Friday, November 13, 2009


It's been a few months since last tab report, but earlier tonight I stopped at Wal-mart to read the tabs and all I can say is...BBBBWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I said the other day that I didn't think I'd have time to do a tab report this weekend, but this shit is just too good to pass up. I didn't take time to copy down the stories, so I'm just going to comment on them off the cuff.


I really can't figure out who's story was stupider, but let's start with Lies & Shit whose entire story was that Angie was a fake because she supposedly told a British magazine (Style? InStyle...something like that) last month that she was going to taper off her career - "Maybe make a film a year or one every two years and gradually stop altogether." They claim it's the 3rd time Angie has said this in recent years. However...what they don't say is that Angie DID NOT speak with the magazine and the quote was from her 2008 interviews for while promoting Changeling. From there they expound on what they consider to be a pattern of saying one thing and doing another. For instance - Angie said she doesn't ask for all the tabloid attention. Their proof that she's a "fake" is by citing that Angie has sold first pix of their babies and Pax to "U.K. tabloid Hello for millions of dollars." But...they don't say that all the money went to charity and that the pix were sold because people like them had put a very high price tag on the lives of Angie's children. Oh no, wouldn't want to incriminate themselves and take a hard look at their own culpability and motives. Can't have that.

If you're interested in seeing some of the other nonsense Lies & Shit pulled out of their asses as proof of Angie's fakeness...the image below is courtesy of's tabloid recap...

(Click on the image to enlarge)


Then there's OuttaTouch who's entire story is that Angie and Brad are hanging by a hair from Mr. IUC's greasy head. They also claim that Angie called Brad at home all the time while they were shooting M&MS and how upsetting this was to X. Except...X whined to VF that Brad was perfectly honest with her about his attraction to Angie and hid nothing. But OuttaTouch wants you to believe all these phones are JUST NOW coming to light? Pffft. They also said that X has given all her friends permission to talk to Andrew Morton about "what really went down" with Angie calling the house and stealing Brad, etc. Uh...I thought that was the VF interview? What else are they going to say except X blew it and has no one but herself to blame?


Next you have the Star who claims that Angie and X are trading potshots at each other and cite as examples the fake text messages, phone calls and meet ups that they've been lying about all year. The only problem is - none of it ever happened and you can only yell "The sky is falling, the sky is falling" so long before people start to notice the sky is exactly where it's always been and you're a big fat, pinheaded liar. They've been claiming these "secret meetings" have been doing on all year...yet not once has the ratzi accidently-on-purpose gotten pix? Bitch please. I know Brad can be Mr. Stealth when he wants to be, but we all know X would arrange for pix. They somehow find out she's in Meh-hee-co EVERY time she supposedly goes there on the QT. Her trip to the orphanage supposedly happened months ago...yet OK found out about it and did a story on it...just as all this negative shit about Angie hit. What a coinkydink. Well tweak my dimples and call me Shirley Temple. (Yes, PT has dimples...)

The other thing that was hilarious in this article was Star's claim that Angie is deliberately stealing all those award-worthy roles that X wants. Which ones, you ask? Aside from AMH, which Brad said neither of them would be in when he bought the rights, the dildoes at Star claimed that Angie stole WANTED from X. WANTED! ROTFLMBAOPIMP!!! OMFG. How stupid. Star said Angie found out X was interested in doing the movie and called her manager and told him to that role for her so X couldn't have it. Wanted. I just wanted to repeat that to make sure y'all realize how incredibly stupid this makes Star look. X also had a movie called "Wanted" but it was a prison break-out drama...and BTW, WTF is X's fascination with women-in-prison flix? First there was Wanted and now this stupid Goree Girls crap. Methinks someone is sublimating their lezbo desires. I digressed...the point is...X's Wanted was an entirely different film and the producers of Angie's Wanted came to her after Halle Berry dropped out. Meanwhile X couldn’t get funding for her Wanted - even though Meryl Streep had long been attached to the project with her. How fucked up does a movie have to be if even roping in Meryl Streep can't get it greenlit?

Then to compounded this fuckery Star claimed that Angie tried to steal - get this - MISMANAGEMENT!!! ROTFL! Yes, you read correctly. MISMANAGEMENT! Star said Angie decided to pass on this one and was glad she did when the movie bombed and that Angie got a huge chuckle out of the movie bombing. Angelina Jolie lower herself to doing Grade Z romcoms with Steve Zahn? I bet Angie doesn't even know who the hell Steve Zahn is. I don't know who the hell Steve Zahn is and I've seen the horrible trailer for the movie! And then there's the fact that X produced how could Angie have tried to get the lead role? X would have had to cast Angie in the movie herself and if she did then, then how would Angie have been "stealing" the role? Ay yi yi yi yi. Talk about a fucked up story. I won't even talk about the part where they said that Brad knew the two were squabbling and that he egged it on by leaving out his cell phone so Angie could see X had called. That was just retarded in the extreme.


Oops...I don't want to leave out notOK...who claims Angie's adopting from Syria behind Brad's back. Far be it from me to point out that Brad MIGHT catch on when child services shows up at their house for the home study. You know...home study...the thing where they examine the prospective adoptees interaction with their current family - children and spouse/SO. notOK had a pic of Angie sitting next to a little girl and the caption says Angie met with orphaned refugees while in Syria recently. The implication is that this is the little girl that Angie was trying to adopt. What they conveniently don't say is that Angie is ineligible to adopt from Syria, that the girl in the photo has living parents who were also present when the picture was taken AND that refugees are not eligible for adopting - at all. In general there is no official structure in place in the country of origin to handle adoption requests. Hence them being refugees of a fucking war! HELLO!


Last we have US Lies Weakly and their debunking of Mr. IUC's bullshit. They did a fairly decent job of showing he's blowing smoke out of his ass...but then they fucked it up by repeating their own claim from 2007 that a source at one of the ratzi agencies told them that Angie set up the Kenya photos herself.'s the problem - In 2005 the guy who took the pictures told the Mr. Paparazzi website that he got lucky because he was trailing Brad in London and heard through the grapevine that Brad had just chartered a plane to take him to Kenya. The guy knew Angie was already in Africa because he'd been trying to get pix of them together and had found out she'd gone to Africa on a UNHCR trip. So the guy followed Brad to Kenya on a hunch and hit the jackpot. US-land it was Angie who set it all up. Did it never occur to them that it was BRAD. Isn't he the guy who says he knows when he's been followed by the ratzi even when he doesn't see them? No. Of course not. It HAD to be Angie.

US also says that Mr. IUC will report that X was "actively trying to get pregnant" at the end of the marriage...except, of course, X claimed she knew the marriage was over in the summer and then she and Brad were barely in the same town at the same time for the rest of the year. She was had scheduled filming on back-to-back-to-back-to-back bad movies...which US was nice enough to point out. However, along the same lines, Mr. IUC told US that he had diligently tracked down all the "rumors and stories" that Brad and X had been meeting secretly, exchanging texts and talking on the phone and found that NONE of it was true. Even though I know the tabloid stories aren't true, it's a little hard to take solace in verification of that when the source is Mr. Bullshit himself. The guy claimed Brad had impregnated a Sudanese model on his website...downgraded it to "flirted with" in the book...and the US tracked the model down, she's married, and she declined to comment on the claim for their story. BUT...we're supposed to believe Mr. IUC conducted a stringent investigation into fake tabloid stories? GMAFB.

The next mistake US made was when they claimed that Angie had an affair with Shitzu while married to JLM. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that's not accurate. Angie and JLM were dating but not married. She broke up with him and had a fling with Shitzu while shooting Foxfire in 1995. Then Shitzu dumped Angie. Dumped not even the right word because Shitzu has already admitted that it was never exclusive - especially on her end - because they were both seeing other people. And JLM knew about Shitzu, so how was that "cheating?" After she and Shitzu were over Angie and JLM got back together and got married. That was in 1996. The folks at US know that but they deliberately made Angie look like a cheater and it subtly bolsters Mr. IUC's claims that Angie is a serial cheater when the exact opposite is true. I will say this much – US does point out that while Shitzu claimed she and Angie were still speaking in early 2005 they pointed out that Shitzu recently said that she and Angie were no longer in contact. That, of course, is kind of a great big neccessity to having an affair – sexual or otherwise. Mr. IUC supposedly claims in his book that Angie and Shitzu are still having an affair.

US also had a sidebar where they claimed that Angie told a friend that Megan Fox needs to zip her lips about the cutting, lesbian affairs and "other ridiculous claims" because those stories will haunt her the rest of her career. Their supposed "Jolie camp insider" claimed that Angie said that she wishes someone had told her not to talk about those things when she was younger because now she's haunted by those admissions and they get dragged up regardless of her good work and how hard she's worked to turn her life around. That's a pantload because Angie, as she told EW in 2008, doesn't believe in regrets and thinks talking about her experiences and getting through them can be helpful to others who have current problems.

The last mistake that US made was in their sidebar where they basically said Brad and Angie were happy as a couple of pigs with all their little piglets playing in the slop. They quoted Nicholas Kristof again - mostly the same quotes as last week - and pretty much drew a picture that Mr. IUC had gotten it all wrong. BUT...while they were doing this they claimed that Angie had only made peace with Jon Voight earlier THIS YEAR and said they met in person for the first time in 7 years in February of this year. Except...that's bullshit because when Angie gave her VF interview in Feb 2008 she said she and her father were speaking again. Plus, in late summer after the twins were born (and after the VF came out) JV was asked about their reconciliation on an RC for 24 and he commented that he'd seen Angie before they'd left for France in the spring and she was as happy as he'd ever seen her and then said, no, he hadn't met the twins yet, but he would fly to France at a moment's notice if she asked him to. BUT...according to US they didn't meet up until February 2009. Even when debunking other people's shit...US can't get their own shit correct.

One last thing – according to US, and take this with a grain of salt because as I’ve just been saying, they’re NOT exactly from the Walter Cronkite school of journalism – US says that not only is Angie back in touch with JV but that she’s re-established contact with a lot of other family members that she hasn’t been in contact with for years simply because they’d drifted apart of ther years – aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. This info was in the happy family section of the story. It was essentially their rebuttal of Mr. IUC’s claims that the end is nigh. US painted the picture of an idyllic life in France where the kids have the run of the property, friends and family come to visit, Angie stands at the kitchen sink doing dishes while watching the kids play in the back yard and the two sneak off to a local restaurant for date nights after the kids are in bed. Deinitely a far cry from the constant fighting, screaming, yelling – and cheating - that Mr. IUC claims is going on.

I know there's a whole bunch of crap that was in these mags that I didn't cover, but you get the gist of it - total hogwash. Now I know why Jezebel gave all of these tabs a D's and F's this week - lame, stale, repetitive, boring and just plain fucked up.

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