own: By which Star means "The 7th baby this year we've told you she's having." NOT a real child #7 for Brad and Angie.) "Angie hasn't been this happy in months," a family insider told Star. "This is exactly how she was when she was pregnant with Shiloh and with the twins!" (Sidebar: Note to Angie - Do not smile in public unless you want the tabloids to claim you're pregnant. Thank you.)

But the euphoria didn't even last until the weekend! "It looked like their relationship was on the right path," a source tells Star, "but now it's back off track." (Sidebar: "...but now it's back off track...just in time for this week's issue!" Tres convenient for Star.)


SIDEBAR: WILD NIGHTS (Sidebar of my own: Not to be confused with "Wild Nights" by Van Morrison -  or for those of you under 20, John Mellencamp...)

Brad likes to blow off steam by heading out for a night of boozing and chain-smoking, says another source. (Sidebar: Shhhh. Don't tell Star that Brad quit smoking...er...except for the occasional brick of hash...) On Dec. 16, two days before his 46th birthday, Brad had a wild boys' night out. "He told Angie he wanted to celebrate Inglourious Basterds getting SAG Award and Golden Globe nominations, but the truth is Brad doesn't need an excuse for going out with the guys and getting wild," says a source. (Sidebar of my own: Hang on a sec...either he went out to celebrate his b-day with his BFFs...or he went out to celebrate his movie being nommed for multiple awards. Pick a story and stick with it, people!) Brad tossed back tequila shots, (Sidebar of my own: Another Dark Years flashback for Star.) howling like a wolf after each one, (Sidebar of my own: WTF? This is almost as funny as Angie complaining because he didn't bring the babies some sammiches!), the source adds, and shamelessly flirting with a pretty blonde waitress. "He told his friends, 'If this is what Angie wants, then this is what she'll get.' (Sidebar: I think they left the "Dadgummit!" off the end of the sentence...) But in the end, he's really a one-woman man and wishes Angie felt the same way." (Sidebar: Gee...how is it that Star is admitting NOW that Brad ain't the double-dipping kind when for 5 years they claimed he cheated on X? Expedience is a bitch, ain't she?)

Photos accompanying the sidebar: Brad exiting Mexico City, the restaurant he did the wolf-like howling at; and another photo of Brad in the car with one of his buddies. I only mentioned this because several of us wondered if the driver was James. The lower half of the face certainly looks like James to me. The point is - Star obviously doesn't know that it's James because otherwise you'd think they'd have commented on that when they claimed Brad was flirting with the waitress and complaining about Angie. Then again...Brad supposedly partying with Angie's brother kind of puts a big ass dent in their claim that Brad and James can't stand each other, so it's six of one and half dozen of the other. It's hard to keep the lies straight when you tell so many of them.)